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What To Do With Feelings You Are Afraid To Express
When you think about it is something that we face all the time. What do we do with feelings that we’re afraid to express?
This is an important piece for us to look at. The majority of the people in the world either don’t know what they’re feeling or they know what they’re feeling, but they’re too afraid to speak about what they’re feeling or they want to speak about what they’re feeling, but they don’t know how to do that. Granted sometimes it’s pretty difficult to do that when you are having feelings about someone that does not have an open mind, an open heart or a willingness to listen to what it is you have to say or even has any interest in what it is you have to say. One important thing is to be aware of how aware you are, how aware the other person is and where that other person functions from. This might sound like it’s complicated.
At any rate, what is powerful and important about this is that when we make a decision that we choose to have a broader peripheral vision. When we have a more all-encompassing awareness of what’s going on around us. We’re not living in our own little closet and wondering why there’s nobody understanding us or nobody that we can feel safe with or why there isn’t anybody that we can communicate with. Many times when people speak about what’s going on with them, they speak either dance it around the bush and they never tell the truth. They’re afraid of what response or rejection they might receive or else they are so blunt and brusque or difficult or sometimes abusive that the other person couldn’t hear them if they even wanted them to.
Whenever we have somebody speaking to us or acting in any way that’s harsh or threatening on any level, there’s going to be a shutdown. That’s what we do as human beings. We do not want to stand in front of the bullet if it’s coming our way. When we are speaking about what our subject is, what do we do with these feelings? The first thing is to have this awareness. You have an awareness of what’s going on inside of you. Your job isn’t to perceive and decide what the other person is thinking, saying or feeling. You can pay attention to what they’re doing. You can pay attention to their body language when you’re speaking to see how they’re receiving what you’re saying.Emotional intelligence is understanding where the other person is and what that person’s ability to hear is. Click To Tweet
If you want people to hear you, you have to be cognizant enough to know when they’re able to hear what it is that you‘re saying or not. That means you are the one responsible for your own awareness of yourself. Here’s a tricky piece. What’s wrapped around the feeling that you have going on there? Let me give you an example. I was working with someone. They were looking at wanting to say something to their partner. This person is usually pretty caustic with the way they speak what it is going on with themselves. They don’t sugarcoat it. They’re not even conscious. They take their own pain and suffering and they smack it on the other person. They wonder why the other person doesn’t speak to them for periods of time, doesn’t like them or doesn’t speak kindly back to them or any of that.
That’s a whole other subject that we aren’t going to talk about. What we are going to talk about is that when you are conscious, when you are aware, you are looking internally and you recognize your feelings. Once you recognize the feelings, you are most likely going to define it with some word. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I feel so betrayed. I feel whatever it is, if you can even get to the feeling stage because many people don’t even know the labels. They know that they feel whatever they feel. They want to get rid of that feeling without even a label. Let’s go with for this moment that you label the feeling, which is pretty naturally done. This person that I was working with was enraged and upset. Anger would be a soft word for this situation.
This person was not paying at all attention to what was going on with the other person, but rather they were thinking about how they felt. They took that and they dumped it on the other person. What most people do is criticizing, judging, making them wrong and making them feel little. You can’t make anybody feel anything, but utilizing words and energy that puts someone in a place of defensiveness, which immediately means you’re wrong. You’re not enough. You’re not okay. When that happens, people are not open to even work through anything that you may have going on.
This person says to their partner, “You made me do this and it’s your fault that this has occurred. I want you to fix it because you’re the one who caused it in the first place. I don’t know how I got wrapped into this and I’m not willing to do it.“ They’re going back and forth with this un-fun interchange. That’s one way to handle your feelings. Pull them up and throw them at somebody like a torch. You’ll find that when you do that, your conversation doesn’t turn out to be productive. In fact, most people go away feeling beat up, suppressed, depressed and even angrier.
