There is always that honeymoon phase when starting out a relationship. After that, you may find your feelings sinking in. They don’t feel as strong anymore. You don’t get the butterflies in your stomach like you used to. You might feel like it’s ending. That feeling is natural and it is actually part of every relationship. What you need to do is gain that feeling back. Learn how to take control of those emotions and spark up that relationship once again. Soon enough, you’ll find that at the heart of it all, to fall more in love with your partner has to do with falling in love with yourself.
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Fall More In Love With Your Partner
I’m going to speak about something that everyone has probably experienced in one form or another. You’re excited about your partner or getting a partner and then it goes away. That passion, that motivation, all of that stuff seems to change. There’s something that’s important about this. The number one thing and the most important thing you’re going to hear me say is it’s all about you. I’m going to explain this to where it makes sense. You’re going to be excited to know this information because it puts you in complete charge, however it is that you would like to feel in your relationship. For those of you that don’t have a relationship, listen in. This is going to be key for you in regard to not only acquiring but sustaining a relationship.
Being With Your Partner The First Time
Those of you that have a relationship, how many of you started off feeling excited? Those pheromones get all of the sexual stuff happening. There’s the excitement of how beautiful their eyes are and it doesn’t seem they can do any wrong. They could say, “There are mice crawling on the wall,” and you’d go, “That is cute,” or whatever. You get the gist of what it is I’m saying. We see things the way that we are. We see things the way we want to see them, not necessarily the way that it is. You meet somebody and you desire because you’re looking for something. You want to need that.
We go into a relationship 99.999% of the time because we’re looking to fulfill something that is not fulfilled inside of ourselves. That’s not a bad thing. Keep that in the forefront of your mind because the most important thing is you. It is about you. It’s about you being with another person, and you being clear about how you being with the other person, how you’re viewing the other person, how you’re experiencing yourself with the other person. We have a situation here. You meet somebody. You think that they’re quite wonderful. They seem to be rather humorous. They’re attracted to you. Things are going well. You proceed into finding that you have a lot in common and you’re enjoying that. You proceed a little bit further. You move in together. You may or may not get married. The bottom line is you’re enjoying being with each other.We see things the way that we want to see them, and it’s not necessarily the way that it is. Click To Tweet
There are certain hormones that happen in the physical body when we meet someone, that love gene. That love hormone gets activated. It’s not necessarily about sexuality. It’s about a sense of feeling loved, feeling gotten and feeling heard. These are needs. These are desires that every human being has. When we first come into a relationship, we’re trying to “get something.” Therefore, we’re a lot more attentive. The things that we do after we had been in a relationship for several years are rarely the things that we did in the beginning. In the beginning, we hang onto each other’s words. We have new and exciting things to share because we don’t know every single thing that’s already happened. It’s delving into an amazing book. You’re reading page after page. Another adventure, another movie is happening. You’re learning much about this person that’s it’s intriguing. It’s inviting. It keeps you stimulated. It’s Christmas every day because you never know what is going to come up next because you haven’t finished the book.
Each person enjoys learning about the other person. When you are learning about the other person, what occurs is that you’re looking for similarities. You’re looking for things that fit for your own belief system. You’re looking for things that will fit and make you feel comfortable about what it is that you believe in. You’re also looking for what it is that’s missing in you, hoping that they’re going to be able to fulfill that vacuum. This is our evaluation process. We do this when we first meet somebody as we get further deep into the relationship. As we continue on, we’re still looking for this. This means that when we are in a relationship, we are in a constant state of evaluation about, “What is it that I can do that’s going to make me feel good?”
Some of you might be saying, “You’re making that sound extreme like I’m selfish and I’m whatever.” I’m calling it what it is. I’m a straightforward, honest, and blunt person this way. There are no games and no BS with me. This is the way it works. The way the human mind works. I know a lot about the personality. I know a lot about the way the ego works. I know the way humans think. I’ve been doing this for many years. It’s been my focus. It’s been a point of interest for me. Motivation and passion, I’ve always wanted to know how things happened. What they’re about? I want underneath the covers. I want the core. I don’t care about the symptoms so much as I care about what caused it. What is at cause?Part of the adventure of life is to uncover. Click To Tweet
I’ve spent these many years learning, including in my medical career spending time at Patton State Hospital, working with some people that were interesting, people were in comatose-type situations, catatonic states, and things of that nature. I learned a lot about the different extremes of the way the personality can work and the way the human condition is through these many years of coaching, medical study, and experience with all of the different kinds of life experiences that I’ve had myself, which had been a lot. I can tell you the way the mind works. That’s a fascinating thing to investigate and to learn more about. I invite you and I encourage you to learn more about you. Learn more about the programs, beliefs, and the concepts that the mindset has, where it comes from, how it got there. This is the thing that I do. These are the kinds of things that I can support you in learning more about. I have lots of programs. I do retreats and all these different kinds of things to help people know them.
