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What Does Intimacy In Your Relationship Look Like?
The Answer May Really Surprise You!
We’re so happy to have you and to be here. We have a cool subject. We’re going to be talking about what is intimacy. Everybody shudders when they hear that sometimes. What does intimacy in your relationship look like? The answer may surprise you. We’re going to have an exciting talk.
I don’t know why you said people would shudder when they hear the word. You’re a guy. I can understand why you’d say that.
There’s so much fear around being intimate, being exposed and exposing oneself, especially in the bedroom. Maybe that’s my stuff.
You immediately associate intimacy with the bedroom. That’s not necessarily what intimacy is about.
I understand that. Even not talking about the bedroom, it’s about being exposed. It is anyone seeing and letting themselves be seen by another.
What does intimacy look like in your relationship? Let’s take this out of the male or female romantic relationship. Let’s talk about relationships. Surprisingly, you can be extremely intimate with somebody who is a good friend and somebody who is there for you. Romanticism is almost always where people go when they think of intimacy. Intimacy is something that is much broader, much deeper and it does align very much with the word vulnerability. If you don’t have vulnerability first, you can’t get intimate. What does intimacy mean? It can mean anything you would want it to mean. It does mean whatever you think it means based on your history and your experiences and the programs that you have about intimacy. What that means is usually around sex. Let’s talk about intimacy from a state of vulnerability.
When you are intimate, it means that you are very close and you’re very connected. There’s a certain state of safety and that’s a very important thing to take a look at. When you feel safe, it’s much easier to be intimate. There’s going to be circumstances where if we go back to sex again, people can be intimate if you’re going to call making love or just flat out having sex, even without emotion involved. That can also mean that you appear to be intimate, but having sex is not necessarily intimate. You take your clothes off, you get together, you’re skin to skin and there’s a certain level of intimacy from a physical level that’s there. Intimacy is far more than that. I would want to erase the myth that intimacy means sex. We could go into the whole subject of sex. There’s sex where you can go be with somebody for a one-night stand. It can also be where you make love. Making love has a lot more intimacy attached to it because intimacy means that you are with someone.
There’s a big difference between being with someone and being with someone. When you’re with someone, you can be in their presence on a physical level there. You and I can be in the same room and I’m with you. Maybe I’m with people in the grocery store or wherever, but that doesn’t mean that I’m with them. There are different levels of the word with so we’ll start there. You go to the store or you go to the gas station and you’re with somebody. From that standpoint, it means that there are two physical bodies in the same space and you are interacting in some way. You’ll see it on Facebook all the time with whoever got tagged in there. It doesn’t mean they were necessarily in the same space, although a lot of times it does.You will only experience judgment if you are judging yourself. Click To Tweet
The other thing that I’m speaking about is when you’re present. You’re connected. You’re in a place where you listen to what the other person says. It means that you have your sensory mechanism tuned in so you can feel what it is that they’re feeling. You feel what they might need or want at that moment. Being with somebody and then being with someone means that there’s a much more connected state on many levels that occurs when you’re with the second with. This is important. When you are just with somebody in a room, that’s not intimacy. When you’re with someone and you’re very connected with them, it might be that you’re there with a friend listening to them. Being incredibly present and focused with that person, that’s an intimate experience because you’re staring at a deep core level what’s going on.
Keep going because I want to hear the end of this.
There is no end to this. Since you have a perception about intimacy and what it is that I’m speaking about, what it is that you think you heard and how that fits or doesn’t fit with what your belief systems are? Your belief systems are like other people’s belief systems or a lot of people’s belief systems. This is called Relationships Done Different because this is out of the box thinking. This is a more comprehensive way of looking at any area of life. Whether it’s a relationship with a person that you’re in romantics with, whether it’s a person you’re good friends with, whether it’s a relationship with your children, intimacy is to have an understanding about from my viewpoint. It makes a difference in every area of your life.
We’ve known each other for many years. We’ve been married for many years. In all of our years and as close as we are, this whole conversation is bringing up some stuff for me. It brings this whole resistance and the thing about being vulnerable. As much as I try, I can see how I hold back sometimes because I don’t want you to know everything about me. It’s what you’ve said often. What you think about me is none of my business. This whole thing about being exposed or being afraid to be exposed is bringing up stuff for me in terms of how I’ve grown up and the scabs or the walls around me that I have even though I would like to think that I don’t.
