Life cannot be wonderful if we constantly live in fear. In this episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner tackle the biggest fears in relationships and talk about the core issues why people have these. As they share some tips on how to conquer these fears, they also touch on the roles establishing positive relationships, personal development, and self-awareness play in shifting our life.
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The Biggest Fear We Have In Any Relationship
How are you doing, Esateys?
I wanted to share something with the audience because several of you have asked and many of you have sent me lots of loving support. I had surgery on my knee for a double torn meniscus and I am doing awesome. I’m going back from my post-op appointment. Pretty soon, I will be back to being able to do the things that I used to do. I had it done because I used to be a runner. I exercise way too much according to my body and it wore out there. We got it repaired and hopefully, I’ll be back to doing marathons. Not really, I’m not going to do running. I’m not pushing it.
Did you get any messages and insights from this whole experience?
Yes, listen to your body. I’m not good at that. I’m good at that except sometimes I do push my body farther than it ought to be.
What would you have done differently?
Probably when I tore it the first time in 2015, I wouldn’t have continued to do things when I was in so much pain, like walking on the treadmill as hard and as fast as I did.
We’ve changed the name of the podcast to Confessions by Esateys, What Not To Do. The good news is she’s standing and she’s doing great.
I have a good idea. We could create little things in this podcast that are called Moments of Transparency and we could share our personal stuff like this. What do you think of that? You think that would have any value if we shared more of our own things that we go through. If you think that’s a great idea or if you could find value in it, then let me know. Send me an email at Esateys@Esateys.com or send me a smoke signal.
If anybody wants to share any of their transparent moments, that would be awesome.The main core fear in people is not being loved. Click To Tweet
That’s a good idea. We only hide what it is that we are fearful about and that takes us into our subject beautifully. What an awesome segue and I didn’t even know it.
The universe is always conspiring.
We’re talking about the biggest fear in any relationship. The reason that we don’t speak about what’s going on with us generally is because we’re afraid. We’re afraid that people will judge us. We’re afraid that we’re going to look weak or something like that. This is especially true of those of you that are teachers or that hold a space of authority in your work, even in your personal relationship, your home or with your children. When I was growing up, we are all stunned. I have ten brothers and sisters. Seven of them are true blood brothers and sisters. Four of them were adopted. The point is that when I was growing up, I didn’t even think about asking my mother things. None of us children did that because the only thing we knew about our mom was that she was adopted. I think her adopted mother died when she was thirteen or something like that.
To this day, we don’t know anything. We all talk about that and it’s because we didn’t know what we didn’t know, but more importantly I am sure that she was afraid to expose the things that were going on in her life. Where is the fear in your relationship? Take a moment right now. What do you think your biggest fear is? Think about that. This can be with a significant other. It could be with someone at work. It can be with any relationship at all. Take ten seconds and think about it. It’s the first thing that comes to you. Don’t modify it.
For most people, the first thing is that they say, “I’m afraid,” but a lot of times people say they don’t know what they’re afraid of. Let me tell you one of the main core fears in people is not being loved. If we take that out a little bit, that means that we are not approved of. If people don’t approve of us, if people look at us with judgment, if people have a thought that how we be, what we’re doing, what we’re saying, what we’re thinking, how we look is different than what they think it ought to be. They judge us, 99% of the people are going to make that personal and think that they’re messed up.
That goes to, “If you knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me.”
The biggest fear is not being loved and I’m sure that there’s probably more than one person reading saying, “I don’t care whether my boss loves me or not. That’s not what it is that’s important to me.” I will tell you that underneath, this is a core survival issue that goes on in most people. If you can’t recognize it with someone that came to your mind, like a boss or someone else, then think about somebody that’s significant to you. Maybe your parents, maybe your children. Maybe it is the person that you’re living with. The bottom line is we as human beings want to feel loved and lovable. Our biggest fear is not being accepted, not being loved. What we do as a result of that is we malleate ourselves into whatever it is that we think that somebody else is going to approve of.
