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What Does Giving Look Like In A Relationship
We’re going to speak about giving. What does giving look like in a relationship? First of all, this is an important subject because many women are about giving and some more giving. When they give, they get pissed, angry, upset and resentful. They bury their feelings because they’re giving without knowing it many times, not always, so don’t everybody get their hackles up already. Rather than giving because they want to give unconditionally, they’re giving because there’s an underlying fear. Most people give because there is an underlying fear going on that if they don’t give, they don’t acquiesce or if they don’t do something that’s going to make the other person happy. They are afraid of the loss. The loss might be the rejection, which means you’re getting loss of love. It might mean that the person is going not to be kind to you. You’re going to get attitude. You’re going to get the look. You’re going to get all things none of which make us feel good. Therefore, giving is not something that helps us feel great because it’s not pure. It’s not real. It’s not from a place that we are in our deepest core wanting to do.
Are you saying that all giving comes from that place of fear and wanting something out of it? That surprises me. I bet it might surprise a few readers because there are some people who give under the goodness of their heart. They want to do something good for people, good for humanity. Could you distinguish that and make that a little clearer for me?
There are some circumstances where what you’re saying is true. A good majority of the giving is when people are honest and authentic within themselves and they look underneath what they’re doing and why they’re doing it. We’ve spoken about the payoff, that we do everything for a payoff. Based on the fact that we know that we do everything for a payoff, what that means is that when we give, if we’re going to be honest with ourselves, we look at why we’re giving. I won’t say absolute but almost always, it’s because we’re trying to gain points in the relationship. Even you and I spend a long time so we’ve done this, “Did I get any extra points for that?” Therefore, we are doing what it is that we’re doing because we’re trying to get “points.” We’re trying to get somebody to feel obligated to us. We’re trying to get people to feel like they’re special, so we then will be endearing to them, which means they’re going to be nicer to us.
If they’re nicer to us, we feel more acknowledged. If we feel more acknowledged, then that equates to love. Down the whole cycle goes. Some of you are probably thinking, “Why should I even bother giving?” It’s not that you don’t give. This work is about awareness. This is about taking you deeper into knowing yourself, knowing how the relationship is serving you to become astutely connected to what you do, why you do it and what your purpose is behind that. You can then make decisions about whether you want to continue to do that or not. If you want to continue doing it, it’s great. There’s no problem. There is no judgment. If you don’t want to do that, it’s great. There’s no problem, no issue. There isn’t any right or wrong to it. It’s about awareness.
When we’re talking about awareness, it means that we see things from a viewpoint that is a bigger picture, a more macro view if you will. From there, we don’t always react, respond or be the same way as we would be if we are down here tricking ourselves, if we’re fooling ourselves into saying, “I only did that because I love you.” Think about that one by the way. When you were young, did you ever have your parents beat you and say, “I’m only doing this because I love you?” There’s some stuff in most people that equate the pain with the, “Only because I love you.” When you’re giving, you are putting yourself in a position to look at what is it that you are expecting in return. Occasionally, it’s like nothing but get honest with yourself because that’s not always true.A good majority of the time that anybody does anything is because they are looking at how it is that they are going to feel. Click To Tweet
I’m a little confused. A number of years after ensconcing in this work and as we would go through our little peaks and valleys so to speak, which we’ve always had some, I made a decision that I didn’t want to be judging anymore. I didn’t want to be crappy anymore. I wanted to love you more and more. I’ve taken that on. Every time something that would come up where I have a choice about doing something nice or a, “Screw it,” thing, I have always continually wanted to do it out of love, to create a bonded, close relationship. Are you saying that’s my pay off and that’s why I’m doing it?
I’m saying that your conscious mind wants that. There are times where you’re doing it out of the unconditionality of whom it is that you truly are. If you look underneath that, a good majority of the time that anybody does anything it’s because they are looking at how it is that they are going to feel. If we remember that there’s nobody here on the planet but us, we’re doing things that are going to make us. In another episode, we’ve spoken about one of the number one things that we feel that we need as people is safety. If we’re showering people with stuff and it isn’t pure and clean, then the underlying thing there is we are looking for some conscious or subconscious return, which is usually safety or whatever.
I want everybody to be clear. I’m not trying to blow out your good humor about giving because that’s not my purpose. My purpose is to help you see that there are many different ways that we are in ourselves, our lives and in our relationships. I’m asking you to look a little deeper than perhaps you ever have before. You can be authentic, pure, and aware of what’s going on. I’m also not saying not to do that. With awareness, the most profound thing that you can do is observe what it is that you’re doing and sees it for what it is. What we do, we do because we feel that that’s going to give us something in response, that is going to give us the response that we’re looking for, safety, being loved, any of those things that we were speaking about.
