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How To Be Yourself In Your Relationship
We’re going to be speaking about how to be yourself in a relationship, the power of authenticity. We’ve had many inquiries about this topic that we decided we were going to do a show on this because it is important. Before we get started, I wanted to talk about the retreat we completed. We’ve been doing a yearlong private retreat called the Eye of the Hurricane. We finished up with six people. These are people who have been working with us for a long time. We had the most incredible breakthroughs that I’ve ever experienced. The reason I’m speaking about this is that we’re going to be talking about how to be yourself in a relationship. We’re going to be talking about some of the beliefs that cause us to act and be the way we are in relationships. The six of us were committed to being open, vulnerable and we got to the bottom of core beliefs that affect us, keep us back or prevent us from achieving what we would like in our life.
What I got was that one of these beliefs comes from our parents, from a teacher or any of those things we’ve talked about. If it becomes a core belief, then it can affect many areas of your life. That was the biggest takeaway I had and that is that any of these things like, “I’m not good enough. I can’t do well-enough.” Things like that will affect our relationships. It will affect our business. It will reflect in every area of our life. When I started putting the dots together, I was blown away. Whatever we speak about and what we generally do on this show is all about those hidden beliefs and programs that keep running in the background. We keep talking about them. The way we deal with them is first to become aware. I got clear about the magnitude of the problem. What do you think about that? What was your experience?
It was truly phenomenal because the depth of where it is that each person allowed themselves to go to was beyond anything I have seen from these people. Rafael, you said it was a yearlong retreat. It’s a yearlong program. Maybe it felt like a yearlong retreat. The bottom line is that this was the second of three retreats that we do. It was interesting to see through consistent work and consistent commitment and consistent follow-through. The depth that emerged from these people that are 1,000% in on their own self-development and creating the life they love to live. We had a lot of fun and we also had magical and total transformations for many people. I’m glad you brought that up because there are a lot of things I know you personally were looking at, opened up to and transformed.
To be quite honest and transparent, I didn’t realize it but unconsciously I was resistant because I knew I was going to have some breakthroughs or some changes. The reason I’m bringing this part up is to encourage everybody who’s reading. If you have any resistance to anything we say, stick with it. See if it applies to you or it resonates with you. It doesn’t have to but stick with it and then let things happen. The expression, “Trust will solve everything.” I was in a lot of trusts and it was exciting.
The other thing about that is trust means you don’t necessarily like or believe what’s going on, but you go through it anyway. In other words, never let fear stop you. You weren’t the only person there who had that resistance come up. When you go deep, that ego, that personality does not think that’s all that much fun. The old programs and beliefs we have ourselves tethered by and we live by unconsciously, they’re deeply ingrained in us. In that position we are in, we don’t even know what we don’t know. We don’t know why we have resistance, anger or frustration about certain things, especially when we are uncovering or opening them up for exposure. The exposure, the awareness and the acknowledgment of the parts of us we try to hide are one of the most trained things ever. That’s true of everything we are saying in every one of these shows. What is it you’d like to know, Rafael, about what it is we’re speaking about? What would you like me to address?Question of the Week: What would it take for me to have an intimate and close relationship? Click To Tweet
What I want to explore is how we can be ourselves in a relationship without fear of rejection, without fear of retaliation, of being subject to passive aggressiveness of our partner. How we have to feel worthy of being in this relationship? What we have to say, do and think is totally merited? We are equals with our partner, never giving up our power to our partner. Being authentic in the relationship is being yourself without any excuses and without any exceptions. That’s the most important piece here.
In other words, you want me to solve the world problems on a personal level.
Terry Cole-Whittaker has often said, “What you think of me is none of my business.” We’ve talked about that on a prior show and how we like that, we resonate with that quote. That’s part of what I had in mind.