This is pretty much across the board. It’s not absolute but there’s a lot of this that occurred. I’ve been coaching for a whole bunch of years. What I see is that especially in relationships, and it doesn’t matter if it’s relationship with a significant other or whether it’s like at work and even with your children, what we do is we put on the front. We put on the face or the way of being that we think is going to be most accepted and most acceptable. For the example back to my mom, she never brought anything up. When we ask her anything, she had very brief short answers. She had a lot of personal issue with exposing herself because he wasn’t looking like a certain way that maybe she thought we thought she ought to look like.
Is that anywhere in your life? Do you ever go back and visit your parents for those of you that are a little older? Suddenly you notice that here you are, you might be the CEO of a big company, you’re doing awesome in your life and you go back in with your parents, you suddenly become seven years old. It’s amazing to me when I see this with people and yet I’ve seen myself do this a long time ago. My parents are way gone, but it is something that happens. Another thing, here’s a good one, you are feeling upset with your partner and so you’re not even speaking to them. You’re grumpy, you’re depressed and you’re hanging a face. All this stuff is going on and then somebody calls. Before, you’re speaking to your partner like, “Whatever. I don’t even want to talk about it.” The phone rings and they say, “Hello.” “Hi. It’s so great to hear from you.” Suddenly you go from an incredibly depressed-sounding, mournful person to a chipper, “How are you?”
Who is this person?
What’s powerful about this is that when you realize that you have the ability to shift instantly, that means that you have the ability to shift instantly by choice whenever you want. When you recognize that, people will say, “I can’t help myself. I feel that way,” that’s not true. What’s true is that you can shift. When you start looking at your biggest fear, you can master that fear by shifting out of your fear. You can change the way that you think about it, for example. The minute you change the way you think about it is the minute that you’re going to be acting differently.
Another thing that you can do that’s very simple but not easy sometimes is to stand up, put your shoulders back, put your chin up, take a deep breath and look forward like a true master. Get into that superman stance or that performance stance where your hands are on your hip. It’s amazing what happens when you stand that way. Everything in your body, everything in your psyche shifts. What you will notice when you realize you could do that is how attached you are to putting on a show and acting like a certain way. You want to on some level punish or get a message across to your partner by acting like you’re scared.
I know that I’m talking about lots of different things at once. I want you to do your best to follow me because there are several points I’m making. One is that when you are afraid, you have the ability to change that. You can change it by changing your thought process. You can change it by going inside your body, sitting there, closing your eyes and breathing. Breathe into your body and feel where the fear is in your body. Where is it showing up? Is your belly tight? Is your jaw clenched? See where it’s physically being a messenger for you and notice that.
Another thing that you can do when you’re fearful is to literally go to the breath and breathe in through your nose very slowly to the count of five. Hold it at the top of your head or in between your eyebrows for the count of five and then exhale to the count of five very slowly through your mouth. If you repeat that cycle five times, you will find that everything will shift for you. Those are a couple of little key things you can do when that fear is up. The other thing is that you can bring into your conscious awareness that fear is always a protection mechanism. It’s always us trying to protect ourselves from something that we feel is threatening. In the case that we’ve been speaking about fear is that we are not going to be accepted for what it is that is actually going on.
Acceptance is the key in my view. The one thing that I think is easier said than done is being aware. I loved what you said about morphing. We morph into who we think we have to be and we do that instantaneously. The real key to this whole thing is becoming aware when you become something or someone else to be accepted. I do this with my son who’s 40 years old. I won’t talk to him exactly the way I’ll talk to Esateys because there’s a different hearing. I want to be heard and I want to get across my message. I’m tailoring it to the person to whom I’m speaking.
I thought I heard you say that you speak to him exactly the same way you speak to me.Get into that superman stance with your hands on your hip. It's amazing what happens when you stand that way. Click To Tweet
Not exactly the same. It’s totally different because I’m afraid he won’t accept or be able to hear what it is that I know you would be able to hear.
