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If You Really Knew Who I Am, You Would NEVER Love Me
Our subject is, if you really knew who I am, you would never love me.
I love that title because it is one of the core issues that we as human beings have. Deep in our core, we are hiding. We pretend that we are a certain way because if we present ourselves in a way that seems acceptable to the world, which is gathered from what society says is good, bad, right or wrong, we feel like we don’t live up to that. We mold ourselves. We shift ourselves to do our very best to fit the mold that isn’t true. That means that we all have things that society thinks are not okay. Every one of us, whether you like to admit it or not, everybody lies, cheats, has jealousies, has insecurities, has a sense of betrayal done to them and have provided that to other people. They have judgments. We have so many little things going on that is incorporated into the human condition and we all like to pretend that none of that is true.
We pretend that none of that is true because we feel that if you knew that we did any of those things, certainly, you would not love me because we live in a world that says you’re not supposed to be those things. I have a news bulletin for you. It’s a lie because people are not going to love you if you have ever told a lie or if you’ve ever had a judgment. Get real. There isn’t anybody who hasn’t done both of those things as a sample. Perhaps some people will say ideally, although that’s a judgment in and of itself, it’s about, “I don’t lie anymore or whatever.” I’m telling you, you probably still do, maybe not in the same way that you used to. You may have become much craftier about it. The fact that you may try to say to yourself that you don’t judge. Get a grip. There isn’t one person on the planet that doesn’t go through the day in a continuous state of judgment.
Do you realize that judgment doesn’t necessarily have to be something negative? It means that you have an opinion. A judgment can be good. It can be bad depending upon your belief systems and the degree of good, bad, right and wrong that you live. I want you to start to think about this. The self-judgment that we have is crippling. It creates tremendously low self-esteem. It keeps us small. It keeps us from doing, being, feeling, thinking and saying everything that’s within us, which is who we are. The truth is that it’s not being who you are that’s causing the rift or the separation. That separation is coming between you and you, not between you and them. You make the decision about how you want to present yourself in the world. Believe me, I do understand that it’s scary because our world is based on us all being sheeple. Following the herd, following the flock around doing what everybody else does. That’s why people who step out of the flock are having a difficult time with their own sense of being loved and lovable. Are we on the same page over here?
We are, definitely. It’s so deep. I know why and I’d like to go into that so people could get an understanding of why we’re like that and it affects everything that we do.You make the decision about how you want to present yourself in the world. Click To Tweet
It affects truly everything we do and the reason that it does is because we grow up believing certain things that we feel that we must do to be accepted and to be loved. One of the other core issues inside of human beings is that we want to know that we are loved and lovable because on a very deep level, we do not feel loved and lovable. That’s why people excel so much. That’s why people do these amazing things because they will be recognized. In that recognition, that’s equated as love. We could go to a lot of places with this whole subject but the bottom line is that as we grow up, we are molded into, for the most part, according to whomever it is that is taking care of us. You would be surprised how much of your life is gauged by or molded by your nanny, your babysitter, the school that you go to during the day, the people that are also your parents or maybe it’s your grandparents that are influencing you the most.
It doesn’t matter with whom it is that you are spending your time with. What’s important to recognize about that is that you are going to be taught according to how they think, how they feel, to their own personal values, to their own perception about society and the way the world works and the way the world ought to work. That means that if you stop and think about who brought you up and you spent most of your life with for the first twelve or fourteen years in particular, you’re going to have a better understanding when you observe them now from an adult place. How you think some of the things that you think, how you feel about certain things that you feel. Based on that, what occurs is our lives are then orchestrated from these beliefs that we acquired from whomever it was.
We’re not even aware of it. We don’t even know it.
We don’t have a clue about these things because the majority of people are not awake and aware about their upbringing. Perhaps you’re one of those people that has never even heard of what it is that I’m speaking about right now. If you have, maybe you’ve never sat down and thought about, “This person raised me most of the time and how much am I like them? How many of my belief systems have come from their belief systems?” I can tell you myself personally, my parents, my father was in World War II. My mother was one of those army wives or whatever in the depression. The bottom line is they grew up with not having very much at all. Things were very tight and very difficult. They were Catholics so they didn’t use birth control so we had a whole bunch of kids. We didn’t have enough money to live the way that we would have ideally lived. What do you think happened to me deeply ingrained inside of me? There’s never enough. There’s a deep scarcity.
