Watch the episode here:
Listen to the podcast here:
Profound Love Without Attachment
This show is about profound love without attachment.
This is a high bar we’re talking about. This is the experience that most people never get to. I know you’re capable of doing this. Unless you’ve done a lot of self-development and inner work and all that stuff, it means that you are embarking on a journey to learn more about what it takes to be in a true state of mastery. Anybody who can do this has done a tremendous amount of self-development work, a lot of deep introspective work, and has reached a place inside of themselves where they are filled with self-caring and self-love that overflows from them. When that happens, it means that you don’t expect anyone or anything on the outside world or anyone outside of themselves to create their happy, sad, mad or glad. You’re not attached to anything. Most people are attached to something or someone because there’s a certain level of energy that they get from that person or the situation.
People feel that they need that because they feel empty and void within themselves. They’re always looking for something to augment themselves, to fill them up and to make them feel complete. In fact, think about all the “romantic” things that are out there that say, “You complete me,” or things along with that nature. What that’s saying is that who you are as an individual is not enough. That’s exactly what the statement is and that’s exactly what 99.9999% of the people in the world feel. They feel that they’re not enough. They can’t do it alone. They are in a place where they’re dependent and codependent on everything and everyone.
What is important is that we do need each other. We are tribal by nature. That means that we are interconnected species, we are interconnected with each other, with the environment, with the plants, the animals, and all parts of life we are with and we’re intertwined with. We can’t live without any part of it. On the other hand, when we speak about what we’re speaking about, we can love all of those people, all of those situations, all of those animals, plants and everything else but we’re not attached. That means that if it goes away, we’re okay and we know we’re okay.
Are we consciously looking for something from someone or is it just a pure giving state?
We are always looking for something from someone until we have clear awareness. The next time you’re with somebody, just for the fun of it, look at what it is that you’re doing. Look at what are you saying and what is your intention for being with that person. Is it to shower them with love so they will shower you back with love? Is it to give them attention so they will give you attention back? Is it to give them something so they will feel a certain level of obligation back to you? I’m not saying that every single person does this on a conscious level, but on an unconscious level, we are always looking to gain something. There is a purpose behind everything we do. Your thoughts may be thinking, “What about somebody who’s not nice to another person? What are they trying to get?” This is an interesting thing. Think about this. When somebody is not nice to someone, what occurs?There is a purpose behind everything we do. We are always looking to gain something. Click To Tweet
We get pissed and we get angry.
Our whole energy, our vibration, our attitude and everything changes in that moment. Are you in agreement?
Because we were expecting someone from someone else and they disappointed us by being mean.
Maybe or maybe not. Maybe it’s just somebody that we met, but the bottom line is we don’t sit there and prepare for an attack or for something that isn’t kind. Somebody comes up to somebody and they’re not kind to them. What that characteristically does is put somebody with the reactions that you were just mentioning. It also puts people in a place of defensiveness. It puts people in even the slightest sense of self-doubt. Their self-confidence goes down just a little bit or maybe a lot and their feeling of empowerment gets a little bit less as well. They start doubting themselves at a higher level than they ever have before. They’re kicking off all this energy that is not necessarily high yippee vibrating energy, but rather they’re putting off energy and the person who attacked truly is absorbing that and they feel one-upmanship. That is what happens when we get into competition with someone else or some other circumstance. It’s like, “I’m going to win. I’m going to show them. I’m going to knock them down and nobody is going to get in the way of that and I’m going to take over.” Think about that energy and what that’s about. It’s about wanting to get and get. We think we may be giving like, “I’m giving my best and I’m doing all of this.” Underneath the covers, there’s another thought process going on 99% of the time.
The default mechanism and the default mode for us are that we’re looking to get someone to get something from someone rather than just pure giving.
When a person is more in a higher state of self-awareness or self-love or they’re conscious about themselves and other people and their relationships, what occurs is they stop themselves before they go after someone. You can do this. Here’s a very practical way to be able to give yourself a little test before you say or do anything with anyone else. That little test looks like asking yourself the question, “What’s my purpose for saying this? What’s my purpose for doing this? What’s my payoff?” You may use whatever word you want to use. If you take a moment and you pause and in that pause you take time to look a little deeper into what you’re doing, what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling and what you want. Then you’re going to notice that a good portion of most conversations is manipulative without even realizing it. That is the dichotomy of profound love without attachment.
