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Do You Really Want To Be In A Relationship?
Getting Honest (With Yourself)
I went to this network meeting that was for women only, but there was a guy there. Apparently, it’s not just women only. I met some awesome people. One of the things that this guy gave out was a sample of CBD oil, which is hemp oil, a part of the marijuana plant but it doesn’t make you high or any of that stuff. I don’t know a whole lot about it except I know that it’s going like wildfire everywhere seemingly in the world. Even some of my nutritional supplement companies that you have to have a license for is utilizing that and has new products available with that. It’s a good anti-inflammatory and helps with fatigue and depression and all these other things. I personally can’t take hemp oil so I’ve never used it. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to take that sample, but the sample was three ounces.
I get home and I think, “What am I going to do with this?” As I’m thinking that, I see our little Labradoodle. We’ve had a Labradoodle for many years. He’s about fourteen pounds and he has a lot of arthritis and he’s hurting and it’s sad. He’s on anti-inflammatories and all these things, but it doesn’t seem to take away his pain. I had been carrying him up and down steps and doing all the things that I can to make it easier. When I saw this CBD oil and I saw TaShon I thought, “I’m going to give him a little dose of this.” I had spoken to the guy that I was thinking that I might do that with him, but could he tell me if that was okay and it was okay.
The bottom line here is I gave him his first little dose and he stopped limping and it was pretty impressive to me. In the morning he was back to limping again, but he wasn’t crying or anything. As I was going out to the kitchen to feed our four little children, four-legged children, furbabies some people call them. TaShon is fifteen and then there’s K-Keela who is twelve and she also has bad arthritis and she has a heart issue and all these things going on. I decided to give it to her to see if it helped her arthritis. The bottom line here is in windows it appears to have been doing a pretty good job, but what do you guys know about this? Have you ever used it? Can you give me some comments or some feedback? Apparently, this is about my counseling now because I’d like your feedback about what your experience is and if you think it has any value so I can keep on giving it to my children. That’s a big thing on my list. How about you?
It is for me as well because our pets are our children. TaShon, I’ve been with that puppy since he was six weeks old. I am attached to him and anything that we can do to make his life better. You can count us in. We talk about all the relationships that we have and our relationships with our pets are very significant. They give so much to us.
The relationship with our pets is critical. It is medically proven that pets lower your blood pressure. They create longevity in your own life as well as your pets. They are nurturing and loving, and they do something special to our heart. They also do all other energetic things. Relationships are everywhere. I want to remind you that the relationship with a significant other is one thing, which is what we’re going to speak about in this episode. It’s a whole other part of our life when we recognize that we have a relationship with our pets. We have a relationship with our money, with our body, with our bosses, our children and the environment. Everything is relationships. That’s a little reminder. You start putting relationship as a very high focus in your life and start to evaluate how you are with all the different relationships that you have. Pretty soon, you’re going to start to recognize where some of them are strong, awesome, comfortable, and safe and others, not so much. When you recognize the ones that aren’t safe, then that’s where you want to start to do your work.You can make your relationship more awesome if you're clear about what your expectations are. Click To Tweet
The general information that we always give is going to work with any relationship regardless of what that’s about. When it becomes specific, then there are more specific things that we can help you with. You’re going to spend the rest of your day writing to us because we’d like feedback about that. What relationship do you feel the most insecure or the most uncomfortable or most conflicted in? When you give us that feedback, then we can address those things personally because we’re here for you. Do we want to get into this episode’s topic? What is this episode’s topic? I know it’s about relationships.
It has to do with relationships. Ask us questions, not just comments and we’ll address them on our future episode as well. We’re going to be speaking about why do you want to be in a relationship in the first place? We do a relationship meet up here in Portland and Vancouver, Washington called Relationships 911. We had someone who was asking questions that led to this whole discussion about why you want to be in a relationship. We thought it was really important to address it because if we’re looking for something in a relationship that is outside of us, it’s going to present some issues.
What’s In It For You
99.999% of people are looking for a relationship to fulfill something within themselves and they look outside. When you’re thinking about the relationship, even if you’re in a relationship, look at what’s in it for you. What are you looking for? What do you feel is missing in your life that you need a partner for? I’m big on relationships. I’m a relationship person. I pretty much have always been in a relationship with a significant other and I have been alone as well for periods of time. I always found that I wanted to enjoy being in a relationship first. When I’m working with someone and this person who was at the Meetup, I’ve had some interactions with her before and the truth is that it’s important for you to know why you want to be in a relationship.