I want to say we did our show on Are Your Judgments Getting In The Best Of Your Relationship? We did speak about a lot of these triggers, these things that take you from 0 to 100 on your reaction scale quickly. That’s the number one piece here that we have to be aware of. You said something I thought that you started off with and that is after you know where your anger is, you know what’s bothering you. The next important thing is to see if you can bring it together, is to hear, is to determine what the hearability of your partner is. That I thought was important because you could be as loving or as cranky as you are. If the other person is not going to hear you or that will determine a whole bunch about how the way this conversation is going to go. I thought that maybe you could speak more a little more about this. It’s like an emotional intelligence of understanding where the other person is and what that person’s ability to hear is.
If you’re reading this, you are into personal development. If you’re reading this, you care about yourself, others and life on some level. Even if you think you’re passing the time by getting more intellectual information, but underneath that, if you don’t consciously have the awareness, you do have a desire to be a more profound light in the world, more profound happy person, whatever word you want to use. Therefore, that means that you get to be the master in the situation. You get to be the lead person in the experience. What that means is that you take responsibility for noticing what’s going on. You notice how you’re feeling and even though you may have this huge urge of rage that you want to dump on somebody else, this is where you go, “Enough.” You might need to say that to yourself and you stop yourself. You stop yourself by taking five breaths in through your nose. Hold it to the count of five. Exhale the count of five slowly and you interrupt your recycled program, which is, “I feel bad. I’m going to give that bad feeling to somebody else.“
As you’re breathing, you can put out your sensors. If you’re in person with the other person, you can notice where they’re at. Are they big–eyed and enraged back? Are they standing there with their arms crossed? Are they about to cry? What response do you see in their body? When you have the desire to have a powerful interaction with someone, you learn how to speak in a way that they can hear. Here’s my experience. As most of you know, I have coached thousands of people. What I have been in the midst of is people that want to tell me off. Sometimes they aren’t liking what it is that I’m saying. That’s okay with me because I have the ability and the conscious choice to determine how much they can hear and to what depth they can hear and how I can put together words that will allow to hear something deep without feeling attacked. Let me tell you in advance, some people will feel attacked anyway because that’s where they are in. That’s a place to run. They’re stuck there and they think that everybody and everything is attacking them.
We’re going to pretend for a moment that the person isn’t in that extreme of a situation. You are all welled up. You decide, “I can do this.” This all happens in nanoseconds. The other person may be dumping on you. You’re internal and you are with your eyes open or close. Usually, they’ll stay open, but at the same time, you’re inside yourself. You’re observing the person and you’re seeing, “They are losing it over there.“ It’s irrelevant. Maybe you said something that blew them off into that place of radical overload. That’s irrelevant. What you have to decide as the leader of the moment is, what do I want? Do I want some resolution here? Do I want to be right? Do I want to be happy? Do I want to be one up on them? Do I want to show them that I’ve got it together, but they don’t? When you know what the purpose of everything that comes out of your mouth is, you will totally understand yourself and life a gazillion times better.When you have the desire to have a very powerful interaction with someone, then you learn how to speak in a way that they can hear. Click To Tweet
That is so incredibly right on. That gave me the chills when you said that because every part of your communication is based on that knowledge and that direction. It’s like knowing how you’re going to go and you’re not going to get diverted by somebody saying anything or whatever’s pissing you off. That is so awesome. I am excited about hearing that.
I’m glad that you are and I hope others were able to hear it at the depth that you heard it because what it is that I’m saying is that you are a profound capable person. You are a master of your mind, of your heart, of your thought processes and every part of you. It’s that most of the time we don’t know that until we do. I‘m here to tell you that you are. With that, that means that you get to stay present to what is it that you want and what your payoff for what it is that you’re doing next. Before you open your mouth, maybe you first have started the whole thing with an attack on them, making them wrong, judging them, whatever.
Now they’re in reaction and all of a sudden, it hits you, “Look what I have just poured up a gallon of gasoline and I threw the match in there. Now, what am I going to do?” You breathe. You watch what the person’s going through and you realign to yourself. You realigned to yourself by breathing. It’s not like some big ritual. You don’t have to go out and do a rain dance with your drum or anything. It’s a matter of being internally aware that you are choosing what happens next. The person is over there giving you a whole lot of rhetoric about how they’re feeling because they’re off the reservation. They‘re not thinking.
