RDD 29 | Being Selfish In Relationships


Are you selfish in your relationship? In this episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner help you better understand selfish as they answers this question and many other queries possibly revolving in your relationship with your partner. Being selfish doesn’t need to be negative because you need to take a moment to know what your own needs are and pay attention to what your body is telling you. As they showcase the importance of communication in a relationship and understanding what each one wants, they also share some aspects that ruin relationships. Know what these unhelpful habits and thoughts are so you can avoid them and focus more on self-care and building your relationship.

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Are You Selfish In Your Relationship?

Our subject is Am I Selfish in My Relationship?

That is a powerful title and I have a lot to say about selfish. Before I do, I want to share something on a personal level that’s happening that is pretty fun. Many of you know that we’re in the Vancouver, Washington, Portland, Oregon area. We do a Meetup every Tuesday evening at 6:15 at PeaceHealth, at least that’s where it is right now. That’s a hospital educational center. We have three of them that all funnel into the same night at 6:15. You all come to the same room because the principles are the same. One is called Relationships 911. Another one is called I Choose Happy and the other is Awakening in the Twenty First Century. We’ve been doing this since 2018 and we celebrated our 50th meetup and it was fun. We had balloons, cookies and nectarines. People went around the room and shared what they’ve gotten out of this for those that have been coming for however long.

It was heartwarming to see what has happened here. There’s a community of people that have come together that are going on hikes together. We do potlucks about once a month here at our home. A real conscious community of amazing people have come together and my heart is happy about that. For those of you that are local, please come and see us and be part of this. When you get like-minded people, people that are like you, you that are reading right now, you’re into self-development. You’re into being more joyful and more connected in yourself, in your relationships and pretty much everywhere else in your life or you wouldn’t be reading this. You will find that it will become amazingly expansive for you to reach out and become part of a group that holds a high vibration or high attitude.

For those of you that don’t live close, we encourage you to find a Meetup or places where you can be in a community of like-minded people and that is going to help you stay clearer. You also can tune-in to us because we’re looking at doing an online program. If you have an interest in that, let me know because that’s something that’s happening. The other thing is that I’m doing a year-long program. The year-long program is not just for people who live locally, but that’s for anybody that feels drawn to this thinking, drawn to this work and wants to kick it up a whole bunch of notches. It’s an exclusive group of people that come together for three private retreats. If you don’t live locally, you’d need to fly here for the three-day retreats three times a year. The majority of the program is done online. It’s easy and it doesn’t matter where you live. We do a boot camp, one-to-one coaching, group coaching and there are other things.

If you’re loving what I’m saying on these podcasts, on the blog or wherever else it is that you become familiar with us, contact me. I’ll talk to you about this and see if it’s a fit for you. It’s not right for everyone. If you even have thought about it, then call me up via text or email and I look forward to sharing some things with you that might help you be clear. I didn’t mean necessarily to go there, but I was excited about the community thing that I want to encourage people to get around people that are going to support you in staying clear and elevated because our world is going through a lot. I know that you know that. The stock market dropped 800 points and they’re talking about the possibility of a recession and all these other things.

What’s important about that is not so much that the stock market dropped by 800 points. What’s important is that it creates an unstable feeling and a fear factor that increases tremendously in mankind in general. Whenever we have a higher fear rate than we have a “happy and I feel secure and safe” rate, then the whole world starts to tremble. We tremble even if we do not think that it affects us. It does because we’re all very connected. That’s why I’m feeling excited about the community and that’s why I’m excited for you to find the support that you desire and need. Take yourself to a higher level through the year-long program or through many of the programs that we have.

The thing that excited me and surprised me the most was when we went around the room at this meetup. I would say about over 50% of the people mentioned that are coming together with the same group or the same kind of people, this feeling of community was a thing they cherished the most and that what they attributed to their most significant growth and achievements during the period that they’d been coming. Some have been coming for a short time, some for a long time. It amazed me that there was such a real sense that the community had such a big part of it. Whether you come here or you come wherever you are at, create a community where you live.

