Is there really such a thing as right or wrong? Judgment is defined as our personal opinion of what is right versus others’ own perspectives. It stems from our need to be seen as an individual with value. We wouldn’t be able to stop our judgmental attitude from surfacing if we don’t look inside ourselves and seek awareness on why we do it. Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner give their take on why it comes natural for humans to judge others. They also discuss how it prevents us from achieving true happiness, all the while sharing tips on how we can avoid doing it.
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Are Your Judgments Getting In The Best Of Your Relationship?
Our topic is going to be, Are Your Judgments Getting the Best of Your Relationship? Esateys and I have been in a relationship for many years and I have judgments coming up all the time and it is something that I am constantly working on.
Everybody has judgments all the time. Judgments can be determined either “good judgments” or even “bad judgments.” A judgment is an opinion and the opinion is based on whatever you think is right versus what somebody else might think is right. Your judgment is just a thought process that you have about the way you think life should be and if it doesn’t match your belief systems, then everybody else was messed up.
I always think I’m right and I’m sure most people think they’re right or whatever. What do we do about this? That seems like it’s normal that we think we’re right, we know better.
You think you’re right because you want to feel empowered. When you’re willing to recognize the power doesn’t come from being right, the best, the strongest, the most whatever controlling, then you start to realize that being in one of those usurping situations where you’re always trying to usurp someone else is not where joy is. It’s not where the value of life is. It doesn’t bring you happiness. It gives you the illusion that somehow you have value because deep in your core you feel like you aren’t valuable. What that means is that pretty much everybody is fighting to prove to themselves that they are valued, they are loved, and they are lovable. They fight like crazy to be right. If you take the right or the wrong out of it and you acknowledge, “This is what I am framing this to be like and it’s the only way,” then based on what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown up in life and what I’ve decided is so from whomever it is that taught me that this is what I’ve come up with. What has come up for you and your upbringing and why is it that you feel that that’s accurate for you without it turning into a debate about who’s upbringing was better or went down some other rabbit hole.
I relate this to a control issue. We did an episode about this, Would You Rather Be Right than Happy? I would refer that to everyone to read because the underlying stuff of what we’re going to be talking about, you’ll get a good basis of that. The judgments, they come and it’s hard to think that we’re wrong.
Judgments are survival mechanisms. That’s important to recognize. It is a survival mechanism for the ego because the ego feels that if it is not right and it’s not on top of things and on top of everyone else, then it is diminished in its value, its control, its energy. As many of you have known me to use the example in other episodes about which wolf are you feeding, if you are feeding the part that is open and aligned and not fighting, in other words non-resistive living, then that’s the way your life is going to head. If you are spending your time and your energy and all of your effort on fighting to be right, judging to make somebody else feel wrong because every judgment is about somebody being on top of somebody being below. If you’re not so busy trying to make somebody else feel crummy, then you are going to be. The more you do that, the more you are feeding that part of you which will grow and demand that life starts to expand that which it does and it will until you lose sight of anything except the humongous over control of your ego.When you feel empowered, you don’t have to fight to be right. You wouldn’t feel the need to judge somebody else. Click To Tweet
To me, when I think of this judgment thing, I always think of two people in the pool. When we were kids, one person would push someone down and that would elevate them. You push someone down and as you do that you go up and that’s the way of the ego feeling it’s on top, surviving and it’s in control.
When you notice that you are judging, immediately recognize that there’s some part of you that you are fighting for control. That in that very moment, some part of you which you may not be consciously aware of, is feeling threatened, fearful, impotent and not feeling empowered. Because when you feel empowered, you don’t have to fight to be right. You don’t have to judge somebody else. You reach a place in life where you see people doing what they’re doing because that’s the best they know at that moment and you’re doing what you’re doing because that’s the best you know at that moment and it doesn’t mean that one is right and one is wrong. Our society has created this amazing dichotomy of right and wrong.
