Almost everyone in a relationship knows that being with someone you love does not always mean sunshine and butterflies. It entails a lot of compromises that often make or break the relationship. We all have our individual egos that push us in that state of competition, wanting to be right all the time. However, we have to think about the other person to maintain being happy in the relationship. In this episode, Esateys and Rafael Stuchiner answer the question that most couples face – would you rather be right or happy? Discover how our ego plays in conflict and learn how to let it go even when we feel we are right. Find out how you can overcome this crisis and how relationships are done right.
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Would You Rather Be Right Or Happy?
Our subject is would you rather be right or happy?
I know you want to be right and happy and you think you always are.
I was thinking that didn’t apply to me at all. That’s why I was saying I was hoping I would get through this episode in one piece. This is an important thing for relationships. We’re an incredibly happy couple. We’ve been married for fourteen years. I know Esateys for twenty years and yet we still would rather be right than happy.
First of all, I am happy and because I’m happy I know I’m right.
We are going to be talking about a subject that goes through every relationship, that goes through every aspect of being with someone and more importantly about seeing yourself.
Let’s go back to the beginning. What I’m referring to is if we take the basis of us as human beings, we are made up of love or fear. They’re all same thing because they all come from one source point. If we want to separate it because we live on a planet that has black, white, up, down, right, wrong, good, bad, because it’s a polarity-based system, then we know that we are going to be living in one of those two worlds unless we aren’t. That means that the way to true happiness is to live in the world of being happy and seeing even what you used to think wasn’t right or wasn’t good or was evil also makes you happy. It makes you happy because you know that ultimately it truly is happy. The point is the real purpose of the ego was to create safety for us in particular on a physical level. All the other stuff that’s around the ego or all the other stuff we have that we called ego, those were just add-ons. They’re like programs that we’ve acquired, but the true base core of the ego is to protect us from walking off a cliff or in front of a truck.
If there wasn’t a certain element of caution or also known as fear, then we wouldn’t live very long, which has happened a lot. If we recognize that the purpose of that is to keep us alive, then we would stop putting emphasis on the ego because now the ego has taken on a world of its own, a mind of its own if you will. When we ask the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” what occurs is that the ego wants to be right because that is A) Demonstrating control and B) It is putting itself in a place where it is higher than, better than and it’s driven by competition. If it can be right, then it feels empowered. It feels like, “I am the one who has it together. I’m the one who is in a high level of power.” Therefore, when we think about the ego being right, it feels pretty good and it has the illusion of being happy. Remember that no matter how happy an ego pretends it is, it’s always pretending. It can’t be happy because ultimately it is based on fear. When you’re in fear, you’re not happy.
The thing that struck me there and was reinforced for me, is that this stuff about being right is all about our basic need to be in control, which is supporting our needs to be safe.No matter how happy an ego pretends it is, it's always pretending. Click To Tweet
Because it makes us feel powerful, that tells you immediately that we feel disempowered and weak or impotent in all areas of our lives. Therefore, we have to go out and we have to struggle, strive, fight for being better than, being more than, being bigger than whatever it is that will help us feel like we are in control. We’re more than the other person. The ego is always vying for more of the energy in any given situation. If I’m right, I’m taking your energy. I’m making it with you. Most people’s ego will feel less than or weaker.
We’ve often talked on the show about that ultimately we’re not in control of anything except our perception. We’re not in control of anything physical. Things are just happening and we’re not in control of that. We have basically no say in what happens. What I’m trying to say is that if the basic premise is that we have no control over pretty much anything, then the need for control is that much stronger. The egos need to be in control and to be safe is even amplified beyond what it is that we consciously understand.
This is why we talk about nonresistive living and we talk about being in the flow and allowing. That’s why you heard for eons about surrendering and all that stuff. Do you know why that is?
It’s because the ego needs conflict to survive.
That sounds counterintuitive. I don’t understand that. Can you explain?
