Our careers may be fueling us to get what we want and need, but there are moments where we feel it is not enough to make us happy anymore. In today’s episode, Esateys answers a question we have all been asking our adult selves – what comes first, your job or your relationship? Find clarity on this dilemma as you go through wisdoms on finding the balance with your purpose and passion to your work and relationships. At the end of the day, you alone have the awareness to make the choices in life.
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What Comes First, My Job Or My Relationship?
This episode is going to be about your job and your relationship. The question is, what comes first, your job, your relationship or your career? Since I am a recovering lawyer, I was practicing law in New York City. I was focused on becoming a good lawyer. I spent so much time, even when I wasn’t working, reading tax journals because I was a tax lawyer. Careers, as most people know, can become all-consuming. The question is the balance. We want to succeed. We want to provide for our family and this is from a male perspective. I’m guessing from a female perspective as well. What do we do?
I want to make a very quick delineation between job and career. People that have jobs are people that go to work to make money. People that have a career are maybe doing that same thing, but it’s something where they usually have become educated. Their whole life is devoted to that and it usually comes with passion at least for a certain period of time.
That sounds a little optimistic. I don’t know if that’s true.
I’m going to differentiate this. We got the job where you go to work and you work 9 to 5, you get your money and you go home and you never think about it again. A career is where you probably work like 9 to 9 or more. It’s something that you’re building. It’s expanding on a continuous basis and becoming all that you can be. Your passion is where you are committed to doing what you do because you can’t do it. What I do is a passion. I can’t not do it. You could say this is a career and it’s definitely done for the desire to create income. The truth is if the need for income wasn’t there, I’d still do what I’m doing. That’s a test question for people. When you are doing what it is you love to do and you have passion about it, you would do it even if you weren’t paid to do it if you could possibly survive financially to do that. I wanted to set that up. Sometimes people don’t differentiate that. There’s a very big difference. It will make a difference on how it is that you be in your relationship based on how you are living your life in one of those three categories.
I guess the real question is, does it matter whether it’s a job or it’s a career or it’s a passion? These would be the relationship.
There are a lot of things that we would weigh. The relationship is going to be factored into your life, including your job, career, or passion, depending upon where you’re at in your relationship. If you’re not happy in your relationship it may be because your priority already has been chosen to make the money, build the career, live your passion. Whether it’s a passion or career, a lot of times that takes more time than somebody might ideally consciously choose 40 plus hours. You can’t not do that when you’re building something. When you’re in a career, you’re building something to become more educated, make more money, to get a bigger following or clientele or whatever you’re doing. Pretty much the same as true with passion. Although with passion, it may not matter to you. You just want to be able to express what it is that you know and what it is that you love. If your relationship is not so great, then you may put more energy into the job, career or passion than somebody else who has an amazing relationship.
We use the job or we use the career as an escape, to get what we want and what we think will make us happy. I want to take my example. Before I was married, I became a lawyer. I practiced law and that was a career. When I got into a relationship, the practice of law and building my career in a big law firm was important for me. Maybe it was ego or whatever but it was something I needed to do. I get into this great relationship and then how do I balance it? We can have a career without passion but is important to us. Maybe that gives us a passion. I was a tax lawyer. I love tax law because it allowed me to express my creativity and do some neat stuff, but it wasn’t the be-all and the end-all of my existence but it was fun.
It wasn’t your passion.Everything that is happening in the external world is something that allows us to be brought back into ourselves. Click To Tweet
It was my passion, but not a real driving passion. Where do you draw the line? That’s the question for you.
We’re turning this around on you. How did you do it? What did you do? Did one suffer over the other? How did you deal with the circumstances?
To me, I would honestly say that my career and building it, I wanted to be a partner in a law firm, I wanted the prestige and I wanted all of those things, that was a pretty high priority for me. I had kids and that was a high priority for me, yet I still work the hours and did what I had to do to create the career. Everybody who has a career like that and who has a career that takes a number of years to establish knows the dilemma. The pull between being at home and being in the workplace. I have to say for me personally, it was important to build the career. Back then, I don’t think I was awakened as aware as I am. I don’t know that I would have made the same decision, but I very well might have.
You’re saying that you put more time, attention and focus on your career than you did your relationship?
Yes, and I tried to balance it as much as I could.
Do you think that influenced your relationship?
Would you say that that could have been one of the factors that caused your relationship to end overtime?
I can assume that, yes. The other side of the coin is if I didn’t take the time to develop the career and nurture it and do all those things, then we as a family with the kids and everybody else, would not have had the financial success that we had that I achieved while I was in the law firm.