For those of you that are already in a relationship, listen to the things that we’re saying because they’re all completely, totally, exactly applicable to you. Even if you’re in your relationship, you can say, “Why do I want to be in this relationship?” It’s okay to question things in life because when you do, what occurs is that you start to see how you can kick it up a notch. You can make your relationship more awesome if you’re clear about what your expectations are and what you think you “need” from the relationship. The need is going to be the first telltale sign that your relationship is probably going to end up in trouble somewhere along the line. Occasionally I sit here, close my eyes and all these things come to me. I want to give a second portion to this.
What Do You Think It’s Going To Give You
The last word that I want to underline is need. When you are in a relationship or you’re looking for a relationship, you ask yourself the question, “Why do I want to be in a relationship?” You look inside yourself. Start writing down. This is a great exercise. Get a pen and paper. You could even do it now if you wanted. You write down what is it that you think a relationship is going to give you? What do you feel you need? What’s missing in your life? None of them are right or wrong or good or bad. It’s important to realize that you don’t have to feel guilty because you want a relationship. The truth is that most everyone wants a relationship of some sort. When you write down what it is that you feel that you need, what you’re going to find out is that many times or most of the time, you’re looking for someone to make you feel more whole. You’re looking for someone that’s going to support you financially. You’re looking for someone who is going to give you a sense of feeling good about yourself. You might be looking for someone to share your economics with because it’s too hard to do on your own. It doesn’t matter what it is. Write it down.
The most important thing is not what they are or not to judge those things that you’re becoming aware of, but to know that they’re there and that will help you be more fluid and more open to new ideas.
When you write this down, what you can then go back and look at and say is, “I want to feel companionship.” People frequently say, “I want somebody to be with. I want somebody to go to the movie. I want somebody to eat with,” all of that stuff. That’s an honest human need. We are tribal by nature. That means that we naturally and innately want to be in a place where we are sharing ourselves and our lives with other people. There’s no right or wrong to this. This is not good or bad. It’s merely a matter of awareness. Every episode, we always talk about how we are doing what it is that we’re doing because we know that there is something for us to become more aware of. We’re getting to know ourselvesWe are tribal by nature. We innately want to be in a place where we are sharing ourselves and our lives with other people. Click To Tweet
These episodes we do are self-development exercises. They are an awareness-gleaning experience. It’s to become aware and awake so you know what you’re doing, feeling, thinking, saying. You recognize that you have the ability to shift that in any way that will make your life more awesome than you could ever dream or imagine. As long as you think that you’re a victim of your thoughts, a victim of your relationship and a victim of everything else, what occurs is that you feel a victim. A victim usually doesn’t feel good. A victim feels the world is happening without their permission. They feel that things are not going the way they want. They feel that other people control them. All of these things lead to a sense of unhappiness.
We’re all about being happy. We’re all about having fun. We’re about having a deep understanding and clarity about who we are and what we want, but we’re also about helping you recognize that you have the power. You have the awareness. As you look at your list, what would be powerful for you to do is notice what’s there. Are the things that you have listed there because you are trying to have a need fulfilled? To feel companionship? To feel like you’re with somebody? What about feeling safe? A lot of people do not feel safe in the world now. They want to feel safe. They want a relationship so they can feel safe.
Accept Who You Are
This one can be tricky because to feel safe in a relationship can have one of two demeanors or one or two different ways of looking at it. One is I’ve got somebody who lives in my house. If a burglar comes, I’m pretty okay or not. The other safety is feeling it’s okay for you to be whom it is that you truly are. You can communicate openly, clearly, directly, and bluntly about what’s on your mind. If you want to be safe in a relationship, then you would like to be with somebody who accepts you for whom it is that you are. That person cannot do that for you if you do not feel accepting and loving of yourself. Your partner or whomever it is that you are with will mirror back to you the parts of you that you don’t think are awesome.
We have spoken about mirroring in other episodes. I’ll give you a brief reminder. Relationships are primarily for personal growth and mirroring is one of the ways that we get to grow greatly. We can’t see inside ourselves the way that we would ideally like to, or we can’t see our face unless we look in a mirror. We don’t even have a clue what we look like. A person in our lives will mirror back to us, like a mirror on the wall, what we have going on. Take a breath because I know that you see some pretty unfun things in other people that you think, “There is no way I’m like that.” There are a lot of things that we don’t realize that we do that we do. Depending upon your philosophy, it could be something that’s in your DNA that has shown up that you’ve been carrying along with you for some period of time.
