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What You Need To Know When You Get Into A Relationship
We’re going to be talking about what you need to know when you actually get into a relationship. On the last episode, we spoke about what you need to know before you get into a relationship. Now, we’re going to be speaking about what you need to know when you’re in that relationship.
I am excited about this topic because I have many people that come to me. Most of them were already in a relationship and they go a little bit crazy with, “I hear all this stuff, but now I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where to begin.” First, I’m going to speak about those of you that are new to a relationship. One of the things that’s critically important is that you start being conscious. In other words, awareness. You’ll hear me say that quadrillion times because awareness is the key to just about everything. If you don’t have awareness, you’re not going to be able to make changes especially easily. You may be asking, “Awareness about what? About how unhappy I am or about how he won’t do what I want or she doesn’t listen to anything I say?”
Awareness is about those things and it’s about how you feel and is also about what is causing you to be happy, sad, mad, or glad. In other words, where are your triggers? If you do not know where your triggers are, then you are not going to be able to take responsibility for what’s going on and shift them. As usual, it always comes back to you. Awareness is the first key that when you’re in a relationship or even before you get in a relationship or even if you’ve been in a relationship for 45 years, it’s never too late to be aware. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a relationship or not, I might add because awareness is always about you and so your relationship starts with you. That’s your first relationship. Although for some people, they will say their first relationship is with God or spirit or something of that nature. That’s great too and I don’t want to get into religious ideas here, but I do want to say that when you feel that as your number one connection, I’m a real advocate of that. On the other hand, you also need to know that the relationship with you is the relationship with your Creator. The universe, whatever your word is.
You often talk about awareness as being the key to all of our work. Can you give a couple of ideas? It’s great to say you need to be aware. How about some techniques, some ideas, some hints about how one can be more aware?
To become aware, the first thing you have to do is to decide. Make a decision that you choose to be more aware. You can ask your question, which you know by now that I’m big on rhetorical questions. What would it take for me to be more aware? Sometimes we have awareness coming to us with a little brush against the skin. When that doesn’t work then it gets a little more intense. I’ll give you an example in my own personal life about that. When I was younger, I was definitely living a wildlife. I wasn’t doing drugs but I was partying, playing, dancing, and going out almost every night. Going to bed in the middle of the night, getting up at 7:00, being at work, those things you do when you’re in your twenties. Maybe some people don’t these days, but I did. I had different little messages to help me become more aware. One of them was I was in multiple fender benders. Those fender benders, I didn’t catch on that they were trying to tell me something because there are a message and a gift in every single thing that occurs in our life. I didn’t know that at the time. For me, it was about, “That’s inconvenient. I’m glad nobody got hurt. How come I was the only one here? At least I didn’t hit anyone.” I go through all these other things instead of saying, “What’s the universe trying to tell me?”
After two or three of those and still staying a little bit ignorant to what was trying to happen because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. This is important for you to understand yourself the statement. Don’t beat yourself up for anything from your past when you didn’t know what you didn’t know. We are always coming from the best place we know how based on the amount of knowledge and awareness that we have. After two or three accidents, still, I wasn’t getting it. What was I trying to get? I was trying to get the message to slow down and to be more present and to focus on things that I was committed to. Strongly look at my priorities as to who I am. How do I choose to be in my life? What’s important to me? What do I really want? How am I going to get there to where it is that I choose to be?
After multiple accidents over the years, in 1981 I had a very serious car accident. I was injured. The person with me was injured. It was truly a wakeup call. I went through the windshield of the car. That was like, “If you’re not going to get these little messages, these little wake-up calls then we’ll have to bring out the sledgehammer.” Sure enough, they did. Whoever they are, the universe did. I had an opportunity to contemplate my life. That meant that I was in a hospital bed sleeping upright for three months. I was in a wheelchair for a year and I had to realign my life and start to look at things. That’s when I started to really shift everything. Don’t walk around in terror now that you’re going to have a car accident or something, but I can tell you that we’re always getting messages that there’s something there for us that we might not be paying attention to. That includes our triggers from other people.What would it take for me to accept my partner exactly the way he/she is? Click To Tweet
Of all the things that allowed you to shift and to create or to begin the process of awareness, what would you say was the most important or the most significant thing?