Judgments are all about being in that lane of right and wrong because the judgment means something is good or something is bad. Something is right or something is wrong. If you get to be good and you get to be right, then you get to feel like you are awesome. When in fact what happens is somebody else that you’re arguing with or putting down feels bad. In those moments, people do not remember most of the time that I am you, you are me and we are one. When I make you feel bad, I feel bad. You may or may not recognize that. I’ve said that to people and they go, “No, I feel good when somebody else gets put in their place.” On some level, your ego does feel good but in your core, we don’t like to see people suffer.
What I like about this, which means so much to me is that if we can stay cognizant of that there is no right or wrong just because I think it doesn’t make it right. That’s a hard concept. I know in a relationship, two people are in a relationship. One person thinks they’re right and therefore the other person has to be wrong. How does a couple deal with that? How do you deal with that in any relationship?
It comes back to it’s all about you, meaning inside of yourself. Your life is a choice-driven perception. When that is recognized, what occurs is that you have to have a certain level of awareness and you have to have a certain level of desire, which takes me to the program that I’ve done called AQDQ, Awareness Quotient and Desire Quotient. I highly recommend that to everyone reading because when you listen to that program, going to start to recognize that if you don’t have awareness about what’s going on in your life, the way you’re thinking, the way you’re acting, the way you’re reacting, the way you’re responding. Whatever it is that you’re doing, the way you think, then there is nothing you’re going to be able to do about that because there has to be a certain level of awareness. That awareness can come by somebody else screaming at you or knocking you down.
It can come from being in a place where you start looking consciously and watching, observing what it is that is occurring in what you’re saying and when that occurs, then you start to develop awareness. Once you have the awareness, then what’s a necessity is you have to have a desire to change that and then every door starts to open to support you in that. If you are walking around and you don’t even know that you are judgmental. If you don’t know and you’re not aware that judgment has everything to do with you, you feeling more and they feel less, then you’re going to just keep on doing it because the ego is so in control. Ego personality, I’m going to use them interchangeably here. That personality is so excited because it’s on top of the world because it got somebody to look like they were less than them and when they’re less than them, then to get the illusion that you are more than them and yet people aren’t happy when they do that. I do not know and I have never known anyone who had high levels of judgment that were happy. They may not even know that they’re not happy, but they’re not.
I want to give a plug for the AQDQ program. The program is five modules and we have transcripts. I listened to the whole program. I must have listened to it four or five times and every time that I listened to it, I get so much more. It’s important especially in this context because if we don’t know we’re judging, we’re going to keep judging and then that’s going to have ramifications throughout the whole relationship. The awareness thing that you’re talking about it is critical. The second thing that I wanted to say about this whole awareness business is that if we perceive that we’re always right, there can never be a meeting of the minds because I’m always right and you’re wrong. In a relationship, there’s got to be give and take. There has to be understanding, compassion, and mutuality. If you’re not aware that you’re not doing that and you’re not having compassion because the other person is doing the best they can and they’re right and you are not. You’re sunk if you don’t have that basic awareness.
I loved everything you said until you said, “What if they were right?” That implies that you’re sucking it up so they can feel right or you’re going to bite it because you’re just going to give it up because you surrender to the fact that they’re right, which immediately creates the same feeling. I’ll drop on the floor and I’ll be the doormat and I’ll let them have it this time. It’s not that. It’s not even about compassion. Ultimately, it’s about recognizing that this person has a belief system based on what they grew up learning, knowing, how they’ve been taught, how they’ve been programmed. You have yours based on how you’ve been programmed. Neither one of them is better than the other. It’s the conflict between the two that causes all the wars, conflict, argument, pain and all of the suffering. Everything that people say they don’t want in their life comes from that very thing. Rafael and I have a difference of opinion about a few things once in a while.
I’m always right and she’s always right.