The ego is fed by conflict.
Why does it need it? Why is that feeding?
Because it’s an energy that sources the aliveness of the ego. When you are not in conflict, when you are not resisting, when you are not trying to fight for anything, then the ego’s purpose is no more. The ego’s purpose is to create conflict so it has its own set of personalities that make it feel like it’s something or somebody. When you take the energy away from it, it dissipates away. It’s like all the air goes out of the balloon and it doesn’t have any power. It doesn’t have the ability to survive or to stand strong. It will go out and look for things to create itself feeling like it’s more. It’s like if I get more money, I’ll have more power. If I have more sex, I’ll have more power. Therefore, it’s always looking for something to create a more mentality because in and of itself it feels empty and it is a lack principle. A lack principle means it is powerless. It needs something to make it feel like it is something, therefore when you are arguing, when you’re trying very hard to prove yourself right, which means the other person will be wrong to gain that energy, then what occurs is the ego is alive and well. It’s very excited because it’s got the adrenaline running and it’s got the competition going and it’s creating friction.
The friction, you’ve seen people rub two sticks together to try to get a fire. When you get this rubbing thing going on, you will create a fire. It creates conflict. It creates an abrasion. If you rub your knee on the ground or you fall off your bike and you scrape it, it’s because of the rubbing of the skin against the pavement which breaks the skin down and causes pain. The point is it creates change and the ego wants that to happen for itself because it feels more empowered to be able to control where your frequency is, where your energy is. If you’re living a lot in the ego, then what occurs is that you have a false sense of being empowered when in reality, you are actually more impotent than you were before. You are feeding the lower vibrations instead of letting that part starve away, enhancing, feeding, living, nurturing and allowing the essence of who you are, the love of who you are to flourish.
My question is if the ego gets stoked, if the ego gets sourced, it gets fed by this conflict or this need to be in control, why do we even pose the question, “Would you rather be right or happy?” How do we become happy if we give up the need to be right because the ego is not getting sourced?
Because you have a thought that happiness comes from the ego. If you’re not feeding the ego, then happiness is the essence of who you are. Happiness is the core essence of you. It’s the joy. It’s the light, whatever words people use for the core essence of whom it is that you truly are. If we are saying that it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, it’s just happening, then we’re not having any conflict. Without conflict, you’re left in the natural essence of yourself.
Ultimately, if one is not aware of that, is that empowering for someone?
If someone was not aware of what?
Not aware of being in their natural self. Don’t they feel unempowered or disempowered if they’re not right?
Their ego does. If they’re living with their primary functioning on a day-to-day basis from their ego, they will not feel good. Ultimately, you have to let the ego feel what it feels, but this is where you come in as a who you are piece and you start observing what’s going on. You observe the ego feeling bad and running a program of impotence, powerlessness, weakness and all of that stuff. That’s who you are as observing that and it internally is chuckling. That part of me, the ego is feeling whatever. It’s doing whatever it can to make me come back fighting. If I do, then I’m into conflict and then the ego gets the joy of the win.The ego's purpose is to create conflict. Click To Tweet
The next question is how do we do that? For me, I’ve had the experience of having certain conversations with you where I was certain I was right and you were pretty certain you were right. How does one get to the place of being able to just let it go even if we are so sure that we’re right?
By recognizing that there is no right and there is no wrong and there’s no good or bad. There are only perceptions. Your perception that you are right is a perception. It doesn’t mean that there is an absolute to that. If I was “fighting” to be right, it would be my perception. The truth is nobody is ever wrong. They’re right according to their perception, but their perception doesn’t get to leave home base. It’s when you take your perception and you project it on somebody else, which immediately means that you’re right and they’re wrong. That’s where the conflict comes in. That’s where the issue arises.
We’re taking our perceptions and forcing that on someone else. There is no right and wrong because it’s all governed by one’s perceptions and your perception is no better or worse than mine.