I’m going to shift gears 20 degrees here. We’re bordering on the issues or the reasons we are codependent. When we have codependency with someone, we want to make someone happy, so they’re going to make us happy. Is that the payoff thing you’re speaking about? Codependency is a broad subject, but I wanted to bring that up because we’re bordering on that as soon as we talk about being in the subconscious.
First of all, codependency is true for all of mankind. That’s a big blanket statement but it is also accurate. That is because we are all intertwined as one. We’re codependent because we need each other for things. We need somebody who works the electricity so we have it, so we can do this show. We need people who grow the food and who package the food to get the food to us. We need people to do all the things that get done in this world so we can exist. We are in a codependent situation. That’s on a basic level. There’s another level of codependency that comes with a deep sense of emotional codependency, meaning that we feel as though we cannot, will not or sometimes it’s as simple as, “I don’t want to exist,” or go on without another person or certain circumstances occurring in our lives.
If we look at that, it’s also because we have a payoff for that. When we’re codependent, it means that we have given ourselves away to that person or those people because we’re dependent upon them for something. It’s important. This is not a judgment. This is not good, bad, right or wrong. This is the way the planet works. This is the way we as humans have been programmed. This is the orchestration of life. My job is to help awaken you to the way the game called life plays out here. The more knowledgeable you are about the rules of the game and the way it happens, the freer you will be, the more you can observe it without feelings of judgment, concern, making yourself or anyone else right or wrong, the freer you will be, which means the happier that you will be, which means the more connected you will feel internally.
I want to bring this back to relationships. The title of the episode is What Does Giving Look Like in a Relationship. We’ve talked about awareness. We’ve talked about the subconscious or the underlying thing of what’s in it for me, the payoff. How or what can we offer to our readers to help them amplify and magnify the connection, the intimacy or the heartfelt feeling they have for their partner?
I speak at a lot of different levels invariably. It seems that I start out with the deep stuff, what’s under the covers, no pun intended. Thanks to your support, we bring it back to what I’ll call the material world or your day-to-day living. Believe it or not, I was going to get there. What’s important about a relationship is that it is a give or take situation, unless you decide that it isn’t going to be. What that means is some people are so into themselves that they’re going to do whatever they want to do. If somebody else doesn’t like it or doesn’t want to be a part of it, they can take a walk. It doesn’t matter to them. They’re not attached to having somebody agree with or align to what it is that they want or who it is that they are.
There are others that will do everything in the world for their partner and with little or no concern about what’s true within themselves. The first thing that is important here is that you take a look at yourself and see where it is that you fit in between these two places. Maybe it is in between. Maybe you’re at one extreme or the other. First of all, most of you know that my number one thing is the love of self. It’s extremely important that you stay in touch with how you honestly feel. The more desirous you are of knowing how you feel and what’s true for you, the better it is. It doesn’t mean that you can’t change the way you see or perceive something because that’s the way, “You’ve always done it,” it doesn’t mean it’s the way you have to do it now.
I’ll give you an example. Rafael wants to go to this marketing thing in Los Angeles. I don’t feel a big draw to do that. It’s not something that I feel blows my skirt up. We’ve been back and forth about this over and over again. Being 100% true to myself, I don’t feel the “feeling” that I would want to go. I have a thought process that it’s not something that is necessary, whatever my thought process is. As we’ve gone over this, I’ve looked at it and I know that he wants to do this. I’ve done a lot of inner work looking at, “What’s my resistance to doing this? What’s underneath that?” I’m doing all the self-introspection. I’ve had to look at, “Am I planting my feet in the sand or the cement because I don’t want to go because I don’t feel like going out of town, whatever all my reasons are?” Am I going to look at it like, “This is important to him. I know that there will always be a gift there for me because I know unequivocally, positively that whatever experience I have is a great experience.”The most profound thing that you can do is observe what it is that you're doing and see it for what it is. Click To Tweet
I may not think in that second or my mind may come up with ideas or thought processes that say that it wasn’t that great at the moment or whatever I’m in at that moment, but I do know that it’s true. Based on the fact that I desired to give to him and therefore, give to myself not because I’m giving to him but because I know that there will be a gift there for me. I said, “Sign me up. I’ll go.” I will go with an open heart, an open mind and a willingness to see what it is that I will acquire from this experience. I know something great will come out of it because life always brings me something great. I live by the premise and the knowing that the universe is always conspiring to make my life more awesome than I could ever dream or imagine.
