It is easy to blame the media, office environment, or the state that you live in for the urges to cheat that you might be feeling – but is cheating really driven by those external forces? In this segment, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner examine these “excuses” and get to the bottom of why someone cheats. Cheating is not a result of one’s predicament but, rather, a symptom of something deeper. Living a life of guilt is not living at all. Learn how to stop cheating. Don’t miss this episode for the hope of recovery and chance of finding true happiness and contentment within.
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Cheating, Have you Ever Had the Urge?
Our topic is cheating. Have you ever had the urge?
Never, not anymore. I would like to start by saying one thing. We live in Washington State and out of the big city. I used to live in New York City. I was in a big law firm, etc. I watched the TV show, Suits, and I watched a lot of other shows from New York. It’s so easy to see how the cheating urge is created by the environment we live in. That’s not an issue out here or an issue for me, but when I see the amount of suggestions, sexuality, great looking bodies, men and women looking to attract the other sex, it’s amazing to me. I can appreciate how that can affect you without you even being aware of it.
That’s a good point, although I would beg to differ that being in Washington, somehow that’s also different. It’s not just that, exposure is an important thing to consider because if you’re an alcoholic, you don’t want to be a bartender. If you know that you have very high energy around sex, then you know that if you are going to live on the beach in LA, San Diego or somewhere, and you’re spending your time looking at a lot of bodies that are very exposed, that’s going to make it more difficult for you to deal with what could be a sex addiction.
It can also be something that people, literally become so internally activated by whatever is underlying that, they are activating something that’s there. This wouldn’t be nearly as challenging if the people that had those issues were awake, but people are basically asleep, unconscious and unaware. Therefore, when these addictions are there, they just act from a very deep-rooted base way, but that’s not where I want to go with this. When we talk about cheating, have you ever had the urge? Let’s get right to the bottom core issue. Whenever we are looking for something over there, it’s because we don’t feel like we’re enough in here.
Something outside of ourselves.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking of somebody that you want to go sleep with. It could be an emotional relationship or a physical relationship. There are a lot of different kinds of what some people will call cheating. That’s another subject which we may or may not get into, but for now, give me an example, Rafael, then I will give you some insight about that. Make up some situation.
People who are building a career and we talked about that. The subject of our past episode was how they sometimes spend a lot of time in business, in building a career, building a profession and leaving less time at home. Let’s take that situation, where someone is very engaged in building their career or their profession. Even to compound it more where there are children, and there is less time for intimacy and connection between the two because the children are an issue. You have those two kinds of things. It seems to me, it’s a prescription for the urge to cheat.
I don’t agree with that. The prescription for cheating comes from a feeling of lack and not enough within. The bottom line is that we don’t feel like our needs are being met. Everybody have varying differences in the level of what their personal needs are. We all have physical needs. We all have mental and emotional needs. Whenever we’re looking out there, then what we’re looking for is something that we think we don’t have in here. The bottom line is that it never works because of how many affairs have you either been in, seen or experienced, even on TV that virtually always end up in a complete catastrophe. It is not something that works out well because we’re looking for something on a superficial level.
Are you saying that the reason for this is not the environment. It’s not the things that are happening. It’s an internal thing. Is that what you’re saying?
I’m saying first, it’s an internal thing. Secondly, the environment will activate the experience of emptiness, vacuum, not having enough, not being enough and not feeling loved. When you see something that looks like it’s better or the grass is greener over there, then some comparison starts. “They’re all dressed up and look all this awesomeness. My wife doesn’t put on her makeup. She doesn’t look good. She’s always screaming at the kids.” When you look at those circumstances, it becomes an unaware person. It will look like, “I’m going to go over there where I’m going to get all the glamour and wild crazy sex.” There are no arguments because what is there to argue about? You’re not dealing with the kids growing up and the screaming. Instead, it’s about that moment of having a need, which is usually a need to feel valued. Affairs occur because people that have affairs don’t feel valuable inside.
Is that about the fact that the partner is not being attentive, is being distant so that they’re not getting what they need? Does it matter if someone is empty inside? Are they as likely to cheat if their partner is actively trying to be in the relationship, etc.?