The awareness about this is cool. If you made your own personal development in your own self-awareness as your number one job, your number one priority in your life, did you know that every other part of your life would shift? Every single part. That means your job, your money, your income, your health, everything would be different because you would start to better understand who you are and how you work. My life mission is to better understand the human condition and because of that, it’s helped me be able to say, “That’s an old recycle program. It’s a thought process I got when I was six or ten. I don’t have to let it own me today, which is where all these things come from.”
Think about this. What if everything that I do, I’m okay with and I don’t have to censor it? What if I don’t have to censor anything? I know I jumped to the last segment of our show, but it seems like it’s so important because we’re living our energies over with the other person because we want to feel accepted.
That’s a good statement and true. I’m going to talk about another core issue of why people are in such fear.
Give us your second major point.
There are a lot of them. We’ll do two for now. Another one is abandonment. We’re innately frightened of being alone. We are tribal by nature and when we are afraid of being alone, we are frightened in a way that makes us become what we think other people think we ought to be. I have seen this so much in relationships that it happens quite a bit with women but it also happens with men as well. Not as much, at least not in my experience. What I see occurring is that women will live their life trying to be what they think their partner or whoever thinks they ought to be. They do their very best to look the best, to be the thinnest or the most beautiful, the firmest, all these core things so they can be attractive. They think that the attraction factor is going to make them whole and complete and loved and lovable.
What happens is that women, especially when they’re in relationships, shift themselves to however it is they think their partner would like them to be and because of that, they lose themselves. They lose their own personal identity, they lose their own self-empowerment. They find that it does not work well and then they’re so trapped in the relationship. They’re petrified because they don’t know who they are. They don’t have any self-empowerment to pick up and move along. Instead, they stay in sometimes an intolerable experience. That happens at work too. I work with a lot of business people and they’re in intolerable work situations. They stay there because they’re afraid of starting over. They’re afraid of being left. They’re afraid of being alone. They’re afraid of their money. Fear is a big prominent thing that dominates and controls our life.
What I see as a theme is we’re in a relationship where our energy is over there with the other person because we want them to love us, accept us and any of those kinds of things. It all comes back to the fact that we don’t love ourselves. We don’t believe we’re worthy of anything that they have to give and we have to do something to make us more attractive.
We think we’re not okay the way we are. As you’re reading this, be dead straight honest with you because nobody’s going to give you a test later. The question I invite you to ask yourself, is there any part of you that you would like to be different than it is? Any part of your body, any part of the way you speak, any part of the way you live, any part of anything? I’m pretty sure that 100% of you, if you’re straight honest can look at some area of your life that you would like to have be different. If it looks like it’s over there, it always stems from inside. That means that there’s something that we don’t feel whole complete and enough about. Therefore, we are destined to live in a state of fear. That’s what I call the game called life.
The game called life is about recognizing that we have a core basis of fear and that’s the role or that’s the way we’re playing it out, yet who we are is the love, which is totally enough. You can’t do anything to make that any more awesome. When I say the love, I’m talking about Spirit, God or whatever your word is for what you would call your Creator or source point or whatever. The bottom line to this is abandonment stems right from the fear of not being loved. When we are in a place where we are feeling this way, the only way I have had any results that have been valuable and workable and permanent is to go within. Go within and know that part of you, I call it the invisible you. Know the invisible you that’s perfect as it is and when that when you spend more time, maybe the best idea is to do that through meditation. Maybe it’s about working with somebody that can help you unravel the pieces where you have blocks and fears that are creating your discomfort.
We’re doing tapping EFT.
EFT is very good. There are a lot of things. The processes that I gave you at the beginning, those are powerful. When you are recognizing that this is something that’s going to be helpful, then I encourage you to take action. It’s awesome that you’re reading this blog. I’m so excited and in gratitude that you’re doing so because it helps you and it helps the world, but knowledge is impotent without action. It means that you’ve got to act on these things that you’re reading. You’ve got to take some steps to do something different because you will never have the life that you truly love. If you’re not doing something to shift it, that’s your part. It’s available to you. You’re learning things, you’re hearing things or knowing things, but if you don’t do something with them and you keep on living the old pattern, the old beliefs are dominating your life, then you’re going to have the same things come over and over. The biggest fear is that we are afraid of who we truly are.