If you would like to be on our list of things that we’re doing, then let us know that. Maybe that’s the best thing to do because we have a special email list where we’ll let people know about things that are happening. This is primarily local, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be.

If you’re on our blog or you’re in one of the other podcast players, you can subscribe and get on the feed. There are many ways to stay with us.

Just because you are in different worlds about something with your partner doesn't mean that you can't both have what you want. Click To Tweet

This subject matter, are you selfish in your relationship?

What does selfish mean?

I’m not answering that. My answer to the question is, “I hope so.” I hope you’re selfish in your relationship. Some people right now are going, “I’m going to hang up. I’m going to turn this off.” Don’t turn it off. What I want to do is help you better understand selfish. Here’s the key. Some of you who have been around me for some time have heard me speak about this story. I’m going to start this particular subject matter with this because selfish is a big key trigger word for me. It used to be a trigger word because as I was growing up, I came from a big family. I have ten brothers and sisters. Not all of them are by blood. Seven are, but we’re in the same house for some of the time. During that time when you’re with others, you learn about how to either speak up or get small or you get into jealousy or comparison and things of that nature. For me, what I found is that I started looking and taking care of myself. I was depressed, shy and introverted person when I was younger and as I was growing up.

To shorten this story, when I was in my teens and my mom was irritated at me about something. She said to me with such vengeance, “You are so selfish.” I was crushed. I was like, “I thought I was a loving and giving person,” so much for one perception versus another. The bottom line is that she said it from a strong feeling and it imprinted on me like crazy. I felt very guilty, very sad, very depressed. I became even more inward. It was an ugly time for me. I don’t even know that she knows what happened then. I’ll make a little caveat here. Think about your own life right now. Is there a time where somebody said something to you when you were a child and in one nanosecond, you can bring that up and it left such a deep mark on you? We usually don’t realize that we take things on especially as children. It’s like a tattoo. It’s like a brand on us. We carry it around forever and it affects everything.

When we speak about selfish, what I’m talking about is it means that you are in touch with yourself. You take a moment to know what your own needs are. You pay attention to what your body is telling you. You pay attention to what your mental, emotional, physical and your spiritual needs are. What are your needs? What is it that you feel is important to you? One of the things about being in a relationship with someone else is they need to do the same thing. Here’s the ideal. Do it before you get married. Do it before you get into a long-term committed relationship because if you’re not somewhat on the same page, then you’re going to have difficulty. End of subject, you will. I was coaching somebody and they said, “I’m clear I want to be in my own bed. I’m totally into sex and all of that, but I’m going to sleep in my own bed. My partner can sleep in his own bed because I want to have my own time to do what I want to do. I want that individuality.”

It’s a good thing to get that clear right up front. When I was having this conversation with the person, I thought to myself it would be awesome to do a podcast on things to know before you get married or into a committed relationship. There are a lot of things that I would invite you to think about. If you’re already in a relationship, then we have something else to speak about like how you can get with the person that you’re with and clean up issues that may be there and you don’t even know why they’re there.

The thing that always gets me with this is if I have something that I need from myself, do I or do I not take into account the feelings, the needs and the expectations of my partner?

RDD 29 | Being Selfish In Relationships

Being Selfish In Relationships: Being selfish means that you are in touch with yourself.


Yes, you do take that into consideration. The very first thing that’s critical is that you communicate what is important to you. You always stay in the “I.” When you do that, you can tell the person, “I am desiring and I feel like I’m needing,” whatever that is. Let’s give them an example. Rafael and I have known each other for many years and we’ve been married for years. There are some things that are important to me and we’ve learned how to adjust to that. One of the things is that I have a thing about desiring to eat before 6:00. He likes to eat whenever and it’s usually late. I also am into intermittent fasting, which is when you don’t eat anything from 6:00 at night until noon the next day. Your body is in a constant state of being able to rejuvenate and heal itself. Once you start eating food, then your body goes into a whole other mode. I like to eat early and he likes to eat late. Just because we’re in different worlds about that doesn’t mean that we can’t both have what we want. I eat earlier, he eats later. I eat a different kind of food. I’m pretty much a vegetarian and he eats other kinds of food. We don’t match, but we get along great with that, at least I think I do.