That was very convoluted. Let me try to take that apart. First of all, if you have a partner who is not being attentive to you and you feel that you need that, then the likelihood is that you will start to wander. Let’s be clear here because a man can be working so diligently on his business or his promotion. He gets home at 7:00, 8:00, 9:00 at night. He gets up and goes to work at 8:00. He’s not spending any time with his wife or his kids. She feels that she’s an unpaid babysitter and her personal value starts to tank as well. A woman can start looking for somebody. You’ve seen it in all the movies. The gardener, the tennis coach, the pool guy and the person who they meet every day when they take their kids to school because he happens to be a single dad. He’s caring about the kids. He’s making time for them.
Suddenly, she’s like, “This looks a whole lot better.” She’ll look there many times to get her own personal sense of value handled. Meanwhile, the guy may or may not be working late hours with another woman. It may be that he’s working on his business, but she’s out here in the vacuum. It can also work where the guy is working with his first intention on building the business for his family and his children, but he’s working with somebody who happens to have their need not being met. They’re working and his straight-arrow got his blinders on. After a long enough time and she’s there meeting his emotional and his mental needs, pretty soon there’s a depth that occurs. All of a sudden she’s like, “Maybe I got to whatever.”Affairs occur because people that have affairs don't feel valuable inside. Click To Tweet
The urge comes up, whether he acts on it or not, has so much to do with his own personal sense of fulfillment. How connected is he within himself? How much does he look to others, to other people, to money, to sex, to hobbies, to anything to get his needs met. If his needs are all met from those things, then what occurs is if one of those needs is not being met, then they’re going to start having that urge much more readily than if they are content within themselves, totally connected to what they’re doing, loving the fact that they’re building their business, loving their partner, loving their children, whether they have it or not. That’s where their priority is. It comes down to priority, but most importantly, it comes down to who are you within? How do you feel within yourself? That’s a big thing. Most people have the urge because they don’t feel like they are enough. They need something to help them prove that they are more loved.
I have two things. One, you were talking about men going out, working and building their career while we’re seeing this whole generation where women are out in the workforce doing exactly that. The distinctions between men and women and their level of testosterone are showing that the boundaries are disintegrating. What has been equally true for men is now equally true for women. I don’t want to leave without saying that we have to look at this from both sides and because the women could be the working person too.
It could be and most of the time it is that they’re both working. If they are not making time for each other, and they’re not sharing what they’re working about, where their passions and where their desires, then they are going to end up drifting apart.
You’ve now established that the urge to cheat comes from an internal disconnect and internal unhappiness when something is not being met. What does a couple do about it? A practical advice.
First of all, it’s not just about the couple. It’s always remembering my favorite term, “A relationship is a self-development course.” If you’re in a relationship and you’re having the urge, you feel like you’re becoming distant from your partner and you feel like your needs aren’t being met, the first question to ask yourself on your practical level would be, “Am I communicating with my partner? What’s going on with me?” Are you sitting down face-to-face? Not text, not email, not on the phone, but face-to-face and saying, “This is something that’s going on with me and I want to share this with you. I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not saying that you know what to do about it, but I want to open it up.”
That act will open the door. Your partner is either going to say, “I’m so glad you told me because I didn’t realize I was spending all this time over there. I wasn’t attending to you or vice versa.” The communication is extremely important in what I call an external level within the relationship. From there, make some agreement, reschedule your life, determine how much time you are committed to making with each other. Also, schedule it so you realize that you have time to sit down and be with each other. What happens with most people is one or both people come home and they turn on the TV. They’re not having any connection time. They want to zone out because they’ve had such a day. Based on that, it’s important that you create time to be with each other and be with the family if that part is important to you.
I’m hearing that and communication. How do we approach our partner? If you came to me and said that to me, I would probably be devastated because then I would say, “Maybe I’m not performing sexually. I’m inadequate. There are things that are wrong with me.” That could be devastating. How do we approach our partner with opening this dialogue?
The way that you approach someone is to be centered and grounded . You sit down and say, “There’s something I have going on inside of me. I would like to talk to you about it.” You take responsibility. It’s never about the other person because it’s never about the other person. It’s always about how you are determining and perceiving your moment. I have to get to the core of what’s going on. All of these things that we’re talking about, these are all symptoms of a lack of connection. These are all of the things that happen when we don’t know who it is that we truly are. That’s why we do the work that we do is to help people wake up to what’s true in life and within themselves. When you have that sense of knowing that the other person is just there to show you pieces of your own insecurities, then you start realizing that it’s a gift and you get out of your head about any of this.