I don’t look at it like he’s always right. I know that from where he comes, he believes that. I also know that from where it is that I come, that I believe what it is that I believe. The only difference is that if I recognize that he is coming from the place that he knows and I’m coming from the place that I know. We have to agree to disagree sometimes. If there’s a decision that needs to be made, black and white, then I win. Here’s one of the things that you can use as a little gauge. If you are with a partner or somebody and you’re just at a stalemate about what decision is going to be made in which direction. A powerful thing to do is to stop and look inside yourself and say, “I’m not going to let them know I’m thinking this but on a scale of one to ten how important is this to me?” Let’s take something like where we’re going to eat, “I want to go to Claim Jumper or I want to go to the Fish House. I want fish. I want to go to Claim Jumper because I want to have their stuff baked potato.” Both people are digging it in. There’s no compromise that seems to be happening. At that moment, you stop and you go inside and ask yourself, “Honestly, truly on a scale of one to ten, how much do I feel like I have to? I might die if I don’t go to Claim Jumper.”
If you come up with anywhere between one or nine, then you go, “What’s the big deal? Let’s go to The Fish House.” At that moment, your ego is going to come up and say, “I’m not letting them have that. No chance because it’s going to look like I acquiesce. I fell down, I was a doormat and they got their way and they win.” That is the piece that you will almost always show up with because the ego doesn’t want to do that either and yet it’s very important for you to take a moment and decide for yourself. If you are at a ten and you have to go there because your free coupons are going to expire in the next 24 hours and they’re discontinuing the potato or whatever it is that you felt you needed to go there for. It’s at that moment that you can say to your partner, “I desire to go do this and my request is if we can go Claim Jumper. How would it feel to you if the next time we go to The Fish House or maybe for two times we’ll go to The Fish House if that’ll matter,” or whatever it is? The bottom line is you have to negotiate. You have to learn how to drop it, get over it and still feel like both people win.
I feel like we got a little off-topic here because number one, where I was coming from in this whole thing and what I tried to say and didn’t probably say it correctly is that there is no right or wrong. There can’t be because it’s just two different perspectives. In this case, we’re talking about what a preference is and compromise rather than thinking that person’s always wrong. A person can’t be wrong because they want to have a potato but they could be wrong if they think the potato is the most important and essential thing you could eat. There’s a dichotomy there.If you’re judging others, then you’re just judging yourself, and it reinforces the unhappiness within you. Click To Tweet
To me, there is no dichotomy because what I was hearing is people out there, all of you reading are thinking, “All of these words are great. What do I do at that moment when they think they’re right to get their potato and I know I’m right to get my fish?” How do you come up with the solution? Because people are looking for solutions when they come up against this wall and they can’t seem to move forward. Theoretically, there is no right, there is no wrong, yet there I still want my potato and you’re over there with your fish. We have to find ways to work with that part of us that wants to stay steadfast. You take a right or wrong out of it and you say, “Neither one of us were right. Neither one of us were wrong.” What’s most important to you? What most important to me? A relationship has to do with giving up the battle between right and wrong. Instead, it’s more about what can I do to make your life more awesome right now?
I appreciate that and I understand that. I wanted to swing this around a little and say, when you feel yourself judging, one of the things that I do is I’ve incorporated one of the processes which I’d like you to share with us about leading the program that leading us making the judgment. Do you know what I’m referring to?
Are you talking about deleting the program?
One of the things that you can do when you find yourself digging in and saying that the other person’s wrong and I’m right, you can give yourself the empowerment of being the master at the moment. You could say, “This is just a program. Delete this program.” When you reach the place where you get that your thought processes are recycled ignorance that comes from a program that you learned and you thought about it over and over. You enacted it over and over and you heard it reiterated from other people over and over, you have become so entrained and so habituated to it, that you don’t know that there’s any possibility except that one thing. People die by the hundreds or thousands all the time. Every war is like that.
It’s like we’re on autopilot and we don’t even know it and we’re not even aware that we’re on autopilot.
