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Mastering Conscious Compassion In Relationships
The Gift That Keeps On Giving
This episode is going to be about conscious compassion in a relationship. It’s the gift that we’ll keep on giving once it’s mastered. It’s so important. I know you’re going to get a lot out of this show.
Does that mean that I need to be compassionate with you because of the way you started the show? What’s compassion mean? What does it mean to you?
It’s hard not to judge. We have that voice in our head. We’ve done many shows about this and a good part of our work is about our judgments that keep going off and on and on endlessly without the subconscious part of us. The compassion is when we are judging someone, then if we can look and say, “This person did the best he can, he’s doing the best he can,” and that is one way in my view of satiating, eliminating the judgment with an understanding that we’re all human, we’re all the same and we are all trying to do the best that we can. That’s compassion to me.
Some people might look at that definition as even slightly arrogant like, “He’s coming from the best place he can and I’m glad I have it together so I can sit here,” from one perspective judge that person gesture those statements. Do you know what I’m trying to say? Do you see that perception?
I do. My answer to that is it would be great if we didn’t have any judgments of anyone, then we wouldn’t be our arrogant because we wouldn’t think we’re better than them or they’re less than us. That’s not the human condition, at least now. At least to have the awareness that when we judge someone, we can say, “I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve done the same things. I do the same things.” It’s not arrogant, it’s like forgiveness. Is it arrogant to forgive? I don’t think so. Compassion is a way of accepting someone else. Does that make you better than the other person? No, but it makes you accepting of that person so that you don’t create that hierarchy or that split.
[bctt tweet=”Choose to see everything and everyone through the eyes of love.” via=”no”]
Compassion to me is in a place where you recognize that when you pull back your energy from the other person and you stay inside of yourself. The compassion isn’t necessary for them, it’s for you. Compassion for yourself means that you recognize that you are or have been or will be in the place where that person is. That means to be gentle and kind to yourself and knowing that person is, for lack of a better term, a mirror of you, then when you are pulling your energy back to yourself and looking within yourself about whatever it is that they’re doing, that you have your judgment or your thought process or your sympathy. Some people go to sympathy, other people go to empathy. The difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is when you feel sorry for the person. Again, they’re less than you. Empathy is more aligned to get where they’re at because as you said, you’ve walked in their shoes or you’ve been in that place.
Compassion always comes back to self. Compassion is that you be gentle with yourself about how much you are, “judging” the other person. When you do that, you realize and you remember that you come back to whenever you are putting your energy out, if you will, over there, even though there is no over there, over there. Even when you become aware that your energy is appearing to be on someone else, then you bring your attention back to yourself and pull your energy back and you say to yourself, “How would I want to be treated at that moment? How would it be if I was kind to myself?” One of the ways you can do this is literally put your face on their body and you can ask yourself, “How would it be for me and how would I want somebody to be with myself?” Then you are that way with them. If you’re not able to do that, your relationship is going to be hardened. You’re going to build up walls, you’re going to find that you might be arrogant because you think you have your act together and they don’t or is that you’re going to do them a favor by, “Forgiving,” them or being compassionate, whatever word you’re going to use is.
Yes. I think your point about that when we say we’re having compassion for someone else, we’re having compassion about ourselves and that is right on. It makes so much sense. Compassion is an act of love of self because we’re projecting out our judgments towards others or always the judgments of ourselves. We project that out and that’s supposed to make us feel better, but it doesn’t. I agree with that part of it. There are many layers to this and it depends upon where one is at the time. We finished a retreat called Dare To Be Happy. We talked a lot about the idea of judgments and where they come from, our belief systems and etc. That’s something we can’t go into right now. The piece about compassion is that it’s another way of dropping the attack, in my view. It’s a way of dropping the attack, the judgment and being loving and one of the ways to justify that, if one needs it depending upon the degree of the trigger, is to say, “I do the same things. I’m like that, who am I to be judging?” That to me is the essence of this.
