Fall In Love With Your Partner Again
Hi everyone this is Esateys. Today I am going to speak about something that I think everyone has experienced in one form or another. You are really excited about your partner or getting a partner and then it kind of goes away. That passion, that motivation, all of that stuff seems to change. Know what I am talking about? There is something that is very important about this. The number one thing, the most important thing, you are going to hear me say today is it’s all about you. Now don’t stop the recording because I am going to explain this to where it makes sense. You are going to be excited to know this information because it puts you in complete charge of feeling however it is you would like to feel in your relationship.
For those of you who don’t have a relationship, listen in, because this is key to you. Those of you who have a relationship right now, how many of you started off with feeling very excited? You know those pheromones that get all of the sexual stuff happening. Get really rolling and then there’s the excitement of how beautiful their eyes are and they don’t seem like they can do any wrong. They could say, oh look there are mice crawling on the wall and you would say, that is so cute, or whatever. We see things the way we are and the way we want to see them. Not necessarily the way that it really is.
So, you meet somebody and you are desiring because, listen to this, this is a footnote, a big one in bold, because you are looking for something. You want a need met. We go into a relationship 99.9% of the time because we are looking to fulfill something that is not fulfilled inside ourselves. Not a bad thing. Just keep that in the forefront of your mind. Remember that I said the most important thing is you? It is about you. It’s about you being with another person and you being clear about how you are being with the other person and how you are viewing the other person, how you are experiencing yourself with the other person. So we have a situation here. You meet somebody. You think that they are quite wonderful. They seem to be rather humorous. They are attractive to you. Things are really going well. You proceed into finding that you have a lot in common. You are enjoying that and you proceed a bit further and let’s say that you move in together and you may or may not get married. The bottom line is you really enjoy being with each other.
When I said a while ago, there are certain hormones that happen in the body when we meet someone. That love gene, love hormone. It gets activate. It’s not just about sexuality. It’s about a sense of feeling loved, gotten, heard. These are needs or desires that every human being has. And when we first come into a relationship, we are trying to get something. Therefore we are a lot more attentive. The things we do after we have been in a relationship after several years are rarely like the things we did in the beginning. In the beginning, we hang onto each other’s words. We have new and exciting things to share. It’s like delving into an amazing book and you are reading page after page. Another adventure. Another movie. You are learning so much about this person. It’s intriguing and inviting and stimulating. It’s like, wow, Christmas every day. You don’t know what is going to be coming up next because you haven’t finished the book. Each person enjoys learning about the other person. When you are learning about them, what occurs is you are looking for similarities. You are looking for things that fit your own belief system. You are looking for things that will make you feel comfortable about what it is that you believe it. You are also looking for what it is that is missing in you and hoping they can fill that.
This is our evaluation process. We do this when we first meet somebody. We do this as we get deeper in the relationship. This means that when we are in relationship, that we are in a constant state of evaluation about what is it that I can do that is going to make me feel good. Some of you might be saying, you are making that sound really extreme like I am really selfish. No, I am just calling it what it is. I am a straightforward, honest, blunt person. There are no games or bs with me. This is the way the human mind works. I know a lot about the personality. I know about ego. I know the way humans think. I have been doing this for many many many years. It’s been my focus. It’s my motivation and passion. I have always wanted to know how things happened. What they are really about. I want underneath the covers. I don’t care about the symptoms as much as what caused it.
When I have spent these many, many years learning, including in my medical career, spending time at Patton State Hospital working with really interesting people. Comatose and catatonic states. I learned about the different extremes of the personality can work. The way the human condition really is. Through these many years of coaching and medical study, and experience with all of the different kinds of life, personal experiences, I can tell you that the way the mind works is a very fascinating thing to investigate and learn more about. I am excited that you are here today to listen to this. I encourage you to learn more about you. About the programs, beliefs and concepts that the mindset has. How it got there. Where it comes from. These are the kinds of things I can support you in learning more about. I have lots of programs and retreats and other things to help people know themselves. In medicine, there is an oath called physician know thyself. You are there to do no harm to people but to help them see what it is that is going on so they can be more of who it is they truly are.