We’re afraid of the magnificence of who we truly are.
In fact, I like to read something from Marianne Williamson really quick.
What I wanted to say is given what Esateys was saying about the impotence of inaction, pick one thing that you’ve read that sticks out for you. For example, a takeaway. Maybe it’s the way you are in a particular relationship that struck home. Maybe it’s about quivering when you see people and now you’re putting your shoulders back or any of those things. Make a commitment to take one of these takeaways and take action and do something different in your life. That will make a huge difference.
You don’t have to think about it. It’s an absolute truth.As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Click To Tweet
We do a lot of retreats and a lot of events. The events are always awesome and the energy of them are great, but when we leave that energy of the event or the place where we’re at, we tend to come back to where we are and it’s difficult without a follow-through or something to do differently that will make a change in your life. We suggest you think about that and follow through with that.
That’s great, Rafael, and it is why whatever it is that we do, we have a plan of action incorporated into that. You pull it together and you have your own system, your own stepping stone to what you’re going to do. Whether you do it or not, that’s up to you, but then we have all these other things that we provide for people to help them stay accountable.
The best way to do that is while you’re reading, don’t write it on a piece of scrap paper that you have around your desk or wherever you are. Get yourself a book, make it a journal and have those things because I guarantee you, if it’s not 100% right at the forefront of your awareness, it will be forgotten. If it’s written, you’ll come back to it. When you’re exactly ready, when you’re ready for it, it will shine and help you open up a piece of your life that you otherwise haven’t seen.
You can get a journal and make it your podcast journal. Some people listen to podcast while they’re driving or doing other things. You may not be able to do it right in that moment. If you’re committed to having the life that you love to live, then have it with you and stop and take a couple of moments when you get to wherever it is that you’re going or you get home. Make a point of that. I want to read this to you and you can Google this, Marianne Williamson’s Our Deepest Fear. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
That is so powerful. I’ve heard this many times, but the hair on my arms are standing up.
I recommend that you get that printed and read it every day because the biggest fear in a relationship is not any of the things that I’ve said. It looks like that, but the biggest fear is the one that I read about and that’s the important one to put your focus on.
As we’ve said often in our relationship work, it’s not about what’s out there. It always starts with you.
Come to our retreat and see what it is we’re speaking about. It would be so awesome to meet you. It would be so powerful to see you come in in one state of energy and walk out like a person that is so far beyond anything you could have ever dreamed or imagined. This happens every single time. We have this yearning to be with you and to work with you.
We’re going to go to the segment of our show, Ask E. We have a question from New Hampshire, “In your last episode which was, Should I Stay Or Should I Go? you talk to them about making the big decision. I’ve been thinking about it all week. It’s such a big decision. I feel trapped but I’m too scared to move forward on my own. What advice do you have for me?”
When you reach a place like that, what’s important is that you get support because one of the things that we spoke about is going on. First of all, the fear of abandonment, being alone, being left alone or having to do things on our own comes up big for people. They will tolerate things that are not necessary because they don’t believe in themselves. It’s that greatest fear of not understanding and knowing who you are. What is going to be important is for you to get support. I know that there are many coaches and people out there in the world that that can be supportive to you. I’m obviously here. I coach, we do retreats, we have many programs that can be very supportive for you and I’ve coached people that were committed to leaving their relationship an after they did coaching, they realized that they didn’t need to leave the relationship. What they needed was a headset reset.
For others, people then came to me and they were trying to work it out and they found out, “I’m not aligned. I’ve been morphing myself all the time and it’s not who I am and it’s not who I want to be,” and they make a different decision. it’s about you having the support that you personally need so you can be clear in your decision-making process and then be supported in making that transition be as easy as possible and that is possible. I want to support you in getting in touch with somebody that can help you because doing it alone right now is probably a little more than you’re up for.
Once again, I love the concept of morphing to be someone you are not. If you get anything out of this, consider and be aware of where you are in any of your relationships where you’re morphed, where you’re not who you really are. That’s powerful. That will go a long way.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.