Controlling your partner is not the way to a healthy and loving relationship. In this episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner talk about how making your partner be the way you want him or her to be can take a toll on your bond. They discuss some tips on how to let go of urges on steering how someone’s life should function and share what is called non-resistive living. Moving past the resistance, Esateys and Rafael help us understand the beauty of just allowing things to be, most especially in relationships. Sit tight and read intently to their interesting conversation as they further discuss how you can attract the right person and align yourself, and how perceptions can impact your overall mood.
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Letting Go Of Making Your Partner Be The Way You Want Them To Be
We are very delighted to be with you. We’re going to have an adventure. I wonder what it’s going to be.
It’s always an adventure when we get together and do one of these. Our topic is letting go of making your partner be the way you want him or her to be. Before you say a word, I have to be a little transparent. When I wrote that title, I wrote it with letting go of making your partner be the way you want him to be. I have a little feeling that women make men be the way they want them to be. I know that’s not accurate, but I’m saying that’s what is going on with me.
Your perspective is honored and respected.
This is getting deep now.
It truly is because the truth is that everybody feels that way about their partner. It doesn’t matter if it’s a he or she or a he-he or she-she. It doesn’t matter because the bottom line is we always look over there thinking that if over there was different, then over here would be a lot happier. The majority of relationships are based on taking a deep look inside and see if on some level this is true. Doing your very best to get them to mold into what it is that you think would be best for them, which is really you feeling that would be best for you. Every single person wants their own personal world, their own little universe fit in a way that aligns with their needs, with their beliefs, with their perspectives, with everything that they think is so perfect within themselves, and it is.
The difficulty for people is that they think that the world over there is not as perfect for that person as it is. That’s where the big abyss starts until it turns into the Grand Canyon. What’s important to realize is that and I will say it for the umpteenth time, relationships are the most powerful self-development tool ever. What that means is that you are going to draw towards you someone who is going to give you an opportunity to reassess how you would like to be in every single moment and is also going to give you the opportunity to determine whether you want to fight against or let go and be.You have to decide that what you want is the way you be and how you be is what you want. Click To Tweet
This is a big challenge because the ego or the mind is so programmed to constantly be in action, taking charge, doing its best to make things be the way it thinks it ought to be. Based on that, there is no time for being or allowing what is at that moment to be so at that moment. Instead it’s like, “I don’t like this. I’m going to do everything in my power to change it. I’m going to quickly rush and make more money. I’m going to quickly rush and get them to speak differently, to dress differently, to respond differently, to be smarter, to be thinner or to be heavier,” to be whatever it is that our mind thinks is best for ourselves and projecting it over there. The mind convinces us that we think that’s what’s best for them.
Unpacking this, there are a couple of things here. First is obviously our need to control. The second piece is the arrogance that we have thinking that we know better and what’s best for them rather than allowing them to know what’s best for them.
Looking at it from within oneself and recognizing that they are being the way they are being to help you notice where you have restrictions, where you have judgments. Where you have your belief systems running and it’s from there that we keep trying to make pretty much everyone be different. I have spoken more than once to people even before I was coaching for a living. I would speak to my friends and they’d say, “He’s got some of the basics, but I know that when I am with him, I’ll fix him.” I have heard the same thing from men. “She’s pretty.” Men do this a lot. They’re going to make sure that they are whatever it is at, that man thinks that she ought to be. She should be more sexual or she shouldn’t be so sexual. She should be smarter or she should have a different kind of job where maybe she shouldn’t have a job or maybe she ought to have a job.
It doesn’t matter. There are all kinds of things and all of these things come from our belief systems, take it a step back, come from a place where we grew up, having belief systems that were ingrained in us from when we were children. When you look very honestly within yourself, you can see that what you are feeling, what you’re thinking and what you’re trying to get to change is based on a belief system that you acquired a long time ago. It’s rarely new, fresh and aligned because if it was, you wouldn’t feel you needed to do anything.
I don’t understand what you mean by being fresh and aligned.