You look at it as a signal, neon sign, a firework blast that is saying, “I need to do deeper work. I need to look inside and see why I’m framing this way. Why am I spending so much time at work? Why am I even having these urges?” All of those things are telling you that your inner needs are not being met, but your inner needs are not about sex or money or any of that. Those are on the side. It’s not that you don’t have those human needs, but the biggest desire, the biggest core within each and every one of us is to know who we are. You’re reading this blog, that’s a start. Getting some of these programs that we have is another start. Doing retreats and coming to meetups. This is all we do to help you see the truth underneath the covers. It is not about what’s happening in bed.
It’s not about the urge. The urge is a symptom that you feel empty and not enough inside. Some people stand there and argue with me because I’ve had it happen. “No, it’s a physical need. If I’m not getting it at home, I’m going somewhere else to get it.” That’s great. That is a completely asleep way of looking at it and you can keep doing that, but notice that it’s temporary. Remember, everything is temporary. You can go have a fling, you can have a one night stand or you can have a five-year affair, but are you happy? Do you feel at peace? Do you feel like you’re enough? Can you go day-to-day and not have all these external factors try to prop you up and still feel alive in life? Do you love your life if you don’t have all of the external things, people and things that you do to make you feel whole and complete? I promise you, if you have the slightest bit of awareness, you’ll know the truth, which is no because the money doesn’t do it.
The sex doesn’t do it. The relationship doesn’t do it. The kids don’t do it. They are temporary forms of happiness. I’m saying that that’s great to have those, but if you want to know joy, if you want to know who you are, then you have to stop looking out there, over there and move your focus in here. Who am I and what am I doing here? You start getting the support and awareness that will open up the mind that has not been invited to consider other ways of thinking about life, to where you start perceiving things differently or you stop blaming. You stop judging. You live with an open heart and compassion. You live with your arms wide open. Those of you that have the ability to do this, stand up, put your shoulders back and put your arms wide open.
Live with your heart and your chest back in a state of openness. When you do that, you’re allowing new thoughts and new ways of being to occur in your life. If you want to know why you have the urge, go inside and find out what you are about. Everything that we do in this work will lead you there. There are other people that can do that as well. I’m not saying this is the only way. This is a way and it is powerful. It’s intense, it’s deep and no urge will ever come except to know more about who you are once you open up the door that shows you what the real urgent life is about, which is to become fully aware and in a total state of joy and peace.
I want to ask one last question before we go on to our question from New York. My question is very often we start a relationship, it’s hot, we’re connected or we think we’re connected. We have gone for six months, eight months, then all of a sudden, all the fizzle seems to go away. Can you relate that to what is happening with what you’ve just said?
When that occurs, it is because whatever you have that is coming from an external satisfaction is temporary. Everything is temporary. Therefore, you live off the energy of the initial, your ego feels good. You feel alive. Your sex life is being met. You feel happy and proud, but it will never do it. It will never handle it. When you see that occurring, realize that is a wake-up call. Everything is a wake-up call. Your relationship is a wake-up call. Your feeling of not enough or the urge to go somewhere is a wake-up call. Your sense of helplessness is a wake-up call. When somebody is unkind to you and you find yourself reactive, that’s a wake-up call. Every moment is a wake-up call to help you recognize that the game called life is about recognizing when the wake-up calls are coming, then move your focus towards the inner part of what’s true in you, not what is temporary out here. Even your body is temporary, everything is going to come and go.The biggest desire within every one of us is to know who we are. Click To Tweet
If you put all your eggs in the basket of it’s going to go, then you’re never going to know what you want to know. If you put all your eggs in the internal part of you which is never-ending, cannot die, couldn’t die, can’t even do anything except be itself, then you will feel whole and complete. What happens is when you feel whole and complete from the deepest core of your being, then all that fills up and overflows into your outer world and suddenly the urge is about the love. The urge is about living another day and enjoy. The urge is to express that love to other people. The urge is to spend an amazing time with your family. The urge is to let all of the intelligence and all of the emotional passion of what you’re here on the planet to experience and express that comes out, but it is sourced from the inner engine, not from the external temporary that’s going to go away.
I appreciate that and I would suggest going through that again because there was so much in there. I was vigorously taking notes. Esateys, we have a question from Rick from New York and he’s referring to the program we did, which is what comes first, your job or your relationship? His question is, “I am starting a new business and I’m spending most of my time focused on it. I feel bad, what should I do?”