We both make an effort to include the other person and to include spending time with each other even if we’re not eating and the other person is.

We might even be in the same room. A lot of times, I’ll be eating and he’ll be there with me because he’s not hungry yet. When he gets hungry, which is usually by the time I’m done and then he eats, I’m there grooming dogs or doing whatever. We’re still sharing time together because that’s important. We don’t have to eat the same food. We don’t have to eat at the same time. We don’t have to go to bed at the same time. We don’t have to get up at the same time. In fact, we don’t.

Communication is very important so both people can get what they need. What happens when you’re at odds with when one person wants one thing and the other person wants something else and they are diametrically opposed? They’re inconsistent or it’s not possible to have both at the same time.

Give me an example.

I want to go out dancing and you want to stay home and go to bed early. That’s because you like to go to sleep early and I like to go to sleep later. In all the time we’re together, I’ve never thought I’m going to go out and be by myself and do all those things. I’m not going to do it if you don’t want to come with me. I’m trying to understand where concessions can come in so that we’re not considered selfish.

What happens is you find a place where you both evaluate on a scale of one to ten or one to five how important is this to you. You want to go dancing and I don’t feel like going dancing. There are several options. One is on a scale of one to five, five meaning I want to go, then I get to look on a scale of one to five, where do I want to go? Do I want to go?

I’m a five. I’m sick of staying home. I want to do something different. I want to get out there.

Let’s say that I’m a one. I’ve been working a lot. I’m tired and I don’t feel like going out. What happens then? Is that what you’re asking?

The ego is so clever that it looks for ways to get back at the other person. Click To Tweet

That’s a good start except, and this is not necessarily our thing, but if they are consistent like we’re in two different wavelengths. It’s not like, “Because I’m tired or I’m not tired,” that’s understandable. If we’re like, she likes to go to sleep at 8:00 and I like to go to bed at midnight. That’s something that’s not a one-off thing, it’s consistent.

It depends on the experience because I already talked about whether you eat at the same time, whether you go to sleep at the same time. Those things can be worked out with people even though they’re on a different schedule if you will.

I use that as an example. I love to go dancing and you hate to go dancing, which is opposite but that’s fine.

That’s something you should know about before you even get together. Maybe you did at the beginning and now maybe you don’t want to do that anymore. What has to happen is you both have to sit down and have a conversation and say, “Honey, you know that I get up at 4:00 to go to work in the morning and going out is not something that works well for me on whatever night it is.” If you get down to the feeder in the sand, you have options. One is whichever one of you can make a concession and at that moment say, “It’s not my very first choice, but I know this is important to you so I’m going. I’m going to go dancing.” What you in return at another time, you may feel like dancing and then you’d say to me, “I know that you need to go to bed, why don’t you stay home and rest? We’ll just watch a movie,” or whatever.

Another option is to say, “If you want to go dancing, go dancing.” If you try to hold a partner back from what they are passionate about, it’s never going to work out well. That sounds easy but if you have a partner that’s jealous or insecure that doesn’t want their partner going out dancing and drinking on their own, then you have core issues that are going on that are much deeper than going out and dancing. Those are things that have to be worked out at a much deeper level. Usually, it takes some coaching and some clarity to find out why is it that you want to go dancing every single night or something like that.

Whenever we want to do something that’s out of the routine, then there’s something going on. Either there’s a sense of feeling trapped and that sense of freedom. It’s always going to be about fear so you can know that. It’s what kind of fear are we talking about. “I’m afraid because I’m getting older and now I’m trapped in this relationship. I can’t do anything and I can’t be with other people,” and whatever it is that goes through the mind. There are things that need to be explored inside of ourselves. You all who are reading, if you’ve got one of these things going on, go inside and see what’s underneath your need to do something that’s out of character of who it is that you used to be.