You, on the other hand, have gotten yourself into the center of yourself and you’re now asking yourself, “What is my purpose here? What do I want out of this situation?” In the ideal world, you would say, “I want peace. I want to come from a more loving place than I did at the beginning of this conversation. I want this person to be able to hear me and I want them to feel heard.“ When you live your life with that thought process and that way of being, if that’s your way of being, your whole life is going to be completely different and you will help shift other people’s lives as well. You are quiet, you’re within and you go, “I want to have this person feel like they’re heard. I want them to feel safe and I want the same thing for myself.“ At that moment, you may not have a clue what to do. You may be sitting there, “I’m clear about what I want, but I don’t know how to do that. There’s a part of me that is still gurgling some. I’m a little bit pissed.
Isn’t your truth that you want some resolution? Something got you angry, something got you mad so that you don’t want that situation to reoccur again. You want a resolution. If you can get past, I need to be right this time. You want to make sure it doesn’t happen in the future. How do you deal with that?
What you want is to have that person make it all better. Unless you’re extremely conscious, you want that person to say something, do something and be some way that you’re going to feel like you are okay. That what they did was wrong so you can feel better. That’s a one–way street. One way streets do not work in relationships. Remember, I’m not speaking about a romantic relationship, I’m speaking about the voice you have going on in your head with yourself. I’m talking about your relationship with your parents, children, boss or friends. It doesn’t matter. This is a generic communication issue that’s important. The core of who you are is deciding how you be. If you are living in a state of abject terror, if you’re living in a place of fear, you want somebody else to make you feel okay instead of being responsible for you being okay. You’re supporting what’s going on and resolving itself in a way where everybody wins.
My question was ultimately we want resolution. Resolution of a perceived problem, a perceived judgment, a perceived whatever that we think is wrong. That’s why the whole conversation started in the first place. The awareness is important. The real question is do we expect the other person? Is the other person who has to change or is it you who has to change in your thinking and your perception, the way you see it?
It has to be you that makes the change. If you want your life to be different because as I’ve said many times, I have spent a whole bunch of years trying to get other people to be what I wanted them to be. They never were. They still are not. That’s because I’ve finally recognized that this is my world, my perception, my reality and I get to decide whether I want to be happy, sad, mad or glad. Nobody can do anything to me. If I have a trigger that’s a personal issue because I have a belief system that something should be this way and they’re showing me that it’s not the way that I think it ought to be, at least from their perception. We get into a real conflict. When we’re in the midst of this and you make a decision that you want resolution.
The resolution you want is the next important thing to be thinking about. Do I want resolution by them getting down and being my doormat or apologizing? You want them to apologize. You want them to say, “I’ll never do that again,” or do you want the resolution where they realized that what they did is they were coming from the best place. They knew how. At that moment, they may change it or they may not. Your job is to make a decision whether you’re okay with that or you are not. You get to decide because if they don’t say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.“ Are you going to take that experience and ruin the rest of your day, the rest of your life, your relationship? What are you going to do with that? Ultimately, it’s about you deciding whether you want happiness or not.
It’s about you deciding if you think you’re going to get everybody in your world, maybe on the planet to think as you do and to make you feel like you’re wonderful. I have a news bulletin. It will never happen. If you’d want true happiness, which is what this work is about, true core, inner, innate happiness or an innate joy, you are the one who’s going to get that by how you frame what it is that’s going on in your life. Therefore, when you’re with somebody who is dumping on you, whether you started it or not, you have to make a decision about how you’re going to perceive it. I know that the title of this episode is What to Do with Feelings You are Afraid to Express? We ought to get there.
