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How To Take Charge Of Your Life And Your Relationships
Relationships And Personal Growth
We’re going to speak about how to take charge of your life and your relationship. He makes up the title. I’m here to tell you that you can’t take care of your relationship or take charge of your relationship or control your relationship, but you definitely can control you. One of the things that happen is that what it is that we experience in our lives is based on what we think and how we are framing things. If we’re in a relationship and somebody is not being the way you would like them to be, then one of the most important things you can do is look at what’s going on inside of you as to why that’s irritating to you. Relationships are absolutely the most profound personal development coaches that you can ever imagine. The truth is that relationships are primarily for personal growth.
The side effect is you might have a good time and sometimes you don’t. If you don’t, it’s because you are not experiencing your relationship for what it is, which is an opportunity to grow yourself. The reason that it helps you grow yourself is that it shows you the parts of yourself, usually the parts of you that you don’t like or that you have resistance to. If somebody looks like they’re naggy or whatever, then you get to look inside and see what about nagging is upsetting to me? Does it bring up my thing that I’m not good enough? Does it make me go back to my childhood when my mother always told me, “Clean your room. Did you do your homework? Have you brushed your teeth? How come you didn’t make your bed? What about all those candy wrappers that are underneath your bed? Those trucks are still on the floor.”
We remember that stuff and when we hear certain decibel in someone’s voice or they say something more than once, we will usually kick back to an old program. It’s not your partner or the person that you’re with because the partner could be someone from your work. It could be a family member. It could be someone that you just met. There’s something about what they said that triggers an old memory. Why that’s powerful and important is because that means you’re still harboring stuff around that and anything that we hold in our memory, subconscious or consciously that we’re not okay with, that is interfering with our good humor. It’s interfering with us being able to be happy people in the world.You can't take charge of your relationship, but you definitely can control you. Click To Tweet
It interferes with us not being able to allow life to be what it is. We as human beings think that life is supposed to be a certain way. We grow up thinking this is what it’s supposed to be. If it doesn’t fit in that box, it’s wrong. If they don’t think like, I think if they don’t do what I think and they’re out of what it is that I learned was good, bad, right or wrong, then there’s obviously something wrong with them. We rarely will ever think, “Maybe I have a belief system that isn’t theirs. Maybe I have a belief system that could possibly be different or not the same as theirs.” Therefore, it’s not either one being right or wrong, it’s just we think differently. You like blue, she likes red, he wants green.
Game Of Life
Does that make you like that color better than his green or any of the other things? It’s a difference of preference. We all have our belief systems based on what we are wanting to do in our life. Meaning that if we are here living our lives, then there are certain things that we want to learn. You could look at it like it’s a school in a way. Ultimately, it is what I call a game. The reason I say it’s a game is that the things that are happening are things that are supporting us in remembering who we are. We’re here. We’ve taken an amnesia pill like in The Matrix. We come onto the planet not remembering what is really so. We don’t remember that we have amazing capabilities. We don’t remember that by nature, we’re not judgmental.
We don’t remember that we’re miraculous and could do miraculous things if we remembered. Therefore, we walk around like always on the defense, always in fear, always with this underlying thing of survival, like “I’m not safe here and therefore the rest of the world is probably going to get me or as against me or is going to come after me on some level or least confront me.” Even if they’re not going to like kill me, they’re not going to agree with me. Because we have these internal programs that run that say, “If you don’t accept me, if you don’t align with me, if you don’t agree with me, you must not like me. If you don’t like me, that means you don’t accept me. If you don’t accept me, then that means that you don’t care about me.
If you don’t care about me, it probably means you don’t love me. If you don’t love me, you would very likely kill me. If you kill me, then I’m out of here.” It literally takes us to a survival module or in a survival place. Rarely do people think about those kinds of things? They don’t think that deep about life and about themselves. This work helps you better understand yourself and the way the game called life works or the way life in general works. When you recognize that, then you can be free of all that stuff because you know what’s happening and you don’t have to make it personal. It doesn’t mean it’s easy to not make it personal because we got some serious programming going on. We not only heard it from our parents, from the internet, from the radio, from the relatives, from our school friends and from the people that we work with.
State Of Competition
Everybody has a thought process that they think is correct. I got the right answer. You think you’ve got the right answer and she thinks hers. She thinks hers, he thinks his and you think yours, therefore we are all walking around in a subconscious, sometimes very conscious state of competition. We’re competing to be right. We’re competing for the energy. For those of you that have never watched the movie, The Celestine Prophecy, it’s an interesting movie because it literally will show you how the energy is projected out. It gives examples. It’s a story about people. What it does is it shows how like a guy is putting a move on the woman. It shows his energy moving into her into her space and how that energy is gloomy. I was like, “I want something from you.” She’s very aware and she’s going, “Whoa.” He’s thinking he’s being nice because he’s not seeing that he’s desperate to get her to like him or whatever.