That means that if you’re with somebody and you’re expecting them to give you something awesome and take away something from within yourself because you don’t think they are that way. That’s an illusion. That’s going to bum you out because after the first little yippy fear period is over, have you ever noticed how people seem to be yucky? They don’t seem friendly anymore and they’re not as loving and kind and all that stuff. When you understand the mirroring process and then you will start to see how the relationship is powerful. Rafael and I have been through this a little bit since we’ve been together a long time. Tell them about what happened.
I come into the bathroom, we have two sinks. Esateys left the dog bowl in my sink as she was getting ready to get her day going. To me, it was like, “She’s giving me something to do that she could easily once she had it in her hand have done.” I said to her, “Why do you keep leaving that in my sink?”
He didn’t say it as friendly as he could have.
I did. Honestly, it was a little bit of a trigger because I figured if you have it in your hand already, why do that? I said that and we talked a little about it and that was it. A few minutes later, Esateys came back. I was in the shower when this happened. Tell them what you said because it’s so true.Being in relationship is a two-way street. Click To Tweet
When he came back at me with that, he’s taking a shower. I’m washing my face. All of a sudden, I started smiling and laughing to myself because what I saw clearly was that he got triggered because he saw me leave something there for him to do. I said, “You know what is hysterical about this is when you leave the dishes in the sink,” he eats breakfast or lunch and the dishwasher’s empty. He’ll take his plate and he puts them in the sink. He expects me to go clean them up and put them in the dishwasher. That comes up for me with a little bit of feeling like, “Do you think I’m your maid? What is the deal here?” I’ve said something to him many times and he just looks at me. The point is that I said, “Look at this. This is the most perfect example. You’re triggered because I put the dog bowl in your sink and I feel the same way when you leave your dirty dishes in the sink because you expect me to automatically do them when it would take you not even two nanoseconds because the dishwasher is directly next to the sink. Open the door. Put the dish in.”
The bottom line here is that this is a perfect example of mirroring. I will tell you that it takes some decision, skill set, confidence, willingness and humbleness to be able to start seeing all the little games that we play inside of ourselves and with each other. Look at your life and think for yourself about where you might do things. Make it a passion. Become a detective, a hound dog looking for things in your life. When you see them in somebody else, you search inside yourself and see where that or something like that is happening.
It’s the awareness thing. Once we’re aware of it, we’re aware of something like this thing, my trigger, her trigger. We can automatically shift or change if we choose to. For me, what happened is this is not the first time Esateys has mentioned the thing about the dishes. I’m not 100% perfect because I always rationalize I’m in a rush. What I have done is anytime I come in and I see the dishwasher full, I undo it. I’ve started doing things in recognition of that awareness that this is my stuff as much as it is hers. That’s good because I’m giving in the relationship and I’m not expecting someone to be doing something for me. What I’ve found is that giving in the relationship, those small little tiny things are really important to build safety, trust, and making the other person feel loved. Without the awareness, I don’t think I would have gotten to that.
I do acknowledge you times a gazillion because he’s made this radical shift that has been significant. I notice all the things that you do that you didn’t use to do and the things that you do, you don’t do them with an attitude or anything. It’s like you are contributing to the relationship. Whoever needs some support at that moment, you do it. You don’t get over there and say, “That’s his job or that’s her job or whatever.” You do what it is that you do. How is this related to why do you want to be in a relationship? It’s important to recognize that being in a relationship is a two-way street. Being in a relationship means you’re going to have to kick it up, not one notch but 100 notches within yourself. You’re going to have an opportunity to see where you play the game with yourself of all the little hidden agendas that you have of the way you think your life ought to be.
You expect other people to be that way and your own personal insecurities or triggers are going to show up in a relationship. If you’re clear that you would like to be in a relationship because it’s going to give you an opportunity to see more of yourself, to help you grow and become more aware, and become more loving, more caring, and more giving of yourself. Rafael, you said something that was important. You said that you feel better. You’re contributing. You’re doing things that help you feel better. He’s giving to the relationship, but the bottom line is he’s giving to the relationship because ultimately it makes him feel better. The other thing that it does is it helps open up the energy between us because the more he gives then it’s like, “The more I want to give.” It makes it like you want to start working that way with each other and that is one of the tremendous values and the tremendous growth opportunities in a relationship.