Meaning that if you were more awake and more aware and you were connected to yourself at a higher level, you would realize that the other person is a reflection or a mirror. Based on that, you would see that they are bringing up stuff for you to be able to maneuver in a different way than you might’ve in the past. In other words, from an aware place. In other words, keeping it in a place where you recognize that what’s going on over there is the opportunity for you to be able to shift how you are being.
Cutting right to the chase, how do we prevent doing that? How do we stop ourselves from doing this? I think that this is an automatic program. We see something we don’t like. We see something we don’t like in ourselves and we want to change it. Now, what do we do?
The most powerful and important thing to do is to move over to the file cabinet called non-resistive living. The most profound thing you can do whenever something doesn’t look the way you want it to be is to be with it. That means that you observe it and you allow it. You breathe into it and you feel it in your body, wherever that may be. It might be a physical sensation in your throat, your chest or your belly. There may be a tenseness. There may be grinding of the jaw or whatever it may be, allow yourself to observe that and be with that. Once the resistance to what is moved through, then almost always there will be another level of inspiration if you will or something that will come up that will allow you to not fight what’s going on. The other person may continue to do what it is that they’re doing, but you’re not at the effect of it. If you are, then you get to repeat the process over and over again.
I will say from my own experience and we did a lot of work on this in our last retreat, dealing with non-resistance. The freedom that one can have when we’re not attached to whatever is going on. It’s so hard. In one minute during that process, when we did one particular process, I thought that I was feeling great and then as soon as we finish, something else happened where I wasn’t okay with what was going on, it’s like that instantaneous going back. It’s the reversion of how we normally are. I know it’s a process, but it is pretty challenging.
If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be all that much fun as we think it would. Everybody thinks that they want everything to go their way and be so smooth. The truth is that the ego would be very bored. The mind would turn around in circles trying to find something. It still does. It looks for traumas and dramas and it’s got itself stirred up. There’s some activity which makes it feel alive and in fact, what keeps it alive. If we’re in a state where we’re at peace and we’re feeling good although a lot of people say they want that, if they’re there for too long, they will almost always self-sabotage and put themselves back in a place of trauma drama or some conflict that will help them feel they have a purpose.
They have value because it’s the doingness that makes the mind or the ego feel like it has value. The beingness is so not fun for the personality, the ego, whatever words we’re using because there’s nothing in conflict when you’re in a non-resistive state and you’re allowing life to be. It’s jumping around and doing gyrations because it wants to have some rub so we can get riled up and make things in adventure, get the adrenaline running, see if there isn’t something that can be disrupted or disruptive in life. It’s got a problem to solve. I’m not trying to sound sexist here, but it seems that men more than women always want to solve the problem. The women pretty much want to talk about the problem and for them, that seems to a lot of times let itself resolve.
A guy is going to go and discern, “This was going on.” This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to do one, two, three, four. That’s why there are so many difficulties in communication with relationships or in relationships because the woman starts to share how it is that she feels from her heart. She wants to get that out because she knows on some intuitive level that pretty much will work itself out. The guy, on the other hand, takes the ball and he runs for a touchdown with it. It may not be what she even wanted.We're the creators of our reality. We are responsible for what's in our lives. Click To Tweet
We are talking about making our partner be who we want them to be and now we jumped off into this non-resistance. Can you bring it back and show us how we can utilize this more or how we can keep in that state?
Here’s the thing, if you have a perception shift that the relationship is there to help you grow, then when something comes up, you have the option to be able to frame it however it is that you would like to. You can either get mad and tell the person they need to do something or you can allow it to be and go in and do your own inner process. I will admit that going in and doing your own inner process for most is really hard. Sometimes, it is seemingly impossible. There are all these other things that you can do. You can sit down and have a compassionate communication event with your partner. One would be to sit down and use the I word, eliminating all of the you stuff. When you communicate, you say something like, “When such and such occurs, I feel and I noticed that I go back into some old program or whatever it is.” That is ownership. We have to stay in ownership, that whatever is going on, is going on inside of us. They are flashing an opportunity for us to be able to bring that up because it hasn’t been completely dealt with otherwise, it wouldn’t show up.
