Watch the episode here:
Listen to the podcast here:
Why Is Your Partner Always Right? The Real Skinny
Is your partner always right the real skinny? I know it could be a little dangerous for me and for us to be talking about this because I was in with a group of people and I started talking about this. I thought somebody was going to throw something at me. Keep an open mind because what Esateys is going to speak about is very powerful and will change everything. However, I can’t say your ego is at first going to like it because I know mine didn’t. I know you’re right on the verge of falling over in suspense, but let’s get to it.
With that intro, I’m falling over in suspense myself. Is partner always right the real skinny? Your partner is always right from where it is that they come from. That means that from the place that they see things, which is the perception that they have and so they’re always right. When you put it back over on yourself when you go, “They can’t possibly be right because I’m right,” because you’re seeing things the way that you see things. Therefore, it’s not about right or wrong. One of the core principles that we’ve spoken somewhat about in the past is that it’s all about you. That means that your life is directly related to how you are framing things, how you perceive what’s going on, and how connected you are to a place of non-polarity or a place where you don’t have to be right. You don’t have to be wrong. You’re allowing life to be. Sometimes called nonresistant living. Sometimes it is called being in the buffer zone and it has a lot to do with how secure, confident, and connected you are. When we do not feel good about ourselves, what is the first thing that we want to do? What we want to do is we want to project whatever we don’t like feeling over on someone else. It’s the blame game.
When somebody says, “Is your partner always right?” The ego inside of us, the personal piece that doesn’t agree with that is going to probably scream, “My partner’s especially not always right.” People kill each other over this particular statement and what I want to leave you with in this particular moment is that take yourself away from right or wrong. Live with the premise. There is no right. There is no wrong. It just is. When you see things and live from that perspective, then blame doesn’t even have to be part of the picture. It’s not a matter of somebody being right and me being wrong or me being right and you being wrong. The bottom line is we all are seeing, feeling and experiencing our lives based on our past, our DNA, social consciousness and all of the internal little idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. What we do, as you’ve heard me speak many times before, is we wear a pair of glasses based on what all of those factors have brought up as a belief system of which it is that we are, not the truth. It comes from the recycled beliefs programs that we’ve had and yet it seems real and therefore what we’re going to do, ideally right at the moment, is we don’t ever want to accept responsibility and that’s where the downfall is.
First of all, you use the word polarity and I’d like you to explain that a little more in case that was not apparent.
That’s a good thing. Please everyone understands that sometimes I need to be more explanatory for some of the words that are natural or common for me. If ever that’s happening and Rafael doesn’t pick up on it, then I want you to be sure to write to me or put in the comments below that you need further explanation. It will help me bring it back to some basics because I know that our audience is wide and that means that there are some people that are new to this thinking. There are those of you that have been doing this work for a very long time and meeting at the middle where everybody is being supported is an important thing for me to accomplish. I need your help with that.Your life is directly related to how you are framing things, how you perceive what's going on, and how connected you are. Click To Tweet
Polarity means good, bad, right, wrong, up, down. It means it has opposing energies like a magnet. A magnet has a positive and a negative. When you try to put two magnets together, they repel each other because they’re different polarities. When you go to be with someone, they are going to be a certain way. When you look at life, you will see that being a certain way as well. You will also see that if you keep looking, it will turn into a different way. You know that we have everything seemingly about in twos. We have two legs, two eyes, two arms and two of everything. If you know anything about chemistry, there’s a positive and a negative ion that has to do with your cells and your electrolytes. If you also know anything about chemistry, then you’ll know that calcium is a positive ion and there’s always an opposite for whatever it is that you feel that is happening or experiencing.
Remember that it’s not about chemicals or those kinds of things that have positive and negative parts to them. It’s every area of life. We have this part of ourselves that’s alive, awake, and positive. We call that the positive, the uplifting. There’s the part some people call the ego, which is negative. It’s downtrodden. It doesn’t make you feel good. It’s the opposite. Polarity is about opposites, opposite poles of the same thing. When I say the polarity of life, what I mean is that there are many things that are happening that some people will call positive. There is another whole slew of them which is about things that are considered negative. That means that they have a different electromagnetic signature and a different way of presenting themselves here on the planet. Neither one is better than the other. There’s no right or wrong to that. It’s what it is that keeps our entire universe balanced.