What I’m speaking about here is one example. Another example which I see very often is and it happens to be more with women than men, but I’m not saying it’s exclusive by any means. That is they feel like a worm of the dust and they will usually create a boss of a parent, a child or a partner that will support them in their belief system and how do they do that? They do that by judging them, making them wrong, belittling them, finding fault with them, whatever it is. When you get to that place, usually the people that are in this place are terrified of speaking their truth. They’re terrified to say what they feel. Usually, it’s because they need to be loved so huge that they will do whatever it takes to have somebody not be mad at them.When you know the purpose of everything that comes out of your mouth, you will understand yourself and life a gazillion times better. Click To Tweet
Has that ever happened to you? Has that ever happened to those of you that are reading to where you know that you wanted to say something, you don’t want to smack that person or say something to them but you didn’t because you were afraid of what results or what reaction you would get? The reaction might be something like silence. That’s one of the most aggressive ways that you can hurt someone is by not speaking to them. Another way is to verbally attack them. Another is to physically attack them. Another way is to come at them with body language that you get in their space. I’ve seen this a lot. A guy might come up into a woman’s face and get right an inch from their face and even if they don’t talk, they stare them down and they make faces that are vile. Some people would call evil. There is so much body language and so many words and all these things that could happen.
What happens to the person who was already intimidated and not living with their shoulders back on their chin up and their face to the sun? What they’re doing is getting and shrinking. I was in a relationship once where at the end of the relationship, what I realized is that when I’d met this person, I was this bright blooming incredible flower. By the end of the relationship, because I was this person that I’m speaking about, I was like a wilted flower that barely could even accept any kind of life, depressed, energy, self–esteem and everything else that goes along with that. There was no way I was going to speak back to or up to someone because I had a lot of deep, ingrained programs from parental stuff that made it impossible for me to have the courage to do that at that time. What do we do in a situation like that you might ask?
I read an article about this where there was an ice skater who was sexually assaulted, but she was afraid to come forward because she was afraid of retaliation both in our industry and being judged and all that stuff. It’s the fear of retaliation as well. If someone’s on top of me in terms of a hierarchy or whatever, there’s that constant fear that they can’t do anything about it.
They’re afraid that they will lose their job, their position, their status. People won’t believe them. They‘ll be judged because it’s like women who are raped a lot of times they won’t even tell anybody because they’re afraid. You probably brought that on. Powerless is what we’re speaking about here.
What do they do now?
When you feel powerless, the thing to do is, first of all, understand that it takes empowerment, courage and confidence to be able to come up to that. The first step is to be straight forward and aware within yourself of how you feel and how you feel is always going to come with labels. I would write it down. I would write a letter to myself at first or you can write a letter to the person that you feel has “done something to you“ or you feel intimidated by or abused by. You write a letter to them and you say, “Everything is on your mind. I hate that this has happened. I resent you for this.“ All of the things that come out, no bars held. You absolutely say everything that’s on your mind, how hurt you are, how you would like to throttle them or whatever it is and get that out. Be with it for a day and see if there’s more in there. If there’s more in there, write it again because another whole layer might come up. You don’t do anything with these letters.
What you do is write about it, you express it and you are allowing yourself to release it. After a while what happens is there is virtually always a dissipation of the violence of the feelings within. From there, what you can do is take those letters, burn them and let that go away. Burn the letters and let it be released. You can sit down, which might be a day after that. You can write a letter. One of the letters that I’ve used a lot, which I love is John Gray‘s love letter. You can Google it and find it because it goes through five different steps of ways that you can write a letter. It doesn’t mean you even have to send it to the person, but it’s a powerful thing to do. It’s what I hate, love, resent, I am sorry for, I don’t remember the five things off the top of my head.
The bottom line is writing what the things are and coming down to the bottom, which is love. What I love is this, and when you go through the whole cycle, you can bring yourself back to love. At that point, you may be usually are feeling much better internally that you got to get rid of this and you got to express it. You’re feeling better internally. Based on that, a lot of times you don’t have to do anything with those feelings. You don’t have to go speak to the other person about it. You don’t have to do anything with it. If there’s something that’s still hanging on, at that point, what’s a great idea when things are calm and not an activation, learn how to communicate. I can’t remember if we’ve done any episodes on conscious communication, but if we have you all search for it and go back and get it. If not, send me an email and I’ll do one on it right away quick so you can have a better understanding of how to communicate about what’s on your mind that is not attacking but rather in total and complete ownership.