What kinds of things are being brought up?
It’s the little things that I know or I don’t like about myself. Things I don’t want you to know about because I don’t want to feel judged. As time goes on, the judgments come up because neither partner will feel safe and feel heard. That’s a big issue.
There’s no way we don’t already know what’s going on with the other person. This is a very important piece. We don’t feel safe because we hide who we are. We believe that if you know who I am, you won’t love me so we protect and we hide something yet that is the very thing that the other person perceives all the time anyway. Our precious little personalities think that nobody will know. Nobody is going to find out. That’s like two parents that are having difficulty and they’re like, “Let’s not tell the kids.” You know how many people I’ve helped work that was having difficulty in relationships. When I talk to those kids, 99% of them say, “We knew that. We knew that they were having problems.” Even though the parents supposedly never argued in front of them or anything. We have a deep sixth sense. Every single one of us has it. For you to hold back things that are going on with you for fear of judgment, you will only experience judgment if you are judging yourself.
Let’s just say that you have a certain characteristic or a habit or something that you don’t like. You’re going to judge that. You are judging it yourself. The way the universe works is very supportive. It will have that other person. You’ll experience that, the other person sees it and will judge back at you or show you something so you can take a look and see what perhaps you hadn’t seen. In other words, we hire somebody to help us see what it is that we can’t see. It’s as if you’re expecting to know what color your eyes are, how long your eyelashes are, how long your tongue is or any of these things and you don’t have a mirror. There’s nobody to tell you. You have no idea.If you want a life that truly works, it's about being aware. It's about being present. It's just the bottom line. Click To Tweet
You’re not going to know the color of your eyes or your eyelashes or if you have freckles or any of that stuff. People serve as a mirror and as a little telecommunication device for you. That’s hard for most people to accept because we like to think that nobody can see all of these things that we judge about ourselves. We think that if they do know that, they’re not going to love us so we don’t feel safe. We go in a vicious circle pretending which is hiding, which means that you’re enhancing your feeling of lack of safety. When you don’t feel safe, you’re not going to speak. When you don’t speak, you’ve got walls up. The walls that are up around you will keep you from feeling that you can trust anyone or other people will pick up that wall and they’ll feel that they can’t trust you because they don’t know what you’re hiding. It turns into a vicious circle and none of it brings you the results that you’re looking for.
It’s all about the love of self. If there’s something going on in me that I don’t want to be seen, that’s a part of me that I don’t love in myself. I can’t accept myself. There’s something that I’m seeing as a problem or something wrong with me. That becomes a love of self-issue.
Everything is about us. Relationships are there to help you know yourself. Relationships are for self-development. Relationships are to help you see yourself better. It’s always about observing yourself. If somebody gives you from feedback or has a judgment, then you know right away whether it’s coming from within yourself and projecting. They’re showing it back to you like a boomerang or it could be that that’s their stuff. The way you know is by how you feel about it. If you have a trigger about it, then you know you have some little live ember burning in there that hasn’t been completely dealt with. Can I give a personal example of us?
I hesitate to say yes, but I will.
We’re really activating intimacy. We’re being very vulnerable. I went to write a check for our groomer. I have asked Rafael in the past to please get duplicate checks because the price changes and I would like to know what the last price was. The minute I said it in passing, from my perspective, he got all triggered. I wasn’t triggered and I didn’t get triggered when he got triggered. I just let it go. Your trigger, Rafael, was something that was going on inside of you. It would either be feeling guilty that you never did order the duplicate checks or maybe it was that you felt that I was making you wrong. It’s usually where people go. They take it as a personal make wrong that if you had duplicate checks, you think you would be a better person or whatever. There’s a lot of different ways that could have gone. “I never do it good enough.” That’s another core issue that everybody has. If it looks like you’re responsible for something and it doesn’t happen, then it activates that piece that we get from childhood like, “You don’t do it good enough. You don’t get good enough grades. You don’t get home on time. You’re not loving enough. You don’t clean up enough.” It’s always about the not enough thing.