Since we’re having an authenticity moment, there’s a little bit of justification in there for you. If I don’t give to the relationship, then we might’ve been pouring on the streets. I know you’re not saying it that extreme, but the societal demand was a very strong pull. It gave you the rationalization to do what it was that you wanted to do. There’s nothing wrong with that. This is about becoming aware of what we do, why we do it, and then learn how to observe that without any judgment. Remember always that we do not know what we do not know. You were very accurate when you said you weren’t as awake then as you are now because it probably never consciously dawned on you the side effects of what might’ve happened unless you did.
For me, not a clue for sure.
The reason from your mind probably drilling you so hard on this is because you are a person back then that is a typical example of what happens for people that are out there in the world that don’t know what they don’t know.
I see that big dilemma, succeed, success, provide money or not or do other things. That was my dilemma.
Underneath that is a belief system that it’s impossible to have both.
I picked a profession where I had to be at my A-game all the time. In my profession as a lawyer and as an associate growing up in a New York City law firm, I was judged pretty much on what I did was not all that much relevant. It’s who I was in that present moment. That did create a lot of pressure. Now that I’m thinking about it, I can see how that need to keep my A-game up was a very underlying threat to my existence.
That’s what’s true of virtually everyone. People are still doing that. Maybe it’s not the societal thing, but when you look underneath that, it’s a survival thing. It’s truly a sense of if I don’t succeed at this. I either won’t have the notoriety, which then in our rational mind says, “If I don’t have that, then I don’t have the income.” It always boils down to, “If I don’t have the income, then it becomes literally life-threatening to me on a real scale.”Your mind is not your best friend. It is a constructed recycled program container. Click To Tweet
It’s fear. If I don’t keep working, if I don’t keep being the top of my game, then I’m not going to succeed and I won’t have anything. In the work that we do, I understand a whole lot more that I have to know who I am and be confident that I can do exactly what I need to do, when I need to do it so that I can succeed without being fixed on it. Making it the most important thing in my life. I could see that.
Part of that is because you have reached a place where you don’t have to be at the biggest law firm. You don’t have to be number one in the world with what it is that you do.
I live in a different world. We often watch the law series Suits, which is about a New York City law firm. I could very much relate to the pressure and everything that they go under. If you haven’t seen that, you can see how your life gets taken from you without you even knowing it. You’re just swept away. I will say in retrospect that happened to me.
This is what happens to virtually everyone in one area of their life or another. They go to sleep. They’re either already asleep and I’ve never even reached a place of awareness or awakeness. If they have, they’re pulled back into the big bucket in the sky as I call it, which is the global consciousness. It is critical for you to follow the crowd, do the things that everybody says you’re supposed to do. Your individuality goes completely out the window, if you ever even had it. The desperate need to be loved is so strong, to be accepted is so strong that we lose ourselves and we follow the crowd, whether it’s going to lead us off the edge of a cliff or not.
The perfect example of this is with kids in school. I had a conversation with someone who have an eleven-year-old child. They’re wearing makeup and they’ve got their whole thing about how they want their hair at eleven. I was wearing pigtails and riding my horse in the country. When I was way older, I didn’t even wear makeup or anything until I was fifteen, and I came from a completely different generation and a different way of living. It’s a much different world. The world that we’re living in is so driven by us being accepted and us looking the best, feeling the best and all this stuff to the world. Forget about our own self.
The bottom line is when this comes down to what we pick in our relationship versus our career is that we are wanting to stop and take a look at our lives, take a look at where you’re living and what are you doing and why are you doing it. If everyone who is reading takes a moment and looks at their life, even if you don’t have a job or even a career, where is your focus? What’s number one for you? The truth is there is no right or wrong in what you do. The key is that when you understand that what you’re doing is based on true passion or is it based on absolute fear and that fear can look like being accepted, being poor, any of those things. If you start off with that, that’s going to be an important piece for you to take a look at.
When I hit 40, I had financial success. I had very good success in my law firm. I had everything one could desire. I had my second own business by that time I had left law. I had all of these successes and I kept looking for so what? I was unhappy and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t financial, I love my kids. There was something missing for me that proverbial, is that all there is? I wanted to ask you, how do we reconcile all that with this whole business about the priority that we take in our lives?
Our priorities are going to change virtually in every minute and certainly, everything in life is cyclic. Everything’s going to go in a cycle.
That’s an important point, thank you.
We will do what it is that we do until in our own evolutionary journey there’s something else that is going to be more empowering to take us to the next level of who we are. Everything that’s happening in the external world or the world of form is something that allows us to be brought back into ourselves. That’s why our lives don’t stay “perfect.” When we have everything going for us, we’re going to zip along. The minute the world starts falling apart, it’s very typical. There are two parts of it. One is we live in a world of polarity. When you’re up high in your riding on that magic carpet and everything seemed awesome. Know that somebody will turn off that air machine that kept your carpet up there and you will fall to the ground because it’s a polarity based system.