What are we trying to get? Are we trying to get upset? Are we trying to get the anger or the reaction from someone? How does that serve?
Sometimes we’re trying to get a reaction. Sometimes we’re looking to feel better about ourselves.
That’s because we feel lousy about ourselves.
If I can say something that makes you feel bad, then I can supposedly feel better about myself. This does not mean that everybody who says something to you is a constructive statement to help you grow, learn or whatever. That’s not what we’re speaking about here although that can happen, and you have to pay attention to the energy that comes with it. If you are going to school and you have a teacher that comes up to you and says, “That paper that you did was quite phenomenal. There are a few areas that I think that you could create being better or clearer or more succinct.” That’s not a put-down. That is support for you to expand beyond where it is that you are.
Many people, teachers, coaches, all of these people are characteristically looking to give you ideas or suggestions or advice because they see some things that you can’t see. If you’re particularly fragile emotionally, then usually what will happen is you will find yourself getting defensive. You will be convinced that they’re trying to knock you out of the park, that they don’t like you, they don’t care about you. They want you to feel that you’re not enough, but that’s not the case most of the time. It’s that they are doing their best to give you some support to grow out of an area that you may be stuck in.
I’m hearing that this is more of a self-development to a personal development type of awareness. How does this apply to our everyday romantic relationship and how can we use it to be more loving? How can we use this concept of profound love without attachment? Why is it important for us to have a profound love without attachment in romantic relationship settings?
Whether it is a romantic relationship or not, profound love without attachment means that you see and are open-hearted with the person and you’re not attached to them responding to the way that you would have wanted them to be. I coach someone for quite a while and this person had been in a relationship with someone who was not particularly supportive and was not consistently caring or loving. In fact, this person was consistently inconsistent with that. Do you want to be with this person? The person said, “I do. I’ve known them for a lot of years, and I would like to be with them.” I said, “Can you be with them exactly the way they are right now?” This is what you see is what you get. I’ve known this person for over 40 years, so she had an idea.
She had to think about that. She said, “I know that if we’re together a little bit longer, he’ll start to make some changes because now I’m telling him what’s important to me and he can make the changes.” I said, “In the few months or however long it had been that you’ve been speaking more of your truth and what your needs and wants are, has that person changed?” She’s like, “Not yet, but I’m sure that they’re going to change those if I stay steadfast.” I said, “You are in love with someone that isn’t there. You’re in love with someone that you want to be in a certain way, shape or form and you notice it’s not working for you. You also notice that because it isn’t working for you and they’re not changing that you’re not happy so you’re rubbing up against a brick wall with barbs coming out of it. It doesn’t feel good and that’s because you’re spending your time hoping for or whatever it is that you’re doing to try to get that person to mold into your way of thinking, being, doing, looking or whatever it may be.”We’re responsible for what we experience, for what we feel, for what we do, and for the choices we make. Click To Tweet
That’s like, “I love you, now change.” When we get to that place, we have that expectation. We’re headed for disaster because it most likely is never going to change. We’re in that place where we’re not getting what we want.
Then we’re mad at them for not shifting. This brings us to a very important point. If we want our world to change, we’re the ones who have to change.
It’s up to us.
I’m responsible for what I experience, for what I feel, for what I do, for the choices I make. They don’t have to do anything. You know how many people I’ve worked with and say, “How come I have to do all the work? How come I’m the one who has to make all the changes? How come they don’t have to do anything but just sit there and be the rag that they are?” What I tell them is the truth, “Because you’re the one who’s not happy. If you think that they’re going to change so you can be happy, I promise you you’ll find something else to whine about, something that’s inside of you that you don’t like.”
Are you saying that it’s unreasonable to have an expectation that your partner will change even if they’re speaking with them, discussing how you feel and all of those things?
It’s important that you speak with them. Tell them what it is that’s going on with you, what your passionate desires are and what is critical for you. First of all, I suggest you do that way before you even get into a committed relationship, but let’s just say you’re in a committed relationship. At this point, it’s important to sit down and have the talk where you are speaking from your heart with a true sense of caring and a sense of love that says, “I do love you. The things that are going on are extremely difficult for me to deal with.” This might be mental or physical or verbal or sexual abuse. If you find yourself in a situation like that, that’s important that you get right down to it and be clear that either this changes or you’re out of here because standing in front of the truck does not give you extra points.