It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a personality shift and now you want to do that, but there’s always a reason behind everything we do. There are no accidents and nothing happens by happenstance. Therefore, it takes introspection. It takes open, clean, safe, impeccable communication to where each person is at. If it turns into a pissing contest, then you know that it’s not about what it appears to be about. We’re never angry for the reason that we think. What we have is something else that is going on underneath the covers and therefore there’s something that’s not being spoken. Little things get built up little by little until pretty soon that one brick in the wall becomes a 1,700-foot wall and then somebody comes to me and it’s a challenging experience to undo that. Everything needs to be at the get-go or as soon as you become aware of it.

Some people are in relationships and they don’t know and all that. I want to get back to what you said at the very beginning when I said what does selfish mean? You said, “I hope you are.” Would you clarify that statement? I think this whole concept of selfish ties into the love of self. Could you address that?

Most of the time people think of selfish as probably something right next to narcissistic, meaning that they only are all about themselves and nothing and nobody else matters. That is not necessarily the truth. In fact, it isn’t the truth. Selfish means that you are aware, conscious, sensitive and compassionate to who you are and what you need. You are also open, sensitive and compassionate for what other people need, your partner, since that’s what we’re talking about. That means that you have to determine, and this is a tricky one so be careful, this is one of the ways that the ego works. It’s not that you want what you say you want, but you want to be in control.

RDD 29 | Being Selfish In Relationships

Being Selfish In Relationships: There’s always a reason behind everything we do. There are no accidents and nothing happens by happenstance.


You are feeling at a very deep subconscious level, a little bit irritated at that person. Maybe they made a comment that was a little bit on the south side and it hurt, although you didn’t respond. They didn’t even know that they said it perhaps, not on a conscious level. Those little sarcastic remarks are like barbs. They’re like knives and swords, depending upon how sensitive you are and the degree of energy that came with it. Based on that, you may have gotten a few barbs. Maybe you’ve gotten many. Maybe you’ve gotten a few knives or even a few swords, and yet you don’t come back or talk about it or get support with it. What happens is that you end up shoving it down. The ego is so clever. It looks for ways to get back at the person.

We’re talking about passive-aggressive here.

It’s very passive-aggressive and sometimes people don’t even know that’s passive-aggressive. Most people don’t know that sarcasm is passive-aggressive. Most people don’t realize that not all, but most jokes are passive-aggressive. When you say, “You’re wearing that shirt again.” That’s a passive-aggressive statement. The person goes, “Why? What’s wrong?” You go, “I was just kidding. That’s the shirt you always wear.” That was not true. That was a passive-aggressive statement regardless of what you personally think.

Are you saying that we do these passive-aggressive things and we call that being selfish or we classify it as being selfish?

No, what I’m saying is that if we feel hurt, injured, wounded, angry, upset or whatever, let’s say you want to go dancing, but it’s not that I’m so tired. It’s that I don’t want to give you what you want.

Now the truth comes out.

My dancing shoes are waiting to go out, but I’m not giving up to you buster. I might not even know that. Instead, as you know, “I’ve had a long day. I’m tired.” That may be true, but it always wants to be looking for that innuendo, that subconscious, that very lethal stealthy-like experience that comes out. If you’re not aware that that’s occurring, this is why relationships go down the tubes so quickly, because of this passive-aggressive. People want to get back at each other. They’re vying for control and all these things make us feel not good on levels that we don’t even have awareness about. When it comes to being selfish, when I’m talking about selfish, I’m talking about knowing yourself. I’m talking about knowing what you need to make sure that you are taking care of all of your personal needs and speaking the truth about that. It’s about the love of self. It’s about loving your self.