We walk around in a fog. Like a bag or a veil. We see the best we can but we don’t see very well. Part of the adventure of life is to undercover. It’s like you heard about taking layers off of the onion. Piece by piece. You can see a little bit closer. Now speaking of the onion, the more layers you take off, the more your eyes burn. We start to notice the way we be with the things that we are doing. And when we start to know ourselves, we start to know what is keeping us from really being in love with our partner. So, let’s go back. We are with a partner and we are learning more about ourselves and we are learning about what they are doing for us and what we are doing for them. We start to see things the way they really are. After a while, it’s like you think, hmmm…this book is kind of boring. You say, this isn’t really cool anymore. Then there are little things that start to occur that start to mirror things inside of ourselves that we are not enjoying too much. Like they are judging us. All of a sudden you start to see the mirroring factor going on. They see in you what they really have going on in themselves. Now the fun starts to dissipate. Now we are not seeing that partner so good. Now we are starting to see parts of ourselves that we don’t like. We notice that we are grumpier than usual. The old example of he leaves the lid off of the toothpaste. She talks too much. She spends too much money. She doesn’t pay attention to me. Blah blah blah. Those little mind chatter things start to create a story and we build a case. We could be attorneys. Everybody. When it comes to relationship because we can build a case that is intense. It seems really real. So, all of a sudden, we are not feeling so loving towards that person anymore. They are doing this and doing that and they are not the way they used to be. They used to be kind enough to call when they are going to be late. They don’t bring me flowers. They don’t do this stuff that they did in the beginning. Isn’t that interesting?
What occurred? What happened? First of all, the personality, the lights new and shiny objects. It’s fun in the beginning but we become bored very easily. Do you look at our planet these days and look at CNN? I have become dumbfounded at the amount of data and overwhelm that we have going on on a daily basis. How many things do we need to keep ourselves entertained? How many things do you do in a day to keep your interest up? How many things do you search and google and game do you play? Because we want to be entertained all of the time. And if something gets boring, we just get rid of it. I don’t want to do this anymore. But what is really happening?
We are looking over there for our passion. We are looking over there for our fulfillment. We are looking over there for the stimulation so we can feel good about ourselves. If that partner doesn’t boom, boom, keep you entertained, guess what I am out of there. They are doing this and doing that and not doing that. They are a drag now. They used to be so cool, nice and fun. But it’s because of you. You have become less interesting in yourself. It’s because you have judgements and belief systems going on that allows them to experience that judgement. That energy creates a barrier. It creates a lack of safety. If you want to fall in love with your partner all over again, then it’s going to be really critical that you stay alert, aware, connected to yourself and see what is going on inside of you. Start to do a little investigative reporting on yourself. How often are you judging? This is your to do list. Just do this. If you had a little piece of paper, every time you have a judgment, mark it down. I hope you have a big piece of paper. And every time you have a sarcastic thought, just the same as a judgment, mark it down. Every time you think they are not doing something you think they ought to do, mark it down. Every time you find that you are feeling tight and unsafe, mark it down, and then ask yourself, why is that? Why don’t I feel safe with him? Are they saying things that are abusive to me? Is there an energy that is coming off of them that makes me want to cringe and shut down? Are they being so unconscious that they are not aware of what it is that they are doing, feeling, thinking, and saying? Very likely because what happens now becomes a push pull. It becomes a he said, she said, it becomes and I will attack you and you will attack back. That is what an unsafe person does. So where did it begin? Who knows and who care.
I had a teacher once who always said to me the wall is always on your side. Remember, the wall is always on your side. I really didn’t like hearing that at the time. 25 years ago, I thought, no it can’t’ be true because they are doing it. I am over here. What I realized was the wall was on my side. It was about me decided that what they are doing wasn’t ok, it was about me judging them. It was about me being resistive and perhaps even taunting them to come towards me with something not very kind. Have you ever noticed how you tease another person or you lead them in to not being very nice. Do you say something passive aggressive? Do you say something that is less than complimentary? Then do you wonder why they are not really very loving towards you? Hmmm. It’s an interesting observation isn’t it? Now this is really about self-investigation. It’s not about self judgement because that is not going to help much. You start to realize the way you be and you make a determination that it’s not the way you want to continue to be. Suddenly, you have something you can work on.
