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The Key To Long And Beautiful Relationships
We’re going to speak about conscious relationships, the key to everlasting relationships. This show is authentic. We do what we do. We are what we usually are, which is a little bit off the wall, a little bit irreverent and all those other things. That’s what a conscious relationship is about. It’s about being authentic. It’s about being yourself. It’s about being aware of who you are, what it is that you want to say and do. When you can be that comfortable inside your own skin, then the person you are with is either going to freak out or else they will be able to have the comfort of being able to be themselves. The thing about true powerful connective relationships is when each person is truly themselves, then what occurs is they’re going to be matched up together in a way that allows them to connect.
To create a union, grow and develop themselves and each other as a unified connection point. We become as one and yet we still sustain our own individuality. What does all that mean? You magnify those great points about each other but be aware because you’re going to magnify all the pieces you don’t necessarily think are good. You don’t see it in yourself. You see it in them. When you’re conscious and you’re aware in your relationship, what occurs is when you are suddenly looking at your partner and you notice they are judgmental or they’re being whatever it is you think they’re being. You’re in judgment. That’s an opportunity for you to see what’s happening inside of you.
Your judgments are always there to show you something you have not resolved, become okay with, unconditional about or shifted. There are lots of choices of what it is you can do with your observation of what’s going on. To be clear, which is to remind you that I will use to observe and be aware of gazillion times because it’s critical to a long-lasting relationship. A long-lasting relationship means you always stay present in your body. I realized, Rafael, you wanted to say something at the beginning of the show and I took control. Not that I ever do that and not that I’m ever controlling or dominant. If I was, that would be a demonstration of what it would have been like. I’m in complete authenticity.
You can see how we practice conscious relationships. What I did want to say was this was going to be an awesome show. I wanted to recommend that you understand what we have to say about conscious relationships because it is powerful. Through the lens of the title of our show, we don’t give the regular and normal type of relationship advice because relationships start from within. They’re all about you and never about your partner. I wanted to point out. It’s powerful to look at this from the perspective of everything that happens from the eye and that’s why we do relationships differently.
The other reason we do this is that it’s a training ground for us. Getting started seems to be our biggest thing. You would understand why it is that we do what it is that we do. We teach what we need to learn because it’s a constant state of growth. It’s a constant state of awareness. It’s amazing to talk readily about all these things. You have to practice what it is you hear or practice what you preach depending upon with whom it is you are speaking to or receiving from. I know that staying conscious is an important thing. I also know because I have coached thousands of people. I’ve spoken to many more than that. It is critical that we be present in the now and in our bodies being aware of what we’re thinking, what we are saying, what we are doing, how we’re reacting or responding to any moment in time.
When we are caught up in ourselves, what occurs is we’re over here thinking about what we want to say next, what we’re supposed to be doing, what it is that we should have done that we didn’t do. We’re somewhere else. We are not here. That means we are not conscious of that moment with ourselves. If we’re not conscious with ourselves, how are we going to be conscious with someone else? Having a conscious relationship means you are aware of you. It also means the other person is ideally aware of themselves. When two people are aware and conscious of what’s going on inside of themselves, then they can communicate about that without it turning into somebody being right and somebody being wrong.
As an example, when we first started this show, Rafael had wanted to say something and I was in a download mode. I wasn’t thinking about his needs or what he wanted. That wasn’t a true state of connection on my part or a true state of conscious awareness because I was here speaking. For him, by the time I was done with my sermon on the mount or whatever, he was over there taking a lot of deep breaths. He was using the principles we speak all the time about so he could get through his perception of what was going on and him making a personal or whatever it is that he did with it. It created us taking a little break and having a little discussion about it. The point of all of this is being constantly aware, present in the moment of what you’re thinking, feeling, saying, doing, reacting and responding is going to make a big difference. The key is because Rafael and I are both conscious, then what occurs is we can then talk about that without it turning into some massive meltdown which we’ve done before, but we didn’t do now.
An issue came up or whatever it was and the whole thing seems silly to me. The point is the conscious thing we exhibited was that we spoke about it. We put it out there. We were authentic. We went right through it. It’s now a non-thing anymore. That’s a great lesson. It’s why we do these things. We teach what we need to learn.