If you are in a place where you are running a program that says, “That’s selfish of me to ask for help. That’s selfish of me to ask somebody to do something different than what they’re doing,” or whatever number we run in our head, that then is our fear. Our fear is then going to keep us thinking it’s noble because we’re not selfish, but that’s a bunch of baloney. The bottom line is that selfish means love of self. Selfish means being aware of what it is that’s important to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual bodies. It also means that you honor and respect that to the highest level you can. The other piece of that means that you pay attention to, “Is that something that’s important or are you getting out the little barb or the little knife for the passive-aggressive?”

At this point, it’s something I’ve never considered when thinking about it. It strikes home for me the idea of we need to be aware to see when it’s about us or it’s about getting back at the other guy.

A lot of “littles” make a big deal. Click To Tweet

It is important. Some people think that if they wait on their partner hand and foot, they do not ever give any response that seems adverse or conflicting towards the other person. They agree with everything, they go everywhere, and they do everything. Rarely is that person who is so passive happy because they’re shoving themselves down. What that means is they need to be loved and accepted and have the illusion of being safe. They are doing whatever they know how to do to try to get that experience in their relationship, but that is not love, my friends. It has nothing to do with love. It’s related to fear. What happens is the other person gets that and whether you realize it or not, most of the time will then start not liking you, even resenting you. What’s happening is you are mirroring to them a state of weakness and most people are not okay with a feeling of weakness.

If everything is so passive, it drives most people crazy except for those that are desiring to be in control and own, but that’s another whole story. In general, if you are one of those people that like strengths and whatever and your partner is saying, “Yes, sir. Yes, ma’am,” then almost always there’s going to be a big riff that comes between because you lose respect for somebody that has lost themselves. They have no backbone, they have no opinion, no clarity because they have lost themselves. This happens so often in relationships. Most of my coaching is done with one of the people has lost themselves in the relationship because it’s too scary to stand up and be what we would call selfish, but I’m saying be true to yourself.

I wanted to comment that the whole thing about being passive and taking that on is you stuffing down your own authenticity. The example you were talking about where someone does things for the other person and not looking at or taking care of their own needs, their authenticity of what they need gets stuffed away. Pretty soon that will cause anger and resentment.

It turns out unfun for both people. When a person is not taking care of themselves, then they will frequently activate the other person. They themselves feel so unworthy that they start beating themselves up and their inner critic voice gets intense. They’re angry and resentful at the other person for not saying to them, “Let’s do it your way.” They want them to step up and save them. They want them to say, “Let’s do it your way.” Most people will go, “Then we’ll go where I’m going.” There are others that I see a lot is, “Where do you want to go to dinner?” “I don’t care.” Any decision that had come between two people can go into that.

What I’ve found to be helpful is on a scale of one to ten, how much do you want Mexican food? On a scale of one to ten, how much do you want Bento Sushi or whatever the case maybe? You have to weigh that out. This also happens a lot, at least in our relationship. He’ll say, “Where do you want to go?” I’ll say, “I don’t care. Where do you want to go?” He’ll say, “I don’t care. Make a decision. Where do you want to go?” I’ll say, “I’d like to go to Margarita Factory.” He’ll go, “I don’t want Mexican food.” I want to strangle this person. I want to throttle him because he said he didn’t care, but then he comes back and says something adverse to what I said. You’ll run into that probably in your relationship if you haven’t already also.

That should be the least of the problems in a relationship.

A lot of littles make a big, and that’s an important statement. That means that one little thing comes up, it’s no big deal. It comes up a second time with something else, I’m okay. The third time, this is a little bit yucky and then pretty soon, a whole bunch of stuff goes on. It is important to stay awake. I know in every podcast I’m sure I say it, stay awake. Be aware. Be in self-awareness at such a high level that you know what you’re doing, thinking, saying, feeling, experiencing. Some people call that selfish and I call that self-love. The question is what happens when you are taking care of you?

That’s going to increase my self-esteem. It’s going to increase my groundedness, my love of self, that I’m important enough to do something that I need to do.

In other words, you are increasing your sense of self-worth. When you feel good about yourself, would it be fair to say that you feel happy?