You may know these couple of little principles. I’ll give you one is that you always use the word I and you’ll give up the word you. You take full responsibility for what’s going on. Instead of you make me feel this way, you say, “When this occurs, I feel,” and you always put it back on yourself. The minute you start blaming, the minute that person’s wall is going to come up and they won’t be available for you, it doesn’t matter if they think they’re “winning.” It has nothing to do with anything. If they think that and that makes them be more open, who cares? You know who you are. When you know who you are, you don’t need anybody else to approve or not approve to feel better, to feel less, to feel anything. They’re doing what they’re doing. You’re over here knowing who you are and that makes a big difference in how you’re going to be with yourself, others and the whole world.
Help me with this please, we want to know who we are. We’ve got to the love, which I thought was another great point where you’re sending love rather than knives at him. Those are two very powerful things, but in the end, it’s never about them. It’s always about us. You’ve said that constantly, reconcile how doing all the things that you said, which has dissipated your energy and all that. How do you get to the place of awareness that they didn’t do anything and that ultimately, it’s your responsibility? Everybody would probably go crazy when they hear that, but you’ve said it repeatedly that it’s always our responsibility. It’s never about the other person.
There’s a lot of depth to that question. What has to happen or what usually happens for people to be able to get to the place where we feel so clear inside of ourselves that we know that we can take responsibility for what’s going on. That takes a process. That’s why I do all of the different things that I do. I have a year–long program. We’re completing one of our year–long programs and all of the people in that have been in that for a few years. They’ve all signed up for the fourth one, which is about to start. What happens is that when you are exposed to and you entertain the possibilities of these core principles of life, you start to etch away at the resistances and the thought processes that you’ve had before.
You exchange your old way of thinking for a new way of thinking, which is based on the love of self, the love of life, the love that allows you to be in joy and happiness in your job, with your money, with your children. All of these things somehow seemed pretty awesome because you are living within that core place. I’m not saying you have to do a year-long program to get to this place. What I am saying is that you must find people that think differently. I call myself an out of the box thinker that you want to be a different person than the sheeple is. Meaning that everybody follows everybody’s social consciousness and says whatever it is they say. You’re supposed to fit into that pattern.
That is a bunch of stuff. I had a great awesome connection and appointment with my personal trainer. We were talking about this and how we have the ability to determine how we want to be, how we want to frame what it is that’s going on and how we as a society because she sees people every day that come in and they have so many personal issues. They have self-esteem issues. They have confidence issues. They won’t even go to the gym because they don’t look good enough to go to the gym. This happens all of the time. It takes a personal mission inside yourself to rise above the way our society grabs us by the neck and seemingly forces us to fall into the tracks of everybody else.You are responsible for making yourself okay. Click To Tweet
Step out of the box. Step out of the social consciousness that everybody has put together and decided whoever he or she was that said, “This is the way it’s supposed to be.” What if you step back and you decided that your life was going to be your life? What if you didn’t live for the approval of everybody else in the world and that you made decisions based on what’s true for you inside of yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit? The pieces of you that are crying for you being true to yourself and authentic instead of what the whole frigging world is telling that you ought to be?
It’s hard to do if you don’t have the support, which is why we are creating and have created a community. We offer so many different things between this show, meetup, Saturday talks, programs, year-long programs, retreat and one-to-one coaching. All these things are to find whatever avenue works for somebody who wants something different that is tired of the rat race, trying to keep up, competition, is done with all that stuff. When you want that, let me tell you, it comes forth and maybe this is the day for you. Maybe this is the day that you will say, “Enough. I’m all done with this.”