The first thing you can do is start with a conversation about that. Another thing that you can do is to recognize that what the other person is doing is that they are coming from the best place they know how. They’re not going to be thinking the way you think. They don’t frame things the way you do. Their needs are different than your needs. This is why in a relationship, if you get yourself as aligned as you possibly can with someone before you get under relationship, it will diminish some of the intense differentiations that will show up. Most people go first with the feeling of attraction and the way someone looks and they forget about all that other stuff.
Basically, all the things that they’re now “complaining” about or don’t like, they initially liked or were covered up by the lust that they had when they first got into the relationship.
This happens pretty much all the time. If you go into a relationship wide-eyed, then that would be a completely different experience. If you’re already in a relationship and you’ve got things going on.
I wanted to go back and that’s exactly where I was going to go next is what happens to the people who are already in a relationship? There may have been significant abuse in experiencing this over a period of time when maybe neither of the partners was really aware of it. Here’s the situation. We’ve been a couple for several years. Maybe we have some kids. The point is, we’ve been in a relationship. We’ve been together. All of these years, I have been either consciously or unconsciously or passive-aggressively throwing out my judgments about what I don’t like about what you do and making me feel bad when I do it. You are constantly deriding me to change. Quite often, women who are by men called nags that would be where they want us to change. The question is, we got a lot of water under the bridge and you’re the person who has in your mind has been picked on and victimized, what do we do?
Come back to the bottom line truth. We’re the creators of our reality. We are responsible for what’s in our lives. We get choices about how we be with what is in our lives. We give up the idea that anyone can do anything to us. You’ve all probably heard, “What you think of me is none of my business. The person who is doing the things that are irritating to the other person is usually wearing that shirt. They are either completely unconscious or they are in a place where they’re okay with you or the other person is okay with whatever they’re going through. When you’re at a very high vibration, you can allow other people to do whatever they want with it. What’s important on your side is to stay really in an open heart so you’re not trying to antagonize the person and make it worse. Instead, you’re true inside yourself.
After you start in a relationship and you start becoming naggy with each other or the situation may be, to use your example, she nags and so he shuts down or he judges and she shuts down. Each one of these experiences, no matter how minute they may appear to be, they start building a brick wall. Every single one of those puts another brick in the wall. What happens usually by the time people get to me for coaching is sometimes they have so many bricks in the wall that you can’t get through them because they do not believe it can ever be any different. It can, but not unless both people are committed to letting go of all of the ways, all their habits, all their beliefs and all of the perceptions that they have.
If they don’t shift, they’re going to keep on doing the same thing over and over again. There has to be a willingness to not be right. Neither person can be in a place where they think they’re right. Most of the time, when I coach people, they’re both looking for me to say something that will make them feel right. The other one is looking for me to say something that will make them right so they can be one-up on the other person and prove that what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling is absolutely accurate and that person doesn’t see it. They have their judgments going on. That’s not going to be productive. What has to happen is you have to decide, do you want to be in a relationship with yourself in a happy way?
If you do not, then keep on doing what you’re doing. If you do, then look inside and become the person that you’re waiting for or you’re wanting over there. It’s the saying, “Seek the change you want to be in the world.” That’s where the real truth has to come into play here. You have to decide that what you want is the way you be and how you be is what you want. Therefore, that will attract the person who can align with that to you rather than having a dichotomy come to you. That is a decision that has to be made by each individual. Instead, people stay together, they struggle, they fight, they conflict and they do the one-upmanship. They attack and they do all these things. Fighting a battle, a continuous battle, trying to get the upmanship and instead all they’re doing is digging their own grave for themselves, their joy, their vibration and definitely for their relationship.
There were two important pieces that you made. One of them was when you look at digging the hole as you were talking about, one person is feeling attacked, abused or whatever. They talk to the person. What can one reasonably expect when you go to your partner and say, “I feel you’ve been picking on me. I feel you don’t like the clothes I wear.” What kind of reasonable expectation can that person have that his partner’s going to change? What I’m thinking is that the partner has no idea that either they’re doing it or there’s some ingrained program, something that they feel bad about themselves that can’t deal with or understand. How reasonable is it to expect when you communicate with your partner that something is going to change?