In medicine, there’s a little oath that you take in. It’s called Physician, Know Thyself. You are there to do no harm to people, to help them see what it is that’s going on so they can be more of whom it is that they truly are. We walk around life with this fog. It’s a veil over our head, a bag over our head. We see the best we can, but we don’t see well. Part of the adventure of life is to uncover. You’ve heard the term take each one of the layers of the onion. You take it piece by piece. You go back and you can see a little bit closer. Speaking of the onion, the more layers you take off, the more your eyes burn, which could be an analogy for the more difficult it sometimes is to see yourself because we start to notice the way we are with the things that we are doing. When we start to know ourselves, we start to know what’s keeping us from being in love with our partner.
We’re with a partner. We’re learning more about ourselves. We’re learning more about what they’re doing for us and what we’re doing for them. We start to see things the way they are unfolding. After a while, it’s like, “This book is boring. I feel I’ve read this chapter seven times. It isn’t all that cool anymore.” There are little things that start to occur that start to mirror things inside of ourselves that we’re not enjoying too much. They’re judging us. Have I ever judged them? Maybe once or twice. All of a sudden you start to see the mirroring factor go on. They see in you what they have going on inside themselves. You see in them what you have going on inside of yourself. Now, the fun starts to dissipate. Now, we are not seeing that partner so good. Now, we’re starting to see parts of ourselves that we don’t like. We notice that we’re grumpier than usual.
The old analogy or the old example, “He leaves the lid off the toothpaste. He doesn’t pick up his clothes. She spends too much money. She talks too much. She’s always with her friends. She doesn’t pay attention to me.” We go on and on. Those little mind chatter things start to create a story and we build a case. We could be attorneys. Everybody could be an attorney when it comes to a relationship because we can build a case that is intense and it seems real. All of a sudden, we’re not feeling loving towards that person anymore because they’re doing this. They’re doing that. They’re not the way they used to. They used to pay attention to me. Now they’re not. They used to be kind enough to at least call when they were going to be late. They don’t do that anymore. They don’t bring me flowers. They don’t do the stuff that they did at the beginning. Isn’t that interesting?Everything is fun at the beginning, but as humans, we become bored pretty darn easily. Click To Tweet
What occurred? What happened? The personality likes new, exciting, bright, shiny little objects and relationships. It’s fun in the beginning, but we become bored pretty darn easily. Do you notice how many things you need to stimulate yourself on a day? Do you look at our planet these days and look at CNN and all of the things? I become dumbfounded at the amount of data and overwhelm that we have to go on our planet on a daily basis. How many things do we need to keep ourselves entertained? How many different things do you do in a day to try to keep your interest up? How many things on the internet do you search in Google and want to learn about? How many games do you play? We want to be entertained all the time. If something gets boring, we get rid of it, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” What’s happening? We’re looking over there for our passion. We’re looking over there for our fulfillment. We’re looking over there for the stimulation so we can feel good about ourselves.
If that partner does show up and keep you entertained. Guess what? “I’m out of here. Besides that, they’re doing this, they’re doing that, and they’re not doing that. They used to be cool, nice, and fun,” but it’s because you have become less interested in yourself. It’s because you have judgments and belief systems going on that allow them to experience that judgment back. That energy creates a barrier. It creates a lack of safety. If you want to fall in love with your partner all over again, then it’s going to be critical that you stay alert, aware, and connected to yourself. See what’s going on inside of you. Start to do a little investigative reporting on you. How often are you judging?
This is a little to-do list if you want to do this. You don’t have to tell anybody. You don’t have to tell them. If you had a little piece of paper or use your phone, every time you have a judgment, mark it down. Every time you have a sarcastic thought, which is the same as a judgment, marks it down. Every time you think that they’re not doing something you think they ought to do, mark it down. Every time you find that you are feeling tight and unsafe, mark it down and then ask yourself, “Why is that? Why don’t I feel safe with him? Are they saying things that are abusive to me? Is there an energy that’s coming off of them that makes me want to cringe and shut down? Are they being so unconscious that they’re not aware of what it is that they’re doing, feeling, thinking, and saying?” That is very likely because what happens is it now becomes a push-pull. It becomes he said, she said. It becomes I’ll attack you and then you’ll attack back because that’s what an unsafe person does. Where did it begin? Who knows and who cares?