One of the things that I looked at was, “If in my heart of hearts I don’t want to go, then am I going because I want to acquiesce or is it because of something else?” That’s when I had to make the decision, “Am I going because I want to stop getting the flack or am I going because I believe that there’ll be something there?” I made the decision that I feel there’ll be something there. I also know that it would be supportive of him. In going, I am true to myself because I know that inside I’m going to acquire something awesome, the side effect and the bonuses he gets to have what it is that he wants. I get to be a more giving person because I can be strong about what I like, what I don’t like, what I want, what I don’t want, what I’ll do and what I won’t do.
It’s because I’m clear about what I’m committed to him and when I’m not, I sometimes have to give a little bit more. I have to make what people’s egos might say is a concession. I may need to make what some people would call compromise. I don’t look at this even one I owed, like a compromise. I’m not compromising anything. I’m going because I’m going to get a gift, and the side effect and the bonus is that he doesn’t have to fight me anymore. I’m going, I will be openhearted and open-minded about it. It’s important that you know yourself, know what you’re doing, why you’re doing it and are you giving because you’re afraid that somebody isn’t going to like you, because they’re going to be mad at you or they’re going to punish you with the things that they do. How you manipulate each other if you’re in a relationship, you’re with your parents or with your kids. We all have our tools for manipulation. Look at yourself internally. If you’re giving because you have an underlying fear of what results you’ll get if you don’t give, that is not giving. That is masochism.
It’s self-sabotage because you’re sabotaging your own true self. When that occurs, what happens is that you will feel angry. You will feel suppressed. Women do this a lot. That’s why many women are angry with their partners. They’ve been doing things they don’t want to do for a long time. They’re giving in ways that are not true for them. Here’s another caveat that we even go deeper with. If you are giving because you’re afraid of the results, then you’re not communicating what’s true for you. The communication is important, that you speak to whomever it is that you’re giving to of what it is, instead of saying, “I’m going because if I don’t, you’re not going to get off my back.” That’s not giving. Rather you can say, “I’m going because I know there’s a gift in it for me and I’d like to support you because it’s important to you.” That’s a whole other way of viewing it. What you get is an option or an opportunity to determine where you’re truly coming from.
I have two points I want to make. The first one is this. You said twice that you’re doing it because you know there’s a gift in it for you and you’re doing it because you know that’s something that I want and that you could give me a gift of. I can’t imagine this because this is something that I’ve been doing. I related this whole thing to when we were first married and you would say, “Come on, let’s go to the family parties and all that.” That wasn’t my most favorite thing to do, but I ultimately saw that it was important to you. I would do it because I wanted to give that to you, not thinking consciously that there was anything in it for me other than making you happy. I see that now in this whole thing. What I am asking is does it matter if there’s some gift in it for you? Is that a rationalization? Can it be that I want to give you something because I know it’s important to you?
You can give to someone because it’s important to you, but think about when you give me something that you know is important to me and you just want to do that. How do you feel?
I feel good.
That’s your payoff. When you can see the payoff and if the payoff is I want to feel good so I’m going to do this, great. As long as that is the truth for you, then it’s powerful. You’re conscious of it. Don’t think that anyone is giving because they want to make that other person happy without them having something come back to them or some experience. That’s all I’m saying.
I’ll take that one step further. When one gives, one feels good. When you give to a homeless person, to cancer or any of those things, it makes you feel good and you’re doing something good. Your point is that we will feel good as we give. As we give, we get.
You can’t separate giving and receiving. It’s impossible to do that. That’s the point of what it is that I’m saying. When we give, we are going to receive something back. What we receive back is how we feel about it. It’s because we as humans want to feel good and we’re always moving towards the pleasure principle, which is to feel good, we learn by experimentation and by training, “What is it that I can do that’s going to make me feel good? What’s my training been for that?” I learned that if I gave to people, if I was there for people, if I supported them in certain ways, it made me feel good. That’s one of the reasons that I became such an expert at what it is that I do because I get a payoff. I like helping people because it helps me feel good. The key here is that you cannot get attached to that.What's important about a relationship is that it is a give or take situation, unless you decide that it isn't going to be. Click To Tweet
I do what it is that I do. I coach. I do retreats. I do podcasts. I do Saturday talks. I do blogs. I do all these different things and I do them because they are fun for me to do. That’s my first pay off. When I’m coaching, I do it because it’s fun for me to give people options and help them wake up to things that they had never even thought of before, that they could make different choices if they choose to. I don’t have an attachment whether they do or whether they don’t. Those of you that have been to retreats and been around my work for a while, you know I use this analogy or this example of being at a high-end party. You’re walking around with your silver platter. You’ve got escargot and champagne. You walk up to someone and you offer them these options, “What would you like?” If somebody says, “Escargot, gag me with a spoon. There’s no chance,” does that mean that I’m the one here holding the platter, the waitress or whatever, that has anything to do with me? The guy doesn’t like escargot.