When it comes based on what we experienced at our concluding event on the year-long program, it happens quickly. There’s a major transformation. Everyone’s lives seem to change dramatically. We’re going to go with the Ask E segment. We have a question from Lauren who lives in New Mexico. She said, “I discussed your show with my partner.” Our show once again was Are your Judgments Getting In The Best Of Your Relationship?. She told him about some of her judgments and he got upset. She’s asking now, “What do I do now?“
Lauren, first of all, most likely you were doing your best to express about your judgments. My guess is pretty strong senses that you put it together in a way that whether you meant to or not had the energy or a word combination that implied blame and that person is not a good person. They’ve done something wrong and somehow they’ve hurt you, which makes you look like a victim and they look like an abuser on some level. That means that first of all, if you come back to yourself and you learn your communication skills more profoundly and you come back and maybe read this episode again, that’s going to be helpful. One of the things that I would recommend is that you get our relationship reboot program because one of the programs there is twelve plus one ways to reignite your relationship.
In there we do an interchange of asking questions that will help take you deeper and help you better understand what the real value and what the real purpose of a relationship is. There are two other programs in there that will help you better understand how to communicate and how to take responsibility for what’s going on within yourself. When we talk about changing our lives to the degree that we talk about it here, which is deep, comprehensive and permanent, that means that you have to put your two cents worth in. It means that you have to have your commitment, your passion, your follow–through, and your willingness to not always feel great. You don’t feel great anyway.
Lauren, I acknowledge you for reaching out and doing the best that you could with that. You will find that when you start to do some of the things that we spoke about, your next communication will be a lot cleaner and a lot easier for you to speak and for the other person to hear. It’s the judgments always come from within you. Lauren, whatever judgments you saw in the other person are judgments that you have about yourself internally. You may or may not be able to see them right now, but if you cannot and you’d like support, give me a call.It takes a personal mission inside yourself to rise above the way society forces you to fall into the tracks of everybody else. Click To Tweet
I would like to say that when you master the points that were talked about, you will find your relationship getting so much closer and so much more connected because he’ll know what’s on your mind. He will hopefully communicate in a way that you will do the same and the love will flow between you because there are no hidden traps. There’s no hidden stuffing. There’s no stuff there that we’ve stuffed down.
What it is there’s no cover–up. You are love. Love is pure unadulterated energy that is not laced with a lot of emotions like most people think. It’s a pure level of consciousness. It’s a fertile field where everything can spawn and everything is created from that place. When you are not covering that up because of the game called life that we live here. When you take off layer after layer, what you see is that love, the essence of who you start to expand and express and from there you can’t help but find love with yourself and with other people. That will help people‘s eyes, ears and entire body cavity to be able to be more open to receiving what it is that you have to say because you’re not coming at them with a sword.
That’s the magic of this work is. We experience it pretty daily. Sometimes we have issues that we tend to discuss with each other, but we always get back to that same place of openness and communication. It will make every difference in the world for you. We’re going to get to the part where E gives us our question for the day. It’s powerful. I happen to know what the question is. I know it’s going to be right on target with what we’ve been speaking.
Here is the question, what would it take for me to know and express my true feelings? Always remember to ask these as rhetorical questions. I’m thinking even as I’m saying is that we might want to put a word in there that says safely or beautifully. It’s not a matter of taking those true feelings and it is that we spoke about, but what would it take for me to know and express my true feelings lovingly or impeccably? I invite you to add that to the end because of the things that we spoke about. It’s not about expressing them and dumping them. It’s what would it take for me to know, remember that brings it back to you, to know and express my true feelings lovingly.
We hope you enjoyed this. Please give us comments on our blog post. If you have any specific topics, please let us know, write to Esateys@Esateys.com or in addition, if you have any special requests for a show, we‘d like to hear about that too.
I would love to hear from you. Please share this with your friends. Post it on Facebook, write and do whatever it is people do with these things often a lot because the more people that know about this thinking, way of being, way of living their life, the more profound your personal life and the lives of everyone else is going to be. Thank you for being here with us and being open–minded, open–hearted. Always remember that I am you, you are me and we are one.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.