At this point, it’s speaking about what we need and want to practice. It’s not even that we need to. You don’t need to do anything. There’s nothing that you need to do in your life. Everything is a choice. I choose to know more about myself. I choose to know more about the human condition. I choose to make decisions based on what comes from the purest place of who I am at the highest level that I can. That’s my intention. That’s my passion. That’s why it is that I do what it is that I do. The more that I do this, the more I am that.
When you make a decision that you want your relationship to be awesome and you want the relationship with yourself to be incredible, then what occurs is you have to put your passion to it. You’ve got to put your energy to it. You have to want it more than anything. You don’t wait for the other person to be the person you want them to be. You’ll be the person you want to be regardless of the way they want to be. In this example, since it seems this is what this show is about is that instead of me feeling guilty or doing many of the things I would have done years ago, it was like, “He’s triggered. I got it. I appreciate that. I have compassion for that. I could see where he was coming from.” I’m not going to drop down on the floor into the rut with him at that moment.
I’m not going to make myself feel guilty and go into that whole place because what good would it do? Would it change what occurred? No. Would it lower my vibration and my attitude? Yes. Would it help me be a better person at that moment? No. If I was observing that and making choices about how I want it to be with it, that’s empowerment. That’s being conscious. That’s being in a conscious relationship with myself first, always. It’s about being conscious of what the other person needs at that moment. Many times when something comes up and you’re in a triggering situation with someone, you’re triggered. As the example went is you’re okay seemingly and they are triggered. You check in with yourself, see where you’re at and see how your body is responding. Is your body tense? Did you get irritated? Do you want to be snippy? Do you want to back down? Do you know where do you want to go and where do you go?
Once you’re clear about that, then you go to the other person and say, “What do you need to help this situation be resolved for you? What would it take for us to move on? You can say, “What would it take for you to let this go?” A lot of times that’ll trigger someone because it’s you’re over there tapping your foot. “What’s it going to take for you to let this go? Let’s get going.” When the other person is still in fumes, you don’t want to go there with them. The most important thing is you open your heart. You do compassion, which we talk about a lot. You say, “I get that was a trigger for you. What can we do so we can let this go, move on and make this the most awesome show of our life so far?” That’s being conscious. That’s conscious communication at the same time.
I have a question about something you said. It’s important to clarify. When you were talking about someone wanting to have an awesome connected relationship, that is the desire and therefore one goes back in and adapts his own behavior and his own thoughts based on the things we’re talking about. Is it best to say, “I want to have a great relationship with myself? I want to be all the things that we speak about here. I know the relationship will be awesome.” Does the genesis want to create a great external relationship and therefore make changes internally or think one has to make changes, or go in and make those changes?
I’m clear about what it is that you’re asking. I want to bring up because I got a red flag internally when you said adapt yourself. That is not what I recommend anyone does. You don’t adapt to a situation. What you do is observe how you be and choose how you choose to proceed, to frame or to take the next step in. When you use the word adapt, it sounds like you’re twerking yourself to make somebody else happy. I want that to be clear that is not what I’m suggesting. What I’m suggesting is you communicate in a kind loving way and that you stay impeccable to yourself. That’s the first part. The second part of your question, which is a powerful question, it sounds like what you’re asking is, am I choosing me or am I choosing to make the relationship work? Am I choosing to make my relationship work with me or my relationship with them? Where do you put your focus first? It is always about you. No relationship over there is ever going to work if the relationship over here, meaning within you, is not clear, clean and pristine.
Remember that energy never leaves its source. What that means is that what I put out is going to come back. It’s a boomerang world we live in. Therefore, if I am worried about and living out, I need to stop myself and clarify here, I’m not saying you become insulated, numb to or blind to what’s going on with the other person. I am saying that the more that you are in your center, the more you live in the peaceful eye of the hurricane, the more you are feeling good about yourself and you’re comfortable in your own skin. The more empowered you will feel, the higher your attitude will be, the higher your vibration will be. The different glasses that you wear, the lens in your glasses, are going to be incredibly different than they would be had you not come from a place of internal connection, empowerment, self-love, whatever word you want to use. When you’re here, what you put out and the way you be with people is critical.If we're not in pain, we can't have an authentic conscious relationship. Click To Tweet
Out of that, the relationship that is with, “Someone over there or out there,” this isn’t true. What it means is the relationship with your partner is going to change when you change. You’ve probably all heard the saying from Gandhi, “Be the change you would like to see in the world.” You be it first and then you will see it out there. If you’re over there trying to make something different when in here is not different, it will not sustain. Even if it appears to be temporary, it will not be a true shift. The example I love to give is when you are watching a movie up on the screen and you see that somebody does something that you don’t think is appropriate. You don’t want them to pick up that vase and throw it at someone.