Instead of saying thank you or moving on, I could throw the whole platter on the floor and go, “This guy doesn’t like me. There’s nothing I’m going to do that’s going to be right. I’ve messed up my job.” It doesn’t have anything to do with the person who’s holding the tray. That’s what’s true when I do coaching. I offer things to people. If it works for them, it’s great. If it doesn’t work for them, it’s great. The same exact thing is true here with podcasts. I’m going to give you probably a gazillion things that I have found works for me and with people that I’ve worked with. If it’s not a fit for you, throw it away. Don’t keep it. Keep what works and give away what doesn’t. I always ask people to have an open mind with that, “What if there was a possibility to that?” That’s what it is that is going to help you stay open-minded and in a continuous state of growth and expansion.
We do something because there’s a payoff. We’ve established that. It’s clear. That payoff is either because it makes us feel good or is something that we think we “should” do, something that we feel obligated to do, something that we feel people won’t like us if we don’t do. We have that dichotomy. Is there a distinction between those two circumstances, giving to feel good and giving out of obligation?
There’s a big difference.
We have to know when we’re giving out of, “I should,” rather than, “I want to.”
Position, know thyself. That’s why we do what it is that we do here is to help you know yourself so you know where you’re coming from. If you’re giving out of obligation, you are going to take in, harbor and probably stuff away feelings of resentment and anger first at yourself. If that doesn’t feel good, you’ll take and you’ll project it probably on the person that you “did it for,” which means that you’ll probably be passive-aggressive, you’ll be a little bit irritable, you’ll shut them off. You’ll do whatever it is that you do because the feeling inside does not feel good. I am an extremely high advocate for giving. I feel that if everyone gave on a continuous basis and even without spending a whole lot of deep figuring it out stuff.
If you give and you’re staying in touch with how you feel about it, then what occurs is not only do you feel good, but you also help other people feel good. When you feel good and they feel good, then what occurs is your vibration, your attitude, your altitude increases and so does theirs. That, all by itself, helps change the world. People are influenced by the sense of receiving. Even if they don’t think that they want to, when they receive what it is that you’re giving them, especially if it’s beautiful, loving, whatever things. That could be a smile. It could be opening a door for someone. Those random acts of kindness help people feel a whole lot better about themselves. Therefore, they will see their life differently, which will help them view things from a perspective that allows them to enjoy themselves and other people much more profoundly.
You are always giving a gift when you are giving. Giving is significant when you give to your partner. When you take on, “I’m going to love you more,” and you do want to love that person more, then you are going to find that relationship will deepen. The giving that you’re doing will instinctually and retroactively allow the person to feel more loved and lovable, which means that they will express more love than what it is that they did before. When you feel loved and lovable, that means that you feel safe. Safety is mandatory for people to give.
The distinction I want to throw out there and leave for everyone is to consider giving as authentic giving, giving from the heart, giving because it will make me feel good, because it will help someone else feel good. Rather than inauthentic giving, which is to serve a purpose, to avoid or not be any of those other aspects we’ve talked about. Would you agree that there’s authentic giving and then there’s inauthentic giving?
You could say that.The universe is always conspiring to make your life more awesome than you could ever dream or imagine. Click To Tweet
That’s a good way to distinguish between the two. This has been a fabulous conversation. We have long done a number of giving projects in our history together. We want to give to someone else. We want to give to a section of the people she coaches or whatever. What I would like to put out there and leave for everyone is that’s the thing you want to do with your spouse or your partner. What’s the value of giving to someone else and not giving it home? That whole thing about maybe not giving it home or not wanting to or whatever is a function of all the deep scarring and all the other things that we’ve been talking about in prior podcasts. It’s to be aware of our authenticity.
That’s another whole episode that we could do is to talk about how people will give to charities. They give to other people. They’re nice to their neighbors. They’re nice to their boss. They’re nice to everybody. At home, stand aside because it’s dangerous territory. We well up all the things that we’re not happy about. We take them out in the closest place that we have available, to the securest place that we have available. That’s another whole story. My suggestion is that if you make giving one of your highest priorities to self, at home to your partner, to your children and out in the world. If that were your focus on living, you would be amazed at where your life goes. That’s something to contemplate. I invite you to do that.