I said at the retreat we had an exercise and we were talking about when we’re triggered and what we do. One of the things that I mentioned was that when I get triggered at you, which happens once every six months. Whenever the answer to that is when I’m going to leave that one go because everybody has compassion for me. When I am triggered, the compassion to me, I consciously say to myself and sometimes to you also is that, “I am going to love you even more. I’m going to love you for exactly who you are. I can’t change you.” To me that’s compassion because I’m no better than you, I’m no worse than you, but I want to show the love and that puts me in a much better place. It’s selfish, it’s self-serving for me, but it’s also a wonderful way to create a relationship of caring and love.
When we are in a relationship, one of the things that characteristically occurs is that we, over time, start to build up a wall around ourselves, a protective shield if you will, because we usually will be attacking each other consciously or subconsciously and we don’t feel safe. Over time, we feel less and less safe. When we are doing this, what happens is we become hard. We become tough. We create a tough outer shell, if you will, to protect ourselves from the cutting words, the tone of the voice and all those things that we want to shy away from or shrivel up from.
This is other people’s response to us that we’re shriveling up from? Is that what you’re saying?
It happens on both sides, but yes. If we’re feeling judged, we’re in a relationship. Let’s say two people in a relationship and one person gets irritated and they say or do whatever they do to the other person and the other person then starts to build up a wall. They start to become protective of themselves because they don’t want to be attacked by somebody else’s emotions or belief systems or whatever it is that has them triggered. Therefore, over time, what happens is our wall keeps getting thicker and thicker. What also happens is the other person then starts attacking back and now person number one has now got his or her wall going up. Soon both people are walled up and they give up communicating. Communication is the number one issue in relationships. It’s because people don’t say what they feel. They don’t say what they mean. They make assumptions about what another person means or even says. They rarely will ask for feedback or something like, “This is what I heard you say. Is that accurate?”
If you fed back to people, you wouldn’t ever need to get to compassion. You wouldn’t ever have to do anything that looks like it’s different than what you’re doing now. If we recognize it and we agree that walls come up that would seem like it is making mandatory, the sense of compassion. What would be helpful is to start off with in this whole shift from attack or from holding our space and defending our belief systems to one of softness. If you remember one thing, remember that softness is the first doorway into a compassionate life. If you feel this sense of softness, you’ll notice that your shoulders will relax and you’ll notice that your breath has slowed down and you won’t soften your eyes, which means that sometimes they even get a little bit glassy or they’re not intense. These are conscious awareness activities that can help you know whether you’re compassionate to yourself or to anyone else. That’s a good test question, “How are you in the moment and how intensely do you feel like you need to be to get what it is that you want?”
Are you saying that compassion is secondary to our response based on where we are in the moment?
What I’m saying is that the label of it doesn’t need to be there. What is important is for you to make a decision. Who do I choose to be in this moment? How is it that I choose to respond? If you take a moment to ask yourself questions like that, what will occur is first of all, your knee jerk reaction of attack will not occur because you will break the pattern. What I’m saying is that you stop before you react or respond and you find out where you’re at and where your own feeling of safety is because that’s going to help you make a decision about how you be. Then that person will have an opportunity to respond or react dependent upon how you come across.
[bctt tweet=”Choose to love rather than be resentful.” via=”no”]
I do like what you said. It does resonate a lot in that the question of who do we choose to be in this moment? One of our basic core tenets is we get to choose, every moment we get to make another choice and the choice of how we want to be. Do we want to be happy or do we want to be resentful? Do we want to be happy and joyful or do we want to be vengeful? We have that choice pretty much every moment. That’s significant. When I was talking about compassion, it’s like when we’re in the trigger, that automatic response. When someone says something and you go from zero to ten in one flash second, then we don’t have a choice at that moment because our programs are sending us way off the ladder. The idea of things I talked about my definition of compassion, is a way to ameliorate that. A way to lessen it, to bring back to the center as quickly as possible. One more caveat I can see is that everyone’s different. That might be the way I might choose to do it because I’m a left-brain kind of person. A right-brain price person such as yourself has a different reaction to it and that’s a significant factor.
That’s true, especially the piece about in each moment. The best free will we have is to decide how do we want to be with what it is that’s in front of me? Remember, you are not going to have full control over whatever happens to you in any given moment, but you do have full control over how you’re going to frame it to see it, to experience it. That’s why whenever we talk about your soul empowered, that’s true because what you decide to do in each moment is going to help you create your future from that place. That makes a big difference.