There’s so much undertone that goes on with us, so much subconscious, so much innuendo stuff that we’re not conscious of until we are that people don’t understand why they don’t like being around certain people. Many times, it’s because there is an energy coming after you or vice versa. You find that you don’t want to be around somebody because whether you know it or not, it’s like vampire energy. It sucks you dry. Have ever been around people that you can’t wait to get out of there because you feel drained? Those people literally use their energy to try to take your energy so they can feel more empowered because they usually feel so badly about themselves. There are many different layers of life that very few people look at or know about. The Celestine Prophecy gives you a basic understanding of how that works.What we experience in our lives is based on what we think and how we are framing things. Click To Tweet
It’s pretty fascinating because when you understand that, when you know that you can get it, then you’ll start to better understand why you like being with certain people or you don’t like being with other people. Why you respond a certain way to people and why perhaps a different people respond to you. That’s helpful in business. It’s helpful in friendships. It’s helpful for people that you interact with because the more you know about you and human nature. The more you know about how the human condition is put together and works, the more empowered you will be to make decisions that will be supportive, not only of yourself but also of the people that you’re interacting with. If you see somebody who backs up and you can feel withdraw when you’re talking to them, they’re feeling threatened. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong, but you might be a big energy. Some people are very confident. They come on really strong and some people don’t feel that confident so they feel overpowered by that.
When you see that, you recognize that especially in business, then you know to take a different approach with someone. You back up a little bit, give them some space and recognize that they’re not comfortable. You start asking them questions that will be more supportive of them becoming more at ease with you there. Instead of telling people stuff, I don’t know very many people, if any that could be told stuff. You might notice that you’ve been telling somebody something instead of saying or even if you’re suggesting something, you can come back with something like, “How does that feel or how does that sound to you or what do you think?” That then engages them and when you do that, you’re allowing them to feel safe enough that you value what it is that they are thinking, feeling, saying or doing. That creates a lot of safety for people.
When you are trying to take charge of your life, the first thing and the most important thing is to know yourself, to know how you think, know where it is that you have your frailties and where it is you have your judgments. Know where you have your triggers and pay attention to your judgments about others. Look at that and go, “Who made me God?” That’s another whole story if we went into that. The bottom line is that it’s who gave you permission to think that you’re right and they’re wrong. Only the ego would do that. Only the ego will say, “I’m right and you’re wrong.” When you are in a state of clarity, empowerment and connectedness within yourself, what occurs is that you will hear somebody and you could be fascinated by that and go, “That’s an interesting perspective,” and leave it at that. You don’t have to go to war with somebody because they don’t like what you like or go where you go or do what it is that you do because different opinions and different ways of living is what makes this world so fascinating.
In addition to that, when you have that person or people that show you something different, then you could be in great gratitude because you’re not going to know yourself until you have somebody to compare yourself with. All of this planet is about comparison or polarity. You don’t know the sun and the lightness that comes with it if you don’t know the darkness. You don’t know that that’s light because you have nothing to compare it with. If you see people that think and feel differently and express that different than you. You’re not clear about what you think until you see somebody show you something that’s not the same as you. That’s why you can be in gratitude regardless of what somebody shows you because they’re showing you a clear definition of what it is that you feel, think, say and do. The tricky part is that the majority of people, their ego is so big and they’re so defensive that they take that on as an attack.
That thing I was speaking about, which is that if you don’t agree with me, then you must not like me. If you don’t like me, you don’t love me. If you don’t love me, you kill me and all of it. It’s very deep. It’s very subconscious, but we go down to that level in a way that we don’t most of the time recognized. When you can see that you can take a breath and go, “Look where I went.” You become an observer of what it is that’s going on with yourself and what’s going on with the other people, which will allow you to be more at peace. If you take this and utilize this in your relationship, taking charge of your relationship means that you take charge of you. It means that you have the awareness of what your buttons are. What are your triggers? If you have a partner that is, “It’s how we used to be a long time ago.” We’ve been together for a long time. At the beginning of our relationship, Rafael was very flirtatious. I’d come from virtually every relationship where the person I was with cheated on me.