You cannot want that with all of your energy. You can even run up and start to hit the screen that the movie is showing on. You can try to grab that vase. You can try to do something different. You will notice every single time you have zero power over that. There’s not a thing you can do about that person on the screen throwing the vase across the room. When you use that as an understanding of how it works within your own life with other people, you will be comforted to know that you only have one place to be and that’s inside of yourself. You can’t change what’s over there. You always can decide how you want to be with what is “over there.” Therefore, stop trying to change the screen and get to the place where it all originated. It all originated within you.
I have another important question. The motivation for making a change, the motivation for making a choice, which is the basis of our work that we have a choice to be happy, sad, mad or glad, and all of those things. Do we have to be in a negative place to get a fire under our butts to be uncomfortable that we want to make a change? Is it possible to make the change from a good place rather than a bad place? It’s often we’re in a good place. We’ve talked to people who said, “I’m happy.” That doesn’t necessarily mean they are. It means they’re not in a place of pain.
Let me clarify that even other steps worth. We were at this women’s show. Many people came up and we were talking about choosing happiness because we do a meetup called Choosing Happiness. We do a lot of programs on that. At any rate, we have on the signage there something about happiness. We would bring something up to people that were passing by about happiness. “Would you like to have a little more happiness in your life? Is there any area of your life that you would like to feel happier and better about?” It was stunning to see how many people said, “No, I’m fine. My life is happy. My life is good.” It wouldn’t take a psychic to know that was not true. It is a kneejerk reaction because many times we’re taught that we shouldn’t tell the truth.
I’m not suggesting you go out and tell your life story to somebody who’s at a women’s show. I am saying that to be honest within yourself is critical. Being in a place where you are conscious of what your inner truth is critical. When you recognize you’re saying you’re happy, but you aren’t, you don’t have to tell the other person. You may want to start thinking about what it would take for you to clear up what is in the way of your innate happiness. If you’re going to be in a conscious relationship, you are going to need to be in a state of innate happiness. That means you get to choose whether you want to be happy, sad, mad or glad. Many people do not do that. They are the effect of what is happening.
It’s like a frog that’s put in boiling water. As the water temperature heats up, if it’s slow, this frog won’t feel it until it’s too late and he dies. It’s about being conscious of what the pain level is because if we’re not in pain, we can’t have an authentic conscious relationship. That’s the piece I was trying to get to.
That’s great analogy because what happens is that we over time have many disappointments, many resentments, much anger and all of these things that are not resolved because we don’t feel safe to express ourselves. That builds up and create a lot of retained emotion in the physical body, literally in the cells of the body. Every cell of the body has an emotion attached to it. I remember the second part of your question and that was do we have to be in pain to make a difference or can we go there? First of all, in my experience, most people will need to be in pain and a lot of pain. They have to have some level of awareness that they are in pain. That like a cattle prod will move them to find someone to support them. They’ll read a book. They’ll meet a person. They’ll go to a counselor, a coach, retreat or something that will help them make some changes.
The second part of this is that necessary? Absolutely not. Most of the time, if you recognize that there’s some part of your life that is not as happy and connected as you would like it to be, that means the relationship with yourself is compromised in some way, shape or form. You start to make changes. You’ll find a way, whether it’s through meditation or through whatever it is that you do, that you find answers. What happens is, for me, it’s an addiction because now that’s the only thing that I think about. It’s the only thing I’m committed to be staying in a state of joy, staying in a state of conscious awareness, staying completely clear about who I am. What’s going on? What it is that I’m committed to? What it is that I’m saying, thinking, feeling, doing all of these different things? That’s where I am and I don’t need to get into pain for that. I use it as I’m staying ahead of that in case it might want to show up somewhere. I realized that if I am in complete and total focus on that then I never need to experience pain and I don’t. Does that mean I won’t have some physical pain or something like that? I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about emotional, mental, spiritual, suffering pain. I’ve been in that a lot in my life.