What you were talking about, it’s like seeing things from a larger perspective. You’re in a relationship with someone, you’re with that person every day. There will be things that are said that maybe, “You’re not the kindest or whatever,” by your partner, either intentionally or not intentionally or whatever it is. We have to learn how to be in any circumstance and not be dependent upon that whole trigger thing. We always talk about one has to be aware of the bigger picture of how I want to be in this relationship. I personally made a decision a while ago after it finally dawned on me what I was doing with you and that is, “I know who you are,” and when I am not triggered or I am not having one of my own internal reactions. I love that and I want that and I want to continue the love, so I make a choice every moment that I can.
I say that I can because sometimes the trigger overwhelms it in the immediate moment. That I love you, that’s who I want to be and that’s what I want to show to you. I know from my experience that when I do that with you, it comes right back to me. You’re equally the same and that’s why I think we are able to get to this point. For those of you who aren’t, it goes back to what Esateys was saying before, “The communication between you two and what is going on becomes paramount so that you can discuss this.” The whole key is becoming aware. Aware of who you want to be in the relationship and how you want to be with your partner? That’s the first decision.
That is the most challenging of decisions because the personality comes up and says, “I choose to see everything and everyone through the eyes of love.” Then somebody comes up and smacks you in the face. All of a sudden, that priority suddenly went out around the corner. This makes it a lot more challenging to be able to live under those principles. Although I do think that that’s the most important thing. If you’re thinking about this on a daily basis, then what occurs is that it becomes entrained to the point where it is what you choose, “How are you going to be at that moment?” The more you are surrounded with people that align to your moment, the more powerful your life will be. Your outcomes will be significantly different.
I don’t want to take this off the track of compassion. However, when we talk about this, this is a matter of frequency. We’ve oftentimes talked about how our vibration or putting it in a non-energetic way about how our good feelings are? What kind of place we’re in? That will vary. The more that we can stay in a higher vibration and a higher awareness in a higher area or way of being happy, when we have those dips, it’s much easier to recover from them and restore it. It’s a homeostasis thing. We go back to the midpoint. The higher and the more time you spend thinking about these things, thinking about how much you want to love that person, thinking about how much you want to love yourself, so that you can be that with your partner, that will raise your level of happiness, your vibration level.
Then when you have those moments, you’ll have a dip because we live in this polarity-based system and that’s what happens, but those will become less and less severe. You’ll be able to recover from them much more quickly. That’s why it’s important that when you have one of those dips, if you can communicate and say, “I went off because I was feeling crappy about myself, but I love you and I apologize,” or whatever it is that’s real at the moment, being authentic is we’ve often talked about. That’s what’s important to be able to maintain that. What you’re saying right out of the bat is that you don’t even have to be compassionate because you are compassion. You are love. Would you agree with that?
Yes, that’s true. When people don’t feel that way, then their mind wants a how-to-get-there package.
I was going to ask you, what would you recommend to people to start that process?
I would stop now and make a decision about what do you want. What do you want the most? If you desire to have an open, clear, clean, communicative and safe relationship with someone, then be set in your mind. Recognize that your commitment is going to be open-hearted and compassionate, for lack of a better term. You will see that things are going to come up that we’ll try to seemingly interfere with that and yet, those are there as your little self-discipline modules. In other words, those are gifts for you.
[bctt tweet=”How we’re feeling towards our partner or anyone else in our life is how we’re feeling about ourselves.” via=”no”]
If you recognize, let’s say, that you choose happiness, “I choose to be happy,” then whatever comes up in your face that is diverting you from that, needs to be addressed until you can get okay with that. You could get happy with that or whatever the word is. Then from there you can hold on to, “I’ve decided I’m going to be completely committed to X.” Something comes up and you go, “How am I going to let anybody know that I’m committed?” What’s important is to have some of these tools down right in order. One is to have an awareness of what’s going on and to follow through with that awareness all the way through to the end, if you will.
