As the famous adage goes, life is not perfect. Indeed, it isn’t, and this imperfection can come from the relationships we have with everyone and everything around us. In today’s eye-opening episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner share some tips on what you can do when your relationship gets tough and how to identify and handle triggers when difficulties arise. They also share some stories about handling different situations and touch on the roles of auto-responses and communication in making relationships become untough.
Episode Takeaway: “Every relationship is about your own self-development.”
Watch the episode here:
Listen to the podcast here:
What To Do When Your Relationship Gets Tough
You guys are going to find this episode helpful because it applies to every aspect of all of our relationships. The title for this episode is, What to Do When Your Relationship with Anyone Gets Tough. Another way to say that is, what do you do when you get triggered in your relationship?
This can be any relationship. What comes to mind is that as we do these shows, most people think that it’s about a significant relationship or someone that you’re personally in a relationship with on perhaps a romantic level. This is more than that. I hope that you realize that. I hope that you’re telling your friends because a relationship is not just with another person. It is with your body, the environment, your workers, your boss, your children, your food, your money and all of its other things.
Even if you’re not in a relationship, this is important because somewhere in your life you are in a relationship.
Everywhere in your life, you are in a relationship.
What’s going on with you? What’s happening?
I’ve been thinking a lot about someone who has come to our meetup for a long time. He’s extremely awesome. His name is Jason. He’s a young guy in his twenties. He is accomplished, powerful, connected and alive with life. He is very committed to being aware, waking up and living his life differently than most people that are way older than him. He’s a gift to the planet. He has moved to Texas. Our group was speaking. We do a monthly potluck here at our home for our meetup people and people that are local, which you’re invited if you’re local. You’re also invited if you’re not local, you can fly in. He came up as a subject when we did our potluck. He has made such a significant impact on our group that so much love was brought up about him. That felt awesome. When we were at our meetup, it was brought up again. The point of this is you make a difference.
It’s very important that as you are sitting there, you’re driving, or whatever it is that you’re doing, do not ever underestimate the power and the degree of impact you are making in other people’s lives. How you are supporting them in shifting into a great deal of gratitude, self-empowerment, and everything along those lines. It’s done without you even knowing it. Jason didn’t even realize what an amazing impact he made on this group and still is. We communicate back and forth. He’s going to create his magnificence so it has felt where he is now living. Hopefully, he’ll come back and we’ll get to be with him again on a personal or on a physical level. For now, we’re sending the connection across the airways. This is what I feel is very important for you to realize is that when you are very true to yourself, when you’re very authentic, when you are very committed, and you do whatever it is that it takes to follow through with your own personal self-development, that can’t help but overflow into other people’s lives. Who you are makes a difference.
Jason is a regular person who does his thing and impacts many people. It’s powerful to know that the essence of you is more than enough. You reach out to people in ways you don’t know.Who you are makes a difference. The essence of you is more than enough. Click To Tweet
What are we talking about?
What to do in your relationship with anyone gets tough.
This is something that everybody touches at one point in their life or another. Some people I talk to say they live in this place multiple times. When you are in a relationship, any relationship, I’m going to reiterate that this could be with someone you work with. I get a lot of people coaching that are having difficulty with people that they work with, people that they interact with. It’s either family or work and on the romantic one-to-one side as well. It’s amazing to me how much difficulty there is out there in the world with other people that we don’t necessarily live with, but we interact with on a continuous basis. We know that pretty much, everybody goes through this many times, perhaps in their day, in their week, or certainly in their life. Some people that I’ve coached, they are in that all the time. Therefore, it’s important to recognize that this may not be with a partner that you’re living with, but rather people that you work with, which is very common for me to work with people that have that issue and with people that have difficulty with their family. Those are two very common or important pieces.
Here’s the number one thing to remember. Every relationship is about your own self-development. It is your invitation to decide who it is that you choose to be at any given moment. It is to show you where you have resistance, judgment and issues about things that perhaps you think you’re right about or that you don’t want to look at. You have internally suppressed them. What happens is another person comes into your life to show you that they’re there. This is a very important thing. If you have any trigger about anything, you have something going on inside of you. Triggers are always resistances and resistances are showing you that there is something that you have a judgment about, that you don’t approve of.
