Easy as it may sound, telling the truth is very difficult to do. Especially in uncomfortable situations, we find ourselves saying what others want to hear rather than what we really want to say. In this episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner enlighten us on what to do when we are afraid to speak our truth, be that in personal relationships or at work. They go deep into the things that keep people from confronting the incongruences happening within themselves to convey their truth. Finally, Esateys and Rafael then leave us with a great exercise that will move every relationship in your life to a whole new level of success, connection, and a reciprocal place of respect.
Episode Takeaway: “Every relationship is about your own self-development.”
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What To Do When You Are Afraid To Speak Your Truth
How are you doing, Esateys?
I’m doing great. I wanted to let everybody know the subject of what we’re going to speak about.
We cannot tell anybody about it yet.
It is a secret.
The name of our program is, What To Do When You’re Afraid to Speak Your Truth?
This came up as I was coaching someone, who is a business person that works for a very big corporation. She wanted to say some things to her other boss, but she was frightened to do so, which I can understand. Have any of you ever had a thought that you wanted to say something, but you either don’t say it at all or you dance around it because you never get to the point of what’s in your heart? You pick words that you think they want to hear, but it also doesn’t get to the point. You become paralyzed that you start speaking and it comes out as stuttering. You feel silly so it doesn’t turn out well. Fear is such a powerful tool to keep us from feeling great about ourselves and living from what it is that’s true for us. When I was with this person on the call, I suggested a few things. I wanted to share them with all of you.
What does it have to do with relationships per se?
Everything is a relationship. You probably remember that most of the time, we speak about relationships with your “significant other.” I want to remind you that what we’re speaking about is relationships in general because there is nothing that you are not in a relationship with. The principles that we speak about are applicable and sometimes critical to utilize with all of your relationships. The relationship with your work is an important thing. When you are at work, you recognize that you put on another whole persona. Most people do. They either feel higher up or they feel lower down.
It is much like in a regular romantic relationship.
Many times, it seems like for some people, the stakes are much higher at work because if they say too much, they might lose their job. When it comes to a relationship that we have on a personal level, most people feel that they have a little more latitude to be able to say what it is that’s on their minds. Although that’s not true for some people. It depends on how invested or how dependent upon the relationship that they are. In a work situation, especially when you are the employee, it gets a little trickier and you’re more publicly exposed.
You brought up an awesomely important point, which is it depends on your level of strength and power in the relationship, your perceived power.
Let me tell you all that this does not end as an employee because everybody is an employee relatively speaking. Let me explain that and we’re going to get back to the other little clues in a moment. If you think about a CEO, you might think, “He’s the head person. He doesn’t have to worry. He can say whatever he wants to anybody.” That is not true. The CEO has someone, who can fire him in a heartbeat. We’ve seen it many times. It might be the actual owner of the company, but it’s probably the board of directors, who are giving input as to the way the company is being run and its profitability. Even these days, the happiness of the workers there, how many people are staying? How many people are ill?Fear is such a powerful tool that keep us from feeling great about ourselves and living from our truth. Click To Tweet
There are many statistics that people look at to make sure that a company is up to the standards that the profit-desired people are looking for. They walk a line as well. Even an entrepreneur, they think that they do not have a boss, but their boss is their clients. It’s a little bit different, but in many ways, it’s the same thing. If your people are not happy with what it is that you’re providing. If you are not following through with what it is that you say you’re going to do, if you’re not utilizing integrity with what it is that you’re speaking or you’re making unrealistic promises, then people go away. They might sue you. They may slam you on the internet. Who knows what they’ll do? The bottom line is that everybody has a string lit or the likelihood that they’re going to be afraid when it comes to telling the truth. That’s the point of all of this. Don’t think that some people get excused from this, because they don’t.
Before we get into this whole fear about telling the truth, I want to remind everyone, back in June 2019, we did episode 21, How Communication Can Make or Break Your Relationship. If this subject is significant or you want to learn more about the whole communication thing, I remember that episode. It has a lot of good insights about us, about how to speak to your partner or your boss.