You know how many times when we’ve been doing our meetups that we get people to come in and say, “Should I stay or should I go? I love him, but.” We have that situation. What you’re saying is that if one can’t love your partner without attachment, without an expectation of changing, then one should not stay in that relationship.
I’m not telling anyone to leave a relationship. What I’m telling you is that if you stay in the relationship and you don’t change your perception about what’s going on, you will be as unhappy and more one month, three months or two years from now. In other words, it’s critical for you to recognize that you are responsible for making a decision. If this person never stops whatever it is that you don’t like about them, are you willing to stay with them as they are or are you not? When you get clear about that, then you invite them to be aware of how it is that you are feeling and what it is that you’re thinking and see if they have an open desire to work together to make the relationship work. I have another client that I’ve been working with for a long time. It’s very profound for me because she’s not happy, but she’s clear that she’s not going to leave him. I run across this a lot. I primarily run across this when women don’t have a profession, don’t have a job and don’t have the ability to be self-reliant or self-supporting so they’re going to put up with whatever.
They think that they don’t have that capability.
They have the capability, but it’s not in front of them and they don’t think that they can get it, so they just put up with stuff and they keep on expecting the other person to be different. When the other person doesn’t change or changes a little bit but goes right back to the old pattern when they get laid off for whatever reason, that’s where it becomes ugly. That becomes lethal and caustic even.
I want to shift this subject a little to the other side of the coin. We have often talked about loving from overflow. What I’m referring to is that we know that the change has to come from within us. When we can get ourselves to that place of high vibration and you just get yourself in your own place where you’re totally content within yourself, you’re happy and you’re clear, then you can give without that expectation and have profound love without attachment. Would you want to comment on that?
It is very true. When you get to the place of being so filled with self-love, you do that by being in touch with how you feel. How do you honestly feel about all the areas of your life? Which areas are you not comfortable with? Write down those particular areas. Under each area, write down what you feel needs or you would like to have changed. When you do that, you’ll start to see where you got a roadmap right in front of you on how to change yourself. You’ll start to make a difference in your own life by tending to your personal needs and by being in a place where you are doing what’s true for you. You’re not going somewhere or doing something over and over again which is just against the grain of what it is that you want. If it’s not true for you, it’s important to know that and notice what happens inside your body if you are forcing yourself to do something that’s completely adverse to what it is that makes you feel good.When you are filled up with yourself, you don't need anything or anyone to make you feel whole and complete. Click To Tweet
Worse than that is expecting a different result. What we’re talking about is that all the change is from inside us and it has nothing to do with the partner. It has to do with how good you feel inside with yourself and with your life and seeing things half full rather than half empty. Get into a place where everything is seeing from that wonderful place rather than the judgmental place. I often use the analogy of river rafting, which I love to do. When the water is low, which happens usually at the end of a season, we go along in the raft and we bumped into the rocks. When the river is high and flowing rapidly and we’re in the state of true happiness, we don’t see the rocks beneath them because they don’t appear within our vision. They’re underneath us and they’re in a different plane. That expectation of getting someone to be the way you are has to happen. There can’t be an expectation. It just needs to flow from where you are and that’s the way it is. I love it and it’s great.
That’s a big step for people. If they’re seeing something that is a big trigger for them or something that’s against their belief system, they are not able to say that so readily that you’re absolutely correct or accurate. It’s the truth and nobody else has the truth so they better get their act together and believe what I believe. That means that if you are triggered by anything or if you have a conflict or a rub, whenever you set in motion a desire to break that pattern, think of it as an endless tape. It’s just a program running on your computer. It just runs in the background all the time. When you hit a certain button, it comes right up on the screen and it’s showing you what’s been playing in the background. It doesn’t matter where it came from. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been there. What matters is, do you want to put a cog in the wheel?
Would you like to change the energy of what it is that you’re thinking and your knee jerk victimized reaction? If you do, then at that moment immediately go to the breath. We’ve spoken about the cycle of five breathing in through your nose very slowly to the count of five. Hold it in between your eyebrows or at the top of your head to the count of five and then exhale to the count of five very slowly through your mouth. When you do that, it interrupts the pattern. You don’t speak and you don’t do anything except watch the breath. In the ideal world, you do that five times and then you can start to ask yourself the questions, “What would it take for me to see this differently? What would it take for me to see this in a way that allows me to experience love?” You could go on and on about the ways that you can frame this and there are many processes that you can do. You are willing to give yourself to the amount of energy and time. You are willing to give yourself to the things that you hear and the things that you know intuitively are important, but you have ignored in the past.