It is not reasonable. Don’t have an expectation that the partner is going to change.Nothing ever happens without a mutual agreement and each person gets to be a master or a victim in any given moment. Click To Tweet
What do you do? You’ve got to change yourself. I knew you were going to say that.
It’s because it’s the only place that change can occur is in you.
Why do we talk to someone?
Because it helps us feel better sharing what’s going on. Sometimes people do things unconsciously that they don’t know that they’re doing that. Being aware of that occurring, they may make a different choice. They may want to make a different choice, but they won’t because they’re going to be one-up on you. “I’ll show you no chance I’m changing.” They may go, “I didn’t realize that I was doing it.” I do want to digress back to the things that you were saying. Everything that you were speaking, the way you were speaking, it was all blame, attack and victimization.
I’m sitting here thinking that. That’s the reality of the situation. Two people are in a place where the person who’s being abused is not in a good place. What can we realistically expect?
You cannot be abused. That is a way you’re choosing to frame a situation that’s going on. Way back at the beginning here, we talked about that there are certain principles or certain things that are critical for a person to understand. First of all, your vibration and the way you perceive things are going to have a 100% impact on whether you’re happy, sad, mad or glad. If you are in a place of the victim, your vibration is low, your attitude is down and you’re not going to perceive what anybody does, even if it’s something nice from a particularly great place. The other thing is that if you find somebody blaming you, at that moment you have the ability to rise up and go, “That person is really hurting internally.” You don’t say it to them because they’ll probably smack you because they’re not ready to admit that or they may not even know that.
Inside you can sink into your heart and open your heart up and say, “I see that you’re really upset.” That’s all you have to say. “I’m perceiving that something is disturbing you.” If you’re in a clear, powerful place, you can say, “Tell me more about it.” This person may dump all over you. If you’re in a clear enough place and you know how it works, meaning that they’re not upset with you. They’re upset with what they’re experiencing inside of themselves, then you can be there and hold the space. You can be there and usually when a person’s in that place and they’re pretty fired up, it’s important not to fix it and not to say too much. Just let them go. Let them get it out. In the end, if you can keep your mouth closed, zip it and go, “I’m glad to know how you feel. I didn’t realize all that was going on.” There’s no fixing. Instead, acknowledge them for their feelings. They may come back and say, “What are you going to do about it?”
“Let me be with that for a while. Let things settle down and we’ll see where things go. I’m glad you told me how you feel.” You’re not making any promises. You’re not refusing to do anything any differently because your job now is to do introspection, “Is anything that person saying is true? Have I been a little snarky? Have I been passive-aggressive? Have I done some stuff that might have activated what this person is now telling me?” Nothing ever happens without a mutual agreement and each person gets to be a master or a victim in any given moment. You have an opportunity to not sit there in your high horse arrogance and say, “They’re really activated. I’ll sit here and hold the space because I’m so awesome and I can do that. Maybe they’ll get over it and if they don’t, whatever.”
It’s not about that. It’s about feeling and being aware that this person is hurting. They don’t know how to deal with it any better than they are right now. They’re giving you an opportunity to see if there’s something going on inside of you. If you are triggered, it’s going on inside of you. If you are triggered about anything, it means that they opened up a wound for you or pulled the scab off of something. It might have been from long ago, it may have nothing to do with this person, but it’s there for you. If you can sit there and truly allow yourself to be with what it is that they’re saying and you can feel open-hearted about that and kind, then that person will feel that energy most likely. It depends on how they are activated and from there, they will have a chance to quiet down.
You brought this back to something I wanted to say before. I said there were two things. The second thing is the willingness or unwillingness to admit it. It’s a line in the sand where, “I only go so far. After that, I can’t even entertain it because I have to be right.” The question is how do we deal with bringing that awareness up to when maybe we can see that we have some work to do?