You can observe polarity that change. I’ve heard many people say it. I think it myself many times. Things are going great and I’m like, “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.” That rich positive experience is going to change or turn into a negative experience. That’s an example of polarity that might be easier to understand in the context of relationships and what we’re speaking about.
That example you gave us about how we’re perceiving things. Have you noticed that you perceive things from both ends of the spectrum as well? Everything is going well and then all of a sudden, your mind starts thinking, “The other shoe is going to drop.” It goes from the positive to the negative. When you start to see and you look around, you will see that we have night and we have a day and we have up and we have down and all of those things. Start to observe that and you’ll notice that the world is made up because this is a polarity-based system that we live in.
To me, that means we’re always going to have opposing forces getting in our way or popping up for us and getting back to the original premise about our partner always being right. You started this off by saying when your partner does something or says something, it’s their perception. It comes from recycled ignorance. Any of those things you mentioned or the programming. With regard to that person, everything that’s being said is totally accurate, understandable and justified by that person. We look at it from the other side and say, “Based on our perspective, it’s not working for us.” It’s creating a conflict or a rub.
The key to this is that you take away with a conscious decision to take away the polarity, to take away the differences. Instead of labeling, which pretty much everybody does 100% of the time, they will evaluate something as good or bad. That is where we get ourselves in big trouble. The world is made of many different things. It’s how we perceive what’s going on that is going to give us the opportunity to feel good or to feel bad using the polarity words. What happens is there is no polarity when you allow everything to be. If you walk around every day and you’re with your partner and they’re saying something that you do not agree with. When you are quiet within and you allow them to say whatever they say and believe whatever they believe and you don’t have to come back with the opposite reaction, you find that you are at a much greater level of peace.
If you truly want to be at peace and you want to live in the eye of the hurricane, which means that people do what they do. You observe it. You do not get engaged in it. You do not defend your own belief system if it’s different than theirs and you don’t make a big deal out of it, regardless of what it is that’s going on. Allow yourself and allow other people to be whatever you’re choosing to be in that given moment because you don’t have to fight for your life. You don’t have to try hard to get someone to like you because you’re going to have people like you and you’re going to have people not like you. You’ve got the up, the down, the polarity. You have everything going in a manner of differentiation.
From your partner’s perspective, when you’re saying something that they don’t agree with, you don’t want them thinking the same thing about you that it’s wrong. You want the space. You want to be treated with respect. You want to be heard. You want your ideas to come forth without being judged. They want that as much as you do. Our own thoughts are not necessarily any better than the other person’s.
We’ve heard many times, “Do on to others as you want them to do unto you.” There’s something that’s quite astute about that. That takes us to a strong principle, “Energy never leaves its source.” What that means is that when you are feeling a certain way, whether you know it or not you’re projecting that out into the universe. Regardless of whether it’s a kind and loving energy or whether it’s judgmental and restrictive energy, it will come back to you because energy never leaves its source. When we’re angry at somebody, we might think unkind things about them. We may seemingly project something on them like, “I hope they get in a car wreck,” or something that is not kind.
What happens is that virtually always what comes back and the person who was doing the dark throwing or the irritating energy, they are the ones whose lives always turns into something that is not much fun because when we put it out, it’s going to sooner or later come back. Sometimes it’s quick and sometimes not so much because of circumstances. It’s important to recognize that when you are putting something out, be really sure that what you’re putting out is what it is that you would like back. It will come back to you sometime, whether you know when or not, you don’t. It’s like a boomerang.There is no polarity when you allow everything to just be. Click To Tweet
The other piece that I wanted to speak about and would like you to address is the whole concept of mirroring. How we project out our own feelings about whatever’s being said based on our own belief system is based on our own DNA. How that affects the other person and how it affects you. Could you speak about that?