My biggest takeaway was to be aware, be present. I was walking around in a daze but I didn’t know that I was. I was asleep. Once I had my strong wakeup call, I started seeing, perceiving, and experiencing life completely differently. From there, I made different choices. I made different decisions so I could make different choices. I didn’t know that I wasn’t making them at the time. If you’re reading this and you think, “I don’t even know what she’s talking about. I’m not sure what she’s telling me I should do,” or something of that nature. What I’m suggesting to you is that you literally sit down and take a moment to increase your awareness. One of the ways is that you make the decision. The second thing is that when you make the decision, then you can start with something simple like sitting in a chair inside your home or outside your home.
Let’s say you’re inside your home. You close your eyes. You’re going to open your eyes and you have literally ten seconds to look around the room and see everything and then close your eyes. You have to be impeccable with this. You can set your phone for ten seconds or set an alarm for ten seconds and then close your eyes again. Get your pen and paper that you have handy there and you write down everything that you are able to remember. At that point, what you do is you write, “The couch is green. The window shades are closed. Is there a plant up there? I can’t remember for sure.” You could write, “Plant?” It’s stunning that we can live in a home or be anywhere that we go every day and notice things that you never noticed before.
After you’ve written them down with your eyes closed, then go ahead and measure how many things are there. How many things were you accurate about? How many were on your list that worked? It’s a telling experience. Another thing that you can do is to start your morning with the awareness that you’re going to be more aware, more present. You start the night before with a big note on your sink, somewhere that you will see it for sure. You can say, “Awareness.” Now, what you get to do is you can start with when you brush your teeth. You notice how the teeth feel on your toothbrush, how the flavor of the toothpaste is being perceived in the mouth. Is your mouth watering? Is the flavor something you like or don’t like? Are there areas when you investigate with your tongue that is still feeling a little scrappy when you are doing it so you go back over that?
It’s amazing what happens when you put all of your focus right in your mouth and you are totally present with brushing your teeth. It’s phenomenal. You’re done doing your teeth and you observe that. There’s no right or wrong to this. This is okay to be the way that it is. This is about awareness. It’s not about doing it right because there isn’t a right. You can go to the next thing. For women, we’ll skip you for right now because I could go to a whole bunch of places, but men may not relate with makeup and lotion and cream on your face and all of that. We’ll go straight to getting dressed. Notice when you get dressed where you want to first put your leg? Is it the right leg that you want to put in your pants or jeans or whatever you’re wearing? If it is, immediately shifts to your left and notice the difference in the feeling between the right and left leg. Do it differently. It’s a very powerful tool.
Another you can do is when you go to the bathroom, notice do you fold your paper or do you bunch it up? Notice out of curiosity, why you do that? You don’t even have to ask why. Make a note of it. You go through every single solitary moment of your life and you become conscious of how your body’s feeling, how the environment is being experienced, and what you’re actually doing. When you do this exercise for as long as you’re willing to every day at least for fifteen, 30 minutes. You could do it for five if that’s all you have. You’ll be stunned at the things that occur and I would do that every day. We have a program called AQDQ, which is Awareness Quotient and Desire Quotient. There’s a whole exercise there that will get you through your day evaluating with a number of keeping score of what it is that you do and how conscious you are of those things happening. It’s extremely powerful. I highly recommend this exercise.
When you were talking about the toilet paper, it brought such a smile to my face because Esateys did a retreat on awareness, which is something we cover in most of our retreats. She did that exercise with the toilet paper at the beginning of the retreat. That was the topic of conversation and of lots of different insights for the entire three days of our event. It was amazing.
It was powerful.
What I do is simple with regard to that and that is when I’m walking, I picture my feet touching the ground. What am I feeling? Am I slumped over my back? What’s my body position? Being aware of how I’m walking is very powerful.
