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What You Need To Know Before You Get Into A Relationship
Welcome to our episode, what you need to know before you get into a relationship. Batten down the hatches. This is going to be a cool show.
What I would like to talk about is before you get into a relationship, I know this might sound a little left brain for some of you but let me tell you there’s an important reason for this. What I’m going to suggest is that you don’t let your emotions be your motivation. What happens is when we get into our emotions only, they will frequently be activated by our hormones. Our hormones will then tell us what it is that we’re going to do or what it wants to do. Many times, everything that’s logical or makes sense is thrown out the window. It’s gone. We don’t think anymore. We’re now thinking with a part of ourselves that is not going to necessarily be in your best interest. When it comes to choosing a relationship and getting into a relationship, there are a few things that you want to cover.
Are you saying that sexual attraction can throw you off in determining the kind of relationship you want to be in? If you’re into or have a real attraction, is that a good or a bad thing?
It’s not good or bad. It’s frequently what most people will look for first. I’m attracted to that person and yet I have found that although many of those relationships work well, I’ve also found that many relationships that start that way do not end so well. There was no other thought process going on that helped them understand if they were a good long-term fit or not.
That’s pretty hard because when we have that initial hit of attraction, do you wait until that attraction goes down to determine if you want to be in a relationship?What will it take for me to have the most awesome relationship? Click To Tweet
From my viewpoint, and that’s the only one I can give you. Some of you may choose to follow this suggestion and some of you may not. My suggestion is that you don’t jump into the sack within the first 30 minutes or maybe even the first night because you want to be able to think more clearly. Thinking more clearly means that you get to know each other. Sometimes people that are best friends make the best partners because they see how aligned they are with each other. I’m thinking long-term relationships here, if you want to just have a one-night stand or you want to have a sex partner, that’s perfectly fine too.
You get to do whatever it is that you want to do. In this particular moment, I’m speaking about somebody that you would like to spend a long period of time with, like years. That means that there are certain things that you want to have in alignment. Nothing guarantees a relationship is going to work 100%, but you’re going to have a much higher percentage of being in a joyful relationship if you follow some of the things that I’ve even spoken about in other episodes. One of them is why do you want to be in a relationship? It would be good for you to know what you’re looking for in a relationship. What is your outcome? Are you looking for a long-term marriage? Are you looking for a sex partner or are you looking for a business partner or are you looking for what? If you know that, you will be much clearer when you take the next step.
I just wanted to say that Esateys and I were friends for about ten or twelve years before the idea of a relationship even started to materialize. We were good friends. We helped each other in our businesses and our work and all those other things. We spent a lot of time together and that made a big difference. Is that the kind of thing you’re talking about?
It is and the thing that is important is sometimes I’ve had couples come to me and they come for coaching because they say, “We don’t have anything in common.” Once the fire went out or got less, meaning the sex drive, then all of a sudden, you’re left with somebody who you don’t have the same core values. You don’t have the same interests and the same likes. I’m not suggesting that every single thing has to be aligned because sometimes diversity creates an interest. You could both go do your own thing, come back together and share with whatever it is that you’ve learned. If there are not some very deep core principles that you’re aligned with, it frequently becomes very difficult for people to get very intimate. When I say intimate, I don’t just mean sexual activity.
What I’m speaking about is the intimacy of feeling safe, sharing your feelings, saying what’s deep and what’s going on. There are many people that are married now or partnering, they’re living together but they are like roommates. They don’t have sex. They don’t have any alignment with their business. They don’t like to do the same things. They don’t like to go to the same places. They don’t even like the same food. It’s silly but on the other hand, if they’re happy doing that because they’re sharing expenses, then great. I know many people as well that not only don’t have very much in common, but they don’t even share expenses. They both have their own money. They keep it in separate accounts, and they might come together and do joint expenses for the mortgage and things of that nature. This is why I tap back into what is it that you’re looking for in a relationship? It’s not to take the romanticism out, but rather to help you have the foundation that will support you and have a happy time together for however long it is you’re together.
In all of those things, is there one thing you could say that would help clarify how you know if a partner is for you? Is it the concept of we often hear people say, “Are you in love?” I can’t tell you how many different definitions of love there are out there. My question is how do you know this is the right partner for yourself?