The real key to authenticity is knowing yourself. If you don’t know who you are, what you want, where you’re going, how you be, how you react, how you respond and what’s inside of you, you are never going to be able to be authentic. You can only be authentic when you know what your true state of mind is, what your true state of beingness is. From there, you can emerge out into the world with that as your suit of clothes. That is challenging because what happens is the fear is going to come up. How to do that without fear? I would venture to say 100% you’re not going to do that without fear emerging. The reason is the moment you start being real, authentic and you start looking at life from a place of what it is that’s the core for you, meaning what it is that you desire, what happens is the ego or the personality, I’m using them interchangeably becomes threatened. It becomes so threatened it feels like survival. From one perspective it definitely is survival.
When you open up, look, discuss openly and you are transparent about the things you feel fearful, resistant, hesitant to, ashamed of or any of those guilty, any of those words, what happens is the light, the ability to see that will then shift you away from the fear. You’ve probably heard of the shadow self, the dark side or some people even call that the devil or evil. Let me assure you that what it is that all of those indications or all those words mean is there are parts of us that we don’t think are okay. We got this belief system from the fact that we live on a planet in a society that everything is a dichotomy. There’s up, down, black, white, yes, no. Everything has a binary way of being, including all of your computer programs and everything else we have in technology is based on binary, two of. Here we have a personality that is kind, loving and awesome. We have the other side of that, which is everything or the antithesis of that positive, loving and yippee person.
That means we have resentments. We have anger. We have betrayals. We have guilt. We have shame. We have nastiness. We have what we might label as horrifying parts of ourselves. That’s okay because that is part of the human experience. The key is where you put your focus is where you’re going to create the most energy. There’s a young man who goes to his teacher or his guru and he says, “I have this dilemma. I have these two wolves inside of me and I’ve got one that is kind, loving, supportive, humanitarian-like and all of that. I have this other one. It’s mean, nasty, judgmental and it causes me a lot of self-talk that is unkind, it’s not nice to other people and all of these things. I don’t know what to do with this. Who’s going to win? Who’s going to take charge of my life?” The great wise one said, “Whichever one you feed.” What that means is when you allow yourself to recognize that you are all things, I am that. That means I am happy, sad, glad, mean, judgmental, loved, lovable. I’m in lack. You are all things in life.
The key is the essence of you is going to be in life. Meaning you are going to be putting out where you put your most attention. Where you put the most energy and the most attention is what it is that will come back to you. In other words, you probably remember me saying that, “Energy never leaves its source.” That means whatever you put out, whether you like it or not, is going to come back. Energy is like a boomerang. You can send it out and it appears that it goes somewhere else, but it always comes back to you. It will always do. Therefore, where you are putting out what it is that you like to receive is going to make your life awesome. If you’re putting out stuff that is hurtful, damaging, unkind and all of those other things, that’s what you’ll receive back. That’s the beginning piece of what it is I would share about that.
I love when you tell that story. You’ve told it once before. Every time I’ve heard it in other situations, it will be the biggest takeaway if you can remember that. We have choices. How we are in life, how we are in a relationship, all is a choice. You have a choice. I have a choice. We all have a choice as to where we put the energy and what we focus on, the good or the bad, to be optimistic or to be pessimistic. The same goes in discussing this topic because we’re talking about authenticity. As we break down the barriers between our partner and us, by breaking our own barriers down, by being authentic, by being real, by saying and doing what’s up for us rather than hiding, that will open up the other person to do the same. The relationship will grow and will become much closer. Neither partner ultimately, if you keep it up, will have to feel they have to be on the defensive because no matter what, we’re all these different things. It’s okay.
That sounds easy, but it’s not quite easy when you have a history perhaps from your childhood, for example, that comes up. We have a repercussionist internally that says, “If you say this, you’re going to get that.” It remembers things. You said something to your parents and you got slapped across the face, the butt or whatever. That left a deep imprint on how it is you feel about speaking your truth or saying what it is that you want. We, therefore, are trained from a young age that it’s not safe to feel what we feel, to do what we want to do or to have what it is we truly would like to have. Therefore, we start out primarily in a suppressed and guarded state. It’s because we have been made wrong from early in childhood for the things we didn’t do right or good enough, we take that throughout our entire lives and it affects everything we do.