It does work. When that happened, I did get triggered but I didn’t jump back at or make some snide comment although it came up within me. The very cool thing for me in this particular instance was that I caught it. I was conscious of it. I started doing one of the processes that we have, which is to work through it on our own because it wasn’t her issue. She just said what she said and I reacted the way I did. I was conscious enough this time to be able to catch it. That was cool. I did have that. It’s like, “I didn’t do good enough. I didn’t do something you wanted.” There were a bunch of things, but I realized they’re all mine. It wasn’t even necessary to speak it to you because I was doing the work on my own.
These questions that we talked to you about and the what if questions and all of that, that’s the thing that I was working on to be able to release that particular judgment. In all of our years of marriage, we’ve shared a lot of good stuff and this stuff continues to come up. Can you give some tips about how to increase intimacy in one’s relationship, especially as a relationship goes on and on? Let’s say we’ve been married many years. How does one enhance intimacy? How has it reinforced? Can you give us some tips?
This world at this level of conversation is all about you. You are here using the world as a mirror to show you where you’re at. You have a deeply ingrained thought process about where you want to go. Whether that would be, “I want to be more educated. I want to be more loving. I want to be more in control or whatever.” People will show you that. We will not let ourselves be intimate or close to someone if we do not feel safe inside of ourselves. To get safe inside yourself, it’s important that you talk to yourself. Observe what you do, observe what you say, observe how you feel and notice your own personal judgments about that. That’s an important thing. It’s sometimes challenging for me to speak the absolute truth because I don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings or they’re going to be upset or whatever.Perception is your gift and you get to decide what you do with it. Click To Tweet
I get a lot of people who bring this up to me in my coaching. Reach a place where you allow yourself to know that you are as clean and non-attached as you possibly can be. What you’re saying is not to try to make somebody feel bad or whatever, but it happens to be an awareness that you’re looking at. When you can look at yourself with that observership for awareness rather than judgment, then you can use some of the tools or some of the processes that are available to you. One of them would be for you to just breathe. It’s what I call the cycle of five breathing. It would be breathing in through your nose very slowly to the count of five. Holding at the top of your head for the count of five and then exhaling through your mouth to the count of five. When you breathe in, hold it and exhale through your nose and hold it out through your mouth very slowly. It gives the whole body a whole renewed place of awareness because it brings in more oxygen to the brain, which helps get you feeling more astute.
When you are more astute, you can observe things. When you can observe what’s going on without any judgment, then you start to learn and practice this until you get that you’re okay. There’s nobody out there that’s going to be “perfect” as an opinion. When you start doing that, you start feeling better about yourself. When you feel better about yourself, you won’t have any difficulty in being intimate, in being safe, in being in a world where you’re okay. You can say whatever you want to say. People will get it or they won’t. They’ll like it or they won’t. You just move on. That takes a lot for many people because it’s incredibly seductive to go into, “I could never let anybody know this.” It can be the simplest or the most complex things. You know that I screamed and yelled at my mother, I slammed the door on somebody else, I kicked the dog, I hurt someone else or whatever.
Based on that, it’s very important to recognize that you observe it and you can utilize the teaching that says, “So what?” It’s not from a sarcastic place. It’s very important. I don’t give a flying phooey. It’s just like, “I did the best I could at that moment.” You can make a choice to do things differently. To do things differently, you need to stay very aware and very present. You need to stay as the observer so you can then make different choices down the road. It’s about becoming a great observer. Notice what’s going on inside of you. Release the judgment about it. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. You can choose again the next time that you come up with something. Sometimes, it will take a moment or two. That’s one thing that you can do.
We’re talking about how to create internal safety and all of the things that Esateys talked about. Everything starts within us. If we’re in a relationship, whether it be romantic, family, children or business and we have a relationship where we’re not feeling safe that’s causing us to have to do what Esateys is talking about. This is where it gets a little cloudy for me. We know we have to work on ourselves, but do we discuss it with the other person? Do we bring it up? Do we invite others to understand that maybe they’re doing things that are not making me feel safe or making me at ease? Is it just an internal process for me?