The person that you’re with is always the correct partner, but it may not be the most fun partner. It may not be the partner that you enjoy being with all of the time. That’s because, we’re going to go back to our first episode or maybe our second, where we spoke about relationships are personal growth activities. We get into a relationship to help ourselves grow, to learn to know ourselves, to learn how to be more patient, more loving, more unconditional, less judgmental, less blame. Ultimately none of those things are going on. Most people understand the power of that in a relationship. As a result, they go into a relationship and they’re looking for someone who is going to make them feel a little better, take care of them, save them, whatever it is they’re looking for. When the person doesn’t do that, they’re pretty unhappy and they’re going to almost always blame the person who is not saving them. It is important to know what you’re looking for, who they are, what they’re like, and what’s even under the covers for you. I have spoken to many people and it can be men or women that are looking for somebody who is going to financially take care of them, so they don’t have to do anything. They want to be queen for a day or king of the mountain or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you’re both in agreement with that. To go in with a hidden agenda is not going to bring great results.
One of the things I wanted to bring up here was in the Jewish religion when you get married, you sign a ketubah or a contract and we also have a marriage contract. In a civil marriage, when we get married on a civil basis, there’s a contract. When we get into a relationship, we are entering into a contract with the other person. What would you say are the main points that we should be aware of in that contract?
It depends on the definition of the contract you’re speaking about. Not being Jewish, I have no clue what’s in the contract that you’re speaking about. What I would say is that you can make a contract with a person which is like what vows are, which seemed to me little to nothing to many people. Sometimes I think it’s important. I am not an advocate of staying with someone who you are incredibly unhappy with, especially if you’ve gotten support and gotten clarity about it. I’m not an advocate of staying with somebody who is physically abusive or certain things. If you say until death do us part, which a lot of contract aka vows say, that may or may not be something that is going to be appropriate if you’re being beaten up every day. I’m not sure what the contract thing that you’re speaking about is.
To me, when I speak of that is when I made a commitment and we got married, I made a commitment for my own personal growth, to be loving, to be compassionate, to be giving. Those were the important things for me. That’s not to say that I didn’t forget them, or they didn’t go away for a while and then come back because that’s the nature of our lives. The underlying premises that you’re entering into the union of this relationship is why and what do you want to share with your partner. That’s what I mean by a contract, and I’m talking about more than sharing money and all that kind of stuff. I’m talking about the values and the intimacy that you spoke about.When you're in relationship, it doesn't mean you didn't do everything right at the beginning. It means that life is a continuous adventure. Click To Tweet
One of the things that I would say unequivocally that is paramount is authenticity, honesty, and flexibility. We could start with those. If you are not transparent, you are not willing to share what’s going on with you, which leads right into honesty. Your relationship is not going to be particularly effective, happy, joyful and most of the time, although they can last for a while because both people can lie to each other for a long time and they live a lie. On the other hand, if you start out with what’s true for you before you get married or before you get into a long-term relationship, like have a child or whatever or whether you’re married or not, it doesn’t really matter here. What is important is who do you choose to be with this person? What agreement are you making with yourself that would overflow into the relationship with the other person?
The relationship is about helping you learn what’s important to you. If you want to make the agreement or the contract that you will be more kind, more loving, more compassionate, the things that you spoke about, that’s awesome because that contract is with yourself. Whether you even share that with the other person or not is relatively unimportant. Although I do think that it’s powerful if you do because it’s an accountability thing. It helps you make the stance and then hold up to what it is that you say that you’re going to do. A contract for me is about the contract with you and how you choose to be, to live, to speak, to share and to experience in every area of your life with yourself and allow the love that comes from the love of self to overflow and be given unequivocally and without any hesitation to your partner.
When you do those things, when you make that commitment and you have the love of self and all the things you said, that’s going to wear off. That’s going to be very apparent to your partner and they will be in the space, the energy of reciprocating without them knowing it because they’re feeling good about what you’re doing and how you’re being in the relationship.
In the relationship, one of the things that’s very important is for you to recognize that whatever it is you want in a relationship, get clear that you be that first. If you want your partner to be more loving, be more loving first. If you want your partner to be more giving, be more giving first. If you want your partner to stop criticizing you, you stop criticizing them. Here’s a little caveat. People say, “I’m not criticizing my partner,” because maybe they’re not saying it out loud, but what are you doing in your mind? What are you thinking? That’s a key piece. This is where honesty has to be with self first. If you’re judging your partner about something, anything or a lot of things, even though you’re not saying it to them, that judgment is still heard by the “universe.” It is still going out there as an energy of attack, even though the person may never know about it on a level where they heard it with their ears. We always remember that energy never leaves its source. Whenever we judge another person, we’re always coming from our own self-judgment because we’re not comfortable with it. We project it out and then like a boomerang, it comes right back to you.