That’s why I say that the good majority of the planet is asleep. That’s why I do, we do what it is that we do, which is why you are reading because there is a part of you that wants to step out of the box. This is out of the box thinking. I didn’t say it was easy. I didn’t say that this was something that came along and explodes in a nanosecond. It’s going to be all done and all better and that the world is going to be a different place, but I can tell you that have more and more people started putting down their battle gear about being right and your judgments. You’ll find that other people around you will feel safer to do that too because they won’t feel like they’re in a battle with you every time they have a conversation with you.
When somebody doesn’t feel like they have to be defensive, then they don’t have to be right either. The more and more people do that, the more empowered each person becomes. That’s how we change the world a little bit at a time. There’s going to be people that probably will never get it or it will be a very long time before they do, but they’re not your concern. Your concern my precious friends that are reading is to be in touch with what is important to you. It’s important that you decide whether you want to be happy, sad, mad or glad. Do you want to fight for your limitations or do you want to make a decision that you don’t have to be right? You don’t have to judge. You decide that you choose happy over being right. It’s a challenge sometimes until you start to recognize that there is no value in being right except for the ego.
I want to come back to how you started this episode and reiterate like you were saying that we’re judging ourselves and it’s just reinforcing the unhappiness that we have within us. I don’t think that’s where anybody wants to live. That’s why we say happiness is a choice. It’s your choice in every moment with every thought, everything you say and how you react to any particular thing that your partner does.
Your choice is going to be based on your perception. If you perceive something a certain way, you will make a choice based on that perception. If you see it from a different perception, you will make your choice based on that perception. That’s why the perception is so critical and your perception is changed by understanding the mechanics of the way the universe works. By understanding the mechanics and the systemization of how the ego and personality are put together. When you understand a polarity-based system as we have here on earth, then everything changes. That’s what I am most excited about supporting people in doing and that is to better understand the way the planet works, energy works, we work, the ego works, how the personality is responsive and reactive. All of these things are foundational information centers that are within us and you discover on your own that there is a whole other way of viewing life. You can feel good and you don’t have to be in a constant state of battle first with yourself. Because if you’re not in battle with your internal conflict, you won’t be in a battle with your external.
You get to be happy both ways once you get there and then it comes back to give. The more you give to someone, to your partner, it makes you happy and it makes them happy. It’s a give and take of energy.
Giving doesn’t happen by, “I’m going to go do this because they’re going to be indebted to me or they’re going to own me or they’re going to feel good and they’re going to love me more.” Those are underlying most of the time reasons that people give. It’s not what we’re speaking about. We’re talking about being so ensconced, filled with your own sense of self, joy, happiness, a connection that you are so full, it overflows. It’s like you’re constantly in a state of giving. Maybe this sounds like pie in the sky to you depending upon how your day is going in these ten seconds. I will tell you that it’s doable and achievable. It’s something that you can definitely have. I will also tell you that you have to stay steadfast on wanting that more than you want to stay right in your state of judgment.Happiness is an achievable goal. You need to be steadfast in wanting it more than wanting to be right. Click To Tweet
Here’s the question that we received from Ron from New Jersey. He said, “I read your episode on uncovering and looking at one’s programs and I did a lot of contemplation around that. I wanted to know how, if these programs are so entrenched and deep, that I can break free of them? Wax on wax off?”
Ron, this is where the consistency to make a change is a necessity. First of all, you have to have awareness. You have to have a desire. You also have to have so much desire that you will do whatever it takes. That means when it doesn’t seem like it’s working, you stay consistent. When you feel like, is this ever going to change? This is when you follow through. It is going to take persistence and a willingness to keep on walking through the swamp sometimes to get where it is that you want to go. Do not be discouraged or you can be discouraged, but that doesn’t mean that you stop. You never, ever let the fear and impatience stop you. You remember that for as many years as you are old and depending upon your belief system, as many lifetimes that you may have been thinking, feeling, expressing and being this way. You expect because you hear something in twenty minutes or ten podcasts that your life is going to be good. It’s possible.