It’s always within yourself. If you feel that you need to say something or if you feel that you don’t say something, it’s going to create a bigger wall. It’s important to say something. The question that I always ask myself is, “What’s the purpose of me sharing this? What’s the purpose of me bringing this up?” You’ll notice that it is 99.9% of the time trying to control the other person so they’ll change so you can feel comfortable. You’re just hoping that if they slammed the door when they go out, your life is going to be better if they don’t and it probably would. You just work through that. You don’t need to say anything. You’ll just look at what’s distressing about that. That’s one thing. A lot of times that’s not so easy to do. The majority of people can’t do that, at least not right out of a get-go. What is important is that when you do choose to say something, you still ask yourself, “What do I want out of this? What’s my payoff for sharing this?” Once you’re clear regardless of what it is, then you can go ahead and ask.
What’s important is that you stay in total and complete ownership of what’s going on from your perspective. Instead of saying, “Why do you keep on slamming the door? Don’t you know that that jars me? I don’t like it. It’s very upsetting. If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that.” That’s one way of handling it. The other is to speak to somebody and say, “I noticed that when you leave, we don’t have a thing on that door so it slams loudly. It’s jarring in my body. What do you think about us getting one of those little things that will not let the door slam all the way? My body seems to be frigging sensitive. I might jump out of my skin. What do you think about putting something like that up on the door so it can’t slam?” If you’re with somebody that you’re very close with that is open to some feedback, you could say something like, “When the door slams, it is because we’re not present.” A lot of times people will feel that they need to say it. I do that sometimes too because that makes the blow a little bit softer to the other person’s ego.
When you say, “When the door slams, it’s because I wasn’t paying attention.” In other words, I wasn’t present. If you want a life that truly works, it’s about being aware. It’s about being present. It’s the bottom line. If you are aware and you’re present at the moment and you choose to slam the door, that is responsibility from within yourself. The responsibility is, “I’m slamming the door because I’m mad and I’m not seemingly able to control those feelings right now or master this moment. Therefore, I’m going to slam the door and I hope that it disturbs them.” That’s honest. When you slammed the door and you did it on purpose, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that or whatever.” It’s a flat out lie. Always be present. Be authentic and tell the truth in every moment. That creates trust between people. It also will help you become more intimate. Intimacy starts with yourself. Be aware of yourself. Be aware of what you think, feel, say and do.
Make that a conscious decision. When you do that, you observe it with as little judgment as you can. When you see yourself doing things that you would rather not do, then choose differently. If you’re present, you won’t do them. From there, you will allow yourself to feel so much better about yourself that you will gravitate people towards you that will mirror different things to you. If they do mirror something or they do show you something and you’re not triggered by it, you dance along your merry way. It will start with you and from within you.Giving oneself permission to understand that we're not going to be perfect at first is important. Click To Tweet
You will start gravitating people or your partner will feel a little bit safer and they won’t know how or why or anything. For some reason, they will because we are always drawing towards ourselves what it is that we’re needing the most of or the biggest desire to have. When you’re intimate with yourself first, then you are going to find intimacy with another person even more. Remembering what intimacy is and we’re not talking about sex in this particular moment. It’s closeness, it’s safety, it’s trust and it’s with you. That’s where it starts.
I just wanted to summarize this section in my own way. To have that intimacy and that close emotionally safe relationship, we have to start acting as if that’s what we would like. We are impeccable, we are respectful, we are compassionate, all of those things within ourselves. Therefore, that will attract what we want from the other person. It will attract people who will feed that right back to us.
They will also feedback parts of you that maybe you haven’t looked at yet, but that’s another whole story. When you recognize that it’s coming from within you and you start being kinder and more giving and more compassionate with those in your life, they’re judging you. That’s just what’s going on with them right now. You don’t have to get reactive to that. In other words, you hold the state of who is it that you want to be. Do you want to be a person who’s kind and successful and loving and giving and has a tremendous amount of inner happiness and joy? Do you want to be somebody who’s always right, who gets to attack people, who gets to pretend they’re in control that is in a constant state of bantering, that’s in a constant state of conflict? You get to decide. That’s the coolest thing about our world. We decide how we want to be and how we want to perceive ourselves, what occurs in life and everything else around it. Perception is your gift and you get to decide what you do with it.
In other words, be the change you want to see in the world. We’re going to now do the section called Ask E where we solicit and receive questions from you all to answer or clarify things that we’ve said. We have a question here, “Esateys, I’ve heard you say that you have to take responsibility for your own thoughts and judgments of others because it’s always a reflection of the judgment of our own self. I totally understand that, but I don’t seem to be able to do it at the moment. It’s too unconscious. What can you suggest?”