The mirroring is a very powerful way to live and understand your life and any partnership that you have. What it means is since we are unable to have a clue what we look like in our face and even in our back, there are certain parts of our bodies that we cannot see without a mirror. If we want to know what we look like, we have to have a mirror to see that. We’ll take that same principle and apply it to a bigger part of your life. When you are feeling judgmental, what occurs is that you will have somebody come into the life that’ll show you how to be the most obnoxious judgmental person ever.
I’ll give you an example of someone that I am dear friends with and this person is admittedly controlling, snarky and they are difficult to live with, to be with and to be around. There’s always something that isn’t going right and this person is controlling. We’ve been friends for a long time and I’m not engaged in the way she does things because she’s not a trigger for me. She triggers a whole bunch of people. This person, although we’ve had years of times that we have spoken about her control issues and how snippy she is to other people and things of this nature, she has always been with pretty much like, “You’re crazy, Esateys,” and has not been interested or willing to do anything about that. For me, it’s another opportunity to experience and express unconditional love because that’s all I can do there is love that person even more.
It’s because it’s not triggering you.
It is not triggering me because I can see what’s going on with that person. It’s not about me. I’m clear about that and it doesn’t have anything to do with anything. The truth is the majority of life doesn’t have anything to do with anything but we assign meaning to everything. When we assign meaning, then we can get ourselves in a big fluster. She is someone who is difficult for the majority of people. She had somebody who needed a place to live for several days or whatever period of time and this person offered, “You can stay here,” and she did. What happened was she noticed that this person was hard to get along with. She was pretty stunned at first. She said, “She’s controlling. She wants this to happen this way and that to happen that way. She doesn’t have any money to throw in to help with this thing. She hangs on and all these different things.” She went with that and she shared that with me.
I said, “That’s interesting. What do you find this is doing for you?” She said, “It makes me want to run, that’s for sure.” I said, “Is there anything familiar about the way she thinks and talks and does that, that you would be able to identify with?” She said, “Yeah.” A couple weeks later I spoke to her and she said, “This person is driving me crazy. I can’t stand to be around her.” She went on and on and about a week later after that. She said, “I’m all done. I am going to start. I don’t know how they do it in AA but I’m going to do it. I need to go apologize to every single person I know because if they still talk to me, it’s a miracle because I got it. I see that this person is exactly like me. I see my pissy-ness. I see my control. I see my taken for granted-ness. I see my control issues times a gazillion. I see so much that I am not thrilled to see, but I am sensitive to what’s going on with the people who have this situation in their lives.”
How would you frame up what you said about why your partner is always right? What are the takeaways from this conversation?
There is no right or wrong. It just is. Recognize that the basis of our planet, our society is based on polarity, meaning that there are both extremes of the spectrum at all times. When you are seeing something in someone else, they are mirroring to you what it is that you do not like to see in yourself. It’s also about that person not liking to see what they see and use. If I’m over here and I look at Rafael and I go, “It drives me crazy when he is doing whatever he’s doing.”
Is this hypothetical?
Right, I’ve never had any judgment or anything with you. If I ever did, it would be like this. What I would do is I would say, “He looks like he’s doing so and so to me,” and in my state of awareness I would be able to recognize, “He is showing me that part of myself.” It’s stunning to have to take a look at that because none of us want to feel like we do things that are not perfect. Therefore, we want to run away from anything that puts the attention and the responsibility back on ourselves. Once you recognize that, then you have already jumped up by a whole bunch because you are beyond where it is that most anybody else ever is in the point of being responsible and connected.The truth is that the majority of life doesn't have anything to do with anything; we simply assign meaning to everything. Click To Tweet
For me, the takeaway is that we are not victims. We can’t be a victim because we attract those things to ourselves to show us exactly the things that we need to see. We can’t be a victim. We’re creating it.
We are the ones who bring them toward us because we want to learn. That’s where the gift is. What’s great about this that I haven’t seen yet? There’s always a gift in every single thing for us. When you start to reframe things and see things from a different viewpoint, you’re going to notice something tremendous.