We received questions. We thank the people who have been sending in questions. We welcome your questions. It gives us a real pulse on how we can be of service to everyone and to answer your questions. If you have a question, please send it on to us. We look at every one of them. What is your viewpoint on open relationships?
This also could be another whole show. I’m going to be semi-brief about this. My view of open relationships is my view about everything, which is doing what it is that works for you. If you take away the good, bad, right and wrong from the circumstances and you look at what it is that you’re doing, why you’re doing it, if it feels right and it feels good, then do it. Society makes up rules that things need to be a certain way. It needs to be this or it needs to be that. There are a lot of viewpoints out there about open relationships because it does not look like the moralistic belief systems that a good majority of people on the planet experience. What about being true to yourself?
If that’s the way that you would like to be in your relationship or in your life, then do that. Simultaneously, do your best not to be offended or upset if someone doesn’t think as you do. Let’s say that you’re a person who is good with and wants to have an open relationship. An open relationship, at least what I’m referring to, is two people are together, but they are also with other people. They do that by telling each other or not. It depends on their agreement with each other. Usually, they communicate about that. “I’m okay if you’re with him. I’m okay if you’re with her.” Some people talk to each other about it and their experiences. Other people say, “I’m going out with so and so tonight.” It’s a negotiable thing between two people, however it is that you would like.
All I ask is that you look inside and ask yourself what your payoff, ask yourself what’s the purpose, and what is it that you want out of it. If you want to experience freedom, go do whatever you want to do. You can ask yourself why you’re in a relationship with a significant other or with seemingly one person. You both go around and do things with other people. Look at that. What if you were single and you went around and you did whatever you wanted to do with whomever it is that you wanted to do? It’s such a finite difference between being with somebody or not, except for the rules and regulations that society says that you ought to have. It’s important for you to know what’s true in your heart.
It’s important that you’re hooked up with someone who feels the same way, you’re open you are completely transparent, and you’re communicating beyond anything that you’ve ever done before. The biggest issues that come up in open relationships is that people don’t know all of the circumstances or agreements. In other words, the rules aren’t clear. That can many times create a threatening situation. If you feel threatened, if you feel jealous or that’s not okay with you, then call a spade a spade. It doesn’t matter whether you are or whether you aren’t. Be true to yourself and communicate that to your partner.
We did an episode and we also did this part of our last retreat, how we pick up our beliefs, our programs and how they lodge in the subconscious. They’re on our shoulder. They’re knocking on our door for our entire life. They happen primarily during the first few years of life. It can be something that your parents have told you because they’re the people to whom you looked up to as important and godlike and your teachers. I experienced this for myself. It’s even when people have a concept about their bodies, they say, “If I’m fat, I’m not attractive.” That’s a belief. Sometimes heavy people are attractive to other people. It’s the belief. There’s no right and wrong to it. The point of this whole thing is that we pick up the social mores that it’s wrong to do anything, to have extramarital affairs or whatever. Those things are ruling in the background. They pull on us to get us to act and be in a certain way. My point is to be aware of that and to be aware that you get to choose what you want and what is appropriate for you and in conjunction with your partner. If you have any questions, please send them our way. We are anxious to get some from you. We’re going to move to the last part of the episode, which is how to live in absolute freedom.
You can send this to your friends. You can do many things on Facebook, Instagram or all of the above. What would it take for me to be more open and more giving? Whenever you feel yourself pulling back, shutting down, being resistive, ask yourself, “What would it take for me to be more open and more giving?” The reason that’s powerful is it will interrupt the restricted feeling that you have and allow yourself to open up to other possibilities. Growth is never-ending. The willingness to look at anything that you have as a belief, as possibly not being the only belief, the more expanded and more empowered you will be in your life.
The happier you’ll be as well. I’m appreciative of having this conversation. Giving is important.
It’s going to make a significant shift in your life. At least internally, if you’re not willing to say it out loud when you’re a partner has the opportunity to trigger you and you decide to take that hors d’oeuvre off of the plate and you get triggered, you could say, “I’m going to love you more.” Your personality or ego may not let you say that out loud, but at least say it, “I’m going to love you more,” or, “What would it take for me to be more open and more giving?” That will interrupt the old programs. Everything that you’re doing in your life is from the program. If you shift your perception about the program or open up other possibilities, your life becomes smooth and open. That’s where you’re going to find happiness.
Remember the concept of authentic giving versus inauthentic giving.
We will see you soon. We are going to be speaking about long distance relationships, what they mean, how they work and how to make them work if it’s right for you. Thanks so much.
Feel a hug.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.