Except the ego will say, “Except mine is better,” but in actuality what you said is accurate. You have to be aware enough and awake enough to recognize that. The people who are living strongly in their ego, they do not want to consider that their right or what they have, what they think, what they do is the best. It is best for them at that moment, but it’s only for them.
I know you always say we should be aware of it and that’s the answer for pretty much everything that we say and do. What practical suggestions can you give us to better be in touch with this?
Awareness is definitely the first step because you have to have the awareness to know that something is up for you. People don’t feel most of the time their feet, knees, skin, nose unless something’s a little bit out of sync or unless there’s an ache, a pain, a sensation of some sort. That is your clue. It brings you to the awareness that somebody’s calling out to you or a part of you as calling out to you. One of the things you can do is to say, “Help me be more aware.” Just say that to your mind and to your internal self. Write it in a gratitude journal, “I am so grateful that I am more aware than I’ve ever been before.” What will happen is you’ll become more and more aware. Once you have the awareness, then what you want to do is to look at what is your payoff for fighting for whatever it is that you are doing and be conscious that what you’re fighting for is worth it. Is it worth creating that conflict with that person just so you can puff on your fist and rub your chest like people do? You know then that you’re feeding the ego.
Many of you have heard this story but I just want to say it. For those of you that are new to this, the story is about this little Indian child who is going to his chief and he said, “I need for you, chief, to help me with a problem I’m having. I have these two wolves inside of me and one of them is telling me all of the things that aren’t working, all the things that are bad about me, all the decisions I make that aren’t good, all the bad things that I’ve thought. The other one is constantly saying, ‘You are so wonderful. You have helped this person. You are doing that. You’re learning so much, you’re very smart with this. You know how to do that.’ They give me completely different feelings, but I don’t know who I’m supposed to listen to. Who’s telling the truth?” The great Indian chief says, “The one that you feed.”
What that means is that if you take your energy away from being right and you allow people to think what they want to think and do what they want to do, that one will probably push your button. At least people think what they want to think and don’t feel like you have to stand up and fight for every single thing that you think is so then the ego will maybe not be happy at first, but you will be a lot more peaceful inside. You will have more peace in your day-to-day world and in your body. It’s the resistance to what people say, feel, think, do or what we see on TV or what occurs that’s causing the pain and suffering that we are living in. You have the ability to change that. Remember that suffering is optional. You get to decide if you want to keep on repeating things over and over in your head or if you’re going to let it go. If you don’t want to let it go, then ask yourself the question, “Am I trying to be right here? Am I trying to prove something here? What am I doing and where do I want to put my energy, my thought? The things that I am feeling are based on which wolf I am feeding.”
When you think about that, then your body can quiet down, your mind will quiet down. Be aware that sometimes the ego will pop up and try hard to pull you back into the lion’s den because that’s its job. Remember, if you don’t feed it, it goes away. It has a survival mechanism based within it, which means that it’s going to come up with nasty words very likely. It’s going to make you wrong internally. You’re going to have all kinds of programs of things that people have said to you or about you, from your parents, to your friends, to your siblings, to work. Until now the ego has taken on a mind of its own and it’s repeating that stuff and it’s multiplying at times gazillion and now pretty much you feel like you’d throw up most of the time. That’s where you have to make a decision about where you are going to focus and that will help you determine how you feel and how you live on a day-to-day basis. It is very practical.
To me, what keeps coming up and I’ve been wanting to say is this is about fighting for one’s limitations.
You’re fighting for your limitations, but most of the time people will not think of it as a limitation. They will think of it as empowerment or they’ll think of it as, “I need to make a change. I need to have other people being what I think they ought to be.” It’s that mindset that creates people fighting all the time.
The limitation is not about the specific subject, it’s about the need to be right. It doesn’t matter whether you’re right about the particular subject or not. It’s like when you’re in the water and two people are in the swimming pool. One person pushes the other person under the water so the other one, the person pushing can be elevated. That’s what I think the limitation is. There’s an inherent need to be elevated, to be on top of and to survive.