You come to our retreat and read these blogs. You come to our talks. You have us come to your area and do a retreat for you and you practice these principles. If you listened to every one of these and you took what it was that’s being expressed here, it would be an amazing change inside of your life, truly. It takes a very committed person to get to a place where they’re willing to accept that they don’t have it completely together.
You said something important, just reading one of these blogs once, it’s interesting, but it’s not going to do it. It’s going to need repeated immersion into these concepts and reading these blogs multiple times so that you can begin to practice what it is that’s being talked about.It takes a very committed person to get to a place where they're willing to accept that they don't have it completely together. Click To Tweet
I would like to put something out. It seems like we’re doing a little commercial here or something.
I don’t look at this as a commercial. I look at this as essential for people to make a breakthrough by getting repetition.
That’s good and that is accurate. I’m looking to work with a few great leaders to take these principles that are universal out into the world. If you’re a person that has a group of people around you, you have a following, you have a business and you have a practice. I would really love to speak with you about how we can make a difference in your life, your environment and the people that you know and shift the world. It comes one person at a time. When you know X amount of people, there are many things you can do to shift their lives into another whole place. If you’re frightened because you’re thinking they’re going to think it’s weird, let’s talk about how you can handle that. You can send me an email at Esateys@Esateys.com or go to our website and send something. Contact me. I’m interested in pulling towards me people that understand that the world is an amazing opportunity to love and be. We can help each other do that more profoundly than ever before.
I do recognize your passion for creating leaders and to take this work out into the world. Not because it’s all work, but because we can make it a real change in the world. Make this a much more beautiful place for everyone and for ourselves at the same time by raising our vibration and being in a place that we know will help everyone.
I would like to add in there that I don’t look at it as our work. This is universal information that has come through me with a certain way of framing that will resonate for some people and it won’t for others. That’s why there are so many great teachers out there is because everybody has their own way of putting things that will resonate with certain people. Before we end, I want to wind this up. First of all, if you’re with someone who is abusive, I’m not suggesting that you necessarily stay there or do anything with that, especially if it’s physical. I’m never an advocate of staying in a situation with physical abuse. I’m also not saying that it’s necessarily correct for you or anyone to stay in a relationship forever. Many times, we reach a level of completion and from there, it’s like, “I’ve learned so much from you and thank you for sharing. You’re gone and you start over somewhere, someone or in some other way.”
The other thing is that I do suggest that you follow the principles that I’ve suggested here about bringing everything back to yourself and stop trying to make a change over there. I shared this example on some other show, but I’m going to say it again. I would like to give you an example of how I’ve handled some of the things that have occurred for me. One of them is that Rafael drinks coffee and he walks down from the kitchen down the steps into his office. Along the way, he used to spill things on the floor a lot and then he would leave it there for maybe until the house cleaners came more or whatever happened. That was very difficult for me and I used to get triggered about that. What I heard was if it’s bothering you, do something about it. Don’t do something about him, do something about it for yourself.
What I started doing is I started cleaning it up off the floor. Now, I know some of you are going to go, “There’s no fricking way I’m going to go clean up after him or whatever.” I won’t say that I didn’t have a little bit of feeling at first. You don’t even know because I didn’t even tell you, at any rate. You didn’t even know I was cleaning up. What I did is I would go around and I would clean it up because it bothered me. After I did that for a while, what I’ve noticed is that it’s hardly ever there anymore. He’s either cleaning up after himself or he’s not spilling it so much, whatever it is. It’s an example of how I took it upon myself to do what I needed to do to create peace inside of myself. That’s what I want to get across to you. Be the person that you are desiring to be and make your life work the way you want your life to work.
Many times, we have to look at the big picture. Why do I want to divorce the man? Is it because he spills coffee on the floor? I don’t think so. On the other hand, a part of me wanted him to change so he’d be neater about that or whatever the word is. Yet, after many conversations that did not seem to be the case. I needed to do it for me. Think about a situation in your life right now where that might be the case with a partner, with a child or something else, and think about how important it is to you. If it’s important, get it done. Does it mean you don’t speak about it first? No, it doesn’t. If you don’t get the results that you’re hoping for without manipulation, screaming, yelling and blaming, then take care of it and get over yourself.