I had a big number running about that whole thing, not trusting men and all of this stuff. He was flirtatious by nature. I knew that was one of my triggers. I had enough awareness to say to him, “This is my baggage. This is stuff I’m working on. I’ve been in these relationships. They’ve been very painful. They’ve been hurt,” including both of my fathers because I was born to somebody. I was adopted. Both of them cheated on my mom, then I started following the same pattern with my own relationship. By the time, we got together I was like, “You’re in tough shape because you’re dealing with somebody who’s pretty sensitive.” I spoke to him about it and when he would do that, it was coming from his own insecurities, his own needs to meet him.Relationships are absolutely the most profound personal development coaches that you can ever imagine. Click To Tweet
The gift for me was I got to see how I wanted to be with that. What we did is we would talk about it as best we could. When I got triggered, I said, “This brought it up from and I’m dealing as best I can.” He’d say whatever he says. Over time we found ways to be able to deal with that. He chose to be conscious of what he was doing because it was so unconscious what he was doing. He wasn’t present. I was going through what I was going through. We had an awareness enough to be able to speak about it. Being in charge of your relationship means that you are willing to be vulnerable. It means that you know yourself well enough to speak your truth. You don’t try to be terrific, I have it all together person because there isn’t anybody who does. They can pretend, let’s get real. We’re humans. We’re made in a state that allows us to experience everything. Everybody has judgments about something else. Because of that, we have stuff that’s going to come up in our face. It only comes up because it’s giving us an opportunity to decide what to do with it.
Do we go into serious blame and attack or do we take a breath? Especially if it’s somebody that you know or if you’re in a relationship with, take a breath. You get yourself into a centered state and you go speak. You go, “When this occurred, this is how I feel.” It’s not you made me feel this way. Because the moment you start with a you thing, you’re already lost because the minute you say you, there’s a defense mechanism that’s going to come up within that person. When that happens, their hearing aids go way down. They can’t even hear you anymore because they’re now in a sense of defensiveness. It’s very important that you own the responsibility for what’s going on inside of you because they didn’t make you do anything. You could choose to respond any way you wanted. My sister was married to someone who died. She was with him for like 37 years. He was very flirtatious and whatever. She never cared. It wasn’t her thing. It was my thing, but it wasn’t her thing. She knew he would never, whatever.
She trusted him implicitly because she didn’t have any programs running that I had. She had other stuff that was her specialty. This one was my specialty. You knowing yourself are going to be in a position where you get to recognize your stuff. When you’re either in a relationship or you want to go into a relationship, be straight, be completely upfront and be vulnerable and talk about it. If you are with somebody who doesn’t want to do that, can’t do it, then you need to reconsider whether this was the best person for you to be intertwining with because you’ll end up living in a constant state of conflict. It will be blaming you, blaming me, blaming you, blaming me and it’ll go back and forth. He said, she said and it turns into something that isn’t very much fun.
All of the taking charge is in here. Taking charge means that when something goes on, you are in touch with yourself. You are vulnerable. You speak the truth. You’re very authentic and honest. You don’t try to protect yourself with your ego, “I’m not going to let them know that they got to me.” The more open and honest you are, whether they’re ever in your life or not has nothing to do with them because nobody’s going to be with you from the beginning to the end, but you. People come and go. Parents come and go. Children come and go. Relationships come and go. Everything comes and goes. Even you come and go, but you’re the only one that’s going to be there from day one through everything.
Who’s your most important person to be in touch with? It’s within you. Learning how to care for yourself, speak the truth to yourself and be honest with yourself. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes we have to start with journaling about how we’re feeling so we can get that up and be more honest. Find somebody that you can speak to very openly and honestly until you feel safe enough perhaps to say it to someone else or find a coach, like me or somebody that can help you dig underneath to those places where you’ve been hiding stuff that you don’t think it’s okay about you, whatever that may be. I don’t feel good enough. I feel guilty because I beat my child when he was four or my mother called and I didn’t respond to her call and she ended up dying on the floor. Whatever it may be, there’s usually more than one thing inside of ourselves that we’re not okay with. Sometimes it appears to be something that hasn’t happened yet but might happen.
I’m afraid that somebody’s going to leave me. My child is going to leave me and my partner is going to leave me. My father is going to leave me. My mother is going to leave me. My dog is going to leave me because we all have the abandonment issue as well. The abandonment issue means that we’re so afraid of being alone with ourselves because we don’t know who we are, how capable we are, how amazing we are and what powerful manifesters we are that we live in a very deep core, sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle state of terror. If we get honest with ourselves and we can get our feelings deep enough, we will see that humans are not nice to each other. They go to war. They do all these things because they’re afraid. It’s all because they’re afraid. If you don’t give me this, then I’m going to lose something.Everybody has a thought process that they think is correct. Click To Tweet
If you don’t buy my product, I’m going to not have as much money. If you don’t vote for this person, then the rest of the world’s not going to like you. If you speak your truth, somebody else’s going to try to put you down for it. Whatever it is, it all comes back to us. Always remember whether you like it or not, but if you’re honest with yourself, you will say to yourself, at least in here, “It’s always about me.” It’s fun to take this experiment. From here on, you can look at different circumstances and notice what you think and then ask yourself why you thought that and what happened in there. You’ll see that it’s like, “How did it affect me? The weather, how does that affect me? My parents, my children, anything, how’s that going to affect me if they don’t do this or they don’t do that or the business is having a difficult time. What’s that mean to me?”