Somebody might throw something at me and this whole thing about, “We can’t be a victim,” is where I start ducking. Be with that and see if it creates any resonance to you because it is powerful. I know I have a hard time with it even though I understand it. Our reactions and our degree of judgment will be based on where we’re at that particular moment. We have to observe it and move on.
Please know that what you are masterful on Wednesday afternoon at 4:00 may not be even closely related to what’s happening for you on Saturday at 10:00 AM. Say you went out on Friday night and you tied on a good one as they say. Your attitude is down and your energy’s down and you’re not feeling you’re able to deal with things in a way that you would have you been clearer and that makes a big difference.
It’s a complicated subject and I guarantee you’ll be hearing more about that from us. Every time I talk about it, I see things in myself. When I even talk about it, it helps me to keep moving forward and observing myself.
Here’s something that you can do if you can bring yourself to do this and it emphasizes the mirroring. What we see in others is what we are showing ourselves about ourselves. Any judgment you have towards anyone is exactly what’s going on inside of you, whether you like to believe it or not. I know there are probably some of you that are saying, “That is not true,” and I will tell you that it is true. It might be framed a little differently, it may be wired differently. The bottom line is it is true. When someone is an irritant to you and you want to smack them, then what I recommend that you do is put your face on their body. In other words, take your face and let’s say it’s your mom who’s always ragging on you and put your face on her body and see her. The same with her or another family member is being a certain way and you find yourself having great difficulty being around them. Once again, put your face on their body and say, “That’s my mother. That’s my whatever.” You’ll start to see things even more quickly than you did before.
Years ago, Esateys gave me that little tidbit and asked me to do that. That was difficult but in the long run, it was exactly true and it was awesome.
He’d get mad at me and he would be showing himself something that he didn’t have healed within himself. He would yell at me but who he was really yelling at was his mother. I would say, “Put your mom’s face on my body and you will see that you’re mad at her, but you’re mad at her because something that happened in you. I didn’t have anything to do with it.” That happens a lot in relationships. Is your partner always right? Your partner is always a gift. That’s what I want you to remember. Your partner is always a gift. Your partner is your own personal development coach. You decided you wanted an accelerated pathway to knowing more about who you are and how life works and how awesome it is to be with someone. When you start to frame it in a way that shows you the gifts that they bring you, you will reach a place where you’ll stop being triggered at them. Rather you will be in gratitude for them because they’re going to show you where you have your own blocks.
It’s a fun exercise when you put somebody else’s face on somebody else’s body to show you what’s going on. It takes us to a saying from the course in miracles, which is we are never angry for the reason that we think. You might think you’re mad at your partner because they’re doing such and such. What’s happening is that they are activating something within you that came from somewhere, probably your childhood. Maybe from your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, or someone that told you something you have now associated with whatever it is that they said or they did. If that comes to you, put your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister’s face on the person who appears to be triggering you now. What that does is it helps you with the relationship that you’re in with that person. It takes a lot of courage, let me interject that.
When you can say to somebody, “I realized that I am seeing myself interacting with my mom or my dad or my brother and I have unfinished business with them. I’m triggered like crazy and you’re showing me that. I realize it’s not about you, even though it seems like you. What I’m realizing is that it’s in me and I’ve got to do some inner work, get some support to clean that up inside myself.” When you do that, you will elevate your own good humor, your attitude, your energy level, your vibration. You will be taking responsibility for what’s happening in your life. It will remove you from victimization and put you in a place of empowerment. It also deepens your relationship with the other person because they are being let off the hook. When they recognize and you recognize that it’s not them, you were angry and not for the reason that you thought.What we see in others is what we are showing ourselves about ourselves. Click To Tweet
We do have a couple of questions that I would like to get to. The first one writes, “My boyfriend is always trying to fix me. What should I do?”