On a practical level, you can stop what you’re doing and become aware of the feelings inside your body and notice where there’s tension or there’s judgment. They all wind up to the same thing instead of having a thought process about it. What if you started practicing some of these tools before you ever needed them? That would look like learning how to look at people with softer eyes. For those of you that ever done those 3D pictures, those people are good because they can see all kinds of things where it does not look there’s any pattern. The more that we are trained to look out of the box for answers, we become clear about what it is that we want to do.
Number one is to soften your physical structure. Relax your bones. Go through a little relaxation exercise starting with the top of your head. Relax the body as it goes down, so to speak. You can also become aware of your heart and let your heart speak to you. After your heart is done speaking to you, then you can create a visualization of seeing the person that you are most likely to go back and have a trigger with and see them in your mind’s eye. At that moment, you can decide how you choose to frame them at that moment, instead of looking at how you would have in the past or what’s your knee jerk reaction was for them.
When I first met Esateys, she was coaching me and she used that I had one or two issues about my mom. She used to say to me, “Put your picture on your mother’s body.” Knowing that all those judgments are judgments of myself. That used to infuriate me. It was like, “I can’t believe that you could even suggest it.” The reason I’m mentioning this is everything that Esateys said is important. When we’re in the heat of the moment, it’s easy for us to draw our line in the sand. It’s at such a level of the trigger, we can’t absolutely say anything any other way other than the way we think it has to be or is. One of the things I always say is when you’re triggered, ask yourself, “What’s my level of trigger?” If you get a high number, ask, “What is that about you that’s triggering it?” Bring it back to you. There were many ways. We spent a few days in our last retreat dealing with different methods. It’s a process and it is a process and a journey. It’s not going to happen overnight.
That’s an important piece. For those of you that read these blogs and learn of the tools that we offer up and you do it one time and you expect miraculous results, don’t. It’s not that it can’t happen, but the likelihood of it changing an instantaneous moment is unlikely. Based on that, you’ve got the opportunity to have your entire life changed by what it is that you are choosing at that moment through your perception. This is where you start to take charge of your life because your free will is all about how you’re going to frame it.
What occurred to me when you were speaking is and I’m not looking to make this into a commercial, but if you are looking to create that kind of change in your life. If you’re looking to be happy rather than to be constantly angry. If you’re choosing to love rather than be resentful, it is this process and I would recommend that you come and spend a couple of days with Esateys and I. We do periodic every few months retreats here in the Portland area. If there are enough people, we will go on the road to have a retreat where you can start the process of understanding who you are first and then how you can be in your relationship.
We keep these retreats small. We generally like to have them under twenty or 25 max because Esateys is able to work with people personally. We have tremendous results. If it’s not us, get yourself a coach who can help you see what you can’t see. When we’re in the trenches, it’s hard to see over the next hill. That’s something that I would recommend to someone who is wanting to change their relationship, who wants to be in love with their partner and, more importantly, when you feel that way about your partner, you’re feeling that way about yourself and that is very powerful.
We know that how we’re feeling towards our partner or anyone else in our life is how we’re feeling about ourselves. Do we have a question?
Our question came to us from someone by the name of Dan who we know. He was married and has been interested in this type of question for a long time we’ve known him. His question is, “When is a good age to be able to talk to our children about sexuality and what methods should we use to be able to bring them along and at what age?”
Without getting into specific details, Dan, I want to remind you that we take on 99.9% of our belief systems in the first six years of your life. Many people don’t start talking about that kind of thing until they’re thirteen or fourteen or something like that. By that time, they’ve already ingrained so many belief systems that you’re not dealing with a fresh slate. You want to look at what is it that you are feeding into your child in the first six years. Sexuality and what does sex mean, all of these things are important for a child nowadays. Because the faster they learn about that, the faster they start making decisions in a way that’s going to be supportive for them rather than waiting until they’re right up at six or seven or eight years old. Now they’re being told to do this homework about certain things and some children have no clue. They don’t even know to ask about stuff or anything else.