I want to say one more thing about that and that is that many of you may know about something called walking meditation. Walking meditation is that you just go out and you walk ideally in nature. You pay attention to where each foot lands and what it feels like in your body. Pay attention to the reverberation that goes up your legs and how it feels literally in your body. You can take another section of time and you can be aware, conscious of the foliage, the million different colors of green there are in the world depending upon where you live. This is a powerful way to learn focus and to learn awareness.Awareness is the key to just about everything. If you don't have awareness, you're not going to be able to make changes. Click To Tweet
Can you relate it back to how it’s going to help me or how to help one be more aware of their relationships?
To circle back to where it is that we began, when you have awareness first then you’re going to be conscious of what you are feeling when you were in the relationship. You’ll notice your judgment because everyone has them. For fun, right down your judgments, whatever they may be. You take a moment and you look at the judgment that you have. At this moment, it’s important you recognize that you’re responsible for what you feel and what you say and what you do. Once that is understood, then when you have a judgment that your partner doesn’t take out the trash, then you get to look inside of yourself and say, “Where in my whole life have I ever not have been impeccable?”
Most likely, your judgment is that they’re not impeccable. It might be, “I can’t count on them. I can’t count on what it is that they’re going to do. I can’t trust them.” When you realize that there’s an underlying reason that’s all about you by what they’re doing, then you start to do some healing work on yourself. When you do that and you recognize that you are triggered by something that’s inside of you, then you stop projecting your anger and your frustration on someone else. You cannot make other people be what it is that you would like them to be. You can try all you want to get them to change. When you do recognize the issue isn’t with them. They may have an issue but that doesn’t have anything to do with you.
It has everything to do with yourself and how you perceive what’s going on and how you want to control other people and your environment. Why? It’s because you want to feel safe. You want your world to look and feel like what you think is okay. In doing that, most people spend their entire life trying to get the outer world to shift, which they notice they’re very frustrated towards the end because they have been poor at acquiring that capability. People do what they want to do. Your job is to be with someone that is being the way that they’re comfortable and you being comfortable inside yourself. Whatever they’re doing is not going to create trauma and stress inside of you.
All of what Esateys is talking about is the mirroring effect. It was beautiful the way you put that because it’s always about yourself. I have this great story. I was talking in a panel and the panel moderator asked me a question about how we can reduce conflict in the world. My answer was similar to what Esateys said, which is to take responsibility and recognize that all the conflict comes from within you. It’s not the other person and this person. The moderator looked at me and shook his head and said, “Yeah, maybe.” The reason I’m telling this story is it’s a very difficult concept for most people to accept off the bat. Maybe you’re having resistance with regard to that. To be quite honest with you in my relationship with Esateys, I still do that. I have to bring myself back, but it’s just a natural tendency. What I’m suggesting is that the nature self-evaluation, self-awareness is something that is a constant thing that you have to keep up with. Even though it may feel strange at first and if you tell people about that, be prepared because it’s a hard concept for them to get. I just wanted to share that because if you have any takeaway from this show, this is the most important thing that I think you’d be able to take with you.
I think that is a great story and it’s a very important one. I admittedly sometimes speak beyond where some people are because I have been speaking, teaching, and coaching all these things for so long. They’re ingrained in me. It’s so my life that I don’t think about it. For me, it’s not in question. I don’t think about it at all because it is. What I find is that you’re handy to have around because you can bring it back to the beginning parts of something that is simpler and more understandable. Please don’t expect that these things are going to necessarily resonate with you right away. That’s okay. Remember that we are here to help you be exposed to new ideas or ideas that you already have and to bring them back to your memory. If they resonate for you then go with it. If they don’t resonate for you, stay open to the possibility that maybe someday you will or shut it out. You have free will to decide what it is that you would like to do with anything that occurs in your life.