That means that you will then suddenly have things where businesses aren’t going so good, your relationship falls apart. Somebody that you know dies, you become ill, whatever it is, there is a purpose for that. The purpose is to help you look more deeply into yourself and start to drive you more inwardly to your internal world. Eventually, people will get to the place where when their external world is not working, that’s when most people get on their knees, they start going inside. They are born again or they have some major life transition that that creates a depth that is not there prior to that. That was your moment where you got to see that is that all there is? No, and it didn’t feel good to make that transition. We are not usually feeling good when our wake up calls come to us.
We can have the wakeup calls unless we’re in pain.
Some people are going to say, “No, that’s not true for me. I’m going to have it all from now on in to forever.” What I will say is that there could be an exception to any rule in the world. It is not my experience. Unless you’re the fourteenth Dalai Lama, he knew in utero. He was consciously aware that he was a reincarnation of Dalai Lama thirteen. He came in extremely awake.
Didn’t that apply to me?
Yes, on some level.
This is called major avoidance and being out there in la la land for me.When you are doing what it is you love to do and you have passion about it, you would do it even if you weren't paid. Click To Tweet
That is one of the things that is important to realize. If your life is going up and down, that’s not a bad thing. It seems like a bad thing because you don’t know the gift that is there. Remember, everything has a gift in it. Everyone and every circumstance has a gift in it for you.
What’s the advice to give to someone who’s balancing career and relationship?
The first step is to get real. Get honest with yourself. Be impeccable to you. Go inside and see what are your priorities. You don’t have to tell anyone, just write it down. If you wrote down even the two things, career, job, and passion in that category or relationship. What is it that’s most important to you? If you’re already in relationship or whether you’re not in relationship, you can still do that same thing. Always understand that relationship is a self-development course, and so is your career, your job, even your passion. It becomes a matter of what is it that you want to put your focus on. Let’s say that you have a relationship. You have a career. You’re being torn between the two. You know you should spend more time at home. You’re feeling guilty because you’re not getting to the kids’ games.
I didn’t say you want to spend more time at home. You said you should spend more time at home. That’s pretty telling.
That’s the key that people have to look. Look inside and see if yours is I want to, I choose to versus I should. That’s going to give you a clue why your emphasis is in one direction or the other. There’s usually no such thing as balance. Balance is a misnomer in general because we become engaged and on fire about something and that’s where we put our attention. Let’s say you’re in a relationship and you also have a career. You love both and you don’t know how to make that work. One of the things that’s critical is to sit down and have a conversation with your partner. Share what’s going on with you. Say, “I love you and I love my career. I want to know how you’re feeling about this.” Open up the doorway between the two. You will also recognize that if you’re picking one over the other and you’re feeling like, “I want to spend more time with my kids,” or “I should spend more time with my kids and I can’t leave my career because it won’t flourish. I won’t make the money.”
Look at that fear of survival. Look at that fear of lack. Look at the fear that is ruling your life because underneath there you’re not happy. You may think that you want your career, but if a part of you was over there wishing that you were more with your family, then it becomes a real dichotomy. My brother in law who has since passed was I thought amazing with this because he had a career. He was in insurance and he had done it for 30, 40 years, yet he loved his family, his kids, and doing stuff in life. He found a way to master this by working four days a week and taking Fridays off, so he was with his family three days a week. In doing so, his business didn’t suffer one iota. Was he making three times as much as he thought he could? No. He made just as much money as he was when he was stressing and he got to spend time with his family in a way that he otherwise would have when he got ill. He would’ve missed out on all of that.
You have to decide for yourself whether you want to live for the dollar and then die or live life and be okay with being okay. Most importantly, if you are going inside and you are connected to yourself and you find your peace first internally, then exactly what to do in that exact moment will come through you and you won’t be needing to make head decisions. The problem is people are making head decisions instead of heart decisions. They’re making decisions based on fear, which is where 99.9% of all decisions are made from rather than what’s going to connect me to true peace, true joy and true happiness. Job, career, passion or family or children or money, none of that’s going to give you absolute, unwavering, pure joy and connection. That needs to come from inside. When you are in a true state of connection, then that overflows and you share it and all that you have is embellished.
The answer to the question is that the real path is to go inside and see what is absolutely true for you. Being awake and aware and then discussing it and having that flow through to your partner. The other thought is, I have a career. My wife is home with the kids. All of a sudden, my kids get old enough and my wife says, “I want to go out and have a career too.” She’s balancing that same thing. She’s balancing the career, the children, the relationships, and spending the time and she has exactly the same problem, but it’s compounded now because she’s the one who’s expected to take care of the kids. This is a complex subject because it’s all about our expectations of what society thinks we should or how we have to be.