I will also say that because of the energy and the evolutionary process that we are in, everything is accelerating. The energy is so much more profound that it makes us have a much easier time in shifting. When you’re around people of a much higher vibration, you’re reading books or this blog. You’re coming to the meetups that we do, you come to our retreat, you do coaching and you surround yourself with people that are committed like you are. You remove yourself from the environment and from the friendship circle that may not be uplifting, it will get easier. Follow the basic principles. Read this over and over again. Get some of our programs for two reasons. One is it’s going to give you intellectual understanding, which is important.
It’s also going to give you a chance to be thinking from a higher viewpoint because when you hang out with people with a higher viewpoint, it’s a lot easier for you to think in a higher viewpoint. If you’re on the streets in a gang doing meth and killing people from your gang group, it’s a different vibration. It’s not good or bad. It’s not right or wrong but it’s a different vibration than the things that we’re stating. You get to make a decision. If they’re just by some wild stretch of the imagination, anybody who’s reading this that happens to be in the game of gangs, meth or any of that stuff. Just keep coming back and start to divest yourself from things including toxic relationships for those of you who maybe aren’t doing meth, but you might be in a toxic relationship. Those are relationships that will make it extremely challenging for you to step above the fold and live your life differently, especially with ease.
We did a meetup called Relationships 911 in Portland. One of the things that we were talking about, which fits right into this question, is that our vibration and state of wellbeing, how happy we are, our good humor or those things, they come and they go. One moment you could be a ten. You could be happy and you could be seeing things and able to understand and then five minutes later, a trigger or anything. Many energetic factors could take you to another place so that you would see everything from a different place ten minutes later. It’s almost like wait a few minutes and things will change.
I used to live in Syracuse and they used to say, “Just wait a minute and the weather will change.” It’s the same thing. We can’t expect to have a linear growth rate and path of being happy. It’s going to go up and it’s going to go down. The thing that we’re talking about by repetition, by being in this frequency, being around these thoughts is that each low becomes higher and higher so that you keep elevating your perspective rather than decreasing it. Not to be disheartened by the fact that maybe one minute you seem to have regressed but that’s life. There are ups and there are downs. It’s what you say, life just happens.
The key is that you do not give up or beat yourself up because that will just lower your vibration more. Instead go, “New moment, new universe, new opportunity,” and you keep going.
The only thing to do is keep reading our episodes, get some of our programs because I think you’ll enjoy that and it works. We tell everyone to stay in the energy as much as possible and to stay among like-minded people who have a higher outlook, who will elevate you. Esateys, what’s our question for the day?
Our question which I support you in taking these questions and asking them every day until you come back and read the next episode. Because if you put this out there for a whole week at a time, it gives that part of your brain a chance to run out like the little Google engine that it is and bring you all kinds of contemplative of ideas. The question is, “What is the value of me judging in my relationships?” Do your very best to not try to think up things but ask it rhetorically. Don’t think about it again and certain things occur in people’s lives every time when this comes up and from there you are able to have a place where you see things differently and you can make different choices.
One more thing I wanted to add. If this episode has been meaningful to you, invite your partner to read this with or without you. That will help open up the flow between the two of you to break any habits or any heart encrusted habits that either one of you may not be aware of. Just sharing this with your partner will be powerful and more importantly, share it with your friends on Facebook and let them know the value that you’re getting from this. Right below each episode, you can leave a comment and we will certainly respond to it. We’d love to hear what you’re thinking and we’d love to hear what you’d like and what you don’t like.
If you have things that you would like to know or you have some constructive ideas, we’re always open because we’re here in service to you. Just let us know what you need, what you want and what’s important to you in your life.
We will see you next time.
Feel a hug and remember that I am you, you are me and we are one. Therefore, we will never judge ourselves and therefore, we will never have a judgment about anyone else.
Because if we’re going to judge someone else, we are just judging ourselves. Why do that?
Bye for now.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.