Everybody has these in varying degrees. It depends on usually your upbringing. Mine was okay, we live in a depression. Not only have I dealt with depression, but I’ve also lived in a mindset of economic depression. Do you know how that’s manifested for me, which I can observe now and I can chuck a lot because to me, it’s no big deal? It’s part of the way I lived. It’s not the way I live so much anymore, but I can observe the way that I have been. It’s what I call my script of how I’m playing out my part in my life. When I look at this, because I didn’t have a lot, I want a lot. Not only do I want a lot, but I like to have a lot of things around me. I’m not a hoarder. I do like to have an excess of things. I like to have extra of everything: pens, paper, makeup, clothes, shoes and everything. I am never going to pass the minimalist criteria. Because of that, I can observe that characteristic of myself and I can go, “That is so fascinating.”
When I come to that place, what I realize is that was awesome. If we take the title of this episode: if you knew who I am, you would never love me, once you reach a certain place, then you start to realize that, “This is who I am. I grew up in this way and this is deeply ingrained inside of me. I’ve changed some of them, but it’s cool because I still do like having a lot of things around me.” It makes me feel more secure. This personality piece that shows up sometimes feels more secure with that. That’s another very deep core issue that people have, safety. Rafael, wouldn’t you agree that your big thing is safety? Yours comes out a little bit different. How does yours work?
My safety is a big thing for me. My grandfather came to the United States with the clothes on his back and my grandmother was pregnant. It’s not only that our caregivers and the people who took care of us, even our parents, it’s not even the way they were. They picked that up from their caregivers, from their parents and it goes on and on. Pretty much this is a societal thing that we’ve accumulated. As a Baby Boomer, my parents were very much in the Depression. They grew up in the Depression. Esateys’ parents had that and that is ingrained in us, that piece that there is something wrong. Why don’t we have it? Something is very prevalent and we have no awareness of it. The thing that’s most significant for me is if one acknowledges that your whole being, your whole aspect of loving yourself or conversely thinking there’s something wrong with you can happen in one moment from someone. Your parents, or whatever, saying one thing to you that will stay with you for the rest of your life. For me, I was in college, I got a 401 semester, all A’s. The next semester I got a 375, which meant that I got a B. The only reaction from my parents to whom I was looking for recognition was, “How come you got a B?” That has stayed with me for my whole life.
That’s very powerful for you to share that because one of the things, and we’re being very vulnerable and open now, is he has a thing running that he never does it good enough. He’s not good enough and he never does it good enough no matter how awesome his projects are or the things that he does are. He always seems to come back. I won’t say always, but most of the time. It’s like, “I didn’t do it good enough.” That’s how deep the scar of one statement can make in our entire lives. It’s so amazing. It’s so powerful.People will find great freedom once they better understand themselves. Click To Tweet
Bringing this back to relationships. If we have that number running, we’re not good enough, there’s something wrong with us or any of those things. That is what we are going to bring to our relationship. As Esateys talked about, that’s what you’re going to attract into your life.
It’s so very true. Please remember that the things that we talk about here are very deep core information packets or something about life that most people do not speak about. They don’t go into this stuff in the same way. Some people, they find great freedom once they better understand themselves in the way life works. When you understand that your life was absolutely perfect, absolutely as it was meant to be because this thing called life is an adventure. We get to live from experience, to experience, to experience. It wasn’t meant to beat us up. It wasn’t meant to have us be in agony all of the time. Those are optional.
When I say they’re optional, I mean it. We don’t have to see things, feel things and experience things from a painful place once we understand what’s going on. Especially when we know where all of this came from and we recognize also that it was a choice that we made although it was unconscious. We now have the ability to make a different choice consciously. That’s extremely empowering. When we walk around saying, “If you knew who I am, you’d never love me,” that’s because you think I have talked to so many people that think this. Their life is good. They appear to have the most awesome relationship. I don’t know exactly how they do it, but they’re always smiling and always laughing or you’ll hear someone say, “Where did they get all that money? How come they got so lucky that they’ve got everything handled that way or their kids are perfect? Mine are if they’re not in jail, by the time they’re seventeen, it’s going to be a miracle.”