Also to children, your sister or your mother. This is what’s important. Remember that every single person in your life, every single event in your life and every single thing that you think, feel, say and do is based on a relationship. Let that sink in. That’s why we utilize relationships as a very powerful way to find who it is that you are and to learn how it is that you be in the world with all these different kinds of relationships. Your relationships are your best self-development course. When you become the observer of how you be in each relationship, you become much more educated about yourself, how your personality works and how you live in fear. You live in arrogance. You live in love and you live in compassion. All of these things help you know yourself better. The more you know yourself, the more empowered you will be to make choices that will give you results that make you feel better and give you results that are profoundly more aligned to what it is that you say you want in life, whatever that is.
You said another important word. We need to talk about it for a minute and that’s empowerment. When we’re empowered, when we feel we have the internal strength, when we don’t feel that we’re at effect of or subservient to or at risk of someone doing something to us, it’s hard to be empowered. It’s hard to go into the boss and say, “You’re wrong,” or whatever you say to them and not fear being fired. The first step here seems to me is that we have to know ourselves and be empowered to be able to speak the truth. Speak it in a way that can be heard. That’s where the whole communication thing comes in.
Empowered means not triggered. If ever you’re going to speak to anyone, if you are feeling triggered, it’s not a good time for you to “speak your truth.” Your truth is going to vary according to how you are framing whatever it is that is going on. There was an interchange between two people in our year-long program that occurred. One person was telling the other person about something that was important to them and person A, which is the one that was initially had some form of trigger went to person B and shared with them what was going on. Both of them got triggered. Here’s the gift because it’s important that you realize that when you speak your truth, you have to have an awareness. Person A had a very subtle but a trigger. It brought up fear in that person, shared with the second person what was going on because it was something that they had done. When that occurred, that person’s own feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment and all those things came up because they had done something that wasn’t supportive of the moment.
This whole thing comes up because neither one of them was in a pure state of being completely clear. What I’m hearing you say Rafael is empowered means that you are not in any way, shape or form triggered and that takes awareness. It means that you have to know what’s going on inside of you because if you go speak to anyone and you’ve got any of that feeling going on, it’s not going to come out. Even though you’ll say all the right words, there’s an energy that will be coming with it. No matter how subtle it is, it will allow the other person to find the trigger. What is great is that these are very advanced people in the work that they’ve done, as far as self-development. They were able to speak about it and get clear that the gift was that they both got to look at certain parts of their lives. They are responsible enough to know that nobody ever does anything to anyone, but rather they have an option to be able to see what was still somewhat under the covers and it got to bring it up. It was a gift, but when you’re dealing with somebody who doesn’t know what they don’t know, it is not always so much fun.
There are many important points in what you said. To bring it back a little bit is that, you have to be centered. You have to be grounded. The trigger has to be dissipated so you can get that clarity of speaking. Attached to that is having an open, pure or clean communication because if you’re triggered, that communication is not going to be clean. Even though you say, “I’m not triggered.” If you have any inch of trigger, you’re going to let go in some ways, a passive-aggressive kind of thing. That’s important. I had two instances of this where I was triggered at something. I actually practice this. I didn’t respond for 24 hours in both cases, then I was able to respond clearly and cleanly. You have to be grounded. You have to be understanding of that person. As you had said, it’s not about what the other person said, it’s always about you.
The first thing you mentioned was to be empowered, but the first thing is to have an awareness. Be aware of where you are and that takes a tremendous amount of insight. It takes practice because our egos are insidious and specialized in being able to convince us that the person did something. They did do whatever it is that they did. If you were completely in a centered place, you would notice that they did something and you wouldn’t need to “make them wrong” in any way, shape or form.
It’s like that expression, “Fighting for your limitations and stuff.”