What I wanted to say is that when you have that thought and that judgment, that judgment is creating the lens through which you’re seeing your partner.
Once you start judging one thing, you will find that you’re going to do that in other areas as well because judgment is always from an energetic level. It’s always a lower vibration. It’s always a frequency that is low, which makes us feel low in our mood and our attitude and all of those things. Once your attitude gets low, then that means that you see things from that place which means now suddenly something that didn’t use to bother you is now going to bother you because that’s the place that you’re seeing things from. I believe that I spoke about it in another episode where it’s different lenses. It’s like you take out the lenses of the rose-colored glasses and you put in the lens of like a smokey gray. Everything is seen from a dismal standpoint. Once you have one judgment, you’re changing your lenses to the gray and things start being seen from a different viewpoint even if they’re not really true. From where it is that you sit, that’s all you can see. It’s incredibly important to understand, to have an awareness of when you’re judging and recognizing what it’s doing to you and what it’s doing to your relationship long term.
I grappled with that and I try to keep that in mind all the time because sometimes we don’t have any control over it.
I could talk about this, but I wanted to leave some of the facts here with you, which is to understand why you’re in a relationship. Understand that authenticity, honesty, impeccability, lack of judgment, these are all really important. Let me tell you, you’re not going to be without any judgment because unless you’re not human and unless you are not going through the process of self-development and becoming more and more aware of who you are and what’s important to you, you’re going to do that. If you have the awareness that you are judging, you then have the ability to nip it, to stop that, to alter and learn how to deal with judgments differently than blurting them out or feeling them internally and turning them into those dark-colored glasses that we were speaking about. These are some of the very basic principles.
When you use your left brain and not your hormones to make your decision, and I’m not saying exclusively, I’m not saying just because you look good on paper that you’re going to be good in bed. Sex is a part of a relationship. If you’re not aligned in both departments, that’s not going to be not very much fun either. It’s also important to know that you have core values and that you have the connections of things that you can and would enjoy doing together and that what are your goals in life? What are your personality goals? What are your relationship goals? Do you want children? When I was married before, I already had a child and to the best of my memory because it was a long time ago, he said children were not important to him. I said that’s important that we talk about that because I do not want any more children.
It was very challenging because after several years, like about eight years or more, that desire changed for him. I want you to know there’s nothing that you can do about that because sometimes people will change when you’re in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t do everything right at the beginning. It means that life is a continuous adventure. It’s a transformation moment by moment. Because of that, it means that you’ve got to have the flexibility that it takes and do your best to work through those things and see if you can make it work with each other. In the relationship where I was at that time, I did not want children and although we did not get divorced “because of that,” it was a factor. He ended up being with someone else and has had four children or something like that. That’s very cool. He got his children and I got to not have any more children so we’re both good with that. That’s where the honesty comes in and the clarity about what’s important and what isn’t and speak that truth because it will come back to bite you, I promise.A relationship takes two people to be enjoyed together where each person takes individual responsibility for their own joy. Click To Tweet
There’s one more thing to add to your summary that I’ve been trying to get in, but we keep going off in different directions. That is what you need to know before you get into a relationship, change your partner. You have to understand that your partner is your partner and no matter what you do, the change has got to come from your side.
I’m so glad that you remembered that because that is so critical. I’m speaking from been there, done that in this department. I’ve had boyfriends across the years and I think, “He’s got this going on but I’m sure he’ll change that.” I won’t even mention the number of women that have said, “He does this and this, but I know that I’m the one for him. He’s going to stop doing that.” I go, “Say what? That is so not going to happen.” If they do, when it’s something that’s really important to them. If they do change that, they’re going to resent you and be angry at you because they’re going to think that you were controlling them.
When you see somebody and you are walking into a relationship or considering your relationship with them, just remember, for the most part, what you see is what you get. If you move into a relationship thinking that they’re going to turn into Mr. Magnificence or the woman of your dreams, when she doesn’t look anything near that at the beginning, then you’re tricking yourself. It’s going to set you up. Please be aware that what you see is what you get. If you use a time beforehand, before you get seriously entrained with each other, learn about each other and be open about that. I believe that I spoke on another episode where I said when Rafael and I got together, we sat down and we spoke about it. I said, “I’ve got this issue and this and this. This is what I’m working on.”
