middle aged married couple hurting relationship

Hi everyone. This is Esateys. Today I have an interesting subject for you. One thing that can hurt you and your relationships.

This is something that some people won’t fess up to but think about this as I’m speaking about it. You don’t have to tell anybody. But the bottom line is, this is something that virtually everybody does.

First of all, let’s start with the basic. We are humans, we judge.  Got it. We can’t not judge.

We have a tendency to look over there and look at something, they yell you are doing something that I don’t think is good. Or maybe you are over there thinking oh you are doing something I like.

Either way, it’s judgment. It doesn’t really matter whether it’s good, bad, right or wrong. It’s a judgment. That’s just something we do as humans. So that’s cool.

We have the awareness that we are human and we judge. But that the things that we judge that are negative so to speak, are usually things where we will look at somebody and we will say, they’re doing this and that’s not ok with me.

Well when we look at that, then we can look inside and say how come that’s ???? to me. Well, perhaps one of the reasons is because if we think they are doing something that is not in alignment with what we believe, we don’t feel safe.

They are rocking our boat. So, what do we do?  We keep score. They did this, especially in personal relationships. They did this. They said that and they did it like twice now.

So, we start gathering our scorecards along the way here in our lives with people. And when we do that, guess what happens? We hurt ourselves because we start to build up a wall between ourselves and others.

We are right.  We stand strong about being so right. And we are so strong about being right what we do is, inadvertently, we make them wrong.

And there’s another mark. I’m right, they are wrong. So, our scorecard is looking pretty interesting now. And we’re watching it kind of closely.

I’m right more than them and pretty much I’m right and they’re wrong so I’m really awesome and they are really messed up. That’s kind of what we do on a subconscious level. Sometimes it’s a very conscious level.

And what happens is that when we stay in that place where we’re staying right, we may stay right but the question is do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Because right doesn’t always mean happy. And in fact, it almost always doesn’t. Because when we are right we are again creating that polarity. Right/wrong, good/bad. We are living in this dichotomy where somebody wins and somebody loses.

And you are probably asking yourself, well how do I not do that? Well, here are ways that you can not do that.

One is make a decision. Decide for yourself that I’m choosing to let go of my judgment. And I’ll tell you from my own personal experiences it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to do.

Because all of those things that we judge are things that are going to help us feel better about ourselves. It’s going to help us feel like we are safe and we are comfortable in our zone and then when we feel that we think that we are empowered and we can take on anybody.

We can take on anything because we are so good. We are so right. We are so all those things. But it doesn’t bring us happiness.

So, the question to ask yourself is do you need to be the right thing or do you want to really reach a place where you are really cohesive with life, cohesive with other people?

Aligned to them. Does that mean that you have to like go into their world and say you are right and that’s great and blah, blah, blah. No, it doesn’t.

What it allows you to do is look back and go wow I’m human, they are human. Can I just be ok with their humanness? Can I allow them to think what they think without thinking that that’s better or worse than what I’m thinking?

Can I stop giving my power away to them and saying ok if you think this then I have to defend myself? I have to justify myself! I have to get strong within myself! Have you ever really spent any time with some deep introspection about that? I invite you to do that. It’s very powerful when you do.

And when you do, you are going to see where you play these inner games inside yourself because when you are keeping score you are not in a place where you are going to ever build a relationship with somebody. It will always build a wall.

So, keep that in mind when you are doing your judgment thing. You are doing your scorecard thing. Because you know what? It doesn’t work.

If your desire is to be happy, if your desire is to be connected, f your desire is to make the world a better place, we have to do some things differently.

So, you can ask yourself the question. What if I wasn’t right? What if they weren’t right? What if I didn’t need to be right?

What if they are thinking what they are thinking and I’m thinking what I’m thinking and I know some of you are probably thinking yes but it really affects my life. It affects your life because you allow it to affect your life.

The majority of things that are affecting your life A) haven’t even happened or B) 100% of the time it’s coming from the past. Something from your past has created you thinking that if this happens, I won’t be safe. I won’t be loved.

One of those core issues is going to come up like a wild person we jump frequently into survival. That’s what’s happening on our planet right now.

All of the dichotomy that we have going on is bringing up survival for so many people. They are really frightened about what’s going to happen in our life. You might be one of those people.

And if it’s important to you to stand up and say what you feel than do that because that’s important internally, it’s just like a drive. And, can you do it without the rage and without all of the other things that go with it?

Can you do it without making somebody else wrong but rather just say and this is how I feel? Because usually what we do is say this is how I feel and you do not feel and you are not allowed and you are not going to be good enough or you are not going to control.

We get into these things and pretty soon our scorecard about individuals and about ourselves and about life, because we do this with ourselves too. Oh, I really said that That’s really good. I did a great Facebook live. I messed up. My lighting was off. My buys weren’t in the right place. What do we do? How do we judge ourselves in every single moment?

It’s a pretty fascinating thing. When you start to become an observer of your life and you start to notice everything that’s going on, we are playing a really interesting and incredible game here.

And if you can look at it that way and if you can look at the role you are playing in your own movie, you are not going to be fretting all the time.

You are going to be smiling more because you are going to go woah, I’m going to get an Academy Award for the way I’m playing and so is he and so is she.

So, if you are willing to ask yourself the questions, what if I wasn’t right? What if they weren’t right? What if things were just happening? Gosh, maybe your life would feel completely different.

So, my support to you is to allow for their humanness and allow for your own humanness. Quiet down. You do not have to be so rough on you or other people.

Take a nap. Take some peaceful breathings. Do whatever it is that you need to do to just get centered in your moment and recognize that life is working.

And the universe is always conspiring to support you. Remember that.  It’s very important that when you do that and when you experience that, you will throw away your scorecard.

You will start to dissolve those walls between yourself and yourself and yourself and others and you’ll find your heart going and you’ll find your life really changing.

So, I invite you to join me today in making this a new day where we rip up our scorecards and we start being more connected with each other. Because that’s where life changes. That’s where life begins.

That’s where the joy emerges from and I know in your heart and soul, this is what you desire as well. So be the observer, enjoy your movie and I am so appreciative of you sharing this.

Putting this on your timeline really helps other people get an opportunity to perhaps view things a little differently than they might have usually. The other thing is that I’m very, very, appreciative of you making the comments that you are making because I’m loving getting all the comments. It really supports me in knowing that you are with me.

Because I am just here chatting and I just love knowing you are feedback that you are with me, that you got it. Tell me what it is you would like to hear about. So, until next time, feel a hug and tear up that scorecard.

Author: Esateys Stuchiner

Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.

Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.

Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.

For more information, go to esateys.com.