This is where we begin, we stay and we follow through with because when we do, we start to build up those self-esteem points. We start to feel a lot more important to ourselves because that inner part of us that has been neglected for so long is now feeling like, “I’m getting some attachment here. I’m getting some attention here. When I’m getting the attention, then I don’t have to have attachment because that means that I am filled up with myself and I don’t need anything or anyone to make me feel whole and complete. Instead, I am self-sourcing. I am filling up, and I am overflowing.” From there, we are a completely different person. From there, being a completely different person, it allows us to allow others to be the person that they choose to be.
If things that you see in other people are not things that you like and you know that they’re not changing, there is no law that says you have to keep them in your life. You will still probably need to work on this somewhere along the line, but I am personally a high advocate of not spending any time in abusive relationships. I am a high advocate of getting support and seeing if that can be cleaned up between the two of you and then determine if a relationship is appropriate for you. There are no extra points for standing in front of the truck. Abuse is something that is very self-denigrating and very disempowering to say nothing of physically dangerous.
The one thing I wanted to leave you with is the question, “What is my payoff for being in an abusive relationship? What is my payoff for being in any kind of relationship that I am not happy?” I know there are all these other factors that you were talking about with the people. They don’t think they can support themselves or their children or any of those things. It becomes a question of love of self and the payoff that one is getting by staying there and what the attachment to the abuses if there is such abuse or whatever is creating that conflict.
It’s many times very hard to see our payoff when we’re so ensconced in it. Usually, it comes from a deep subconscious place that people don’t even believe. I help people see certain things in their lives and they go, “That’s not true. I’ve always loved myself.” Almost always, abuse has to do with the feeling of not being worthy enough to receive love or they have connected abuse to love. How many times have you heard that a parent says to a child as they’re beating the living out of them, “I’m only beating you because I love you?” There’s a piece of the brain that takes that on as loud so I can see that abusing and hitting has a lot to do with loving. I can do that. We grow up and beat our own kids or whatever the case may be. There are many facets to this, and it is something that I work with. If any of you have those kinds of things in your childhood or whether you do or you don’t, if you’ve got certain characteristically issues, then there’s something going on. If you’re afraid of relationship, if you’re in an abusive relationship, if you’re afraid of about anything, if you’ve got weight, it doesn’t matter what it is. We are almost always protecting ourselves from what it is that we have somewhere in your backpack.
In your coaching, where would you start looking at how to help someone who’s having these kinds of issues that you were just describing?
The first thing that I would do is I would have them look at it so they can see it. Sometimes I’ll do inner child work with them and have them reconstructed. Sometimes I have them just look at it. Sometimes I’ll give them different processes to do. Sometimes I’ll have them write about it. It depends on the person and the situation.
Do you have any last thoughts on this subject?
The only thing that I would leave everyone with is to focus on how you feel about yourself. Listen to your inner voice and that inner critic. Notice what kind of stuff you hear or what kinds of things you say to yourself out loud or internally. It’s stunning. I listened to people and they go, “That was so stupid. I’m such a jerk.” I hear things that make me want to cringe. Those are clues that self-love is not the most paramount thing in your life. That’s something to make a very high priority.
Here’s a question from Cleveland, Ohio, “I am married to one of those guys that don’t listen and more importantly, doesn’t talk about what’s on his mind or how he feels. I don’t know if I can take it anymore. Please help me.” That’s a pure SOS. Our hearts are out to you.Energy never leaves its source. When you are putting out the best for everything and everyone, that's what comes back to you. Click To Tweet
This is amazingly common and it is extremely difficult. We, women, are chatty. We’re open-minded and open-hearted. I know many women that are married to the very description of what it is that you are speaking about here. It’s challenging and there are some things for you to consider. You cannot make other people be what you would like them to be. On the other hand, if you can sit down and have a strong heart to heart with your partner or who it is that you’re speaking about, tell them that it’s important to you that you have a conversation. Tell them that it’s important to you that you speak to each other about what’s going on and ask them how they feel about that. Depending upon the degree of the door that’s open or close, you may find that he’ll say something like, “I don’t know. I tell you what’s on my mind. What’s going on with you?” You might have somebody who will say, “I never thought about it that way.” It depends on the kind of person that you’re with. In my personal experience, relationships like this need some third-party support. Many times, the guy doesn’t want to get some support.