If something happens, let’s say an emotional trigger or something, are you saying you have a way of dealing with it or you’ll be in a place where it doesn’t bother you?
Most of the time, I’m in a place where it doesn’t bother me. If it does bother me and I noticed that there’s a little flare up internally, my stomach gets gurgly, my jaw gets tight or my heart starts beating fast and I know the signs of my own personal trigger. If that occurs, I immediately go to one of the many processes that we talk about in coaching, in retreats and things. One of them is you can start with something superficial. It’s not what I do at this point. For those of you that are not familiar with interrupting the program of pain and suffering or triggers, you can start with something mental. It will at least help your body become familiar with interrupting it. One of the things you can do is say, “Delete that program.” If you understand that your life is being run by programs, beliefs, concepts that you grew up with as a child, then what’s going to happen is you will understand that you will have these things showing up to help you see that they’re still running your life. You are able to shift them by saying, “Delete the program.” It’s a program. It’s what I call recycled ignorance.When awareness and being conscious of all the parts of your life is paramount for you, you will find that it will come easier and easier. Click To Tweet
When you’re recycling that over and over again, we think it’s real. Our minds start to think that’s the truth. What we have to do is interrupt the cycle. We start to break down the belief system and recognize it is not real. It’s something we took on and made real because we thought it over and over again. When we do that, we say, “Delete the program.” It starts to create a little bit of rumbling and the inner workings of the way your mind works. What I do personally at the highest level I can is that when I have those feelings, I move into my body and I feel the feelings. I will feel the tenseness in my stomach or the feeling of heat that will run through my body. It’s a flare-up that runs up through my body. When I do that without a story, without a label, without the mind going a little bit crazy over what’s going on.
Describing how it was harmed, it was beaten up emotionally or whatever they said something that hurt me, all of that stuff. You would eliminate all of that and you only focus on what’s in the body. The body might be the heat, tenseness, tightness or something going on in your neck or whatever. When you stay with that, it will dissolve away. At that moment, you will realize that you are powerful. You have the ability to eliminate things that are in the way of your conscious awareness of how you think, how you feel, and you’ll know what to do with it. When you are consciously connected to yourself, it is much easier to be consciously related and in touch with your partner, your tribe, your money or anything else.
I wanted to reiterate the power of what was said. The power of being able to deal with those feelings is huge. I had an experience. I woke up in the middle of the night. I had a disturbing dream. It kicked into some other real-life fears that I had. It was part dream, part what was going on. I woke up, I was beside myself. I jumped out of bed. I walked around for a minute. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt I was going to explode. I got back into bed. I breathe into the feeling. I went into my body to where it was. In this case, it happened to be in my stomach. I stayed with it for 30 seconds, maybe a minute. I was amazed at how the feeling passed. It became a non-thing because after that passed when I thought about that whole situation again, there was no trigger there, there was nothing. It was a no thing. It was what Esateys was saying about watching the movie on the screen. That is a powerful way of becoming conscious. I have a tendency of eating when I get anxious or things like that to make the pain go away. What I realized is what a powerful tool that is, not to stop eating unconsciously, but in every area of my life. That’s a new challenge and a new awareness that I’ve taken on to watch. That whole thing is my goal to shift and create a new way of being with things.
When you are willing to make this your focus and your priority, then you will find that you’ll become more aware. There has to be some part of you that wants to change, that wants to let go of the resentment, the anger, the betrayal, the fear. You don’t necessarily have to have that 100%. There has to be enough where you are willing to stretch out beyond your comfort zone because at first you may find it difficult to do that. When you recognize that and you come back to yourself with compassion and kindness, you pick it up and you do it again. You catch it the next time. You can do things that will help you remember because it isn’t necessarily easy to remember things that are going to interrupt your old pattern that’s been there for a whole bunch of years.