They’re thinking that their home is absolutely perfect. Let me tell you, you have no clue what’s behind those closed doors. You have no clue. I have coached so many people that appear to have not only their act but their family, their money, their health or their whatever, completely together. It’s so perfect that it would be nauseating to some and yet when you get under the covers, if you will, behind the scenes you see these people are in agony. They have just as many things going on as the next person. When you say to yourself, if you knew who I am, you would never love me, get real. You are as lovable as the next person. When you start to realize that you are not any better, nor are you any worse than anyone else, you’ll realize that underneath that judgment, underneath that belief system that you have to be a certain way is this incredibly deep core, amazing being. Some people call it a light, some people call it God. Some people call it love. Whatever it is that you want to call it, but the bottom line is within you is a consciousness of true essence of life.
That true essence of life is what it is that allows you to be perfect exactly as you are, even though you may think you are not that because you have human characteristics. Things that happen here in this third plane reality, the place where we have, the polarity system. Where you have up, down, right, wrong, good, bad and all of that stuff which is a belief system. Everything is a belief system. What’s powerful and core about that? It’s that you have a belief system and you have the power to change your belief system. You have the power to think about what’s awesome about you in every given moment. Instead of going, “It was me. If you knew I needed to hide, because if you see that I yelled at my dog or I smacked my kid or whatever, you’re going to be in confession for the rest of your life. You’ll beat yourself up or self-flagellate or wherever it is that you think you need to go to make sure you’re punished because you’re such a bad person. When you think that what occurs is that you are putting out that energy. Remember another episode when we talked about how you put out the energy of what you’re feeling, thinking and experiencing internally, how you feel internally is what you are putting out into the world.
It’s an unseen force. It’s an energy that has a magnetic attraction factor to it. If you are with yourself with recognition and you can start to see that you’re putting stuff out then what you’re going to notice is that you are pulling in people that are maybe not so nice to you. Maybe create self-doubt in you. Maybe create a sense of I’m not enough because they seem to have their act together, at least through your illusionary eyes. You compare yourself and you go, “They’ve got it together. I’m a worm of the dust. I couldn’t dare let them know that I wasn’t able to pay my bills this month. I can’t dare to let them know that I lied to my partner. I can’t dare to let them know that I gave my child up for adoption. I can’t dare to let them know I got an abortion.” Whatever it is that your new little secrets and you notice there’s an S on the end of that word, secrets are, if you really know my secrets, you won’t love me.
I have done a lot of deep work with people in retreats. When people get safe enough and they start sharing what it is that’s going on with them, it is phenomenal to notice that virtually everybody has one “secret” that they thought was certainly worse than somebody else’s until they heard somebody else’s. We’re people. We’re human beings and what we are is ultimately spiritual beings in a human body. Who you are cannot be altered, changed or eradicated. There’s nothing that can happen to you. It means that you’re playing a game called life. You have put on this shroud of illusionary belief systems about who you are. From there, you get to decide whether you want to be happy, sad, mad or glad. It’s the power in you. Are you utilizing that power in a way that uplifts you or brings you down?
You finished saying that these are the things that you need to understand. Everybody does it. It wasn’t your fault. Your parents did it. You learned from this one. You learned from that one. It’s those life experiences. Your script, but you’ve often talked about it being your script, how you’re living your life out. My question is, when that self-deprecation is so core, what’s the one thing you could recommend that will help us go in there and Roto-Rooter it out? Help us bring it to the surface and let go of it. Because it’s one thing to have an awareness and that obviously is the starting point, but we need in in certain cases and I’m speaking for myself now, when these things are so core, we need a way to get deeper and deeper. What is the one thing that you would suggest for people who are reading here?If you have the awareness, you'll have the desire to do what it takes to clear out the illusionary belief systems. Click To Tweet
If you have the awareness, then the next thing that’s very critical is that you must have the desire to do what it takes to clear out the illusionary belief systems, the riff-raff, the recycled ignorance and do whatever it takes until it’s clear. For some people, it’s quite quick. For other people, it’s not so quick. It depends on what kind of support you have and what kind of people you hang around with. How many people are there allowing you to be who you are without criticism? It depends on a lot of different things, but it has to start with getting connected with people that see things from a different viewpoint than one of the glass half-empty or the one of continuous criticism. That’s very important to recognize when you have the awareness and then you throw in the desire to do whatever it takes and you follow through with the commitment.