I thought she was kidding.
I wasn’t because I know myself and I know other people. I know that if you don’t come into full disclosure, it just comes up to bite you later. That’s why self-love, self-development is so critically important to me if you want to have a successful relationship with yourself first and a partner second.
We’re in the segment of our show called Ask E and we have a question from someone. “I got married ten years ago and I had no idea of any of the things that you’ve been talking about in your prior shows. What do I do now? I feel like there’s so much water under the bridge. What do I do?”
If I had this person online with me right now or on the phone or in person, I would say, what’s going on now in ten years? Has it been working well? From the sound of the email, it doesn’t sound like it’s all so great. The first thing you do is you learn everything you can learn about yourself and about how a relationship works. Keep reading these blogs, read things, and learn the core principles of how you can be in a relationship that is aware and able to be shifted. The second thing as you learn more is to then speak with someone that might be able to support you. You get a coach, you get a person that can be completely unbiased, completely neutral about what’s going on and be able to support you both in understanding how things are perhaps needing to change or you are desiring for them to change. That’s when you’re going to need an unbiased third party to be in there to help you because most of the time you cannot do it alone.
I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying if you try that, you can see how it goes. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, then you may need to get a third-party person there to help you, a coach or someone like me or whoever it is that you may find a connection with. One of the things that you can do also is you can speak to your partner about that and you can say, “I’m learning so much about relationships. Would you be interested in listening to some of this with me?” Invite them. Tell them that you’re learning things that you never knew before and you’d like to see what their thoughts are about that without saying, “You need to listen to this because we’re a mess. I’m pretty sure it’s all because of you.” Instead, you want to say something like, “I’m learning more about relationships and about myself. Would you be willing to listen to this with me and see what they say?” If they’re not willing and they’re not willing to go to a counselor or a coach or read a book or listen to a podcast, then you need to get coaching for yourself to learn what the next best steps are.
This is an awareness of how much love you have for yourself to get this thing handled so you don’t live and be in a state of unhappiness or inauthenticity as you’ve previously spoken about.
You have to have their words and you have to take care with awareness of yourself and be aware of the partner. Sometimes we have enough water under the bridge that we have a lot of judgments about the other person. It might not even be true. It’s just how we are framing them now because we had been hurt a lot or angry or whatever. It doesn’t mean the other person is at fault at all. That’s where a third-party mediator can be very supportive.
Does it matter if the couple is unaware of a lot of the things that we talked about changing someone? Is it too late after a ten-year period to expect any meaningful change?
It is very likely never too late and a lot depends on how much water went under the bridge and how dirty it was when it went under. Sometimes people stuff stuff for so long and it gets so ugly inside of their head that they can’t undo it because they believe what it is that they made up. Therefore, they are not seemingly able to let it go so readily. That means that you’ve got to get some so you can determine whether there’s something that’s repairable or not. It takes only one person to get into joy, but it takes two people to be in joy together. The two people are each taking individual responsibility for their own joy.
For the person who wrote this email, and I don’t want to use your name for privacy purposes, but I would just like to acknowledge that you had the courage and you had the awareness to even start to address this. That is a huge piece. The awareness will start the process of, I want to say healing, but the process of coming together on a much different or higher vibrational level.
That’s like change. We can’t expect to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That means that we have to change some aspect of what we’re thinking, doing, saying, feeling, if we want the rest of our life to change.
I have one more question, “I can’t get my husband to listen to me. What should I do?”
The truth is, it’s not uncommon that most of the people that we hear from are women. Women have an instinctual increased level of awareness and they’re more in touch with their feelings. They know when they’re hurting more than men do. Primarily but not always certainly. There is a propensity for women to feel things a little bit more than men. I’d like to ask you some questions. How much have you tried? Are you asking him to listen to you and he’s not listening because you’re saying, “Do this, do that. This is what you have to do. This is what you didn’t do right. This is on and on.”We can't keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results. Click To Tweet
They usually learn. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman, you got to tone out that person and that is not going to make it so easy to get any rational information back. On the other hand, if you are coming from a place of, for lack of a better term, wimpiness, you come from a weak place with no clarity. That also will turn people’s hearing aids off because they’re not feeling the strength and they’re not being pulled into whatever it is that you’re saying because there’s no power there. What’s important is to communicate in a way that is clear. It’s strong, but not violent or loud, but rather, “This is my opinion,” or “This is what it is that I think about this.” Many times, we give advice and suggestions and all of this even when somebody doesn’t ask for them or doesn’t want it.