One last thing. Would you say this is an accurate statement, “Be the change that you would like your partner to be?”
I suddenly had this childhood thing. I was born and raised Catholic for a few years and I think there was something that said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It is like what you’re saying, “Do the acts and be the person that you would like the other person to be.”
Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and that’s really what you did. We do have a question from Janice from Taos, New Mexico. She said, “I read your blog about What To Do After Divorce. Although I’ve been divorced for about six months, I still am not clear about how to reenter the world. Can you give me some advice?”
Janice, first of all, I suggest that you go back and read that blog again because as Rafael was saying when we read something more than once, we understand it differently. First of all, we are not the same person that we were the first time we read it, which is why I listen to most of the books that I listened to, two, three or sometimes even four times. In fact, I’m re-listening to a book now for the third time and I heard something and I thought, “I never ever heard that before.” It’s phenomenal. That’s why when I do coaching, I record them and I suggest to people, “Please listen to this more than one time because you will hear it differently.”There are so many great teachers out there because everybody has their own way of putting things that will resonate with certain people. Click To Tweet
The second thing I would suggest is if you would like to reenter the world, there are many things that you can do. First of all, go find a Meetup in your area at Meetup.com.
You can find a support group.
It could be but I think Meetups are frequently better because sometimes support groups have this whole thing about you’re constantly reiterating about how the person did this. You have to be aware of support groups and make sure that you’re moving out of the circumstances and beyond it rather than just going over it over and over again. At any rate, Meetup is possibly going to be something. You have to go there and be very aware. Stay very awake and make sure that when you leave, you feel uplifted and better. If you don’t, do not return because it’s important that you enter a place where you are being elevated, not de-escalated.
Another thing that you can do is go to your local city and find out things that are happening. You can also do this on Meetup. There are a quadrillion little Meetup things. Let’s say you have a dog and you like to go hiking. Find groups that like to go hiking. If you like to bicycle, find groups that go bicycling. Get with people that are doing things that you enjoy doing. Find study groups that are going over books that are very powerful. Go out and do things. They don’t have to be related at all to the fact that you happen to be recently divorced. It doesn’t have to be about finding a new dating partner. If you want to, you can go to one of the many dating sites online, but six months isn’t all that long.
My support to you would be you get inside of you. I would write a gratitude journal every single day. I would journal on a regular basis to let yourself stay open. I would find things that brought me joy and I would focus on that primarily. Depending upon whether you work or not, you can find people that are aligned to getting out and getting up. When I say up, I mean vibrationally, attitudinally is self-development. Bring yourself to a higher level of connection. If you’re reading this, you’re obviously doing that. That is awesome. The other thing is we have amazing programs that would shift your perception about everything. Let me know if those are helpful and if there’s anything else I can help you with, Janice.
We have one main program which pretty much deals with many different areas of our work. One of the areas that are sold as a separate program or as part of a comprehensive program is the Relationship Reboot where even if you’re not in a relationship because you’re divorced, it will reiterate and help you to get yourself to a place where you’ve made the internal changes so you’ll attract the relationship that you want. That’s important. The part of the program is to create or reignite the perfect relationship. It’s something to consider. I really hope that helps. Janice, if you have another question, send it our way. We’re here for you. What is our question of the week, Esateys?
What if I kept all of my focus on my own personal growth? If you keep all of your focus on yourself within you and you stop projecting over there, you will find that your life is going to be incredibly more peaceful, more loving. You will develop the skills for non-resistive living more impeccably than ever before. What if I kept all of my focus on my own personal growth?
That’s a pretty powerful statement. Each time we do these shows, I have more and more fun. We really like being with you and we love to get feedback about the effect we have on people and what we can do to support you, so send it our way.
Until next time. Remember, I am you. You are me. We are one. Feel a hug.
Take care. We’ll see you next time.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.