There are many ways that you can view this. One is that you can recognize that in your partner, your boyfriend, there are several things going on. One is he’s a man. A man is a fix-it king. They want to fix things because they’re primarily left brain which is organized and systematic and they see something and it’s like, “This is a problem. I’ll get the solution.” That’s the way they think. I’m not absolutizing this, but it is a general characteristic. First of all, he’s doing what’s natural to him as a man. The second thing is that there is a discomfort inside of him especially because he loves you so much. He doesn’t want to see you in pain. Why is that? He doesn’t want to be in pain because he is going to feel responsible somehow on some level for your pain. Therefore, he wants to get you all fixed up so he can feel better. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you to feel better, but it is important to remember that everything we do is all about us, whether we like to admit it or not.
We do what we do, including giving and contribute and all that stuff because it makes us feel good. We like to do that stuff. We like to solve problems. We like the sense of completion. We like the feeling of mastery. We like the feeling of being important or needed or valuable or contributory. Those are all deep core human needs and they’re all perfect. See it for what it is. When he’s trying to fix you, he is also trying to make his world more comfortable. Instead of recognizing that he’s not going to be able to fix you, he is going to end up being frustrated. As he learns more and more because you are going to be clear and nonreactive to him because you see that he is your mirror. You’re seeing that he is the gift for you. His taking care of you is causing you a trigger and when you have a trigger, then you get to look inside yourself. I don’t mean this to sound as complicated as it might be because it’s simple.
If he’s doing something that’s irritating you, you have a trigger. End of subject. If he’s trying to fix or change something inside of you, then you are his trigger. You both need to look at your triggers individually and notice what’s going on with you. From there, you’ll better understand what’s going on because you’ll be in for responsibility for your own triggers and you don’t expect him to change. Yet, interestingly, he most likely will because you’ll be putting out different energy, a different thought process because there are some women that are still notoriously Cinderellas. They are the damsel in distress. They want to be fixed. They want to be held. They want to be taken care of. They don’t want to have to be responsible. Men are that way as well but women, I’m speaking to you. Know that if a guy is trying to do all of that, notice what is going on inside of you. What would make somebody want to fix you and make it all better?
If you remember from our last episode, we spoke about when you get into a relationship, never ever try to fix or change your partner. That’s a good rule of thumb. That’s something to strive for but we do it anyway. Why it’s happening and what’s going on with each person is important. However, if you’re that person who’s trying to fix the other, keep that in mind and to recognize that your partner might have the same response.
The bottom line is anything we’re doing in our lives is always about trying to make our world more comfortable for ourselves. When you’re trying to change someone else, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with them even if you think there is, it’s that you’re not comfortable with the way they are. That means that you come back to yourself and you start to get some support to work through the things that you have a line in the sand about what you want to be different, so your world is comfy. Once that’s understood, then you realize that person doesn’t have anything to do with it. It has to do with me not being okay with whatever it is that he’s got going on or she has going on.
One more question, “I love my wife, but she’s always nagging me. When I speak to her about it, she says she’ll stop. That doesn’t happen or if it does, it doesn’t last long.”
First of all, it’s similar to the last question. When somebody is nagging on you, it’s because inside of them they’re not comfortable with an activity that you or a mannerism that their partner or whoever it is are speaking about has. They could stop and look at what about this particular habit or mannerism is causing me discomfort, in other words, fear? If somebody has a particular habit that is triggering you, then you have a judgment going on about that habit that is uncomfortable for you. Let’s say that somebody drinks more than you think they ought to. Say your partner is drinking two or three drinks a night and you are not comfortable with that because you know they have alcoholism in their family. This partner is not the same when they are drinking.
If you stop for a moment and you start to look at yourself, what you will most likely notice is and what I would encourage you to do is take a look inside and see what is your fear about. Most likely, your fear is that this person is becoming or is an alcoholic. If this person’s an alcoholic, what does that mean? It means that perhaps of your history, I might not be safe. They might eventually start getting angry and do things or say things that could be harmful or would make me be uncomfortable in the relationship or in my home. The other things that run through a person’s mind are, “This person’s going to drink himself to a place where he’s going to end up sick, ill and I’m going to have to take care of somebody who might have cirrhosis.” That’s not something that you’re interested in doing. It’s about your own fear.