RDD 29 | Being Selfish In Relationships

Being Selfish In Relationships: Rarely is a person who is so passive happy because they’re shoving themselves down.


For sure, then I’m going to be happy with my partner.

That is the key. When you’re happy, your partner has a much higher likelihood of being happy. Things will slide by you that don’t mean a thing anyway. On a day that you’re off your center, it will probably irritate you to heck and you know that you’ve seen that occur 100 times in your relationship or your life with anybody or somebody. When we are working with such intense focus on ourselves, as I was saying in the meetup, we get so filled up that we can’t help it. The love overflows out of us and we’re loving on people. It doesn’t even matter whether they ask for it or whether they want it or anything. I know some of you are going, “You don’t love people that don’t want it.” I’m not talking about running up to a stranger and hugging them. I’m talking about being who you are, which is a clear open vessel of good humor, good attitude, high vibration, high frequency. You smile and help people see that life is worth living because a lot of people don’t feel like life is worth living. You can make a difference in their world.

We are instituting a new section, which is going to be a surprise to Esateys because I thought it up in our last conversation. I was so empowered and many things came clear that I wanted to do this. This is going to be called our Takeaway Section. What I’m going to do and then I’d like Esateys to do and then I’ll ask the audience to jot down what their takeaway was from this episode. That way, it’s like a summary and it’s where and how did it affect you. Takeaways are important.

I agree with you, takeaways are very important. Whenever I do a coaching session with someone, I ask them what their takeaways are at the end of the call. It’s very important because you can go back and review them. What are your takeaways?

We do this in all of our retreats. We make people put their stuff down in a journal type thing so that they have a record of what they’ve taken away. My takeaway for this episode is that the idea of being selfish and determining whether I’m doing something for myself or to get back at someone is a matter of awareness. It’s the awareness of on a scale of one to ten, how important is this to me. That’s my takeaway.

One of the things that I feel is important as a takeaway for all of you reading is that you understand that when you are caring for yourself, you are increasing your own happiness quotient. Your self-love quotient increases. All of that becomes more profound in your life and in your experience of life. When that occurs, it overflows to other people. The bottom line here is there’s no way you can be selfish because it’s not like you’re only thinking of yourself. What you’re doing is filling up your own coffer if you will, to the point that it overflows onto other people. When that is your intention and that’s what you recognize is happening, then taking care of your own needs is very important. I will reiterate that communication is critical in regard to speaking what’s important to you. You have the other person do the same and come to a resolution where you both feel like you have been heard. People want to be heard and you can look inside and see if that isn’t true. Sometimes we don’t even want to change. We don’t want something to be different. We want to know that somebody cares, that we have feelings and that we’re something that’s important to us.

I now ask you to take a moment and write down your own takeaway. Maybe start a little journal so you have this and we hope you’re tuning in to this show regularly. Pretty soon you’ll get some important points that you’ll be able to work with.

Here’s an important thing. Your takeaway may not be the same as somebody else’s. Please write it in the comment section. When you write your takeaway, somebody else is going to write whatever they got. When you start reading them, then it’s going to expand the things. We remember the thing that touched us the most at that moment, but there are many other things that you got out of this. If each of you are willing to write down your takeaways, what will occur is you will support yourself and others and seeing things from a bigger viewpoint, which you all know I’m a high fan of. That is what I would highly recommend. If you can think of any other ideas about that, then let us know. I think this is a great section, Rafael.

It was an inspiration.

The fear of being alone or the unknown is one of the biggest core issues that humans have. Click To Tweet

I am so glad because inspiration is much more powerful than desperation.

The episode before this is what to do with feelings that you’re afraid to express. Susan from Rhode Island wrote in, “I’m feeling so bottled up with feelings that are terrifying to express. For one thing, I am afraid my partner will throw up his hands and leave. I’m afraid of the relationship ending, but is that true?”