What would be helpful for them is to understand the way that women are and the way that men are. You could perhaps buy the program that we have, Relationship Reboot System. It would help open up some things that you are experiencing. You could listen to it together perhaps and that might be helpful. The other thing is to find somebody that you could speak to. If he won’t go, you go because you’re the one who’s hurting. Many times, the person who’s not like you will be the person who doesn’t think there’s a problem and doesn’t even know it. They’re not consciously hurting, but you are. This is about self-caring and self-love. One of the things that you can also do is learn how to ask gentle but powerful questions like, “What happened in your life? What happened at work? How are you feeling?” They’ll say, “I think I had a good day.” Thinking is not like a feeling. Feelings felt comfortable and it felt agitating. Sometimes that person will pick up on that because a lot of times people are the way they are because they don’t know they have another choice. They don’t know what they don’t know.
Many times, women expect these other people to read their minds and to pick it up somehow intuitively or whatever. I can remember years ago when I used to think, “I don’t want to tell him what it is that I want. He should know that.” We think, “If I tell him, it doesn’t count. If I have to tell him, it’s not as important and it’s not as good. They must not mean it. They’re only doing it to pacify me or satisfy me.” Be happy that they are willing to do that. Help them become more educated on how to be in a relationship. There’s no manual that came with the wedding vows most of the time. Therefore, it’s critical that you become educated and he becomes educated. If he won’t, you do. That’s where coaching or listening to some audio or reading books together come. If he’s not willing to do that, get some personal support and that will help you know how to better deal with that.
All of these things that you say is true and they’re exactly as they are in your perception. He does not have that perception or may have no perception. The biggest takeaway here is that to have the compassion to understand that he may not know what he doesn’t know. He may not be aware enough to even know that there’s a problem. When you have that conversation, it comes out of the blue and he’s thinking, “Where did this come from?” My support here is to have compassion when you have that conversation and continue to have the conversation because he may just not know it. He may have programs that are deeply ingrained that keeps coming out of the backpack. Have the compassionate love and approach it from that point of view, not just like, “He’s doing something bad,” or whatever it is you could conjure up in your mind. If you are hurt, it would be easy for you to come up with negative things to say rather than to come from compassionate love, which is what you have for him. When you understand, it may not be his fault. It’s his responsibility to change but he may just not know it.
What would my life look and feel like if I chose profound love without attachment? You may be thinking, “This is too far out of my wheelhouse.” I want to remind you that when you state these questions, your mind is amazing. It’s the most powerful search engine ever and it puts Google to shame. That means that you ask this question and just watch and see what occurs in your life. What would my life look and feel like if I chose profound love without attachment? You can use this statement just as one of your regular morning self-question before you get your day started and just put it out there or before you go to sleep at night. Just allow that intention to go out into the universe without thinking of some specific answer to that. Let’s see what happens and report to us. Get some comments down here on this blog.
We want comments. It’s been a great show. I’m happy that we talked about this so important profound love without attachment. It goes so deep and has so many tentacles into our own being and our own happiness. The most awesome part of it and the scariest part is that it attacks or it assaults our backpack of programs.
I do a year-long program. I’ve done that for several years. One of the persons who’s taken it twice said, “That profound love without attachment thing you’ve been talking about for so long, I’m experiencing that a good portion of the time.” That was so exciting to hear. She named off several things about her daughter and her son-in-law and some doctor or somebody else that she ran into. She could have gone into a different place with but she said, “I chose to say I’m going to love him even more.” In doing that, she’s putting out the love. Remember that energy never leaves its source so when you are putting out the best for everything and everyone, that’s what comes back to you. That’s what creates the life that you love to live.
Love yourself and remember that’s the most important thing you can do for yourself, for your relationship or anything. Love yourself for who you are. Have compassion and understand you’re doing the best you can.
I love you all so much.
We wish you to have a great time. We’ll see you next time.
We’re looking forward to it. Feel a hug.
Our show next time is, “Is it better to be right or happy?” Think about that. That’s going to be a fun show. Take care and we’ll see you next time.
- Relationships Done Different Facebook
- Relationships Done Different Twitter
- Relationships Done Different YouTube
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.