It boils down to a survival mechanism. Who is going to win? It’s something to contemplate. I invite you all to contemplate and do some introspection about how you observe yourself, not with any judgment. We’re doing what we’re doing because we didn’t know what we didn’t know. Now you’re beginning to see and feel and become aware of things that you didn’t know and there’s no reason to beat yourself up for that, which most people do. Please don’t do that because it’s completely unnecessary and that itself feeds into you being disempowered. Therefore, when you are asking yourself when you’ve got something coming up on a very practical level, what you can say is as you remember these words that throughout this episode is, “Do what I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Am I powerful, so solid in myself that I can let that other person thinks that they’re right because it doesn’t matter because maybe they are and they are for them?” Your right might not be the right for them. We grew up with programming that tells us that this is right and this is wrong. That’s the society that we live in. Who made those laws up? Who made those rules?
That’s the collective ignorance that you often speak about. I look at this all the time and I can’t say I’m totally thereabout, but a lot of times I just say, “What am I arguing about?” Sometimes I can’t get to that place. How do we deal with that trigger that comes up that makes us feel like we cannot be right? “What’s wrong with this guy? He’s wrong.”
Part of what it is that you do is that’s a program running. The first thing you do is recognize, “I’ve got that program running.” Rather than do it with any kind of energy, just become the observer. When you’re the observer, you don’t have a lot of energy on it. It’s not good, bad, right or wrong. If you are in the vortex of an uproar of the rage and you can’t think of anything else except that you’re right and they’re wrong and they did something to you and you’re victimized, then just go with it. You will unlikely have the wherewithal to interrupt the pattern. If you have the wherewithal to interrupt the pattern, then that will be the most powerful thing you can do. One of the things that you can do is to shut your mouth, sit down and close your eyes. Even if you do it for 30 or 60 seconds and breathe in through your nose. Hold it between your eyebrows. Exhale through your mouth and repeat that cycle five times.
If you do that, what will happen is all of the hormones that are activated will quiet down. At that point, you may be internally quiet enough to be able to say, “What’s my payoff for doing this? What am I trying to prove? What would happen if I allowed myself to just be still and allow this person or the situation to be the way it is?” If you do that, you’ll notice that everything changes for you. The other option is to be still, go within, use the breath and feel in your body where the sensations of that discomfort are. What are the sensations in your belly, in your throat, in your chest? Are your fingers clenched? What’s going on in a physical level? Without any story and without any label, just feel the sensations. Either one of those things will do tremendous things for you moving through that.Your perception that you are right is a perception. It doesn't mean that there is an absolute to that. Click To Tweet
That’s very cool because it will take away the agitation.
It shifts the focus and it shifts the neurological responses. It shifts the hormones and everything changes. That’s how you become a master of your life, of your mind, of your existence.
That’s the power of the breath. When you get into the rhythm of the breath, even if it’s only a couple of times, you’ll shift those neurotransmitters better. We have a question from Sue from Seattle. We talked about a paradigm for multidimensional happiness and her question is, “You talked about what it would take for me to have an expanded mind. Would meditation help this? Do you have any suggestions?”
Meditation is something that I love. Meditation is very intimidating for most people and that’s because they have a misunderstanding about what meditation is or can be. Meditation can be the same thing as contemplating something. Sitting down and being with something. It’s not about trying to stop your thoughts because that isn’t going to happen. Meditation is also utilized beautifully by the breath. When I spoke about the cycle of five, that’s meditation. Breathing in, holding it, exhaling, that’s meditation. If you sit quietly every day, preferably more than once a day, even if it’s for short periods of time and you breathe in and observe the thought processes that are running through your mind and you aren’t doing anything with them. You’re not judging them as good, bad, right or wrong, you’re just noticing that they’re coming and going like a cloud in the sky. That’s meditation. Another kind of meditation is when you’re sitting there and you’re speaking a mantra. Some people have mantras that they’ve been given by special teachers and some people who have seen them in books and it can be whatever it is that you would like it to be.