I had a teacher once and she always said to me, “The wall is always on your side.” I didn’t like hearing that at the time. I thought, “No, it can’t be true because they’re doing it. I’m over here.” What I realized is that the wall was on my side. The wall was about me deciding that what they’re doing wasn’t okay. It was about me judging them for what it is that they were doing, feeling, thinking, saying or experiencing. It was about me being resistive and perhaps even taunting them to come towards me. It was something not kind. Have you ever noticed how you tease another person or you lead them in to not being nice? Do you say something innuendo? Do you say something passive aggressive? Do you say something that is less than complimentary? Do you wonder why they don’t love towards you?Everybody has their own script in life and everybody is living life the way that they find to be the best for them. Click To Tweet
This is about self-investigation. It’s not about self-judgment because that’s not going to help much. You start to realize the way you are and you make a determination that that’s not the way you want to continue to be. Suddenly, you have something that you can work on. One thing I have spent pretty much my entire life trying to do is to get other people to be the way that I would like them to be. I’ve noticed that doesn’t work at all. The only thing that does is get me frustrated, agitated, stressed, and pretty angry at the other person for not listening to what it is that I want them to do. I’m finally getting that because it’s not about them. It’s about me recognizing that everybody has their own script in life. Everybody is living life the way that they find to be the best for them. My assignment, should I choose to accept it, is to be okay with life happening. Be the eye of the hurricane. Be in the center of what is without being reactive to what’s going on out there. That is mastery.
Being Okay With Love
That means that when you are okay with everything that’s going on, you start to feel pretty relaxed. You start to feel life is working. I don’t have to change the world. I don’t have to have everything and everyone along the ways and is the way that it ought to be. All I need to do is think about and worry if you will, but not worried or pay attention to what’s going on inside of me. If I’m not trying to get the world or my partner to be different, then I could feel pretty good. If you want to fall in love with your partner again, more deeply than ever, then fall in love with you. Fall in love with the way you are, who you are, how amazing you are, how original you are, and how unique you are.
You have something that no one else has. You have a personality that is beautiful in many ways. You have a personality that you judge is not so great. You have many skills and many gifts, most of which you probably don’t even let people know about. You’re afraid of being rejected. You’re afraid of not being accepted the way that you would like or being acknowledged for the way that you “ought to be.” When you start to look at the uniqueness and the beautiful experience of you, then you start to feel better. When you start to be able to breathe into yourself, your shoulders are relaxed, and you can be at peace with you and what you say, what you think, what you do, and how you feel. That raises your attitude. It raises your frequency. You feel better in life.
When you feel better in life, you have a love that emerges because the love is who it is that you are. Therefore, what’s natural in the essence of your true self starts to emerge from you? That starts to overflow. When that is overflowing, everything looks cool. Everything is loving. Have you ever noticed when you’re feeling good, but your partner seems pretty awesome? Have you ever noticed when you’re feeling good, that your puppies and your friends are amazing? Has it ever dawned on you when you feel awesome inside? Your body is energetic, you’re alive, and you have that causeless feeling of joy and love flowing through you. You are in a place of experiencing the world through the rose-colored glasses.
I’m saying that when you’re in the love when you’re in the flow when you’re in the joy, your partner is going to look good. Your partner is going to look much better and feel much better. Fall in love with your partner. Speak your truth more profoundly than you ever have. Speak to them about how you love and how you love them. Focus on what it is that’s working in your relationship. Focus on the most powerful, terrific things that you can find in your partner. When you start to do that, your partner will start to feel safer with you. They will start to feel loved. They will start to feel that same experience that you’re now feeling and that will help enhance their connectedness with you. It comes from within you. You are helping somebody else’s life be more profound than it ever has been perhaps before or certainly since the beginning of your relationship.
I do have to put a caveat in here. Sometimes people grow apart. They grow apart because their life purpose, their life pattern, and their life pathway changes. They’re moving to the right and you’re moving to the left. Sometimes we have contracts with people and they dissolve. You’re going to know that was meant to be because you will leave that relationship, if you do, in love. You will leave or shift the relationship because there’s not an alignment. Not because you’re trying to get the heck away from them, their nasty ways, their bad attitude, and all the things that you think are bad about them. Rather you recognize you’re not connected in the same way. You’re not aligned the way you used to be. You have different desires, passions, purposes, values, and things shift. Sometimes that does happen, but it doesn’t happen as often as you think.
What happens is we become dissatisfied with ourselves. We start projecting that on our partners. We start to think our partners are messed up. When we look deeply, we realize it’s because of us. It’s because we are not happy with the way we look, the way we feel, the way we’re experiencing in our lives. We don’t like the way we’re making money or not making money. We don’t like the way we feel in our physical bodies because we’re in pain or we’re scared about something with our health. We don’t feel good in our bodies because we don’t look the way we want. We’re too heavy, we’re too thin, we’re too old, or getting old. We don’t know how to deal with the aging process. We don’t know how to deal with children that are complete, seemingly insane and not able to be decent citizens in the world. There are a trillion things that are going on in your life that can disrupt your sense of being in the love with you.
Until you allow all of those things to occur because they are happening, then you’re going to find difficulty in life. If you want to be in love with your partner all over again or you want to find a partner that is long-lasting, your focus has to be on whom you are, how you are and what you do with what it is what’s happening in your life. Your mindset is going to be your master or it’s going to create you being a victim. Which shall it be for you? You have the ability to be deeply ensconced in the love of life, the love of your partner, the love of self. When you recognize that you are the one who can make that happen by how you are, how you perceive, and how you frame everything. Until next time. Feel a hug.
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.