Judgments can also be good things, things that you like. Judgment happens in one direction or another, but I’m primarily focusing on things that upset you, that you have resistance to, that you would like to be different, and you think sometimes are absolutely positive that they should be different. You look at our politics. You look at pretty much anywhere in life and you will see that there is a hardcore belief system about the way things should be. People stand up, fight, riot and die for a belief system, for a thought process. They frame it as a way of being a hero because the need to be right is huge in human consciousness that people spend most of their time doing everything and anything they can to be right and to prove it. If you pay attention to your triggers, the question that you can ask yourself first off is, “What am I holding on to? What is it that I am committed to being right about?”
When you ask that question, if you take a moment and look a little deeper, you will see that you are committed to being right because there is an underlying fear that if you are wrong, it’s going to cost you something. It’s going to cause you some perceived pain or suffering. If you follow that even deeper, what you will find is that it will take you to literally dying to death. I know that seems a little extreme to some of you, but if we ever worked together, I’ll show you exactly how that process works. The bottom line is that when somebody triggers you, stop, do not speak, do not do anything except breath. When you stop, you breathe through your nose holding it and exhaling through your mouth. Allow your body to interrupt the need to react, then things can be assembled internally a little bit different if you allow for that. That means that you’ve now stopped, you’re now breathing, and you can ask yourself the question, “What am I trying to prove? What am I defending? What belief system do I have right here, right now that I’m defending? Why do I have to be right?”
The interruption of that pattern will help you grow tremendously. It’s a lot trickier when you’re at work and you have a co-worker or maybe even a boss that is a certain way. Has it dawned on you? Maybe you are mirroring to them things that they’re afraid of or that they don’t like. If that’s occurring and you’re not triggered, then you know it’s coming from over there. If it’s happening and you’re triggered, then it’s over with you. It may be in both of you at the same time. It usually is because we butt against our own internal belief systems. We are fighting for our lives on a subconscious level. Remember, 99% of what it is that I’m speaking about is subconscious. That’s what I want to get across to you is to become conscious, become aware of what you’ve hidden underneath the covers. When you do, you will have a much greater understanding of why certain people plug you in. If you investigate that, you’ll probably see that there’s a pattern among these people that will show you a pattern inside of yourself that you have not taken a look at or you may see, but you don’t approve of it. You’d judge it. You shove it and then it pops up over here in Johnny Joe or Susan Cue. Is this making any sense?
It does make sense to me, but my biggest issue in terms of mastering this is that sometimes when I get triggered, I could go from 0 to 2,000 in about two nanoseconds. It’s hard to become aware that I’m in a trigger. Speak to that, please. I’ve talked with you about this many times, but sometimes we are so taken that the wound, the trigger is deep.Every relationship is about your own self-development. Click To Tweet
It’s true. Things come on auto-response that we don’t see mainly have any “control over.” We see things show up that we are stunned when we see or hear it come out of our mouths. The moment that you notice that auto-response came up, you take a breath. If you’re in a place where you are willing, you can say, “That was an auto-response. I would like to restate what is on my mind. This is what’s really going on.” If your ego won’t let you say that to someone because that means that you admit that you did something that wasn’t it is that you wanted to do, which the ego does not like, at least in the moment, notice inside of yourself what’s going on, take a breath, and you can do one of many different things.
One is internally going in and feel what you’re feeling in your body. Feel the tension. The heat may be rising. There may be churning in your stomach or clenching of your teeth. What are the literal physical sensations that are going on in your body? If you move your attention to the body sensations, it’s amazing how that shifts. If that’s not something that you seem to be able to do, believe me, you can always do these things, but sometimes it seems like we can’t. If that’s not possible, you have the ability to say it. One is you can say, “I choose differently.” You’re interrupting the pattern at that point because the purpose is to interrupt the pattern of the recycled autopilot response, which is recycled ignorance. When you do that repeatedly, what occurs is that you are making a statement to the universe that you are committed to changing that auto-response. It will change and sometimes it takes a little bit of time to do that.
