As humans, we cannot not judge. We have a tendency to look at something like it’s not good or it’s something we don’t like. Either way, it’s a judgment. It doesn’t matter whether it’s good, bad, right or wrong, it’s a judgment and that’s something that we do as humans. When we look at something we don’t agree with, it rocks out boat and we keep score. We do this especially in personal relationships. We start gathering our scorecards along the way and we’re judging people. When we do that, we hurt ourselves because we start to build up a wall between ourselves and others. We’re so strong about being right that we inadvertently make them wrong. The question is, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Listen to the podcast here:
One Thing That Can Hurt Your Relationships
I have an interesting subject for you: One thing that can hurt you and your relationships. This is something that some people won’t fess up to, but think about this as you’re reading this, you don’t have to tell anybody. The bottom line is, this is something that virtually everybody does. Let’s start with a basic. We’re humans, we judge. We have a tendency to look over there and look at something like, “You’re doing something that I don’t think is good” or maybe you are over there thinking, “You’re doing something I like.” Either way, it’s a judgment. It doesn’t matter whether it’s good, bad, right or wrong, it’s a judgment. That’s something that we do as humans.
We have awareness that we’re human and we judge. The things that we judge that are negative are usually things where we will look at somebody and will say, “They’re doing this and that’s not okay with me.” When we look at that, then we can look inside and say, “How come that’s hurtful to me? Perhaps one of the reasons is because if we think they’re doing something that’s not an alignment of what we believe, we don’t feel safe. They’re rocking our boat. What do we do? We keep score. They did this, especially in personal relationships. They did this, they said that, and they did it like twice now. We start gathering our scorecards along the way here in our lives with people and when we do that. What happens? We hurt ourselves because we start to build up a wall between ourselves and others. We are right. We stand strong about being so right. When we’re so strong about being right, what we do is inadvertently we make them wrong. There’s another mark. “I’m right, they’re wrong.”Right, wrong, good, or bad, we're living in this dichotomy where somebody wins and somebody loses. Click To Tweet
Our scorecard is looking interesting now and we’re watching it closely. “I’m right more than them and pretty much I’m right and they’re wrong. I’m awesome and they’re messed up.” That’s what we do on a subconscious level and sometimes it’s a very conscious level. What happens is that when we stay in that place where we’re staying right, we may stay right. The question is, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Being right doesn’t always mean happy. It almost always doesn’t because when we’re right we’re creating that polarity; right, wrong, good, bad. We’re living in this dichotomy where somebody wins, and somebody loses.
You’re probably asking yourself, “How do I not do that? There are ways that you can do that. One is make a decision. Decide for yourself that I’m choosing to let go of my judgment. I’ll tell you from my own personal experience, it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do because all of those things that we judge are things that are going to help us feel better about ourselves. It’s going to help us feel like we are safe and we are comfortable in our zone. When we feel that, we think that we’re empowered, we can take on anybody, and we can take on anything. We’re so good, we’re so right, and we’re so all these things, but it doesn’t bring us happiness. Do you need to be the right thing or do you want to reach a place where you’re cohesive with life? Cohesive with other people, aligned to them. Does that mean you have to go into their world and say, “You’re right and that’s great?” No, it doesn’t.
What it allows you to do is look back and go, “I’m human. They’re human. Can I be okay with their humanness? Can I allow them to think what they think without thinking that that’s better or worse than what I’m thinking? Can I stop giving my power away to them and saying, “If you think this, then I have to defend myself. I have to justify myself. I have to get strong within myself.” Have you ever spent any time with some deep introspection about that? I invite you to do that. It’s very powerful when you do. When you do, you’re going to see where you play these inner games inside yourself because when you are keeping score, you are not in a place where you are going to ever build a relationship with somebody. It will always build a wall. Keep that in mind when you’re doing your judgment thing, you’re doing your scorecard thing.
It doesn’t work if your desire is to be happy, if your desire is to be connected, if your desire is to make the world a better place. We have to do some things differently. You ask yourself the question, “What if I wasn’t right? What if they weren’t right? What if I didn’t mean to be right? What if they’re thinking what they’re thinking, I’m thinking what I’m thinking, and I know some of you are probably thinking.” It affects your life because you will allow it to affect your life. The majority of things that are happening in your life haven’t even happened or 100% of the time it’s coming from the past. Something from your past has created you thinking that if this happens, “I won’t be safe. I won’t be loved.”
One of those core issues is going to come up like a wild person who’ll jump frequently into survival. That’s what’s happening on our planet. All of the dichotomy that we have going on is bringing up survival for so many people. They’re frightened about what’s going to happen in their life and you might be one of those people. If it’s important for you to stand up and say what it is that you feel, then do that because that’s important internally. It’s like a drive. Can you do it without the rage and without all of the other things that go with it? Can you do it without making somebody else wrong, but rather saying, “This is how I feel.” Usually what we do is, “This is how I feel. You do not feel. You are not allowed. You are not going to be good enough. You are not going to control.”
We get into this thing and soon our scorecard about individuals, about ourselves, and about life because we do this with ourselves too. “I said that was good. I did a great Facebook live. I messed up. My lighting was off, my body wasn’t on the right place.” What do we do? How do we judge ourselves in every single moment? It’s a fascinating thing. When you become the observer of your life and you start to notice everything that’s going on, we are playing an interesting and incredible game here. If you can look at it that way, and if you can look at the role you’re playing in your own movie, you’re not going to be afraid all the time. You’re going to be smiling more because they’re going to go, “I’m going to get an Academy Award for the way I’m playing, and so is he, so is she.” If you’re willing to ask yourself the questions, “What if I wasn’t right? What if they weren’t right? What if things were happening?” Maybe your life would feel completely different.
My support to you is to allow for their humanness and allow for your own humanness, quiet down. You do not have to be so rough on you or other people. Take a nap. Take some peaceful breathings. Do whatever it is that you need to do to get centered in your moment and recognize that life is working. The universe is always conspiring to support you. It’s very important that when you do that and when you experience that, you will throw away your scorecard. You will start to dissolve those walls between yourself and yourself, and between yourself and others. You’ll find your heart growing and you’ll find your life changing.
I invite you to join me and making this a new day where we rip up our scorecard and we start being more connected with each other because that’s where life changes. That’s where life begins. That’s where the joy emerges from. I know in your heart and soul that this what you desire as well. Be the observer, enjoy your movie. I am so appreciative of you sharing this and putting this on your timeline which helps other people get an opportunity to perhaps view things a little bit differently than they might have usually. The other thing, as I’m very appreciative of you making the comments that you’re making because I love getting all the comments. It supports me in knowing that you’re with me. I love knowing your feedback that you’re with me, that you got it, you need something. Tell me what it is like me to hear about. Until next time, feel a hug and tear up that score card.
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.