Therefore, when you make a decision that you want this, do you want to be conscious? Put a sign on the refrigerator or put a sign in the pantry. Make agreements with yourself that you are committed to not eating after dinner or not after a certain time, don’t buy foods that are not going to be supportive to you, measure how much stuff’s on your plate or whatever it is for you. It’s not about doing it mentally. It is about taking action. We have to take action if we want to be conscious. We have to do things that will help us be conscious. You want to pay attention to feeling your feet in your shoes. Wiggle your toes, for example. When you brush your teeth, feel the bristles on your gums and be aware of the water when it’s hot or it’s cold. Not unconsciously because we do that but aware.
When you become conscious and aware of everything that’s happening in your life with your sensory system, your mental, emotional and all the other parts of you will become much more astute. You will find it easier to follow through. Please be patient with you, be compassionate with yourself. We have the things we have going on. For some people 50, 60, 70 or more years. When that occurs, recognize that may not drop off overnight. I will tell you it can. It absolutely will. When many of you know, people that have addictions like alcoholism or whatever it may be, you’ve all heard the term, you have to hit bottom. You have to make a decision. You get support around you to do this because when awareness and being conscious of all the parts of your life is paramount for you, you will find it will come easier and easier. The more you do it, the more that will become your new pattern and your new way of being.
What happens is the relationship with your partner is going to expand and be more conscious. You will be able to be the person you truly are with that person. How does this relate to long-lasting relationships? Whenever you are truly you and you are conscious, one of two things occurs. It will be a sustaining and that person will have an opportunity to make those changes too. One of two things will happen there. One is that person will love the opportunity to be able to do the same thing for themselves, which will help you extend your relationship. The other is the person may not be in a place in their life where they are ready, willing or connected to the idea of making a difference. They may fall out of your life. Your contract with them is complete. That’s okay because when you’re committed to your own joy, your own happiness, your own consciousness, then what occurs is somebody else will come into your life that will support you in living out your conscious choices. They will be doing the same. You’ll be able to work through what it is you’re working through powerfully.
I’m speechless because these are basics that will help change your life totally and completely. Personally, I’ve been working on these for a long time. I’m not going to say it’s easy. I’m not going to say it’s not without its ups and downs. I will say it’s certainly a lot better to go around being happy, being in a place of love and joy than it is the opposite. We’re at the part of the show where we’re going to take questions for Esateys. We received a question relating to our last show about the un-conditionality of our dogs and how that affects us. If you have not read that, that was one of the most awesome shows, wouldn’t you say that we did?
It was fun to do. We were a little bit off the wall and had all things happen on a lot of different levels. The information was cool and it endeared me to my little four-legged friends more powerfully than ever. Remember, it’s not about dogs, it’s about any pet that you have.
It’s the microcosm of the macrocosm. The question we received is, “My wife has an Australian Shepherd Mini and is she hyper. I posted a video on Instagram of how to see how she greets me after not seeing me for a few days. What can I learn from my relationship with my dog?”Create the new you by replacing the old ways with the new way of thinking, the new way of being, and the new way of experiencing life. Click To Tweet
First of all, read that blog again if you have already read it. If not, read it. The second piece is that when you start to observe your pets, no matter whether it’s a horse, a dog, a cat or a fish. It doesn’t matter. What is important is that you see them from a place of them innately doing what it is that they do, how they react or how they respond doesn’t usually come from a lot of deep introspection. They don’t sit there and meditate on how they’re going to be next. They are real. They react where it is that they react from. Animals in general, most animals, are happy by nature. They are in the moment that they don’t see, feel or experience anything except what’s right now.
The other gifts they have are that they don’t usually retain a lot of memory for when things weren’t as awesome as they would’ve liked. I’m not saying they don’t have any memory because obviously, they can and some animals will, for example, not like men or not like women or whatever. Perhaps when they were young, they were beaten by that particular sex and now they’re afraid of them. I’m speaking in generalities right now. In general, animals are loving. They’re kind especially the domesticated animals. They want to show you how much you are loved. If you could see yourself as your pet sees you, you would never question the amazement of who you are. Truly you would not. They have the ability to see you through the eyes of love and every moment of every day. When you commune with them from that state of love, they will do that beyond anything that you could ever imagine.