[bctt tweet=”Become aware of your heart and let it speak to you.” via=”no”]
One of the things that you can do is you can start speaking to your children before they turn six. Start sharing with them about life. You can use animals, you can use plants, you can use whatever it is that you would like to help differentiate between the male side and the female side. What does each side do. You can move into what is it that you are hoping that they’re going to learn or to get from that and then you can share all the things that we’re talking about here with them. Don’t assume that, “This is too over their head or any of that stuff.” The truth is that they will get it and they will get it fast. That’s something that happens.
From my perspective, from the male perspective, I had twin boys. I did have to deal with this. I want to caveat everything I want to say is that we’re all different. We have different religious beliefs and we’re not looking to say one is better than the other about sex or not. We take on everything from our parents. My mother in particular was prudish and I think my father was as well. That’s something that I could easily pick up. The piece here is to leave as much of yourself behind and give them an opportunity to take it all in and to make their own choices. The truth is they’re going to emulate exactly what you do and exactly the way you be. Kids are much smarter than they ever were and you can’t fool the child. They know exactly what’s going on. Keep that in mind.
The other piece that I have a big thought about is that getting a child and this isn’t exactly sexuality, but it is. Getting a child to be comfortable with his body so that when they become ten or fifteen, there’s nothing wrong with their body if they’re a few extra pounds overweight or a few pounds underweight or whatever. The idea of being comfortable and okay exactly the way you are is something in my view that is important to reinforce in children. How many times as an adult, body image is huge and to the extent that you can reinforce that they’re okay no matter how they are, that’s an important thing. We have to realize that if we ourselves have body images, you can rest assure that there’s a good shot we’re going to be showing that to them. That’s something we want to be conscious of.
Dan, I appreciate your questions and I invite all of you to ask questions about anything. We haven’t even spoken about this before at this point. If there are things that you would like us to speak about, please write and let us know that so we can accommodate you and we’re always looking for fun things to speak about at any rate anyway. That was a cool question and there is how to go about it and what exactly to say. We didn’t get to that now because I know that you don’t even have any children yet, but by the time you get them, we’ll have you all up-to-date. If it’s something that you need to know now or anybody else does, then let us know and we’ll go into greater detail about that.
The cool thing about this is that the whole way we approach our sexuality and how we are with our children is a microcosm of all the things we’re talking about in a relationship, about being authentic and about being real. They’re great questions and thank you again. Please send us your questions. Esateys, what’s our question of the day?
Our question is, “What it would take for me to choose compassion?” When you find yourself irritated, angry, agitated, triggered in any way, shape or form, one of the most powerful things you can do at that moment is to ask yourself, “What would it take for me to choose compassion here?” If you choose compassion, you will see that you are kinder to yourself and you are kinder to the other person and you remember that you soften. Soften your eyes, soften and become aware of your judgments. We’ve all heard somebody say, “Cut me a break, for crying out loud,” or you can think about that. Give the person a break. They are doing the best they can do at that moment and they’re reflecting you the imperfection that you’re not okay with. If you’re triggered by somebody, they’re showing you a piece of yourself that you have still the energy of non-acceptance with. Keep those things in mind.
What would it take for me to choose compassion? Remember to use it on yourself as well when you notice you’ve got that nasty voice going on or you’ve done something that you wish you’d done better or whatever. What would it take for me to choose compassion now? I am in such appreciation for everyone and the people that are writing to us and making notations and giving us feedback. It means so much to us. We are here for you and in service to you in the light of watching you transform yourself. If we can be a part of that on your journey, that is awesome. Please share these with other people and let them know what you’re experiencing and give them an opportunity to make a decision for themselves, whether it’s a fit for them. If it is great, if it isn’t great. You never know whom it is that would be so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to train and to transform themselves of some situation or their life by reading the words that are given here.
I wanted to mention, if there’s any of you out there who are dealing with a particular issue and would like some support, Esateys is available. She does private coaching sessions. We are going to start to be doing some online teleconference calls on different subjects so that you can get yourself deeper into the energy and the work that we do because it is powerful. It’s cumulative and it will change everything for you. Email us and let us know in any way how we can help you.
Thank you everyone. We appreciate you. Make this the most awesome time of your life so far.
We will see you in our next episode.