Stage Of Narcissism
We live in this state of narcissism because it is always about us because we live as a collective in a state of survival. We just learn to say, “So what? Who Cares?” You’re not the lone ranger. Anybody who thinks they don’t is not conscious of that. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. This world is about all of these things, all of these experiences. You don’t have to feel guilty anymore. You don’t have to feel like you did anything wrong ever again. You’re doing the best you know how in that given moment. When you get okay with that, then your life will be completely different. You will relax. When you’re relaxed, then that energy is not tense. It’s not resistive. You live in a state of nonresistance, non-resistive living.
When you live in a state like that, then whatever’s happening, that’s cool. If you’ve got a lot of triggers and a lot of resistance, you can’t take charge of yourself because you’re always reactive. You can’t take charge of a relationship, meaning that you can’t be honest with it because you’re not honest with yourself. You can’t take charge of your life because you don’t know who you are. You don’t know how to be honest with yourself. The bottom line to all of this is what is going on with you because once you know you, then you do no harm over there. Do no harm here, you will do no harm over there.
When you allow yourself to be okay with all the parts of you that you see, you’re going to be pretty darn awesome. The more you hang out with people that get that, that you can speak that truth, the more empowered you will become, the quicker you will become empowered. Because if you go out there and there’s not everybody on the street that’s willing to take this responsibility. There’s not a whole bunch of people in general that wants to say, “This is my responsibility for how I react.” They’re going to say, “They did that to me. Didn’t you see? They pulled out in front of me. They said that to me,” or whatever the case may be.
When you know how it works, then you understand that, “I wonder what my favorite message out of that was. What’s great about this that I haven’t seen yet,” because everything is always happening in your best interest even when it doesn’t seem like. Many of you have already heard me say many times because I say it every day, the universe is always conspiring to make my life more awesome than I could ever dream or imagine. The universe is always conspiring to make my life more awesome than I could ever dream or imagine. If that one statement was owned, was integrated, you would never have resistance about anything ever again because you would find the gift in whatever’s going on and it is truly that way. It takes a lot of commitment to be in joy to get to that place.
I was particularly taken back by the fact that the ability to See is how you make your life work, your relationships work and everything else. It’s to be able to see who you are without all the chatter, all the other stuff that comes up that will distract you from being who you are and therefore your relationships and everything else in your life.Different opinions and different ways of living are what make this world so fascinating. Click To Tweet
There’s somebody that I know is a friend and his email address is See To Be Free. It’s a very powerful statement because when you can see these things, you’re afraid. You’re not out effect of everything. You truly have the ability to see. From a macro view, it’s like being in the hot air balloon way up here. You can see a whole bunch more or like a Ferris wheel. When you’re on top of the Ferris wheel, you can see the whole fairgrounds. You will see all of these different kinds of things happening all at once. We’re down here on the ground like the size of an ant, relatively speaking. What do you think we can see? Not much.
That is why it’s so amazing to think about an analogy that I like is to think about literally an ant on the toe of an elephant. What did he see? If you know this hair coming out of this rough stuff, which is their skin. It looks like there’s a little hole where it’s attached. Their whole life is right around that whole thing that they see. They don’t have a clue that there’s this trunk and maybe tusks and ears and his tail and this whole thing. They get on top. They look around and go, “What the heck?” It’s like that. To me, the adventure of learning and knowing about yourself is like the coolest thing because you can use this in every area of your life. Ultimately, it’s about getting you to true joy because true joy is something that extremely few people ever experience. This is one powerful way to get there.
Another way to describe joy is not to be in resistance or rub or conflict with anything. When you get to that place where you’re above it, where you’re not reacting to it, you are in joy. I used to love to go rafting, so I had this analogy that, if you go at the end of the season, the water level is low, towards the end of the summer. You’ll be on a raft and you’ll bump into the rocks on the bottom because you don’t have a lot of water on you under you. The higher the water level rises, you will go over that rock, maybe you’ll pass it by one inch or if you’re coming from a higher place, you’ll go right over it and you’ll never see it. You’ll never react to something because you’re in a different place. I always love that analogy. It is where you place yourself to be able to see what there is and we have control over that.
You’re not going to control in general the weather, the moon, the sun, the waves, any of that or another person and that’s the bottom line. You cannot control other people. You only have the ability to control one thing and that is how you perceive what it is that’s happening in your life because stuff is happening. Whatever is there, your ability to decide whether you want to make that happy, sad, mad or glad, that’s on you. It’s nobody else because stuff will and always be happening.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.