People do this because they don’t know. It’s not like somebody is consciously fighting for their limitations unless they know that’s what they’re doing and then they’re being unkind. Let me get back to some of the things about speaking your truth when you are afraid. We know now that the first thing to do is to be aware of if and how many triggers you have. If you’re afraid, you’re already in trigger. The trigger means that you have something coming up that you feel that you’re going to lose if you speak what it is that’s on your mind. Always stay clear about what is it that you think you could possibly lose if you speak.If you're making unrealistic promises, then people will go away. Click To Tweet
Secondly, think about what it is that you want to speak about and determine what you want. In other words, do you want that person to do something different? Do you want to get yourself feeling better? If you do, are you looking to that person to help you feel better? Most of the time, that is the case. That’s a little clue. If we tell them what they did or what’s going on in your mind, that looks like it has something to do with them. For example, if you’re speaking to the “big boss,” you’re speaking about the boss that you’re directly responsible to. Then you go to the higher up and a part of you may want your immediate boss to get in trouble or to do something different. I’m not saying that it’s not okay to speak that but we come back to awareness, be aware of what you want, be aware of what outcome you’re looking for before you go speak to that person.
That determination of what you want can be very complex because on the surface, what you want or want to accomplish can be very different from what you are subconsciously trying to get across.
Some people want to punish another person. They’re afraid to speak what it is that’s on their mind because of the repercussions that will most likely occur. I’ve worked with people that are in a relationship with their children, for example. They don’t say how they fear because they’re afraid that their kids won’t speak to them, they won’t like them anymore or they’ll flat out go away. That happens a lot. The same is true with our romantic partners, whoever they may be, a boyfriend or a girlfriend or even a close friend and it’s not somebody that you’re having intimacy with on a physical level. We all are at a very core level looking at how we can get what we want without disrupting our experience of feeling loved and lovable. When we feel there’s something that we need to say and we’re afraid that it’s going to have that person go away on any level, verbally, emotionally or physically, then we will have a tendency to shut down.
When we shut down with something that’s going on with us and we don’t know how else to process it, it could be stuffed in our body. When we stuff it in our body, we end up with physical repercussions that can be very unfun. This happens very often with children. Children are told, “Be quiet. Don’t talk. Don’t cry. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.” They learn suppression from the get-go. They’re not allowed to speak up. They’re not allowed to speak out. They’re not allowed to have their own thoughts or their own opinions. They are certainly not allowed to “question authority.” Do you know how many people are out there and you can look inside yourself right now that gets triggered by authority? That is the gift of your upbringing. We get told to do things in a certain way when we’re young and that comes from what it is that looks like an authority.
Pretty soon, you don’t want a policeman telling you what to do. You don’t want a teacher to tell you what to do. You don’t want the IRS to tell you what to do. You don’t want anybody to tell you what to do. For some, it’s a huge piece of their personality. They shut themselves out of the world and do their best job at trying to control everything and everyone so they can maintain a sense of autonomy. They can gain a sense of false empowerment. They can control their environment and they can feel safe. There is no real joy in that. You’re not happy when you do that. It feels like a desperate need so you can feel like you can live. It gets down to something that extreme.
This conversation, as we go along, was getting deeper and deeper into very important points for understanding what goes on in one of these confrontations. One of the things that I was wanting to bring out and this is where the awareness thing comes in. Sometimes, it may not be the actual subject that someone is talking about or the criticism. It’s how that criticism is delivered and that criticism is like, “Do this, do that kind of thing.” It creates a trigger that takes a hairpin trigger, which will take you off really quickly and I know I have that. A lot of times, it’s not what’s being said, it’s how it’s being said that creates the trigger. The awareness and what do I want from this conversation is fundamental to know what to do when you walk into that office and into your boss’s office and have that conversation. That’s paramount.
It is very important that you have that awareness, but I would like to get to some of the tools that you can do. We’ve been speaking about is all the preparatory areas before you even say what you want to say. When you have all of the things that we’ve already spoken about clear and you are no longer in a trigger point and you already know what you want and you’re responsible for your part of whatever it is that’s going on, then there are some ways to help move this energy out of you. It’s not about stuffing it. It may or may not be about speaking to someone directly about it. Many times it is, sometimes it isn’t.
It can be about not throwing up on the other person. You have so much in there that you want to lay it on them so thick that they can’t even respond.