The reason that we are passionate about this is that we have found that thousands of people’s lives have turned into a beautiful experience. I will give you a story. I got a text from someone that I coached years ago or more. He sent me a picture of him and his new wife. The first time I met him I was at this big CEO event and he came up to me and he said, “What do you do?” I said, “I transform people’s lives through relationships.” He said, “I’ve got to talk to you.” We did some coaching about somebody that he was dating. We went through a tremendous amount of education and understanding about awareness, about responsibility, about how your life is your choice, about how you perceive it. You may not be in charge of everything that occurs seemingly, although some people with the Law of Attraction would dispute that.If you do not know where your triggers are, then you are not going to be able to take responsibility for what's going on. Click To Tweet
The bottom line is you are absolutely always 100% responsible for how you be with what is. That’s where you get the big transformation and the big joy coming after you. This guy sent me a picture of him and his new bride. He said, “We’re in Moscow traveling right now.” He went and told me some things and at the end, he said, “I want you to know that all of this was made possible because of the work and all of the help that you gave me.” I love hearing things like that. The reason that I do is that he’s found joy. He said, “I am excited that I found this woman and I would have never been able to move into this relationship had I not done the work with you.” This was not the person that he was dating at the time he first started working with me, but he learned enough to know what was important in a relationship. How to be in a relationship as a responsible person you can share your life with without being based on blame, judgment, and many horrific fights usually.
I wanted to say two different things about the story that Esateys told. One of the things that happened with this fellow is he was at a certain vibration, a certain happiness level. He was putting out whatever his vibe was, whatever word you want to use when he first started coming to Esateys. As he worked with Esateys, that changed and that allowed him to attract a woman who was open to and on the same path, frequency, so that is how this happens. We make the change and people come into our lives. We attract people into our lives that resonate with who we are. That’s a big piece of what we do here.
That’s true and I know from my personal experience how people’s lives change when they are willing to open up their mind to different ideas and different thought processes. If you’re adamant about what you believe and what you think and the way you’re doing things, then stick with that. My strong sense is you wouldn’t be listening to this other podcast or blog or whatever it is that you do because there is some part of you that knows that there’s something else that’s beyond where it is you are. This may stretch you out and it may be already where you are and there’s deeper work to come forward for this. That’s exciting because we do that as well.
We made an executive decision that we’re not going to do questions now because we have many important points that we wanted to make and we’ll come back and ask those questions next time. The second piece is that everything that we talk about now framed in the context of a relationship with a significant other or partner. All of the concepts that we’re talking about, the mirroring, the awareness, and all the other things apply to every aspect of your life. It’s not solely about relationships and it is 100% about relationships. It’s something that will change everything in your life. The principals that we’re speaking about can be understood, you can be aware of them and then ultimately to whatever degree you can change your behavior based on it.
That’s a really important point, which I had wanted to speak about. We use the relationship as the medium. I had a flashback of when I was in chemistry because I’ve mentioned before that I have in medicine. I was in microbiology and chemistry. We grew things in Petri dishes. We had to use a medium to get the bacteria or whatever to grow. That’s like what this is. What that means is that we use relationships, but a relationship is a place where we use as a medium where there are many other things that are available. If you utilize these principles like self-responsibility, self-reliance, total awareness, complete authenticity, extreme honesty. When you take some of these things and that’s certainly not all of them and you live your life from that level of impeccability, then you start to notice that the relationship with your partner changes.
Most importantly, the relationship with yourself changes because you feel better about yourself. You feel good inside. We feel good when we do stuff in a way that feels impeccable and that we’re following through and learning and expanding. We then come from a place of overflow because when you are in a relationship with someone, it’s about giving. It’s about contributing. Many times, Rafael and I say to each other in the morning, “What can I do now to make your life more awesome than you could ever dream or imagine?” I really mean it. I want to know what I could do that would help him have a fantastic day. The truth is I ask that of myself. I ask that rhetorical question, “What would it take for me to have the most awesome day of my life so far?” When you send that message out to the universe, great things come to you and can happen for you. When you share that with your partner, what you’re doing is you are overflowing the love from your heart and from your physicality and from your physiology. From everything else that allows that person to be gotten, to feel love, to feel honored. When we give attention to something that’s another way of saying, “I love you.” It’s very transformational in relationships when people start being that way with each other. One of the things that I tell people when I’m coaching them and most of the time they’re not able to do this, especially at the beginning. If you’re in a relationship and your relationship is reasonable, kick it up by about ten notches about being kind.