That’s recognizing that the auto-responses about you has nothing to do with what the person said that triggered you.
The person is strictly your mirror. Remember that relationships are a mirror to our hidden programs. When you realize that, then you see that the person who’s in your life is an amazing gift because they’re showing you something that you have brought up so you have the ability to shift that. There are other things that you can do when you noticed this. One is if you have a commitment to only be and express the love, in that moment, when you realize what occurred, you can take a breath, stay in your body, and at that point make a decision about what you’re committed to. Are you committed to being right? Are you committed to being happy? Are you committed to proving something, which is along the lines of being right? Do you want to be a victim or do you want to be a master? In that moment, who is it that you are choosing to demonstrate yourself as in life? Every single moment gives us an opportunity to do that. In that moment, you can make a choice to choose love. You can say, “I choose differently.” You could also say, “What would it take for me to see this through the eyes of love? You could say, “I choose the love here.”
You could say, “What is the value of me holding onto this old belief?”
There are many things that you can do at any given moment. The key is to do something different than going unconscious. When you recognize that the only answer is to open up your heart with compassion, which seems like it’s for the other person. What you know is it’s about your compassion with you. You do not have to walk around in a state of defensiveness, which is where most people come from. People walk around with a sword in their hand and a shield in front of their chest because they do not feel safe. What if you were aware that you recognize that and you change the pattern in you? That gives them an opportunity to change the pattern in themselves. The things that I’m speaking about, I’m not saying they’re easy. This is the advanced work that you’re reading. For those of you that are committed to reading to these blogs and sharing them with others, that means that you have a very core, deep desire to do things differently, to make your life differently, to wake up to an awareness level that you didn’t have before. In doing that, you are being in service to the planet and to everyone on it. When all you’re doing is figuring out how to get happier yourself, that’s what you’re doing. What happens is the overflow effect is huge that it’s magnificent.
The one thing that I wanted to bring out here that I thought was very significant is two points. One is that you don’t recognize the trigger immediately when it’s happening. Let’s say you have the trigger, you say and you do whatever it is that you do. When you go off by yourself or you find yourself agitated, it’s still not too late to go through the process that Esateys was talking about because it will interrupt that pattern of thought. If you’re able to, you can go back to the person with whom you had the trigger and talk it through and apologize. Let them recognize along with yourself that you’re willing to change this. I find that it’s never too late to do that.
The second point I wanted to make, Esateys, I’d like your comment on this. If we don’t do this. If we continually carry around our trigger, our baggage, which grows every time the trigger happens if we don’t deal with it. There’s a little extra on that issue in your backpack. It becomes harder and harder and it will affect your other relationships. With regard to that, let’s say you’re not in a romantic relationship, but you continually have to relate these issues or these triggers at work, by not dealing with them, by not processing them through, by not dissipating them, you’re going to recreate that in another relationship, that will be a bar, that will be an impediment to you able to have a new relationship. That’ll show through in any interaction you have with someone else because it’s all part of you.Whenever we are not at peace internally, it means that we're in conflict. Click To Tweet
Both of those were really good points. When we ignore things, they grow. They don’t go away. We may not think about them for the next whatever period of time, but that doesn’t mean that they went anywhere. What it means is that they have been stuffed. Sometimes they’re stuffed in the body as heaviness, as extra cells. It doesn’t have an absolute way of happening with people. In other words, some people gain weight, some people lose weight, some people will be more passive-aggressive, some people will be more readily irritated. They flare off. Those people that somebody looks at them cross-eyed. There are all different ways that we deal with what I’ll call incongruent energies in our bodies. Whenever we are not at peace internally, it means that we’re in conflict. You’re not in the flow. When you’re not in the flow, that starts to rumble up and it’s like a snowball going downhill. It will keep on gathering and getting bigger. That’s why it’s critical to deal with these things when they’re up. When you recognize that, what is important is go get it. It’s right there.