Then we can’t understand why they haven’t alluded to us. They didn’t want to hear from you. Thank you very much, and therefore they’re going to literally tune you out. What you do is you have the person sit down and have their uninterrupted focus with you and you ask them, “I have this thing going on. I like to bring it up to you and I’d like your feedback about it. How’s that sound to you?” They’re going to say usually, yes. When you do that, you sit there and you say to them, “I’m feeling frustrated because I feel I say things to you but I feel like you never hear me. You never listened to me. I would like your feedback as to why that is happening like that.” They may say, “I don’t like your tone of voice.” They may say you’re always jabbering and wanting something. They may say, “I don’t understand half the things you say.” They may say whatever. They’re going to come up with something that will help you, first of all, get a clue why they are not listening.
We will be talking a lot more about this. The art of communication and how imperative it is to have that communication from the right energy and from the right energetic place. That will be volumes of subjects in and of itself. Communication is vital and we’ll have a lot more to say about that. Just one little tip that Esateys uses with me and I thought when she wants me to do something. She doesn’t say, “Will you please do this?” She said, “Are you willing to do this?” The whole energy of that changes. Do you want to comment on that?
I’ve found that to be a lot more inviting for people. The other thing it does is it puts somebody into a yes or no place. It’s not like you’re not telling them what to do but you ask, “Are you willing to do this?” They’re either going to say yes or no. By nature, we do want to help each other because we’re kind in our hearts by nature. If someone comes up and says, “Are you willing to do this?” or “Will you help me with this?” It’s hard for me personally to say no and so I will do it. If I don’t want to or I feel like I’m not going to be the best person for that, I will say, “I’m not the best person for you for that.” Let’s say that somebody comes up and asks you for something after you just had this blowout. You can be very honest with them and say, “I’m still processing over the last conversation we had. The answer right this minute is no. You can try me later after I settled down, but I’m not really available.” That’s an honest answer rather than looking like you don’t care. Be transparent and honest. Honesty is imperative.
Thank you for those two questions that we got. I would like to request our audience. If you have a question that you would like to address, please send us an email to Esateys@Esateys.com so that we can address the issues that are important to you. Please, anything that comes up for you, send it our way and we’ll do our best to answer it. With the last part of the show, living in the world of possibility. Esateys creates questions for how to open up the energy to create or to bring in whatever it is that’s being requested. We are asking, what will it take for me to have the most awesome relationship?
When you ask yourself that question, what occurs is the mind. I’ve said this before, it’s like the Google search engine, it goes out and it starts picking up the answers to that and will bring that answer to you. You’ll meet a certain person, you’ll do a certain thing, buy a certain book, you’ll do whatever that will lead you closer and closer to the most awesome relationship you could ever dream or imagine. When you do it that way, it’s so powerful because you’re not trying to control the results. You’re allowing the universe to support what is in your very best interest.
It literally is being in the world of possibility rather than the world of controlling. We have had some of our own experiences where we do these questions all the time. Sometimes the answers don’t come right away. Sometimes they come immediately. Sometimes it takes a little bit, but we know that it’s so incredibly powerful, that those requests, those answers will come and they will be very powerful for you.
In closing, there’s one other thing, we have a very special eBook that Esateys completed called The 8 Tell Tale Signs That Your Relationship Is In Trouble and it is a free eBook. It is a very powerful checkup for what’s going on in your relationship. When Esateys wrote this, it wasn’t meaning to be a negative thing but it’s an awareness. When we see and have those awareness that these issues may or may not be occurring in our relationship, then we can do something about it. It’s free and we would love for you to download it. More importantly, give us your feedback. Is there anything else you’d like to say?
Thank you for being here with us. It’s always so fun to be with you and to feel you out there knowing that you are committed to making the difference in your life and the life of other people. We appreciate you for that. We appreciate you being here with us and we look forward to having you be with us the very next time.
Until next time, we will see you soon and know that we love you.
Feel a hug. We’ll see you next time.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.