If you had a parent that said, “How come you have a B on your report card instead of straight As?” then you will have imprinted inside yourself that, “I’m not enough. I’m not good enough. I never do it good enough. No matter how hard I try, I’m never going to get it.” That will create a perpetual state of disappointment, self-loathing, shame, guilt and everything else along the line for us even at adulthood. It’s important to see and recognize that. It’s also important to recognize you have the ability to recognize what it is that’s going on in your head. You can make some changes about that, but you must first have the awareness, which I know you all hear me speak about a lot. Being authentic means that first, you do a lot of introspection internally. You start looking at when you have a feeling, what’s that feeling about? Where did that come from? What is it trying to tell you? What you’ll learn usually is, “I can’t let that part of me be known because if I do, I will find out I’m not okay. I’m going to be judged again and I won’t feel good about myself.” That creates a shutting down and feeling small.Trust means that you don't necessarily like or believe what's going on, but you go through it anyway. Click To Tweet
When we feel small, interestingly the majority of people I work with that feels small will frequently use some defense mechanism to cover up their feeling of smallness. One is they might eat more than they need or want to have ideally. That means they are trying to build up a wall of protection because there’s a deep core fear that you’re not okay the way you are. You’re not loved, lovable and no matter what you do, it’s not going to be right anyway. Why bother? Another thing is you have the sensitivity to feeling like you ought to be a certain way. When you’re not, then your own self-judgment steps in and will take you out of the good humor running quickly. We set this up in ways that allow us to see what it is we’re doing to ourselves based on how it is that we’re feeling.
We’ve often talked that we need to stay in the present because the past is not real, it’s gone and it’s finished. The future is not real because it’s something we’re conjuring up in our minds and we want to stay in the present. That’s easier said than done. One of the things I picked up from the retreat and it goes right to the awareness, if we can train ourselves any time we have a thought to see if that thought originated in our past, it should immediately work. It would be wise to immediately delete it because it has no power over us. If we were any of those things in the past, we did something wrong, if we failed out of school, if we did any of those things, but it doesn’t affect, it doesn’t mean or have any meaning for what we’re going to do in the present. What I get from that is if we can create awareness that the thought, the feeling is important, it came from something in the past, we know it’s that dark side.
You said something that I want to put a little asterisk by and shine a little bit of light on, you use the word bad, the bad part of you or something that said bad. I know there is no bad. There is only the opposing energy and when the opposing energy, which is to keep the world balanced with the dichotomy that we live in is there, the human mind wants to judge it and call it less than because it doesn’t feel it can control it well. I want first to support you all and know you do not have to have your entire act together to think that you’re okay. Having your entire act together merely means you are truly honest, authentic with yourself and with others. Does it mean some people will not be in your life anymore? It does.
Sometimes that occurs because if people are looking for something that is going to support them in their littleness, in their judgments or whatever, you may find yourself not feeling comfortable with them. You may find you need to move along to someone that will play in the game you are playing. This is not good, bad, right or wrong. It means you’re not aligned like you would have been in the past. The moment you can take it’s not good or bad, right or wrong, it’s at that point you are open to thousands of more options that give you the opportunity to live life in a state of joy. The judgment is eliminated. Think about how you can be in a relationship by setting parameters. It all comes down to the way that you think.
I appreciate you calling me on that little piece because it is important. That meant a lot to me and I can see that. I also wanted to say that the idea of being one with your partner in everything, no matter what is happening, will change everything for you. It’s not going to happen overnight. I always go back to Gandhi saying, “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” Be the change that you want to see in your relationship.