I’m not saying that you have to go inside, rip up your past, and look for things to process through. I’m talking about being in the moment with whatever it is that’s coming up. As Rafael said, “If you don’t have to catch it right then later is okay.” I’ll tell you a story about someone that I coach. I’ll call her Carol. I was speaking to her about something around this and she said, “Esateys, I don’t think that fast. I don’t catch it. I’m not aware that it’s even happening. After I feel like that person has bettered me and/or I’m back at them like crazy. I walk away feeling awful. I’d feel guilty. I feel beaten up by the other person and both of those things. I don’t know how to deal with that.” That’s when I let her know that when she walks away and she catches it, she does some awareness process like the things that I was speaking about, not in rubbing her own nose in it and feeling guilty, but rather go from a place of, “I’m grateful. I saw that. I know what I’m committed to. Next time, when that comes up and each time, it will get easier.”
I worked with her for some time. She has gotten so much more aware and so much quicker with recognizing when the bricks hit her and she didn’t see it. She’s seen it very quickly. She’s able to do something about it. Sometimes it’s about speaking up and setting boundaries for yourself to someone. Sometimes it’s about going internally and recognizing that you haven’t been telling the truth to that person. When we have conflict in relationships, it’s almost always because the truth has not been expressed. We’ve hidden what’s going on with us and it comes up in ways that we don’t realize the other person is showing us places that we have been hiding. There was somebody that I was coaching who was an engineer. This person was not happy in his work situation. He wasn’t happy because he never felt like he was getting the promotions. He always felt like he didn’t fit in. He felt like he was in a place where he wasn’t acknowledged.
I said, “What do you do at your work? How do you express yourself?” He told me what they did and throughout the conversation, I learned that he hardly ever spoke to anyone. He didn’t even go up and tell people what he wanted or what he needed. He was allowing himself to be a doormat to everyone around. He has many judgments about everybody else, including his boss, that he didn’t even realize that he was putting out an energy that wasn’t very friendly. It was no wonder that people didn’t want to be around him. He wasn’t finding himself being invited to other teams or being comfortable with the bosses’ reviews of him because he was exuding something that was hidden. He didn’t feel safe. After we spoke about this, I suggested to him that he speaks to his boss’ boss just as a social visit. I suggested that he goes to speak to the boss and say, “My name is Jim. I’m in this department. This is what I do. I wanted to introduce myself because I think that this business and this company that we have is fabulous. I’m learning how to fit in better. I wanted to tell you that you’re doing a great job.” This was incredibly scary for this person to do this, but this person did that. Afterward, he was a completely different person because he spoke up about something that was going on with him.
I had him go to his immediate boss and asked his immediate boss, “What can I do that would help our relationship become more fluid, more complementary to each other? What is it that you need that I might not be seen yet? What are your expectations?” It was phenomenal. What happened was his first boss was stunned and said, “Nobody’s ever come and asked me that.” They ended up having a conversation that was quite enlightening. The things that Jim had been holding inside of himself, he got to share that in an open and significant way. The boss now became much more open because he’d been walking around with his idea that the boss flat out didn’t like him. He made it up in his head. He projected it on that person. The person was being withdrawn from him and not giving him special assignments that he wanted and all these other things.
Communication is critical when it comes to having difficulty in a relationship. It is about them showing you something, but there are a lot of things that you can do with what it is that they’re showing you. You look inside first and you see where it is that you’re at. You decide for yourself, what do you want? If you want an open-clear communication and open-clear healing with that person, which means you take the time and feel an interrupted process. Secondly, look at communicating with that person with an open, compassionate and very kind energy. That will be hard for an ego, but it would not be hard for you because who you are is already all those things.