That’s in the way how it is delivered. Let’s take for granted that you’ve taken all the things that we’ve spoken about so far. Hopefully, you’ve taken notes and you are now clear internally. What does one do when that fear is still there? The first thing to do is to be okay with that fear. One of the things that you can do is take a few moments, close your eyes, and take five slow, deep breaths, allow yourself to relax. Notice where those feelings are being present in your body. Is your jaw tired? Is your stomach jumping up and down? Are you clenching your fingers? Are you clenching your toes? Is there tenseness in your neck or somewhere else in your body? Let your body show you where you’re holding that fear, that anxiety. Many times, that’s all you need to do. It dissipates away.
If it does not, the next thing to do is one of two things. Either sit down and journal it in with your handwriting, which some people think is more powerful than getting on a computer. The other way is to go on a computer and write a letter or an email to the person that you feel has done you wrong or whatever it is that you have on your mind. You’re not going to send this email. Before you even start writing it, if it’s in an email form, put up into place your own name and your own email address so you don’t inadvertently by habit send it to the other person. That is important. I’ve been there, done that. You put your name in the to place and then in the subject line, you can put some things on my mind or whatever you want and then you start writing what it is that comes out. You write a letter to this person.Relationships are a very powerful way to find who it is that you are. Click To Tweet
Write what’s on your mind, “I’m upset about the fact that you chose so and so for that job promotion instead of me. I’m afraid that no matter what I do, it is not good enough. I’m afraid that if I speak this to you and show you the things that I have done, you’re not going to notice or you’re thinking that I’m going to try to usurp other people’s capabilities,” whatever it is. If it’s with a romantic partner, you can write to them and go through the whole event, “I’m angry because. I’m fearful because. What I want is. What I am grateful for,” and then move into a place of love. There are also five steps that John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has written, which is a format that you could also use.
The most important thing is to allow yourself to speak, not in a way that sounds correct or any of that stuff, but it’s to unload a lot of the energy, the hurt, the pain, the guilt, sadness and the rage. Whatever it is that’s there, just allow it to come out and then stop after that’s done. Let a day or two go by. By then, in the ideal world, you will have quieted yourself down and enough of the energy will have dissipated away to where you’re not in a trigger and you are seeing things differently. At that point and not until that point, you can then sit down and write another letter.
This letter or email might say, “When such occurred, I noticed that I felt less than. I felt like I didn’t do it good enough. I felt upset. I felt angry,” and then move to the place of saying, “I realized all of these things are inside of me. I wanted to share with you that I am clear that this is not about you and yet, I still have had these feelings go on. What I would like is for you to reconsider me for this. I would like to know that it’s safe for me to say what is on my mind and know that we can communicate back and forth in a clean and loving way so we don’t withhold things from each other, which will inadvertently create a deeper sense of mistrust and a lack of safety.” It’s something along those lines. Rafael, does this all make sense?
It does. I’ve used this at your suggestion many times. That letter is usually clean. You’ve gotten past the hurts or you could understand what it is you want. This two-pronged process is very powerful.
It’s also important that you eliminate the word you. This is in the second letter. The first one just to unload, “You did this to me. You made me feel this way.” Let it all come out. When you’re writing the second letter, that’s when you pay very close attention to the ways in which you are communicating. After you’ve written the letter, let it sit for another day and then go back and read it again and make sure that there is no blame whatsoever. There is no attack. There is no, “You made me feel this way. You did this to me,” or any of those things because those are going to immediately create a sense of defensiveness in the person that you are trying your best to get an open and safe communication level with.
Writing a letter is a very good thing to help you get clearer about what’s going on. You may find that you don’t even need to send even the second letter. It’s all about you taking responsibility for your own process. There are other things that you can do, which is you can go ahead and speak to someone after you’ve done the preparatory work and you know that you’re not in the trigger. Remember that the most empowering things that you can do is allow yourself to admit when you did something that is not necessarily of the highest level. When you speak to somebody, own it, especially after the fact. Let’s say that you have experienced that and then you realize that, “I need to look a little deeper.”