One of the reasons for the mantra is to give your mind something to focus on so other pieces of you can quiet down. Meditation also has to do with being in a state where you’re walking down the street. That’s a state of meditation. Especially if like you go on the beach and you’re watching your feet in the sand and you’re noticing the thoughts may come and go, but you are focused on feeling each individual grain of sand on your skin. That’s meditation. The point is, those are all different kinds of meditation and meditation is extremely powerful. I have done a lot of guided meditation. Some of our programs have guided meditations or processes, which is another word for meditation on them and they help relax and bring you to a state of presence. Yes, it’s absolutely not only helpful. It’s critically empowering to meditate. If it’s five minutes in the morning, that’s better than nothing at all.
Therefore, meditating every morning, taking a few minutes in the middle of the day, even if you’re just doing the cycle of five breathing at night. What it does is it gives your body a chance to quiet down and release the quiet hormones and let go of the adrenaline and the other parts of yourself that have kept you at such an elevated anxious state. The more you meditate, the more you will be able to deal with the things that come up that are going to want to keep you from your unconditional happiness for the multidimensional ways that you can experience life. It will also help you with what it is that we’re discussing about. The whole thing about being right or being happy has to do with conflict and the purpose of meditation is to allow yourself to reduce and then ideally eliminate the conflict so that in and of itself will work.
I like to think of it as the meditation allows you to clear out all the junk. Your greater consciousness, your greater knowing will then have a place to come in because you’ve emptied it out from all these other extraneous thoughts.
Meditation opens up an expanded mind and we spoke about that on the previous episode. I invite you all if you didn’t read it. Go back and read that because it’s about expanding the mind and all of the areas of your life that you have compacted or structured in such a way that nothing new can come in. When you do that, you’ll see how much your life changes.
We have a vault of meditation processes that we’ve created. We get questions about, “Do you have meditations?” all the time. That is something that when Esateys does it, it is very powerful because they access that part of the mind that opens up and the sky’s the limit.
I also want to let people know that if you’re drawn to this work and the things that I discuss about, we’re doing a public retreat in Portland in September. In addition to that, I am starting a year-long program for people that are very dedicated and very committed to their own expansiveness, to their own awakening, to living in a multidimensional level of life and happiness. Here’s our question, “What is my payoff for trying to prove I am right?” When you ask yourself that question, when you’re in a state of conflict and you ask that rhetorical question, not looking for an answer, but rather putting that out to your Google search engine to bring back what it takes for you to shift from that or become more aware of it, it will occur.
We will be seeing you next time. The name of our episode is going to be, “What’s in your backpack? Defragging your hard drive of old non-supportive programs.” We carry around all this stuff and we’re going to talk about how to defrag your hard drive of those non-supportive programs.
I’m ready to defrag my hard drive, clear out my old archived files. If it’s not applicable, I want it out.
I think the analogies to have our mind to all the computer stuff is so incredible that if we understand how our mind works, we can see the similarities and learn from it. We will see you next time.
We are counting the moments. Feel a hug. Take care.
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Author: Esateys Stuchiner
Esateys (pronounced Ee sáh teez) is an International Life Transformational Speaker, Author, Master Facilitator, Life Coach and Expert in the Human condition. She is a Nationally and Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. For over 30 years, she has practiced, taught and lectured extensively in the allopathic and alternative medicine field.
Esateys is known for her groundbreaking work in the areas of personal empowerment and health restoration using mindset and inner connection as the catalyst for all change.
Esateys describes herself as the ‘Architect of the New You’ and has dedicated her life and professional career to helping her clients create “New Beginnings” by facilitating self empowerment, economic freedom and restored health.
For more information, go to esateys.com.