To be clear, this is a small little thing. Neither of us is particularly charged except when we do get charged. The point is it’s those little things that build up and create big things, create big walls. That’s one aspect. Maybe it’s selfish but I feel the more I give, the more I get and then I feel good. Why not?
It is very true because it is the way the Universal Law works that the more energy you put on something, the more it grows. The more energy you put on contributing and giving, the more you are going to have that be returned. I’d like to go back to the first point which was powerful. These are little things. Little things build up to bigger things but let me tell you that of all the people that I coach and the people that I interact with at retreats, they tell me that this has been going on for a long time. That means that because we have not been willing to tell the truth at the beginning or we didn’t even know what the truth was at the beginning. All of these littles make it big. It is like putting another brick to build a wall. Something like this happens. The dog pan goes into the sink and another brick goes up. If you don’t have the awareness of what you personally are creating, then what happens is you start blaming the other person on a continuous basis.
By the end of who knows whatever time period it is, you go, “Why am I even with this person? He doesn’t put the toothpaste lid on. He doesn’t put his dishes in the dishwasher. His clothes are laying all around,” whatever it may be for you. “He whines about this. He yells at me about that.” The same thing in regard to the she part, “She does this or does that,” but the bottom line is we say these things internally under our voice. When we don’t speak with clean, authentic communication, we are speaking about on some part of ourselves. We think we then have communicated it, which has only been to our self, not to the other person. Yet, that communication is a negative communication and it puts another brick in the wall until you get to a place where there’s a couple that I had been coaching and their relationship is so toxic.It's those little things that build up and create big things and big walls. Click To Tweet
There’s virtually seemingly no way that they’re going to be able to get to a place of feeling the love with each other. They’ve gone 20, 30 years not speaking the truth and not being authentic with themselves and with each other. It’s because of that they believe what they believe is true about the other person and then it gets dangerous to be able to try to recover a relationship. Rafael, when you were single, and you were looking to be in a relationship. This is before you knew relationships that were for self-growth and all the fun things that we’ve learned. What is it that you were looking for?
First, I want to say before you and before learning and being involved with and getting this at a deep level, I had no idea what relationships were about other than having sex and getting what I needed and what I thought I wanted. I didn’t know what I didn’t know on big time and that’s the biggest piece in why we always talk awareness. When we don’t know what we don’t know and don’t know it, we’re lost. The truth is, unfortunately, many people are like that until they’re not. To answer your question, I wanted to be loved. In all of the work that I’ve done, I see the parts of my core that have been damaged or hurt or the self-esteem level is so low. That’s what I was looking for.
I would say that 99.9% of people, that’s one of their ingredients. If you did your list or if you’re going to do it once you read this blog, then I encourage you to write that down. A desire to be loved is core in every single one of us. We all want to feel loved and lovable. It’s a core issue of human nature. Unless you can acknowledge that, you will be searching on how to get loved. The spoiler alert is that the relationship can help you feel great. Unless you are also willing to accept that the relationship can also make you feel otherwise until it doesn’t, then you are going to be disappointed in a relationship. If you think you’re enrolling someone so they can make your day happy every day and you expect that they’re never going to have a rough moment, or you expect that they’re never going to project on you. You expect that they’re never going to be irritated at you and on and on, then you are walking into a minefield because it doesn’t happen that way.
We’re realists. Not to take all the fun and romanticism out of the relationship because it’s there. The truth is the more you know about the things we’re speaking about and the more self-awareness you have, the more awesome and the more fun your relationship can be. That’s a very important thing. It’s about the love of self. Your number one relationship is always with self. I will probably say this in every episode more than once. Once you get that your real relationship and the real desires that you have are within yourself and can be found within yourself and need to be found within yourself first, you’re so full that you augment your life by drawing somebody to you that you can share through overflow rather than through need.
I received this email and it said “Esateys, how has your perception about relationships changed over the years?”