Both of those examples that you gave, with the two people you coached, what I was thinking is you kept saying it is as each of them went forward. The second person when he was talking to his boss, what he’s doing is emptying his backpack. He’s taking one little layer out of that backpack so that it becomes lighter and easier for him to be the way Esateys was talking about. It is easier to be loving because he has got rid of the stuff that has been in there that has been bogging him down. I was flabbergasted at the metaphor, fulfilling, packing and unpacking the backpack because that is huge. We carry it around. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That second person who didn’t get the recognition, he was causing that. It was self-fulfilling because he had those feelings. Once that shifted, once there was an interruption in that pattern, everything changed for him.
The other thing that is an example of both of these people is they became very proactive instead of reactive. They became proactive with the commitment to have an open, honest, clear “loving experience” with whomever it is. They didn’t have to use all those airy-fairy or girly terms like love, but in their heart of hearts what they decided that they wanted was to feel at peace inside of themselves. Anybody who wants peace inside of themselves has got to go give that peace. Anybody who wants more love in their life has to go give more love in their life. Be the change you want to see in the world. Gandhi said it beautifully. The question is, are you willing to live that way to get what ultimately you want?What you do in each moment will determine your experience of the next moment. Click To Tweet
If you want to be right, then you won’t do these things. If you want to be happy, if you want to make a difference in your world and the world of other people because you know that your children and your grandchildren deserve. They want a place that is less caustic, less volatile, less driven by hate and attack, then do what it is that you know you can do to clean up your own act, which will help other people clean up their own act. These two examples, the environment. I got an email from the second person that I was speaking about. It’s been years since I’ve coached him. He wrote and said, “I want you to know that I’m in a new group. I love every person that I work with. I love my boss. I’m excited.” He’s living his dream life with the place where he had originally come to me to ask me about helping him transition, quit his job, and go somewhere else because this place was unbearable for him. He has since been promoted more than once and loves the people that he’s living with. It all came down to him. It wasn’t the work, it was his own inner work that made the difference.
Here’s something I wanted to share that I learned and it is a litmus test to find out where you are. Let’s talk about being in business or personal relationships would also apply. How many times do you go around judging people in your organization? Let’s say in your team, the people you work with, the people you have contact with, how often do you judge them? The second piece that is equally important is if one of those people gets a promotion or a pat on the back, are you happy for them? Are you resentful of them? If either of those is the case, if you’re resentful and you’re not happy, if you’re judgmental, then you know you have stuff to cleanout.
Life presents an opportunity to design and create the life that you choose. It’s all up to you. What you do in each moment will determine your experience of the next moment. It’s incredibly powerful to recognize that you are the designer of your experience and you can become an experienced life from the totality of joy.
If what we’ve said makes a difference for you, if you do something different and it creates a result that you’d like to share, we would love to know how you’re doing with this. We would be happy to help you. We would like to know if these principles that we’ve spoken about have helped and how they’ve helped in your life.
Send me an email, Esateys@Esateys.com, or post somewhere, wherever it is that you’re reading this. Let us know because we love doing this work. We love practicing what it is that we speak. This little thought came to me. You probably know that we do a retreat. If you would like to have 2 or 3 days of amazingly deep, intense transformation occur for you in any area of your life, contact us. We’ll let you know where and when the next retreat is because being in person with the energy and the principals, you will absolutely walk away a completely different person, aligned more profoundly to whom it is that you truly are, what it is that you truly desire, and with more joy in your heart than you could’ve ever dreamed or imagined.
I love what we talked about. It brought out very powerful insights. The question of the week, Esateys?
What would it take for me to see my relationship differently? When you reframe your judgment, your attack, your blame, and all the other things that we as humans do to a place of recognizing that it is your gift and the choices, do you accept the gift or not? It’s always the balls in your court. I’m holding for the sake of you and everyone on this planet that you do choose differently than the old reaction. Be proactive with the caring and the love that comes from within you.
Until next time. Please send us your comments, any emails, anything you’d like us to talk about. More importantly, feel the love.
Know that I am you, you are me, and we are one. We’ll talk soon.
- Relationships Done Different Facebook
- Relationships Done Different Twitter
- Relationships Done Different YouTube
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.