Usually we get into a place of hurting in a relationship because we’ve had some conflict, some disagreements, and non-alignment. When that occurs, communication is critical because if we cannot communicate effectively, clearly, and with ownership, without projection and blame, then we are not going to ever get anybody to hear what it is that we’re trying to say. When we want to communicate clearly, we take responsibility for what’s going on and we’re very careful about the words that we use. When you are communicating, you give up this blame and the projection and the victim parts, and use terminologies of ownership like, “I feel this way,” which is the opposite of, “You did this to me and you made me feel this way.” It’s not true and it’s not even possible because nobody can make you feel any way other than the way you choose to feel. You have the freewill to decide for yourself what you want to think, how you want to frame it, and how you want to feel about it.
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Hurting In A Relationship Part 2
Thank you so much for being with me here and thank you for being with me for all of the days that you’re with me. I appreciate you in my life and what I do is impacted by your participation in what it is that I’m sharing with you. We’re going to speak about relationships and what do you do when you are hurting in them part two. There’s more on this. Let’s talk for a moment about the last time that I spoke and it’s important that you listen to that recording because it gives you some very deep inner work. Some personal work to do that’s going to help you get to the place where what we’re speaking about is going to be even more effective. It doesn’t mean now won’t be awesome for you, it’s that if you listened to that one, it’s going to come all together a lot more powerfully. You’re going to see some underlying truths about what it is that goes on with us in relationships.
The last time, we spoke about how there was a possibility of a rift. Usually we get into a place of hurting because we’ve had some conflict, some disagreements, non-alignment. What do we do when that occurs is we want to pick up with communication. Communication is critical. It’s about the most critical thing ever in relationship. If we cannot communicate effectively, clearly, and with ownership, without projection and blame, then we are not going to ever get anybody to ever hear what it is that we’re trying to say. The walls go up and it’s just a block out. What do we do when we want to communicate clearly? What we do is we take responsibility over here for what’s going on and we’re very careful about the words that we use.
What we do is we remember that it’s all about us. It’s all about yourself. When you are communicating, you give up this blame and the projection and the victim parts. What you do is you use terminologies of ownership. What that means is when this occurs, “I feel this way.” The opposite of that would say, “You did this to me and you made me feel this way.” That’s not possible. It’s not true, and it’s not even possible because nobody can make you feel any way other than the way you choose to feel. You have the freewill to decide for yourself, what you want to think, how you want to frame it, and how you want to feel about it. It’s pretty awesome when you think about it. You’re a master and you have the ability to be in control. Most people don’t think that. They think they’re victims. They think that things that happen around them have nothing to do with them. They think that if somebody over there would change, everything would be okay. It doesn’t work that way. I’m sure you’ve tried it.
You’re speaking to somebody or I’m speaking to myself here about somebody who is a master at having tried to get other people to be what I want them to do. In my past, what I did was I spent a whole lot of time trying to control everything. I won’t say that I don’t continue to do that to some degree, but I’m clear about that. In my core, I know. I do make changes that you, too, can make on a continuous basis. You have to be in a place where it is your first priority. If you want your life to work, you have to make it work, and I know a lot of people will go, “I can’t. I don’t know how.” I’m giving you some clues here. You use terminology that’s all about how you are experiencing it, not that they made you do anything.Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Being right does not mean happy. In fact, it usually means the opposite. Click To Tweet
The next thing you do is you state to that person what you want. You may not want to say these words out loud, although a few are with somebody that you know well. I recommend that you do, and that is you say, “What I want the most is the love. What I’m committed to is having us work together and have it work out.” At that point, you can say, “How can we make that occur?” You ask them to contemplate that because what you’ve done is you’ve told them you don’t want to fight. You don’t want to be in conflict. You don’t want to be at adversity. What you want is a connection. If you’re with a boss or someone that doesn’t feel comfortable to say that, you can say, “I would like to get this resolved. I would like the experience where we all feel like we’re winning. How can we do that? What’s the next step using we could take that would allow us to have some of the results that we are both going to be happy for?”