My perception has changed by many of the things that we’ve spoken about in this episode. When I was looking for a relationship back when I was twenty or in my teens and thinking about that, I was looking for somebody that I could go out and play with, do stuff with. I was looking for somebody to have sex with. I was looking for somebody that liked to do the same things that I liked to do so we could share. I was looking for someone who made me feel important, pretty, whatever the case may be. I was looking for someone who was educated, intelligent, and that would support me in expanding my own personal goals and intelligence. I was looking for somebody that either had the money or was educated enough and had a goal to have money and things of that nature. I had not one clue that what I wanted was a relationship to help me grow and see myself so I could find joy at my own core level. Therefore, I went looking for love in all the wrong places. I was trying to find somebody who looked a certain way, acted a certain way, would be a certain way and repeatedly I found myself not finding that person.
I became depressed because I thought there was nobody in the world who’s ever going to “get me” or whatever it is I thought I needed. As I started going on a much deeper spiritual journey and started looking more profoundly at humans and the human condition. I learned about myself. I learned how people think and how they are and how they respond and how they react and what they want versus what think they want. I’ve spent many years literally searching for the answers of who am I and what am I doing here? With that, I’ve learned that relationships are a personal growth adventure. They are the ability to find, see, and pursue the greatness in other people. When I see that and I’m reflecting that back to myself, then I have the ability to see that in myself at a higher level than ever. That’s where the true joy, the true companionship, the true life that you love to live is augmented and shared with someone else.
If someone’s reading this blog and has no real background or awareness of much of the things that were said. They can relate to why you wanted to be in a relationship with things that I’ve said. What one thing would you tell them? How would you tell them to start? How would you tell them to start to look at and to perceive and to see relationships through a different, more unique filter that was more in line with them?The more you know yourself, the more powerful you will be able to be in relationship. Click To Tweet
I would tell them to start with their own self-awareness. We have a program called AQDQ, which means Awareness Quotient and Desire Quotient. What it helps you do is learn how to be more aware, more present. The more aware and the more present you are about what you think, what you feel, what you say, what you do, how you react versus how you respond. The more you know yourself, the more powerful you will be able to be in a relationship. I would start with me. I would start with awareness. I’d be aware of what it felt when I brushed my teeth in the morning. I’d be aware of my toes inside my shoes. I would be aware of my feet hitting the ground. I would be aware of when I feel there’s a little feather tickling me, which is probably a hair.
I would be aware of what other people are thinking, feeling, saying doing, and I would observe them without judgment just as I would observe myself without judgment. Without putting yourself as this is good and this is bad, you can neutrally learn about yourself and others rapidly. I spent a lot of years doing this and I still do this. Increasing your awareness within yourself is the number one most profound first step that you can take to have an opening occur, to better understand the rest of the things that we’ve been speaking about. Do you want to tell them what our question for the week is?
We’re getting to the last part of our blog, which is living in the world of possibility. The question for this episode is, “What if I didn’t need a relationship?”
What that means is that when you’re in a relationship without the “need,” then you’re in a relationship that’s going to be awesome. If you’re insistent upon using the word need, then what you can say is, “I’m grateful I am in a relationship so that I can personally grow. When you get that piece, then you’re going to enjoy relationship a lot more. You won’t be blaming and you won’t be victimizing and things of that nature. I encourage you to say, “I don’t need a relationship.” You could also say, “I don’t need a relationship. I choose a relationship,” and you can feel how that empowers you when you say that because needy always is a lower vibration. It’s a less powerful, assertive word. When you come from the other direction, it’s very strong and it will change everything for you.
Basically, this question is to elicit the awareness that will start the process of understanding yourself. That’s it for this episode. We had fun. I had a lot of fun doing this.
I was a little chatty, but I feel passionate about this. It’s exciting and important to me that I speak about what it is that I know. Maybe one person, two people, 2,000, 200 million people will have a different relationship in life if they start utilizing these principles that we’ve spoken about. That’s my contribution to the world. That’s my desire.
As we leave you, I wanted to recommend that for those of you who are in a relationship and to get your partner, your spouse, your family, anyone with whom you’re in a relationship and want to improve that. To get them to read this blog would be a really helpful thing. That’s our show for now. Thanks for being with us. Please leave us comments. Please tell us what you’d like to hear and things that interested you struck home. Let’s start a conversation so we can be here for you.
That is a true statement. Get your little computer thing going or your whatever and start giving us. There are lots of things that we would love to have you give us some information about, some feedback because we care about you. Have the most awesome week of your life so far.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.