Recognize that guilt is another gift for you to recognize that it’s a wake-up call. On a practical level, what I would highly recommend is that you sit down with your family and children if you have them and say, “I’m building a business. I’ve got this new thing that’s happening.” For a certain period of time and then you determine that period of time, say six months, “I’m going to be needing to spend extra time at the office. I’m going to be needing to do certain things even when I’m home, but I want you to be on my team. Are you willing to do that?” You, including the wife and the children. “Being on the team means that you have certain things that are going to help us all build the business by giving me ideas, by being supportive if I have to come home late. Recognizing that I will always love you regardless of whether my body is here in the house or whether it’s at the office. Talking to me about how you’re feeling and letting me know when you feel like you need me to go out and play in the yard and throw a ball.”
Open up the communication with your family. Invite them to speak to you about how they’re feeling and what their needs are. Determine if you are willing to take some even short period of time to meet those needs. There is a great book called Year of Yes Shonda Rhimes. She’s the one who created Grey’s Anatomy. This book is a little autobiography and it’s very powerful. It’s funny and it’s also well done because she talks about how she became enthralled in her work and how was she going to take time for her kids, which were extremely important to her. One of the things that she did on the way out the door, one of her little kids would say, “I need you to be the doggy for me.” She would ask herself, “Do I have 30 seconds to make my daughter’s day?” She would get on her knees and bark.
The bottom line is just little quick vignettes like that will make the world of difference. The same with your wife or your partner, whomever it is. Make an agreement that there’s a time that you will allocate to that. Let her be in on how you’re feeling so she feels she’s a part of your life even when she’s not with you. See if there are certain things that she could do to be supportive to help the business grow even more. If she’s already working full time and it is impossible to do that, then take the time to send each other a little love note or a little love emails. Take two minutes out of your day and send a little message to her to let her know that you’re thinking about her. That will make all the difference in the world. Remember that guilt is temporary and guilt is a defeatist way of living, so give it up.
First of all, the book that Esateys just mentioned by Shonda Rhimes, we give that to retreat participants to read before our retreat. We found that to be very powerful and helpful. The second thing that I wanted to mention when you were talking about sitting down the family, I had this incredible a-ha moment. What if prior to that meeting, you sat down with your wife, you enroll your wife, that your profession, your business is a joint venture for the family. It’s just not about you.
When you approach the family and you said, “I am starting a business. I need six months,” change that to we so that this becomes inclusive with you and your partner. Enroll the children into that. We, all of us are building our financial future together. We’re committed to being with you and whatever sacrifices or things that are going to come up, we’re going to try to minimize those. If it happens, we want you to know, but most importantly, we want you to be part of this whole endeavor and make this a whole family affair.
That’s a great way to put it and I’m yes for that.
That says a whole lot about creating a life together where everyone is participating and enrolled together. We have our question of the day.
These are rhetorical questions. You’re not looking for an answer. You’re just going to repeat it several times a day. Notice what happens in your life and how your life has an opportunity to give you different perceptions and different options to make. The question is, what if I allowed all of my needs to be met within first? When you do that, you will find that you will be so full that you will overflow and when you’re overflowing that love and that sense of satisfaction in the fullness of who you are, your life will absolutely shift. Open up that possibility. What if I allowed all of my needs to be met within first? I want to remind everyone what Rafael said about the relationship reboot system, which is made up of three separate programs. It’s very powerful to help you better understand yourself, your partner and how life can work for you. I also want to remind you that I do relationship coaching and have a special package about that if you have any interest in doing that.
If you want more information on either of those on our website, www.Esateys.com/relationshipcoaching will take you to the page where we explain our coaching program for relationships. If you go to Esateys.com/relationshiphelp, you’ll be able to get our free eBook, which we’ll give you some additional insights on how to make your relationship change and flourish. This has been a fun show. We enjoyed being with you. Esateys, any final thoughts?
It’s all about you and it’s all about your internal connection. It’s all about you, knowing that you are worth loving. That has to come from within first.
For me, the biggest takeaway is to think inside rather than outside anytime you have an urge that you’re uncomfortable with.
Remember that the urge is a wake-up call. The urge is a message. The urge is a gift that something internally is trying to get you to see that there’s more to life than the temporary world that you’ve been focusing on. Feel a hug.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.