Be kind to each other. You wouldn’t speak to most people in all likelihood the way you speak to your partner some of the time. Think about that. Would you use that tone of voice? Would you use that sarcasm? Maybe you’re a person who does, but I promise you that people don’t feel safe around you when you do that. If you do that, some kick back and don’t do that. Stop that. Catch yourself before you do that or if you say something that is unkind, say, “I apologize for that. That’s not the way I choose to be. That’s not who I really am.” Even if it feels corny or feels strange, who cares? This is about you and you feeling good inside your body and you feeling loved and lovable. You will feel loved and lovable when you are giving some more and contributing not only to your partner. What you find is you start contributing to life. When you start to recognize that, when you have the ability to help someone feel awesome about them, then they’re going to go out and help somebody else feel awesome about themselves. You’re going to go out and do another person and every person is like network marketing. You tell everybody something, you tell them about what’s up for you or you tell somebody about a good movie. You share what’s on you. You can’t help it, we’re just people doing people things and that can help you be powerful as a change in the world. You’ve all heard Gandhi say, “Be the change that you would like to see in the world.”You are responsible for what you feel, what you say, and what you do. Click To Tweet
When you are like that, you’re not only doing all those great things for your partner and for the world as it spreads. You’re raising your level of happiness and acceptance and love in yourself. That will change everything for you. I’m glad you said that. I was going to come around to that point. What I’d like to talk about is for me, what I did was at some point and it wasn’t at the beginning. I must be honest. I made a commitment to love my partner, to be grateful for everything about my partner. Even if in that particular moment I might not have been feeling it. Waking up, feeling gratitude, feeling that love and wanting to share that love and do anything that will make that person feel more loved has worked wonders for me.
It’s worked wonders for me too. It’s phenomenal and I’m in such gratitude to you for the shifts that you have made and how much kinder and how much more loving and accepting than you have ever been in all the time that I’ve known you. It makes me want to cry because I feel different. I feel so much safer and so much more loved in the relationship because it means a lot. It means a lot to anyone when you are that way with them. One of the things that’s cool that Rafael has done in the past and even now is that when he gets pissy. He makes the decision at that moment and he says to me, “I’m going to love you even more.” When you make that affirmation, confirmation, declaration, what occurs is that it tells the universe that you’re not going to let your stuff get in the way of love. When you are willing to move through your stuff and keep a commitment to the love, everything changes.
There are times when that are seemingly impossible to say, that’s okay. Do the best you can but come back to it or whatever it is that works for you to always bring your focus back to being kind, being loving, being giving, being supportive and being compassionate. This is something that we didn’t talk about now, but I’d like to just say something about compassion. If you had people be as rough on you as maybe you are with other people, you would probably find that you’d be pretty crippled internally, emotionally. Give people a break. Give yourself a break. We are all doing the best we can based on the place we’re in. That doesn’t mean that we don’t keep moving forward to the next step, but it definitely does mean that when you see somebody doing something that they’re still doing. Even though you don’t want them to do it, that you stop, take a breath and be compassionate, say, “First of all, I know this is my stuff.” Get responsible right off the bat.
You have the awareness. You get responsible and internally you can say to yourself, “I know he’s doing the best he can. I know she’s doing the best she can.” That’s not making an excuse for them, but it’s about you taking your stuff off of them and you bring your energy back to yourself and you put your focus on your heart. You quiet yourself down. You can do this yourself. This doesn’t take some magical person to do it for you. You have to decide what’s important to you. In other words, how big a priority is your relationship? If your relationship with yourself is not a priority and your relationship with your partner is not a priority or your relationship with your money, your body, your health and the environment, whatever. If they do not hold a place of priority, they are not going to make a point of staying aware and making different choices when you are given the option to be able to do that. You’ll sit there and wonder, “I wonder why my relationship is yucky.”