I have a program called The Wealth Grid. It may also be in the Mindset Breakthrough System Program as well, but there are nine or ten very powerful tools that are mandatory to create massive change. Sometimes we could perhaps do a show on those, but I can tell you that awareness and desire and commitment and follow through. Those are some of them, but the bottom line is it has to be something that you want. Some people seemingly don’t have the energy and desire. They are in such a place that unbeknownst perhaps to their conscious mind, they are okay. In fact, comfortable in their pain because we become addicted to about anything and everything. We can become very addicted to pain. We can become very addicted to pleasure. We can become very addicted to sex, drugs, rock and roll, whatever it is because by nature, the human consciousness is looking for something to take them away from what’s bothering them in a deeper way.
Therefore when you become addicted to something, that’s where all your focus goes. If you’re going to be addicted because everyone is in one way or another, what if you got addicted to learning how to love yourself? What if you became addicted to the self-development programs or ideas or people or whatever to help you understand the way life works? What if you became so passionate that you were going to wake up to what’s true about yourself? Can you imagine what your life would be like? Can you imagine how powerful you would be in your life? Instead of barely getting by, you would be exalted, you would be empowered, you would be alive and you would help other people do that too. There’s so much to living. There are so many people that don’t know that that’s there.
I have many things I want to say and we’re running out of time for this segment. What I did want to say is, that reminds me of when we did the retreat, we did a love of self-retreat. We did a whole series of exercises and awareness things that had helped me crack through some of these things. We should talk more about that because I think that’s something that would be awesome.This topic is a big one for me. The one thing we forgot to tell you, write this down and then go out and get a t-shirt that says:
“What you think of me is none of my business.” Let me tell you. When you get to a place of loving yourself, when you start to realize that you’re amazing the way you are, then you’re going to allow people to think, feel, say, do whatever they would like about you and you will be divested from what it is it’s going on. Because remember what we’ve spoken about in other podcasts and that is that energy never leaves its source. When someone is judging on you, they’re judging on themselves. They’re projecting that on you because it’s too uncomfortable for them to look at and that works the same for you. When you’re judging other people, it’s because of your own self. If you lived with the premise, what you think of me is none of my business, then what occurs is that you are allowing yourself to be yourself. That doesn’t mean that you would necessarily want to go out and rape or steel or whatever things that people think are not so cool.
If you want to do that, you’d do it. You’d be cool with it. What you would realize is if there are things that you were doing like lying or whatever, you can choose not to do that, not because it makes you a bad person, but because it’s not interesting anymore. How to do that, go do something new. It’s also because ultimately on some very deep level, we feel better about ourselves when we’re doing things that make us feel good, raise our vibration or improve our attitude. Most people that are doing these things that we’re speaking about are not feeling good about themselves. That means that when you lie, you don’t feel good. It feels uncomfortable, especially when you become more aware.
It’s not like the lying is such a thing. It’s that you don’t feel good when you do that, which lowers your vibration, which means that you’ll start attracting people being unkind to you. If they’re not unkind to you, you’ll be unkind to yourself because you will start to beat yourself up because that’s what happens in low vibrations. It’s important for you to recognize, you have a choice. You may not know how to implement that choice, but there is definitely a choice. That’s why we do what we do is to help people know how to implement choice that comes from an aware place that allows you to create a new you, a new life, a new way of being, thinking, feeling and experiencing every single moment.
Who was the person who that quote came from?When you're judging other people, it's because of your own self. Click To Tweet
Originally, I heard it from Terry Cole-Whittaker way back whenever. I have since heard it from many people. I’m not sure who the originator of it was, but I so love it.
For me, what I wanted to say is that if you were to wear that shirt and walk around with it, and basically go public with that, make a declaration to yourself, to your friends, family and the universe, that’s how you want to be and are. What a difference that will make.