When you look a little deeper, you realized that there could have been the slightest little bit of projection of blame, even if it was in the energy. If you don’t know that you did that, you can say, “I’m not sure whether I was as clean as I could have been, but I want you to know that my intention is always to have an open, clean and safe communication with you.” Depending upon the awareness the other person has if that’s a boss, you may or may not be able to say this, but if you’re with a partner that has been doing self-development work as well and you can say, “We both know that we have certain things that we will mirror to each other that triggered each other. I own my trigger. This didn’t have anything to do with you ultimately but at that moment, it seemed like it. Therefore, I’m desiring for us to hold the love between each other.” If you’re with a boss, you may say, “I would like to keep an open and clean communication to where I can feel okay with coming and saying to you what it is that is going on with me. What I see in the department and see if there isn’t something that we can do to help resolve the inner conflict or the incongruencies that are happening on our team or whatever the case.”
You said some powerful things about taking responsibility and coming clean with the other person. I think that taking responsibility creates the second important thing, which is safety so that the person to whom you’re speaking can feel safe. That he’s not being attacked, but that you’re craving or you’re desiring and open communication where you’re willing to lay it on the table and say, “I’m responsible here and I need to say it.” That safety will go so far in creating the environment for you to resolve whatever issues are on the tape.
It takes a very clear, powerful and empowered person to own their piece of what’s going on. Only your ego will not want you to say, “I made a mistake. I did this. I did that. Who cares?” It’s more about maintaining an open, clean, clear relationship with someone else and helping them feel safe and open to be able to communicate. Ultimately, that is going to enhance the advancement of the relationship, whether it’s with a child, a partner, a boss or anyone else for that.
What came to my mind the expression from A Course In Miracles, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” If your ego wants to clobber the other person, that’s one thing. If you’d like to be happy and are okay with letting your guard down so to speak and being vulnerable, that will take you miles ahead.The more you know yourself, the more empowered you will be to make choices that will give you results that make you feel better. Click To Tweet
There was a lot in this show and I recommend that you re-read these and take some notes. If you implement the things that have been spoken here, I can tell you without any hesitation that every relationship in your life will move to a whole new level of success, connection and a reciprocal place of respect. That is a very important part of living life.
It’s where two people come without their guards up and their guns blazing. They come as open individuals willing and wanting to make a connection. As to your point about taking notes, you can go to SelfHealingInstitute.com or from our website link, Esateys.com/podcast. You can go back through them, highlight and copy them. We make all of that available to you so that if you’d like to come back and read any of the things that we’ve said. It’s there for you.
Are they all transcribed?
Our people do a great job. They take out a lot of our fluff, the back and forth, kidding around that we often do. They get right to the guts. They have important quotes, which can be tweeted or retweeted if you find that helpful. It’s awesome. If you find a program like this one, which I agree is chock-full of stuff, it’s a great way to go deeper.
By the way, we’ve been writing new blogs. They’re fresh and new these days and I invite you to go to that place as well.
Which is at Esateys.com/blog, that’s on Esateys’ website. Here is your takeaway question.
What if I took a breath and spoke from my heart? When you do the things that we’ve talked about, your heart will open, you will feel safer. The way, the tone, the words, everything that you speak will come from a completely different place. What if I took a breath and spoke from my heart?
That’s very powerful. I would put it, what if I took a breath and spoke from the center place, which is essentially the same thing, but is a slightly different way of looking at it?
That works too. We are so happy to be with you all. We appreciate you giving us feedback and letting us know how you’re enjoying these and tweeting some of those things. That’s a cool idea. Put them on Facebook and help other people realize that they have the ability to live a different life. That’s how we’re going to make this world a different place than in many ways.
We will see you again next time with another great chapter.
Until then, feel a hug and remember that I am you, you are me and we are one. Bye for now.
- How Communication Can Make or Break Your Relationship?
- Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
- A Course in Miracles
- Relationships Done Different Facebook
- Relationships Done Different Twitter
- Relationships Done Different YouTube
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.