I could come up with ten more reasons for that discomfort. You are always at choice about how you want to deal with things. Something like this, which is a big thing to a lot of people, you start with looking at yourself and what your fears are about and you work through those fears. If you decide for yourself that, “I’m not interested in being in a relationship with somebody who has this addiction or these addictions.” At that point, you can say to them, “I don’t want you to have to do anything differently, and I am personally not comfortable living with somebody who is getting drunk every night because it brings up a lot of fear inside of me. I know that’s my thing and I know that it’s not your fault. I do know that I’m not interested in living with someone like that or whatever the case may be.” You can tell the truth to your partner. What many people don’t do is they don’t communicate.Your partner is a gift. Your partner is your own personal development coach. Click To Tweet
I will tell you about a person that I coached and this person was going through so much and was unhappy, but she would not tell her partner what was going on. She would not communicate. She was terrified to do that. One day, he went to work and she packed up her things for herself and her daughter and she left a note and said, “See you.” She moved away to another state. He called me and he had not a clue what was going on. This is because the lack of communication was severe and it was startling. Had the person that she left had known, he may have chosen to change. He may not have and she didn’t want him to, but she was clear that she didn’t want to be in a relationship like that and yet she never told him. Communication is really critical in every relationship.
That person didn’t communicate for sure and then there’s always the issue of what that person was afraid of by not communicating. There are a myriad of possibilities and explanations and it’s all about being aware of what your true motivation, what’s driving you, and for one to become aware of that.
This is about awareness. Be aware. Be the observer. Have the awareness to observe what’s going on and divest yourself from any judgments about it. Notice it as not right, not wrong but rather it’s what is.
Thanks for the questions and what I will again request. Please send us any questions that you have, anything that comes up for you or with you, with your partner. You can email, Esateys@Esateys.com. We really enjoy getting these. It helps us understand what people are looking for and we’re very much grateful for getting them.
If you’re sending an email to me, please remember in the subject line to put, “Podcast question or question podcast,” those two words in the subject line so I will have a specific box that they will go to. I will know that you have written so I don’t miss it in the myriad of things that come into that precious little box.
This is the segment of our show, which is living in the world of possibility.
That’s where I get to say what the question of the day is. Here is your rhetorical question. Remember, you do not try to get answers to this or think it out or write it down or do a spreadsheet or a mind map or anything else. Rather, ask this question many times of your precious little mind and then go onto something else immediately. The question for now is, “What would it take for me to love my partner even more?” When you are committed to loving your partner even more than you already do, the world will open up and reconstruct itself to show you what that would look like. Maybe it’s about putting precious little notes or one of the things that Rafael and I do. We have Alexas in our house in a lot of different rooms. We have Alexas do an announcement about how much we love you or what a great day you’re having because of them.
Those are fun little precious things to do or leave notes around. I know a lot of people do that in the beginning but are you still doing it at year fourteen? That is something that if you keep these things on a continuous basis, you keep your relationship more alive. You realize and you have tremendous clarity that what is most important to you is that you are being and expressing the love, not just your partner but to all people. When you do that, you experience what true love is.
By asking yourself that question, it will open up those possibilities for you because it will create an entire shift to put you in a different place. We enjoyed being with you.
I appreciate you all being in my life. I appreciate your feedback, your questions and everything that you are kind and precious in giving. We are here hopefully reciprocating in a way that makes your life more awesome than you could ever dream or imagine. Keep your feedback coming and we will look forward to connecting with you next time.
Please tell your friends about this blog. I hope that they can get and have as much fun with it as we do with doing it. I told a friend that doing these podcasts has made Esateys and me much closer and it lifts our day and we love doing them. Please share this with your friends.
Post it on your Facebook page and your forehead and everywhere else that you can think of. We give you a tremendously big hug for an awesome day.
We’ll see you next episode. Take care.
Bye for now.
- Relationships Done Different Facebook
- Relationships Done Different Twitter
- Relationships Done Different YouTube
Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.