A lot of people ask me that. We didn’t get filled up with all of these programs and beliefs and habits and things that we have going on overnight. We have to be patient and we have to make it a priority. It has to be something that you care about changing or the likelihood of its shifting is not going to occur. At that moment, the kneejerk reaction may come up right away and that’s okay. You did the best you could at that moment. The very nanosecond that you remember that you could choose differently at that moment, that’s when you go into different ways to deal with it. Just for fun, go back and observe that whole situation and go, “I’m seeing that I reacted that way because it hit a hard program inside of me and a hard feeling that I’ve buried. I didn’t even know it was there.”
If you have that degree of awareness, then you take a look at that and say to yourself, “What would it take for me to release this or to allow this to pass?” Give me a call because I have a few openings for coaching. I work with people like this. I’ll help you awaken to your innate happiness. That comes from eliminating what’s in the way of that happiness. The moment that you recognize it, that’s when you make the shift. You go to where it is that you’re going to change your thought process or see it from a different perspective or whatever it is that you’re wanting to do. That will make a very big difference and soon, you’ll be so present that you’ll catch it right away as soon as you do it.
Pretty soon you’ll catch it before you say it. It won’t even come up for you because you have done the work that is necessary to have that be eliminated. Conscious compassion for self is important, but that doesn’t give you a get out of jail card for free thing. Meaning that you ignore it and you pretend like, “I was just doing what I was doing.” Instead, it’s like, “I’m committed to changing that.” Find the passion and the desire within yourself that you choose to be more astute and more aware. You can say, “What would it take for me to be completely present in every moment of every day?” There are so many things that you can start programming your headset for.
We can’t expect this, unless it does, to happen in a very short time. We have long programming paths, a lot of paths in our programming and that’s going to take us a while to be able to pierce through. Giving oneself the permission to understand that we’re not going to be perfect at first is important. You don’t get out of jail card just because you say that. It is about compassion and it is about the commitment to change and that’s great. Awareness is the key. You say that every week. You say that to me when we even coach. Every time it’s about awareness. Doing this for a while with Esateys, every time I hear it, I know a little place closer to that awareness. When that incident about the check came up, I caught it and I dealt with it. It does work and it’s a process.
I acknowledge you for that because there have been many times in the beginning that it would just go over the head and you would still be blaming me for what happened inside of you. You’ve changed tremendously and miraculously that I’m very excited. It’s been a process as it is for me and for everyone else. Understand that it doesn’t have to be, but it does seem to be the way that we make it happen because we don’t want to know the score of the game before it starts. We don’t want to know what the outcome is before we have an opportunity to do it.
Sometimes I still get pissed when something is said that triggers me. It’s having that awareness and being okay with it. I hope that helps. If you have any other questions about that, please let us know. We talked a lot of cool things about intimacy. Every time, it always comes back to you. We’d love to hear your questions. Please send them to us.
Please ask your friends to read this blog post because there will be better friends. You’ll have a more intimate relationship with them if you help engage them into self-discovery. Even without that reason, it’s a powerful way to take us beyond the moment that we have been living without any likelihood or possibility that there’s another way of perceiving things. Sharing it with other people is a powerful thing. I know a few of you have done that and that’s awesome.
It’s just another way of helping your friends and ultimately creating more intimacy in your life.
Thank you, everyone. We’re going to do our little question here and the question of the week is, “What if I allowed myself to open to true intimacy?” When you ask these rhetorical questions, the mind is Google search engine and it will go out looking for the answer. It’s going to bring back to you what it takes for you to be open to true intimacy because it’s another whole step in having yourself become more aware and more connected. One of the things that are also important in regard to your journey is I’m here to support you all. I do private coaching and other things. I want you to know that I would love to connect with you and help you experience that innate happiness that is going to become more apparent and more alive in you than you could ever dream or imagine. Until next time.
We’d love for you to share your experiences with this work, with what’s happened for you and what you’ve experienced. We want to know if there’s anything you’d want us to go into as well. It was fun. I enjoyed this. This started off a little uncomfortable for me, but I got it. It was very neat.
I acknowledge you for being so vulnerable. That was very cool.
Sometimes you have to teach what you need to learn.
Feel a hug and until next time. Know that this is the most awesome moment of your life.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.