What’s going to have to happen is you are going to have to decide to stop your judgments. That means that you stop projecting your stuff over there and you start looking internally and say, “What can I do that will help change the circumstance? What if I wasn’t judging them? What if I wasn’t making them wrong? What if I made the decision to be who it is that I truly want to be not that raggy piece that sometimes shows up and I was welcome to being human,” but that’s no excuse. Being human is not an excuse for projecting, for yelling, for screaming, for blaming, for fighting for anything. Being right. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Being right does not mean happy. In fact, it usually means the opposite. Think about that power of being so clear and so connected that when you are in a state of humbleness or you’re in a place of quiet, allowing the other person to have a say for what it is they want to speak about, then it’s at that point that you’re in the power because you’re deciding how the conversation goes.
If your ego needs a little bit of support with that, recognize you’re in control. You’re using different techniques to get what it is that you want across to people. You stand strong for the love. You stand strong for the win. You stand strong to help not only yourself feel better, but they feel great too because that’s the way you are literally going to make a difference in what it is that you would like to have occur in the entire situation. I had somebody that I used to work with. Some of you have heard the story. His name was Dr. Nick. When I was working with as a nurse practitioner, it seemed that we had this rub. He was always over my shoulder, always watching what I was doing. He criticized pretty much everything that I did and he knew that I didn’t think like him. We had different ways of communicating and our belief systems were very different. I felt like I was under the gun all the time and I was not a happy girl.
I didn’t know how to be with him. I felt myself shutting down. You know that feeling when you’re with somebody and you feel like they’re on you all the time. They’re hovering over you or they’re criticizing you even if they’re not saying anything. That’s the place I was in. It was not a fun place to be. I decided for myself that what I needed to do was I needed to clean that up internally. What did I do? Every night and every morning I would visualize him in my mind’s eye and when I did that I would see this energy or you can call it a light or you can call it the love or you can call it whatever you want. It can be a color, it doesn’t matter. The intention behind that is that you desire to dissolve the incongruences between you and that you allow yourself to share the love from your heart.
For me, I sent stuff from my heart to his heart and sometimes it wasn’t easy because some days he was not very kind to me and yet I still had to look at what it is that I needed to do to be responsible. I did this day after day, week after week. Then it even turned into months and then one day, I had a little note on my time card. In those days, you use hand cards. He said, “See me in my office.” I went to see him and he said, “I’m sorry but our clinic did not get the grant that we needed to continue on with the staff that we have and so we have to let 50% of our staff go and it was going by who’s been here the longest.” I was laid off and as I sat there in front of him in his office, he said, “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been hard on you and I appreciate all that you have done and I feel badly.”
By this time, I’m crying, and he said, “You are really, really, really good at what you do and I would like to help you get a job. I’d like to call this cardiologist and ask him if he’s got room for you. I know another doctor as well. I’m going to work with you until you get a job.” I’m bawling like crazy. Then he stands up. This was a big man, like 300 and something pounds, and came over to me and he said, “Can I have a hug?” I was so taken back by his open heart. The real moral to the story is that it is within you to make the difference of how it is that you wanted to be. All I did was inner work. I never said anything on the outer to see him at all. You can do that.
Another thing you can do is become very familiar with Ho’oponopono. It’s a very powerful technique of healing that works tremendously. It’s a great story and you will like it. This is your time to make a very significant difference in the way that you have been dealing with anybody that you have conflict with, especially in a close relationship that you’re not as comfortable as you would liketo be with. Give up being a victim and give up the idea that you have to be right and put yourself in a place where your greatest focus and your biggest commitment is to have the love be inside of you. That means you’re aligned to your truth and people may or may not align with you, but you will be in the core place, the eye of the hurricane. I invite you to contemplate these ideas and live them, work them, and let me know if there’s any way I can support you.
If you like to receive a free gift, then go to www.UltimateRelationshipAcademy.com and scroll down just a little bit underneath of Rafael and I and there’s a free audio. It might be a PDF or it might be an eBook that is about the eight telltale signs that your relationship is in trouble. You may not feel like your relationship is in trouble and that’s terrific but there are some very powerful tools in there that are going to help you have every relationship be improved upon wherever it is right now. Here’s your question for now. What if I gave up the need to be right? This is your opportunity to have the most awesome day of your life so far, the most awesome relationships of your life so far and the most awesome life that you could dream or imagine. I’m with you and until next time, feel a hug.
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.