One thing I have spent my entire life trying to do is to get other people to be the way I would like them to be. I have noticed that it doesn’t work. I have noticed that it doesn’t work at all actually. The only thing it does is get me frustrated agitated, stressed and pretty angry at the other person for not listening to what it is I want them to do. I am finally getting that because it’s not about them, it’s about me recognizing that everybody has their own script in life. Everybody is living life the way that they find to be the best for them. My assignment, should I chose to accept it, is to be ok with life happening. I have said this before, and many of my teachings are in my other podcasts, be the eye of the hurricane. Be in the center of what is and not being reactive to what is going on out there. That is a mastery. That means when you are really ok with everything that is going on, you start to feel pretty relaxed. You feel like, life is working. I don’t have to change the world. I don’t have to have everything and everyone go along and be the way that I think it should be. All I need to do is pay attention to what is going on inside of me. If I am not trying to get the world, or my partner to be different, then I can feel pretty good. If you want to fall in love with your partner again, more deeply than ever, then fall in love with you.
Fall in love with the way you are. Who you be. How amazing you are. How original you are. How absolutely unique you are. You have something that no one else has. You have a personality that is beautiful in so many ways. You have a personality that you judge as not so great. You have so many skills and so many gifts, most of which you probably let people know about because you are afraid of being rejected. You are afraid of not being accepted the way you would like. Or being acknowledged for the way you really ought to be. When you start to look at the uniqueness and the beautiful experience of you, then you start to feel better. When you start to be able to breathe into yourself and your shoulders to relax, you can really be at peace with you and what you say and think and what you do and how you feel. That raises your attitude. It raises your frequency. You feel better in life, you have a love that emerges because the love is who it is that you are. Therefore, what’s natural in the essence of your true self, starts to emerge from you and it starts to overflow. When that is overflowing, everything looks cool. Everything is loving.
Have you ever noticed when you are feeling really good that your partner just seems like pretty awesome? Have you ever noticed when you are feeling really good that your puppies, and your friends are just like amazing? Has it ever dawned on you when you feel really awesome inside and your body is energetic and you are alive, and you have the feeling of joy and love, just flowing through you, that you are absolutely in a place of experiencing the world through the rose colored glasses. Are you starting to get a grip here on what I am saying? I am saying when you are in the love, when you are in the flow, in the joy, your partner is going to look really good. Your partner is going to look so much better and feel so much better. To fall in love with your partner, speak your truth, more profoundly than you ever have. Speak about how you love and how you love them. Focus on what it is that is really working in your relationship. Focus on the most powerful terrific things that you can find in your partner. Because when you start to do that, your partner will start to feel safer with you. They will start to feel that same experience that you are now feeling. That will help enhance their connectedness with you. It comes from within you and you are helping somebody else’s life be more profound than it ever has been before. Certainly since the beginning of your relationship. Wow. Would that be cool?
Sometimes, people just grow apart. They grow apart because their life purpose, pattern, pathway changes and they are now moving to the right and you are now moving to the left and that is ok. Sometimes, we have contracts with people and they just dissolve but you are going to know that it was meant to be because you will leave that relationship if you do, in love. You will leave or shift the relationship because you know that there is not an alignment but not because you are trying to get the heck away from them and their nasty ways and their bad attitude and all the things that you think are so bad about them, rather, you recognize you are just not connected in the same way. You are not aligned the way you used to be. You have different desires and passions, and purposes, and values. Things shift and sometimes that happens. It doesn’t happen as often as you think. What really happens is we become dissatisfied with ourselves and we start projecting that on our partners. We start to think our partners are messed up. When we look deeply, we realize it is because of us. We are not happy with the way we look, the way we feel, the way we are experiencing our lives. The way we are or not making money. We don’t like the way we feel in our physical bodies because we are in pain or are scared about something with our health. We don’t feel good in our bodies because we don’t look the way we want. Too old, fat and we don’t know how to deal with the process. We can’t deal with our children who are not able to be decent citizens in the world. There are a million things going on in your life right now that can really disrupt your sense of being in love with you.
But until you allow all of those things to occur because they are just happening, then you are going to find difficulty in life. If you really want to be in love with your partner all over again, or want to find a long lasting partner, then your focus has to be how you be and what you do with what it is that is happening in your life. Your mindset is going to be your master or going to create you being a victim. Which shall it be for you? You have the ability to be so deeply emerged in the love of life, your partner and the love of self when you recognize that you are the one who can make that happen by how you be, how you perceive and how you frame everything.
If you would like more information about this and other similar subjects please go to my blog at www.ultimaterelationshipacademy.com\blog
Until next time, feel a hug.
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.