I invite you to do some preliminary work before you do that because people may come up to you and say, “What does that mean?” You can go do it anyway because all of life is an adventure of learning. That’s where it can be. It is a very powerful thing. If somebody says something to you and you can say internally, at least what you think of me is none of my business. Allow yourself to move through the feelings that are there inside of you. You can literally go and write down all the things that came up for you and allow those feelings to pour out on paper. Next to those feelings or any feelings of denigration, you can create another list across from now that is the opposite of that, “I feel bad. I feel guilty.” Next to it, you write, “I feel good. I’m very excited about who I am.” When you give your mind something else to think about, it will think that. We are thinking what we have been told to think, not what is necessarily true at all.
This is an exercise that you can do for yourself and part of that can look like writing in a gratitude journal and have that writing only be about you. What were three amazing things that you did, felt, experience, said or whatever on that day just about you? A lot of times people write gratitude journals, “I’m so grateful that I saw such a beautiful sunset. I’m so grateful that whatever happened.” What if you wrote down three or more things that said, “I am so grateful that I was very aware when I was talking to so and so. I am so grateful that my body was so strong that I was able to work out longer than I ever thought. I am so grateful because my heart was so open when I was talking to Sandy or whatever.” Bring it back to yourself and all the amazing things that you do because what you think of me is based on you, not them. When you can look at yourself and say, “If you knew who I am, you would really love me.” You would really love me because underneath all of these belief systems is the true you. That is the real essence of life.
We have one question that comes from Sandy. It says, “It feels like my partner is constantly criticizing me. I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t get him to stop.”
When someone is criticizing you on a continuous basis, the first thing you will always recognize is that two things. One, that person is in their own level of pain and they are trying to protect their own world. The second thing is that your own self-esteem is so low that you are creating somebody coming up and reminding you of what it is that you feel about yourself. When you have a judgment about yourself, about the way you do anything or the way you think or any of that, the universe will always bring you people to reaffirm what it is that you’ve been thinking the most about. If you’re being seemingly judged or somebody is bringing something up repeatedly, yes, they have their own stuff going on, but the big thing for you to look at is, what is it that’s going on inside of me that’s creating me getting this feedback from people? Am I walking around feeling guilty because of this? Do I have shame because of this? Am I feeling like I’m not enough because of this? Am I feeling weak and impotent about this? Whatever it is, it’s going to have originated from within yourself because when we say energy never leaves its source, what we think and what we feel goes out to the universe. Then we invite people to bring to us what it is that we are thinking and feeling about ourselves.
That’s why to get angry at another person for a certain way of being is silly because they’re being the mirror to you. That is something that when you have support to do so, you can look deeply into that and then heal that from within yourself. The first thing if you heard us say so many times is to have the awareness of that. It’s very good to do something called Ho’oponopono. It’s very powerful. It’s an old Hawaiian technique that allows us to work on forgiveness, self-forgiveness because all forgiveness is about self. The bottom line is it’s very powerful. There’s a book by Joe Vitale called Zero Limits, which tells the story of this whole thing. It’s a very powerful technique. I love it and I recommend it to people. That’s something that you can also work with. If that is something that is supportive, that will be awesome. If it goes deeper than that for you, Sandy, then contact me because maybe there’s something that we could do together that would be helpful for you. Sometimes we are creating abuse and we don’t even know that we are. That’s another whole subject.
The technique that Esateys was speaking about, it’s four sentences that are constantly repeated and it’s meant to be directed at yourself. It’s, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” The thank you is the gratitude for showing you what you need to see. It’s very powerful. If you read Joe’s book, it’s miraculous.
It’s, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” When you repeat that over and over again, it’s not about the other person, it’s about you. Go learn about that and that’d be a great thing for you to do, Sandy, and for all the rest of you that are reading.
That’s another thing we should do is to show our self-forgiveness. Thank you so much. Please send us your questions. Please give us your comments. We would love to hear from you and communicate with you.
I’m going to leave you with the question of the day. Remember, this is a rhetorical question. You’re not going to do anything with it except repeat it several times a day and that is, “What would it take for me to love myself exactly as I am?” That may seem like a big assignment. Let me tell you, it is possible. Anything and everything is possible. This section of each episode is about the world of possibilities. This world of possibilities allows your mind to go out and bring back the answers to the impossible things that some part of you may think, “What would it take for me to love myself exactly as I am?”
If you haven’t read the prior episode about how to access your own personal Google search, I recommend that because we speak about the power of these rhetorical questions and how they will bring you exactly what you’re looking for. We are so happy to be here with you. Thank you for reading.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.