When you want to be authentic in your relationship, it means you start taking small steps. What that means is you start telling the truth for crying out loud, hiding, shaming, pretending will only create more of that because you’re not being authentic. Most of the time when we do that, what’s occurring is we don’t want to look at ourselves. It means we are feeling bad about ourselves and we feel ashamed of who we are, what we’re being, what we’re doing and whatever it is that’s going on. Therefore, we attract more judgment, more difficulty in all of our relationships because of that. That comes from a low vibration. Low vibrations will create more low responses and activities in our life. It’s important that you speak up and speak the truth.
If somebody has a judgment, it is important for you to remember the saying, “What you think of me is none of my business.” If somebody has a judgment about you, it’s because there’s something in them that triggers that they’re feeling bad or uncomfortable about. It’s an important thing for you to recognize. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. When somebody seems like they are judging you, it doesn’t feel good to anyone. On the other hand, when you shift that around and you start seeing that with such gratitude, “I am glad I got to see that part of me,” it’s in that moment that you’re shining the light on that piece. The shadow side is the undesirable side according to your perception. From there, you start to make a difference because you’re exposing the darkness, which then becomes the light. From there, things start looking and feeling more like what it is you would like it to feel.
Being authentic means you tell the truth. It means you will risk that person who may at its extreme leave you. It may mean you are going to start over. It also means that’s okay. If somebody needs to leave the circumstances because they are not aligned enough with the person they’re with, honor and respect that whether it be within yourself or whether it be within someone else. If you do not call a spade a spade, then what happens is we become more deeply ingrained in lying, guilt and all of the things, where it’s like we’re walking around like a forgery artist meaning we’re faking it. That creates even more self-disdain and things of that nature. It’s important to recognize that so you do not fall into that pattern.
If you are doing that, it’s showing that the relationship itself doesn’t have a solid foundation. It might be a matter of time until it crumbles, or you can make a choice to strengthen it and strengthen it with your partner. Strengthen that foundation.
You’re going to start telling the truth at a new level. Somebody says something simple like, “What restaurant do you want to go to?” Maybe your old pattern would have been, “I don’t know. I don’t care.” You have the ability to at that point look at that and see if that’s true. If it’s not true, then clean it up right there, right then, “I know I said it didn’t matter, but when I truly check in with myself, it does matter. I’d rather have a salad than go to the Chart House, the Black Angus or wherever,” neither one of those is right or wrong. It’s not even whether somebody acknowledges, shifts or any of that stuff. It’s about you learning how to tell the truth and realize you will live through that. It can feel life threatening to do that. It’s extremely important you stay awake and aware.Being authentic in the relationship is being yourself without any excuses and exceptions. Click To Tweet
If you have any questions or comments about what we’ve talked about, please send them to us and we’ll discuss them in a future episode. Let’s start a dialogue. Anything we say, whether you agree or don’t agree, let us know. We would love to hear from you.
I suggest to people to start telling the truth. First of all, know yourself and know what’s in there. That means you need to take some quiet time. It means you have to stop continuously thinking and be more internal. Spend some time alone every day. Stay in a quiet place, not sleeping and not meaning that there’s nobody in the house or you’re working on your computer. This means your eyes are closed, you’re sitting quietly. Even if your mind is going crazy, notice those thoughts coming and going and use the breath at that time. The cycle of five breathing is something I’m a high advocate of. You breathe in through your nose slowly and as you do, you watch the breath. You watch the air come in slowly through your nose. You hold it up at the top of your head or between your eyebrows for the count of five slowly. You exhale through your mouth slowly to the count of five. You repeat that cycle five times.
In doing so, you become the observer that literally quiets down any stress hormones. The cortisol is released and there is a quiet state that happens in the body, which allows your mind to open and things to shift energetically, hormonally and in every way in your body. That’s powerful. You may or may not hear something or have an inspiration. It doesn’t matter. That’s not what it’s about. You calm yourself and see how you’re truly feeling. Go inside your body and notice if you have tension or stress in your stomach, in your throat, in your jaw, wherever it may be or maybe it isn’t. You can even ask yourself questions like, “What’s underneath the covers?” Allow yourself to know more honestly what it is that’s going on.