I want to unpack this a little bit. Two points, one is by saying, “I choose to be more loving. I choose to be more compassionate. I choose to be more understanding.” It’s creating openness and empowerment for you to feel good about yourself and knowing that you have the choice. One has the choice to do and think the way they want to rather than with regard to the old programming.
This is how we build self-empowerment. This is how we build our own self-confidence is by doing something that we might normally not do and it takes a big emotional commitment to own what is. One of the things that’s another hint is that when you are in a crummy mood or you’re angry, it might be something about work or something else that’s not even related to your partner. Instead of coming home and putting that on them, you can walk in the door and you can say, “I want you to know it’s probably good to steer clear of me right now because I had a really rough day. I haven’t processed all the way through it. It’s not about you if I seem grumpy.” If you need to, take a wide breath.
I have to say in a matter of transparency, the “I choose” statement is Esateys’. Esateys created a whole coaching program called the I Choose Transformation Program that she uses in our coaching to help people create and take responsibility and empowerment for what they do. That’s a really important piece that has worked wonders for me and I felt I needed to pass that along.
If you start every sentence with, “I choose,” if you didn’t get anything else, you would turn into a completely different person. One that is fully responsible, more empowered, more authentic. The miracles would be fun to write down.
You can see how Esateys and I get excited. We feed off each other with this stuff. For me, as the person who’s learned all of this from Esateys and I’m starting to apply it in my life, it is beyond awesome. We are going to move to our last section. We’ll do the questions next time. What we’re going to do now is we’re going to talk about living in the world of possibility section, about how questions can open everything up for you.When you help someone feel really awesome about themselves, they're going to go out and help somebody else feel awesome as well. Click To Tweet
The question I’d like to leave you with this episode is what would it take for me to accept whoever it is? What would it take for me to accept, for example, Rafael, exactly the way he is? What would it take for me to accept Mary exactly the way she is or whoever it is that comes to your mind? Every time you find yourself triggered, then say that question. Maybe say it anyway because catch it before you even trigger. What’s powerful about this statement is you can and I highly recommend that you use it with everybody and everything. What would it take for me to accept that I had a car accident? What would it take for me to accept this? We can use this as the beginning of anything that you find yourself in resistance to but we’re focusing on what would it take for me to accept whomever it is that your partner is exactly the way he or she is. It’s amazing what happens. Remember with these questions, they’re rhetorical, which means that you’re not looking for an answer. You don’t write down an answer. You allow yourself to be open to anything that comes through your mind throughout the day, throughout the week, whatever. You don’t have to focus and make it an exercise. You can but I’ve found it to be more powerful when I let it go and find miraculous things come to me through my thought process.
We’ll be doing another show about that to talk more about that. Know it’s a very powerful technique that will really serve you very well. We would like to ask you to send in questions, Esateys@Esateys.com. Email them. Please give us your comments, what you like about the format of our show or anything you’d like to see us do differently or in addition to. We’re here to serve you. Please give us feedback. We would love to know how best to get our point across and to share what it is we know. We have a twelve-page PDF eBook on the Eight Telltale Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble. The reason that’s so powerful is it reinforces a lot of the things that we’ve been talking about and they help focus you even more so we encourage that. Please subscribe to this podcast. Tell your friends about it. Know that by sharing this podcast with others, you’re going to be changing the world. We ask that you do that, subscribe, and join us and comment with us.
Thanks, Rafael. That’s helpful for us to be reminded. Take a moment right at this moment. Think of somebody that you know that’s had some difficulty in any relationship with a partner, with their health, maybe with their money, with their children, with one of their pets, maybe one of their pets is dying. It doesn’t matter but thinks of someone and forward this information. Let them know that this is available for them because it will be applicable to them. It is one of the ways that you can start giving in a more profound way than you ever have before. When we speak of these principles, it’s not just about your partner. It’s about everyone. It’s about the world. You start living your life that way, things really do shift. The last thing is when you send in your questions, please put in the subject line, “Podcast Question.” That will help me ferret through much more readily. That would be awesome. I look forward to receiving them.
We will say goodbye and we will see you next time.
I’m looking forward to it. Make this the most awesome week of your life so far. Feel a hug.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.