When you have those very strong fears, then you know right away that you have given your energy away to the other person. Whenever you feel terrified that they’re going to leave, it activates an abandonment issue, which we all have in varying degrees. That fear of being alone or the unknown is one of the biggest core issues that humans have. It is created and driven by fear. It will always come out with that kind of feeling wrapped around it. That’s important for you to realize. Is it true? Not necessarily. One way you can start to open this up is you can say to your partner, “I have something that I want to talk about, but I noticed that I’m frightened about it.” You can continue with, “If I share what I’m about to share, would you be willing to let me speak before you say anything?” That helps set the groundwork for the first half of the sentence comes out and all of a sudden, they’re all over you.

Another thing is if that’s too terrifying, you need to get somebody as a mediator. Get a coach. Call me. Go somewhere and get somebody because it’s obvious that some things are going on in the relationship that are not ideal. You’re living in a state of fear about that. That’s important to recognize because your relationship will not grow productively if you’re living in a lot of fear. The other thing that you can do is you can consider writing an email or a handwritten letter that will help you get your feelings out. Sometimes writing it down will help dissolve itself away. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything to another person because remember that whatever we have going on is coming from you, who I’m speaking to but it’s true for everybody.

It comes from our own personal perception. Your personal perceptions are it’s not safe to communicate. It’s not safe to be who you are. It’s not safe to be open and free in the relationship with all the different parts of yourself. You’re living in fear and insecurity. You feel suppressed and on one level or another, you’re going to be feeling trapped inside an experience. You’ll find, because I’ve been there and I’ve done this before, that you’ll start like a beautiful flower that you are and you’ll start to wilt. You’ll get smaller and smaller until pretty much there’s nothing left of you because all of your energy is over there being concerned, worried and terrified about what they’re going to think, what they’re going to do, how they’re going to react and all those other kinds of things.

That is not a happy life. That is not a joyful relationship. That is not a loving relationship. I feel that you can use a couple of these possibilities. If you want some tremendous support to increase your self-love and your level of empowerment and help you let go of the fears that are under there, then you can contact me or find a coach for yourself that will help you undo or unleash so much that’s going on. I do recommend that if you write it down once or twice, don’t send it. Just write it down and look at it two days later and see if it still is hot of a topic inside of you than it was before. Those are some beginning suggestions.

This brings up a whole bunch of stuff. One thing I wanted to say about writing it down when you’re angry. I got triggered at someone. I went to my computer and I wrote an email that was probably not the kindest or the way to get what it was that I was seeking. Instead of sitting on it and not sending it, I hit send and that is a terrible mistake. You can send it tomorrow. You don’t have to send it while you’re in the midst of 200% triggered because that will be nonproductive for whatever it is you are trying to achieve from that.

It brings us back to we’re never angry for the reason that we think. We get triggered and we dump it all out and that’s not what’s going on. Write it out, then take a break, take a breath, come back and see it again. If you still can’t see it, then get some support from somebody who’s not in the same level of reaction that you are. They’re clear, neutral and they have the ability to see things from a bigger viewpoint.

I enjoy being with you and chatting. What’s our question of the day, Esateys?

RDD 29 | Being Selfish In Relationships

Being Selfish In Relationships: When you are caring for yourself, you are increasing your own happiness quotient.


“What if the happier I was, the happier my relationship was?” If you just asked that question rhetorically and allow your mind to go to the possibilities here, then what’s being said underneath is what if I was self-caring and taking care of what’s important to me and being open-hearted and compassionate with others about that? What if that made a significant critical life-changing experience in my partner?

If keeping the takeaways and even these questions of the week that we give are a value to you, let’s say you miss something in the show or whatever, you can go to Esateys.com/podcasts so you can go through that. It’s very popular and transformative.

Until we meet again, know that I am you and you are me. We are one and you are loved. I can’t wait to connect with you next time.

Send us your comments. We’d love to hear from you. Take care.

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Author: Esateys Stuchiner

Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.

Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.

Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.

For more information, go to esateys.com.

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