Notice that and tell the truth to the partner or to someone that you’re with that you haven’t told the truth to. In doing so, if they start to come back with some judgment or anything, you can say or you can even say this before you speak to them, “I want to share something that’s taking a lot of courage for me. If you could listen without response, that would be helpful and much appreciated for me,” and then speak what it is that you have to say. Notice how you feel in your body when you do that. That is starting to open up what it is that’s going on and will help create some safety. If it’s not safe and you’re not with a partner that can let you do that without some retaliation, then perhaps it’s time to get a coach or work with somebody that is truly non-judgmental. If you ever want a free session with me, then connect with met at Esateys@Esateys.com. Let me know that and perhaps I can help you get clearer about how to handle that and work through that on a longer-term basis.
If you keep working at it, it will come about if you have the audience and the clarity inside of yourself that will allow you to do that. After you knowing yourself and you’re speaking the truth, then it’s also important if somebody says something that doesn’t resonate with you, you also can say to yourself, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Remember that internally and repeat it internally because if somebody is saying something back to you because it is where they are coming from. Perhaps they’re threatened by you having this newfound empowerment. Perhaps they’re uncomfortable that you might change when you’ve always been a person who they could manipulate or do whatever with. There are many different things that are going on with other people and they will speak to you based on wherever it is they are. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.
The same is true when you’re judging them. If you’re judging them, you have some nasty comment, even a nasty thought or judgmental thought, that’s because of where it is you’re coming from. It’s not about them. Sometimes that takes a lot for people to digest. I invite you to read this episode again, reconsider, become more aware and astute about what it is that you think, feel, say and do. When you know thyself, you will know what is next for you and how to handle best the circumstances you have in front of you. There’s so much more to this, but these are a couple of little tools that will make a significant difference and a long-term difference in your life if you continuously follow through with them.
When Esateys was talking about taking some quiet time, the cycle of five, the breathing, the observation, those were the best advice ever. It is the beginning. I started doing that as my awareness practice and I want to recommend that you guys try it.
If you forget that, put a timer or an alarm on your phone to go off at least twice a day, every morning and every evening at a minimum. I have some people who have been stressed in their lives that I’ve been coaching, working with and even from different retreats I’ve done. They have reported to me that has totally changed everything for them. I invite you. There’s a free, easy thing you can do to take charge of your way of looking and feeling in life.
Everything will change, new priorities and a new sense of gratitude. We have a question from Rhonda in Hawaii and she said, “I listen to your podcast on boundaries three different times and I don’t get it. I set up boundaries between my partner and me. If I set up boundaries between me and my partner, isn’t that contributing to separation and ultimately the failure of my relationship?”
Rhonda, this depends entirely upon what is going on with that boundary. If you’re talking about the boundary of, “You’re not going to ever hit me,” or something along those lines, does it create a sense of separation? Yes, it might. On the other hand, the piece that needs to be worked on is why you would be with someone that would harm you, beat you up or whatever the case may be. If it’s a boundary about what works for you, you don’t sleep with each other, that’s a commitment and agreement between both of you, whether you’re monogamous or whether you are not. That’s a mutual agreement. If it’s a boundary about this is your to-do list, this is my to-do list, you do it and I will do mine, when somebody doesn’t that there is something that is discussed, it doesn’t have to be separation. From my viewpoint, it creates alignment, communication and creates a much more intimate relationship. A) you’re authentic and B) you are allowing each other to know where you stand with each one of these particular issues, whatever they are for you. You can respect that and you can honor that. If you cannot, then there are other things going on that need to be handled.We need to stay in the present because the past is not real. It's gone. It's finished. Click To Tweet
Setting it up for failure, absolutely not. The question I would ask you is, how well is the relationship working? How are you feeling without the boundaries of whatever it is that’s bothering you, the other person or both of you? It can be and it has to be spoken about, communicated cleanly, authentically without blame and with an open heart. That has to be worked on probably even prior to trying to make the conversation. If you can’t come from that place, you need support to get to that place so you can hold your role of being impeccable, clear, honest and compassionate from the get-go, from within you. If you don’t have that piece at least practiced up a lot or handled, then you are not going to come across to your partner. It’s not going to look like a boundary, which is a harsh word, but rather, “These are my preferences, and this is the way I choose to live my life. This is my universe and this is what works in my universe.”