When do you see how your dog loves you at the park, what if you emulated that puppy? What if you started emulating the power of the un-conditionality and the love your pet show you? What if you made a decision that you are going to see everything as playful and everything as another opportunity to learn something new and to enjoy the moment? It’s quite phenomenal when you look at animals and the way they truly are in their heart of hearts. Be patient with yourself as you get this and observe these little ones from a place that allows you to see how you could be because they are modeling to you opportunities to become all you’re capable of being.
Thanks for that, Esateys. We’re going to talk about our question for the week. What if I stay conscious of how I felt, spoke and acted and chose kindness first?
What I would do is and the word that I interjected there automatically was the word still. What if I stayed conscious of how I felt, spoke and acted and still chose kindness first? We may see something going on and we may not feel like responding or reacting from kindness. We will observe it. We still say to ourselves, “No, I’m choosing differently. I’m choosing kindness or I’m choosing compassion,” whatever the case may be. When you say that to yourself repeatedly, what will occur is that will then be something that will be pulled up from your memory bank and that will come to your mind first when certain things occur.
I want to invite our audience. We do a question every week. If you write down these questions in a notebook or whatever and then you read them every day, can you imagine how differently your mind would start to process things differently? You could also take the questions we ask and utilize them twice or three times a day for the entire week until the next show. When you integrate these over and over again, they start to make a big difference in the way you do think, feel, react, and respond or whatever it is that you’re doing. That’s how we are creating the new you. We’re creating it by replacing the old programs and the old ways of thinking with the new way of thinking, the new way of being, the new way of experiencing life.
I’ve been doing these questions for the longest period of time. We did use these questions as what we call our Google search. That is, we put the question out there like you put a question into Google. It goes out and searches wherever it searches. The question ultimately comes back to you. For those of you who don’t know or haven’t experienced, every one of those questions is listed on our website. The podcast is at Esateys.com/Podcast. We would suggest you take advantage of it and tell your friends about this podcast. We’ve been getting some awesome feedback about how powerful this has been for some people. It’s what we love to do and what we love to share with people.
If there’s a particular episode that you love like this one or some other, how about taking it and posting it on your Facebook page and/or send it to a friend or do something with it so other people can have the experience of a shift inside of themselves. When you have conscious relationships with your friends, for example, and they have conscious relationships with their friends, and they with their friends, do you realize what world we’d be living in? Do you realize that you absolutely have the ability to change the world? What happens if many of us are doing this simultaneously? It’s awesome, the power you have to be someone and to express something that is phenomenally, impressively and incredibly loving, kind and elevating to everyone.
We thank you for being with us. We enjoyed this. This was an interesting show certainly for me. It started off with a little bit of a trigger. Now I am feeling awesome, connected and so much in love with this wonderful wife of mine.
I acknowledge you for passing through that quickly. It’s a good example.
Esateys, tell them about Constantly Changing University.
There’s a course that I taught. It was a year-long course. The name of the course was CCU, Constantly Changing University. That’s because the only thing you can absolutely count on in this world is change. Every moment of every day we get an opportunity to change and be who it is that we truly want to be and love to be. That’s why I love CCU. We always allow it to be. One of the things that I wanted to say about what you said about writing an outline, we don’t write an outline for these. I never see anything except the title of what it is. I ask Rafael, “What’s the name of this talk?” and we talk. Thank goodness for his structured mind because he writes down the name of the title. He finds the questions from the people. We create this in an organized way so we can get it to the awesome company that does this for us. Podetize, they are awesome in the way they package it and put it up for us. It’s posted everywhere and made available. Thank you, Podetize. We appreciate you. I appreciate you Rafael for doing what it is that you do. I am grateful that this information is inside of me coming through me innately available so everybody can have a life they love to live.
As the last FYI, I do make an outline. I don’t show it to you. I let you come through. If I feel we need some other points and I’ll steer it that way. You are most powerful when you go into your download mode.
At any rate, we love you all. Thank you so much. We look forward to being with you next time. Until then, feel a hug.
We have another interesting topic and the name of it is Why We Do What We Do. It’s always about the payoff. We love you.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.