Please do not let society be your God. They are never going to be there at your bedside. They’re not going to pay your bills. They’re not going to be there in a way that you think you need. I’m not saying don’t have friends and don’t love all of mankind, but if you don’t come back to within your first priority, be working on yourself into your purest connection, the rest will always be a disappointment.
We have an interesting question from Miles, who’s from Spokane, “Your episode on The Game Called Life blew me away.” It’s a simple question. “Why is it so important that I know this information?”
It’s important to you because you brought it to yourself. Anybody who’s reading these, any of these questions and taking those questions home that I give you at the end and utilizing them is they’re offered a gift and they’re receiving the gift. You don’t have to know exactly why you’re receiving the gift. In the natural state of your life, things will come to you that will help you better understand that, but I will answer your question. The reason that it’s important is because people that are not investigating open up to or realizing that there are other options in their life live a life that’s very constricted and tunnel-like. That means that they stay in that place that I always say you don’t know what you don’t know.
I call myself the Option Queen a lot because I give people options of different ways of looking at life. That’s why we call this Relationship Done Different. The majority of things that are underlying our lives are things that people don’t even realize are there. Miles, when you are reading this and you and your mind gets blown out, that’s actually a beautiful thing. What would be most powerful for you is to not even question it, not even try to figure it out. Don’t try to put it in a box because the minute you try to put it in a box, you have just lowered the ability of its gift to open up your mind and expand you. That’s an important thing for every one of us to remember is just let it be.
It is amazing how hard it is for us to just let things be as they are. When you come into a place where you’re exposed to something like this kind of thought process, then you are now at option about how you want to live your next moment. You have awareness that can allow you to make a different choice. You are in a place where you will be able to see that you don’t have to act out of recycled ignorance. Rather you have a new way of framing something. Your perception has an opportunity to be shifted. When you have a different perception, your life feels differently. When you are feeling differently in an awesome, powerful way, then you’re experiencing more happiness. You experience more expansion, more peace, and less resistance. We all know that the only way to real joy is to live in a non-resistive of way.
That was very powerful. What I got out of that and what I was contemplating is that the actual knowledge of what The Game Called Life is not important. It’s the avenue to open us up to possibilities that are beyond what we’re currently thinking or even know are available.
That is very true. You could look at these as little mini portals to finding the truth about who you are. Every time you stay open to anything that you hear and you go, “What if that was true?” What happens is your mind in its closed terrified state, which is so even when people think it isn’t, that opens that door up a jar a little bit. Doing so allows you to then expand beyond where it is that you’ve ever been before, which allows you to embrace life with your arms and your heart wide open, which allows you to know love in a way that you’d never have before.
What that brought back for me is you’ve option people with asking the question, “What’s so great about this that’s happened to me that I’ve not seen before?” It’s the same thing. It’s being available and open to possibilities that are beyond the bind.A career is something you are building and expanding on a continuous basis and becoming all that you can be. Click To Tweet
That’s why at night, and I invite all of you to do this. I say to myself, “Take me beyond where my mind knows to go.” Your mind is a necromancer. Your mind is not your best friend. It is a constructed recycled program container. Say it more than once a day and you’ll see that you’ll suddenly have thought processes and answers to things that you never even thought of. You don’t have to go searching for them with your predetermined ways of having the answer come.
It never will. It will always come from somewhere when you’re not thinking about it. Very often I’ll do those questions and want an answer and nothing happens. A month, two months later, something pops in my mind and everything gets clear. The answer to that is just trusting that it’ll come when it’s supposed to and when it’s in your best interest to do so.
You’ll move from trusting to knowing to where you won’t even think about it anymore. You will be so living in the moment that whatever happens in that moment, you don’t think you be.
I do want to recommend that if you haven’t check it out, and it’s what Miles was referring to is our last episode was called The Game Called Life. It’s very powerful. We’ve gotten a lot of feedback about that show and I recommend if you haven’t had a chance to check it out, it’s episode number 32. I know you will get a ton out of it. Esateys, let’s get to the Ask Esateys Question.
The question that I invite you to repeat until we meet again is what if in every moment I was first at peace within? When you come from a state of peace and centeredness, what will happen is you’ll know exactly how much time to designate to your relationship, your career, and to your hobbies. There’s a balance that occurs and always stay awake as to whether you are doing whatever you’re doing through fear, which is another way of saying should versus, “This lights me up and I’m so excited.”
I learned a lot about myself just as it was coming through and I realize some of those a-has that I never thought of before. I’m in great gratitude for having had this with you.
I’m in my gratitude that you’re my partner.
Likewise. We will see you next time and we will be looking forward to another great session with you.
Know that you are loved. Find somebody to hug.
We’ll talk to you soon.
Until next time.
- The Game Called Life – previous episode
- Relationships Done Different Facebook
- Relationships Done Different Twitter
- Relationships Done Different YouTube
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.