It doesn’t mean that you’re not willing to compromise a bit, shift or whatever. It does mean that once you are clear with your priorities about what works, what doesn’t work and the other person knows that and the same for them, they let you know what works and what doesn’t work, then it’s up to you to determine if the two of you are aligned enough to make a relationship work. If you’re both awake enough that you realize your relationship is for self-development and when you get that, then you don’t necessarily have to break up. You learn how to see what they’re doing as an opportunity for you to learn how to shift internally regarding your own triggers that they may be representing or mirroring to you. Hopefully, Rhonda, that’ll make sense. You can read it for the fourth time and see if what I’ve said helps you see that more clearly.
One of the things I wanted to say to you, Rhonda, is keep going deeper. What’s underneath this? What’s underneath that? What’s underneath it? Ultimately, the whole business about creating boundaries is about the love of self and say, “This is what I want. This is what I expect and I’m worth it.” That’s subject to all the things that Esateys said. The point is if you take it down, go down deeper and deeper, it’s all about your love for yourself and the esteem that you hold in. Honestly, most of us have problems with that. It’s something to be aware of and to keep working on. We’re on to our Unlimited Possibilities. We have a question for you.
What would it take for me to have a closer and intimate relationship? When you repeat this rhetorically, remember these questions are not that you’re supposed to write down some answer. Rather you are giving a message to the Google search engine of your mind to go out into the universe, out into the world to find the answer that is most applicable and most potent for you. You don’t have to think about it anymore. You asked the question from an open mind and you may find that when you are asking this question, you may put behind the last word relationship for myself. What would it take for me to have a closer and more intimate relationship with myself? When you ask it that way, what’s happening is you’re increasing your own self-caring, which means you will be able to increase the love, caring and non-judgmental place with others. You can also leave that off. You can put it on one day and off another or you can add at the end of that as well something like with my partner or with whomever it is that your partner’s name. The bottom line is know thyself. That means to know you so you have the ability to be clean, open and honest with yourself about what’s going on and where the causal factor is.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and give everybody a homework, which is normally what you would do, but I feel constrained to give the suggestion. If you were at all taken by the idea of taking some private time and sitting down, doing the breathwork cycle of five, then allowing yourself to be with yourself and go deeper and deeper. If you write down the question that we asked and you say that to yourself while you’re doing your breathing, while you’re in that contemplative place and letting it go. No answers. Let it go and let it be. The question is, “What would it take for me to have an intimate and close relationship?” You can even take it down to close relationship with yourself. That’s something I’m going to do. Asking these questions, they’re awesome because we never know when we’re going to get an answer. Sometimes we don’t even know we got an answer, it happens. The universe works in strange ways. Esateys, any parting words?
I want to invite those of you that are animal lovers, anyone you know that is an animal lover that has any pet or wished they could. Next time we’re going to be speaking something about for the love of animals or your relationship with your animals. You will find what an amazing gift they are to your own self-development, opening your heart and so much more. The gifts they bring us are phenomenal. Tune in next time and please send me any questions that you may have so we can cover them at that moment and if not, we’ll cover them in another issue. Know that you are hugged, loved and we’ll look forward to next time.
We will see you next time. Take care. We’ll be back and we’re going to be talking about our four-legged ones.
Some people call them furbabies, others call them four-legged children. Sometimes they might be two-legged because some people have birds. Take care. Bye for now.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.